“I won’t leave my family,” she said. “We belong together, and if it’s God’s will, then we will die together.”
Mr. Stanton took her gently by the shoulders, and looking deep into her eyes, he spoke to her very softly, almost in a whisper. “You will take Lizziebeth, my dear, and you will do as the officer says and go to the boat. Johnny Trott and I will come after you, I promise you. Go, my dear. Go now.”
At that moment Lizziebeth broke free of my hand and ran for it. I knew straightaway that she was going back for Kaspar. I went after her at once and caught her at the top of the gangway. She struggled against me, but I held her tight. “I can’t leave him!” she cried. “I can’t! I won’t!”
“Lizziebeth,” I said, “listen to me. I must take you to the boat. It’ll be gone soon. You have to go with your mother. You have to save yourself. Leave Kaspar to me. I’ll find him. I’ll save him.”
She looked up at me, her eyes full of sudden hope. “You promise me?”
“I promise,” I told her.
“And you, Johnny, what will happen to you?”
“I’ll be all right; there’s plenty of boats,” I said.
When we got back to the railing, the lifeboat was nearly full and almost ready to launch, but I could see the crew was having the greatest difficulty in lowering it. With the help of Mr. Stanton and a sailor we helped Lizziebeth and her mother into the boat.
But still the boat could not be lowered. One of the crew was slicing away at the rope with his knife, cursing as he did so and cursing even louder when he dropped his knife into the sea below. There were several lifeboats already in the water and rowing away from the Titanic. I glanced toward the stern and saw it was a great deal higher than it had been before. I could feel the great ship settling ever lower into the sea.
I caught Lizziebeth’s eye then. She was willing me to do it and to do it now. I knew that if I left it any longer, it might well be too late. I would show her there and then that I meant to keep my promise if I could. I turned to Mr. Stanton beside me. “I’m going for Kaspar,” I said. “I shan’t be long.” He shouted after me to come back, but I ignored him.
By now the decks were crowded with men, all of them corralled by the crew, who had made a human cordon to keep them back as the last of the women and children were being helped into the boats. But there was no pushing, no shoving. I saw among them dozens of my fellow stokers, most of them black with coal dust and all unnaturally quiet. As I pushed my way through them to get back down below, one of them called out to me: “You should be in one of them boats, Johnny lad. You’re only a slip of a boy. You’re young enough. You’ve got the right.”
The gangway was packed with passengers trying to make their way up on deck, some of the older and more infirm still in their nightclothes. One of the sailors who was trying to help them tried to stop me from going down. “You can’t go. There’s water coming in everywhere down there; the whole ship’s flooding fast.” I dodged past him. “Idiot!” he yelled after me. “You blithering idiot! You go down there and you won’t come back up again!” I ran on.
After losing my way in the warren of corridors, I reached the right corridor on C Deck, and I knew then that the sailor had been right. The seawater was ankle deep and rising all the time. And once I opened the door to number 52, I saw the carpets were already underwater. I looked around me frantically for Kaspar but couldn’t see him anywhere, not at first. It was Kaspar himself who told me where he was, yowling at me from the top of the wardrobe. I looked around for the picnic basket to carry him in but couldn’t find it. I reached up and took him off the wardrobe and held him tight, but then, as I went out, I had the presence of mind to snatch a blanket off the nearest bed. All the way back along the corridor, I was wrapping Kaspar up in the blanket, not against the cold, but to stop him from clawing at me, for I knew that even if he wasn’t frightened now, he very soon would be.
But as I ran back down the corridor, I was beginning to realize that the blanket had another use, and a much more essential one too. If no luggage was being allowed in the boats, I reasoned, then they would hardly accept a cat. This was why by the time I got back up on deck again, Kaspar was well hidden deep inside the blanket. And now he was beginning to yowl.
“None of your fuss, please, Kaspar,” I whispered to him. “Quiet now, and stay quiet. Your life could depend on it.”
