Tears spilled down her cheeks. She turned and fled into the woods.
- CHAPTER 14 -
For the next couple of weeks it took everything he had not to rip the head off of anyone that crossed his path. He was extremely grateful that Anna had returned to her house near London with her father. He didn't think he could handle the daily reminder of what was in his near future. The wedding was set to take place in six months; he didn't know what he was going to do with himself until then, or how he was going to deal with the ever-present anger and tension that had taken over his body.
He'd tried to feed in order to appease the unruly beast within, but all blood now tasted bitter to him since he'd parted from Genny. He forced down what he could of it in order to survive but he retreated quickly from the willing women that fed him. He was trapped in his own world, in his miserable life, and in this horrible country that he'd been ordered to stay in until after the wedding. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be escaping here even after the wedding though. His father would be returning to Italy when the wedding was over but he'd require a representative here to watch over his holdings and this was Anna's homeland. As a wedding present, her father was already building them a manor closer to London where Anna was a large part of the social scene.
Truth be told though he'd never leave this country while Genny was still here, he may not be able to see her anymore but he wasn't willing to be so far away from her either, not yet anyway. He was sure he could work her out of his system after more time passed, or at least regain some semblance of the normal life he'd led before meeting her. For now, if she ever needed him again he planned to be there for her.
Rising to his feet, he paced the confines of his father's solar with his goblet of wine in hand. Being drunk helped a little but he was beginning to think there wasn't enough wine in the world. Every day he had to fight the urge to go and see her, every day was a struggle to keep himself moving forward. His entire body hurt, even his fingernails. He settled back into the chair and downed the contents of his goblet as he stared at the wall across the way from him. The door creaked open and Merle poked his head inside.
"There you are." His cousin said cheerfully before closing the door behind him and approaching.
"Here I am," he muttered and poured himself another goblet of wine.
Merle stared questioningly at him before sliding into the chair opposite from where he sat. "Would you like to go to the club tonight?"
"No."
Merle folded his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair to study him. "Why don't you just go see the girl?"
His heart twisted in his chest. He shook his head and pushed a goblet of wine toward Merle. "No."
"Atticus…"
"I am getting married, Merle. Genny deserves better than that in her life."
"She could be your mistress."
"No."
"It would be a step up for her Atticus; she would have a better life than the one she has now."
"She doesn't want that," he said.
"Then let her go."
Wine swished over the top of the rim when Atticus slammed his goblet down on the table. "What do you think I am trying to do?" he snarled.
Merle leaned forward in his chair. "I'm not sure what it is that you're trying to do but it's not moving on. Wallowing maybe. I've never seen you like this. I've never seen anyone like this before." Atticus took a gulp of the bitter tasting wine and poured himself another. "If your father were to find out about her…"
"There's nothing to find out about. She was a fling and it's over." The lie of the words was even more unpleasant on his tongue than the wine had been.
"If you say so."
"I know so," he growled. "My father will never find out about her."
"Not from me, he won't," Merle vowed. "I'm concerned about you."
"Don't be." Atticus looked to change the subject when Merle's mouth pinched into a fine line. "I've yet to ask how you feel about your bride."
"She's a beautiful woman and will make a fine match," Merle replied.
Atticus snorted as he drank some more of the hideous wine. Normally the wine was of fine quality but perhaps his taste for wine had become the same as his taste for blood, it was all vile to him now. "I feel like a schoolboy taught to say his lines every time someone asks me the same question," he muttered.
Merle chuckled. "I suppose we are but at least they are both striking women, we could have been stuck with horse faced ones."
"That we could have," Atticus agreed. "Does this wine taste off to you?"
Merle sipped at it and shook his head. "Taste is fine to me."
Atticus stared into his goblet as he stirred the red liquid inside. Tasting the ambrosia of Genny's blood seemed to have ruined him for anything else. He thought he should feel sad, regretful, or maybe even irritated over that thought, but all he felt was the same hollowness he'd felt since they'd parted ways.
"I think what you need is to get back on the horse, or the woman at least." Merle slapped his hand on the table and laughed.
Atticus shuddered at the thought, his gaze slid past Merle's head as he thought over his cousin's words. Maybe that was exactly what he did need. Genny had been consuming his thoughts for weeks now, maybe if he could just find another…
He didn't think it was very likely but at this point he was willing to give anything a chance. He set his goblet down and rose to his feet. "Let's go to the club."
Merle grinned at him as he stood up. "Finally!"
***
Immediately, upon entering the club, Atticus felt like turning on his heel and walking out but he forced himself to put one foot in front of the other. Merle stayed close by his side as they wound their way through the crowd toward the gaming tables. Half-naked women brushed against his arm, their touch was as repulsive to him as the idea of human food, but he forced himself not to recoil. Merle may be willing to keep his secrets but there were nobles and aristocracy in this room that never would.