I pushed my way through the stokers, ducked under the cordon of crewmen, and saw to my great relief that the lifeboat was still hanging there. But then I found my way suddenly blocked by an officer in a peaked cap, who grabbed me by the shoulder. “No, you don’t, lad. No men allowed in the boats until all the women and children are loaded,” he said. “I can’t let you on. I can’t let you pass.”
“He’s not a man,” someone shouted from behind me. “He’s only a kid, can’t you see?” All around me the stokers were suddenly clamoring at him to let me through, and they began pushing angrily against the ring of sailors desperately trying to hold them back. I could see the officer was taken by surprise at the sudden rage of the crowd and that he was hesitating.
I saw my chance. “I’m not going on the boat,” I told him. “I just went to fetch a blanket. It’s for a child, a friend of mine. She’ll freeze to death out there without it.” I still don’t think he’d have let me through if Mr. Stanton hadn’t come up at that moment and vouched for me.
“It’s all right. He’s my son,” he said to the officer, “and the blanket’s for his sister.” I was through. With Mr. Stanton holding me fast around the waist I leaned across and handed the blanket, and the miraculously silent Kaspar, into Mrs. Stanton’s outstretched arms.
“Be careful,” I told her as meaningfully as I could. She knew as she was taking it from me that Kaspar was inside the blanket. She hugged it to her and sat down again in the boat. I could see from the way Lizziebeth was smiling up at me that she knew it too.
Distress rockets were fired up into the sky, lighting the ocean all around us, lighting, too, the scattering of little white boats out on the open sea, each of them crammed with women and children.
I remember thinking how extraordinarily beautiful it all was and wondering how something as terrible as this could be so beautiful. On board behind us the band played on, as Lizziebeth’s boat was finally lowered into the water. Mr. Stanton and I stood side by side and watched from the railing as it was rowed slowly away. “That was a fine and noble thing you did, Johnny,” he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. “God will guard them, I know it. And for us there’ll be a boat along soon enough to take us off. Mr. Lightoller says they’ve seen the lights of a ship not five miles away. The Carpathia. She’ll be on her way. They’ll see these rockets for sure. They’ll be alongside soon enough. Meanwhile I think we should help with the women and children, don’t you?” That was how we busied ourselves for the next hour or so, passing the women and the children into the boats.
I marvel now when I think of it, at the courage I witnessed around me that night. I saw one American lady waiting to get into a boat with her elderly sister, but she was told there was no room. She didn’t object or protest in any way but merely stepped back and said: “Never mind. I will get on a later boat.” I never saw her again. I saw no man ever try to push his way to the boats. To a man they accepted that it was perfectly right and proper for women and children to go first. I heard later that some men on the starboard side of the ship had tried to rush one of the lifeboats and that shots had to be fired over their heads to drive them back. But I never saw it with my own eyes.
There were many heroes that night, but if there was one I remember best, it was Mr. Lightoller. He was everywhere, quietly ensuring the safe loading and launching of the boats and picking out the seamen to row each one. I can hear his voice even now echoing in my head. “Lower away there. Lower away. Are there any more women? Are there any more women?” And one of the waiting men answered him back, I remember.
“No more women, officer. There’s pl
enty of men, though, but I don’t see plenty of boats.”
It was something every one of us had come to realize: that there were hardly any boats left to take the rest of us off, and that many of the lifeboats that remained could not now be launched because of the severe list of the ship. When I saw the seawater come washing over the bow and rushing down the deck toward us, I knew that our chances of survival were fading fast. Like so many others, I scanned the horizon desperately for the lights of the Carpathia. We were all aware by now that she was the only ship close enough to come to our rescue. But there were no lights to be seen.
The Titanic was sinking fast, and we knew now we were going down with her. With every minute that passed, the list to port was telling us the end was near. The deck was at such an angle that it was well-nigh impossible to keep our footing. We heard Mr. Lightoller’s voice ringing out: “All passengers to the starboard side.”