He would become the most powerful one of them all. If they even remotely suspected the turmoil twisting within him, they would put him down before he could become a threat to them. He suspected that a good number would like to see him put down anyway. None of them liked the idea of someone with more power existing amongst them, but there was a hierarchy in their world and if they began to pick vampires off simply because one was more powerful than another, it would spell doom for them all. If he gave them a reason to put him down though, they would do so with glee and without concern of the repercussions.
And with the way he'd been feeling as of late, they may be right to consider him a threat.
No, he'd gotten very good at keeping the turmoil inside of him hidden from the outside world; they would never know the strain that he was under. Never know his newfound aversion to women and blood. The only one that knew something wasn't right was Merle, and he suspected that Merle only knew a fraction of it. He was going to have to get even better at hiding what was inside of him if he was going to get through this marriage and conceive a child with his bride. Trying to achieve that may take more wine than he'd consumed in the past couple of weeks, but he would get it done.
He settled into a seat at a dice table and immediately began to drink the wine placed before him. Laughter and the moans of sex filled the club, along with the rattling of dice on the tables. The human women and men that were offering themselves to the patrons moved with ease through the crowd. They flirtatiously showed off their assets to each vampire that they passed by. Knowing that he had to keep up appearances, Atticus nodded toward one of the women. The blond draped her arms around his neck as she settled into his lap and pressed her bare flesh against him. He almost pushed her away but he could feel Merle's eyes watching him closely.
Outwardly he kept his face impassive while inwardly he cringed away from her. The pulse of her blood increased, the heightened scent of her lust filled his nose. He didn't think he was going to be able to get back on the prove
rbial horse, not with this woman at least. The clattering of dice surrounded him but he didn't toss any coin onto the table to join the game.
It felt as if his skin crawled with worms as he rested his palm on her bare thigh. It took all he had not to jerk it away but he forced himself to keep it there. Keep up appearances, he reminded himself sternly.
He grabbed hold of the woman's hand when she went to brush back his hair. His eyes latched onto the bite marks on her inner wrist, disgust and hunger warred to life as he stared at her pulsing blue vein. They were such pathetic creatures, these humans, selling themselves for money and a more secure place in their already insecure world. Death hung over their heads every day and yet they mingled freely amongst those that could end their lives before they could even inhale the next breath they so desperately required. They could never become a vampire, few humans ever survived the change, and yet they still risked their lives to feed those who thought so little of them.
He lifted his eyes to the woman's smoky blue ones. An image of her broken body flooded his mind and for the first time he felt some relief from his ever present torment. Was killing someone what it would take to find some ease from the constant distress of his body? Atticus almost shoved her off of his lap, instead his hand entwined in her hair and he jerked her toward him. Used to such abuse from her patrons, she didn't protest the action but her fingers did curl into his shirt as even in pain she still lusted for him.
He was about to strike, about to drain her dry even if she did taste like sand to him, when images of Genny smiling at him flooded his mind. His body felt like it was being torn in two as the warring desires within him crashed together. He could almost picture his bones fracturing as he was split apart. His vision blurred, even his eyes began to throb and his nose felt as if someone had just punched him in it.
A scream built within him, his fingers tightened on her as more images of Genny poured forth. He could clearly recall the feel of Genny against him and the memories helped to comfort him. His suffering gradually began to subside; he opened his eyes again to find that his vision had returned. He'd thought that everyone would be staring at him, that what had just transpired had lasted hours. Instead it appeared that only seconds had passed as Merle was gathering the dice he had just rolled.
The heartbeat of the woman in his lap drew his eyes back to her vein. To push her away now would only attract attention. Appearances, he reminded himself and sank his teeth into her neck. Sand would have tasted better he thought as he drew her blood into his mouth before releasing her and nudging her away.
Merle gave him a brief nod of approval and then focused on the dice game again.
Atticus was glad that appearances were making his cousin happy, he however felt as if his body had been pummeled by a lion. One side of him was the calm one, the one that had to be with Genny, and the other side was the one that could destroy everyone and everything around him. He was in control for now but he was becoming increasingly uncertain about which side of him was going to win in the end.
- CHAPTER 15 -
July 29th, 1050
I'm sorry it has been so much time since I've written but I simply couldn't bring myself to do it. I can barely bring myself to do anything more than what is required of me in order to keep on surviving.
It's been three weeks since I last saw Atticus. I wish I could say that even if it hasn't been a great three weeks at least something good had come of them. I can't say that though. I miss him every day. I miss him more than I'd ever thought was possible. I'd be destroyed if something were to ever happen to Camille but I feel destroyed now. There's this lump inside of my chest, no not a lump, there's this emptiness that I can't shake. This hole that I've now become convinced will never again be filled.
I can't let it drag me down though. I have Camille to think about. We should have enough money to be able to leave soon. It would be better if we could wait until she was mature but I'm concerned that something is going to happen to her before then if we stay here for much longer. The way Felix watches her makes my skin crawl. I thought about killing him the other night in his sleep but if something were to go wrong, he would kill me. I know he would, and then Camille would be completely on her own and vulnerable to him. Marie and Felix would destroy her if something were to ever happen to me.