So that’s where Mr. Stanton and I went, slipping and sliding, clutching at each other for support, until we reached the rail on the starboard side and clung on. Here we looked out at the sea and waited silently for our end. There was nothing more to be done. “I should like to say,” Mr. Stanton said, his hand resting on my shoulder, “that if I am to die tonight and I cannot die with my family, then I’d rather die in your company than any other. You’re a fine young man, Johnny Trott.”
“Will the sea be cold?” I asked him.
“I fear so,” he replied, “but don’t worry, that’s all to the good. It will all be over very quickly for us both.”
* * *
“Good Luck and God Bless You”
It was our blessed good fortune that Mr. Stanton and I were there on the boat deck at the time the last boat was being lowered. It was not one of the large wooden lifeboats—they were all gone by now—but one of the boats with canvas sides, some twenty or more feet long, with a rounded hull. This one was stored below a funnel, and there were some men, a couple of crew among them, trying to manhandle it down onto the deck. One of them was shouting at us: “This is the only boat left; this is our only chance. We need more hands here!” Wading though water that was waist high by now, Mr. Stanton and I and a dozen other men did all we could to help them heave the boat up and over the rail. All of us knew this was our last hope. How we strained and struggled to launch that lifeboat, but it was too heavy and too cumbersome for us. There weren’t enough of us, and we were very soon exhausted by our efforts. We couldn’t do it. The Titanic was groaning and gasping all about us. She was going down at the bow, fast.
I looked up to see a great wave come rolling along the decks toward us, a lucky wave as it turned out. It swept the lifeboat overboard, and we went with it. The shock of the icy sea drove all the breath from my body and left me gasping for breath. I remember trying to swim frantically away from the ship and then looking back and seeing one of the huge funnels breaking away and falling down on top of me, toppling like a giant tree. As it hit the water, I felt myself sucked under and swirled away downward into a whirlpool of such power, I was sure it would take me to the bottom with the ship. All I could do was to keep my mouth pursed, tight shut, and my eyes open.
Suddenly I saw Mr. Stanton above me, his feet caught in a rope. He was kicking and struggling to break free. Then, miraculously, I was released from the whirlpool and found I could swim up toward him. I managed to free him from the rope, and together we swam hard for the surface, for the light. How deep we were by now I had no idea. All I knew was that I had to swim with all my strength and not breathe, not open my mouth. What I learned that night was what every drowning man learns before he dies, that in the end he has to open his mouth and try to breathe. That is how he drowns. When at last I had to take a breath, the sea rushed in and choked me, but at that very moment I broke the surface, spluttering, coughing the water out of my lungs. Mr. Stanton was in the water nearby, calling for me. We saw the upturned lifeboat nearby and swam toward it. There were bodies floating in the water, hundreds of them. The cold was cramping my legs, sapping what little strength I still had. If I didn’t reach the boat, if I didn’t get out of the water, and soon, I would be as lifeless as those bodies all around me. I swam for my life.
There were other survivors clambering onto it when we got there, and I couldn’t see how there’d be room for us as well. But helping hands hauled us both up out of the sea, and we joined them there, half standing, half lying back against the upturned hull of the lifeboat, and clinging to one another for dear life. Only then did I really begin to take in the horrors of the tragedy I had been living through. The shrieks and cries of the drowning were all around me. I caught my last sight of the great Titanic, her stern almost vertical, slipping into the sea. When she was gone, we were left only with the debris of this dreadful disaster strewn all around the ocean and those terrible cries that went on and on. And there were swimmers in the sea all around us, every one of them, it seemed, heading our way. Very soon we were swamped with them, and we were turning them away, yelling at any others who came near that there was no room. And that was true, horribly true.
The buoyancy of our boat was already under threat. We were low in the water as it was, and all of us would be lost if we took on any more. What I have never forgotten is that even in their desperate plight many of those swimmers seemed to understand the situation perfectly and accept it. One of them—and I recognized him as one of the stokers I’d worked alongside—said to us, his voice shaking with cold: “All right then, lads, good luck and God bless you.” And with that he swam off in among the bodies, and the chairs and the crates, and disappeared.
I never saw him again.
I will carry to the grave the guilt of what we did to that man and to many others. Like so many survivors, I have lived through that night out on the open ocean in my dreams again and again. Mr. Stanton and I did not talk much, each of us too busy with our own doubts and dreads, too busy just surviving. But side by side we endured together. I know that for me it was memories that kept me going. I think I relived most of my life that night: Harry the cockroach in his matchbox; Countess Kandinsky sweeping into the Savoy in her ostrich-feather hat, taking her bows at the opera that night; Kaspar curled up on her piano as she sang; Lizziebeth beaming up at me as she fed him his liver, Lizziebeth on the roof of the Savoy, Lizziebeth and her mother in the lifeboat with Kaspar hidden in his blanket.
Around us the ocean was silent and empty now. There were no more cries for help, no more last messages to Mother, no more appeals to God. We looked, and we never stopped looking, for the lights of a ship on the horizon that might bring us some hope of rescue. Our lifeboat had floated away from all the others by now and from all the wreckage that littered the ocean. We were quite alone and quite helpless. From time to time one of our number—there were about thirty of us, I think—said the Lord’s Prayer, but for the most part we were silent.
The growing fear for all of us as the night passed was the sea itself. At the time the ship went down, the ocean was completely calm, just as it had been ever since we’d left Southampton. But now all of us could feel that a swell was building, and we all knew that if the waves worsened, our fragile craft would be bound to sink beneath us. Sleep too was a danger. Already one of the older passengers had simply fallen asleep and slipped into the sea. He went down without a struggle. I saw him go, and I knew then that very soon I would be going the same way. I wasn’t afraid of dying, not anymore. I just wanted to get it over with. Often I felt coming over me an irresistible wish to surrender myself to sleep, only for Mr. Stanton to shake me back to my senses.
It was Mr. Stanton too who first saw the lights of the Carpathia. His cracked voice shouted it out to the rest of us. Some did not believe it at first, because the rise and fall of the swell intermittently hid the lights from us. But soon they were quite unmistakable. A great joy surged through every one of us, giving us new strength and new determination. Not that any of us cheered, but when we looked at each other now, we could manage a smile. We knew we
had a chance to survive. Those lights of hope, lights of life, for that’s what they were for us, drove away the darkness of our despair and the agony of the cold too. Mr. Stanton’s arm came around my shoulder. I knew he must be hoping what I was hoping for, that his wife, and his daughter, and Kaspar might be there on the Carpathia and safe.
We did not know it at the time, but we were the last survivors to be picked up by the Carpathia.
I went up the rope ladder ahead of Mr. Stanton. My legs were so weak that I wondered often as I climbed whether I could make it or not. I could see that my hands were gripping the ladder, but I couldn’t feel them. It wasn’t strength that got me up that ladder; it was nothing but the will to live. Then with Mr. Stanton and all the others from the lifeboat we were taken below into the warm, given dry clothes, and swathed in blankets. We sat there drinking warm sweet tea. It has been my favorite drink ever since.
There was chaos on board. It was no one’s fault. The crew of the Carpathia were doing their best, but they were overwhelmed, they were busy just coping as best they could. Whoever we asked, no one seemed to have any definite news of anyone. Lists of survivors were being compiled, we were told.
Mr. Stanton asked the sailors repeatedly for news of his family, but there was no one who recognized their description. Every one of us on that ship was looking for someone. Many sat silent, already knowing the worst, lost in grief. Joyous reunions were few and far between. Fearful and hopeful, we went looking for Lizziebeth and Mrs. Stanton and Kaspar. We searched the ship from bow to stern. They were nowhere to be found. We found bodies lying on the deck, though, wrapped in blankets. We checked these too. I came across one little girl, about the same age as Lizziebeth, and was sure it was her at first, but it was not.