My dreams of being free of them both are so close to coming true and yet I feel no happiness. No matter how unhappy I am though, no matter the things I've endured, I will make sure that things are different for Camille. I'll give her the life that she deserves and I'll keep her safe no matter what it takes. I've lost Atticus but I have to think of her now and maybe one day Atticus and I will meet again. I refuse to get my hopes up for that, as there are too many things that can happen to alter the course of one's life over time, but I cannot completely let him go either. I'm not sure I could get out of bed every morning if I did.
I think Camille and I should be able to leave by the end of September. It will still be a good time to travel to France and there should be enough in savings to get us a place and to tide us over for at least a couple of months. I'll probably end up having to steal there too but maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find an honest way to make a living there.
I'm really just hoping that maybe some distance from here will help to heal the brokenness inside me that so far time has only made worse, instead of better. I don't think that will work either but at least Camille will be away from the monster in the next room.
***
"Are you ready to go Genny?"
She returned the fake bottom to the chest and carefully placed her clothes on top of it. "I am." She forced a smile as she rose to her feet, smoothed the wrinkles from her tunic, and turned toward her sister. Camille looked as lovely as always with her braid falling over her shoulder and the deep blue of her mantle bringing out the vivid color of her eyes.
Camille studied her before shaking her head. "You're fooling no one with that smile."
"Well at least I'm trying to pretend."
"You should stop pretending with me."
"And then what?" she inquired. "Cry, carry on, curse fate and the heavens? That doesn't get anyone anywhere and I refuse to be like Marie or Felix and blame the rest of the world for my problems."
"Just be honest, you're sad."
"I am," she confirmed. "And you're late, so let's get you to those children."
She slid her arm through her sister's and turned for the door. Camille rested her head against her shoulder as they left the hut and stepped into the misty day. "All I want is for you to be happy. You've always been so concerned about me that you never thought of yourself before you met him. You should do so again."
"You are my biggest concern. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you get the life that you deserve."
Camille stopped walking and turned to face her. "Don't you understand that that is all I want for you too? I won't have you sacrificing yourself for me Genny."
"I'm not sacrificing myself for you Camille, don't ever think that. You're the only one I've ever loved until he entered my life. When he was here, you were still my number one concern. He is the one that is sacrificing himself by marrying someone else, because he must."
Camille's lips puckered, her delicate eyebrows drew together. "He loves you Genny."
"Unfortunately, that's not enough in this world. Now come on. I have to get to town before the men start spending all their money on their daily supplies."
Camille fell into step beside her again. "You know what Marie is, what she does, that's not what he's asking for from you. He wants more from you then any of those men ever wanted from Marie. You could have a better life than anything you've ever dared to dream of with him. He would take care of you, I know he would."
"I can't be like her."
"You're nothing like that woman. Stop thinking that, it's only holding you back."
Genny stopped walking and turned to face her sister. "Holding me back from what Cami
lle? Being someone's mistress? No one has ever taken care of me before, I won't allow someone to do so now."
"You'll give up someone you love so you can keep your pride?"
"It's not that simple," she whispered as tears filled her eyes. "He would also be with someone else…" Just the thought of that made it impossible for her to continue speaking.
Camille rested her hand on Genny's arm. "And he'll be free of her as soon as they have a son. He wants you forever; he has to be with her until his duties have been fulfilled. I know you're a proud woman Genny. I know how strong and independent you are but for once allow yourself to be happy."
Genny wiped at her eyes and turned away. "There's also you, we have to get you away from Felix."
"You're the one he pummels on a regular basis."
"And you're the one that he watches too closely."
Camille shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself. "I can't stand him," she murmured.
"I know," Genny whispered and brushed back a lose strand of Camille's hair. She was too beautiful for her own good but if they could get away from Felix, Genny knew she would be able to keep her safe.
"Maybe Atticus would allow me to come and live with you both."
"He wouldn't have a choice," Genny retorted.
Camille laughed as she squeezed her arm. "You're right, he wouldn't."
She turned to say goodbye to her sister when they arrived at the small building where the children resided. "I'll be back later," Genny promised. She kissed Camille on the forehead and slipped into the woods.
Her mind churned with Camille's words as she moved through the forest in search of a meal. She'd barely fed since she'd last seen Atticus, the idea of it made her stomach turn, but she had to feed in order to keep up her strength. She caught hold of a fox on the other side of the river and holding him carefully within her arms, she forced herself to sink her fangs into its neck.
The feral scent of the animal filled her nostrils as its blood spilled into her mouth. Her stomach twisted, the blood tasted almost rotten to her and it took everything she had to suppress her gag reflex in order to swallow it down. Frustration and heartache filled her; she released the fox before she accidentally snapped its neck as her mind and soul seemed to sink further into a deep depression.