Old people complaining. Nothing is more aggravating to kids than listening to their parents and grandparents tell the same sob stories of how hard life was when they were young. Simply recruit an old person, give them a microphone, and get them to babble about any of the following: their polio-stricken little brother or sister, the war, or their alcoholic father who lost his job at the plant and beat them with a belt.
4. EXPLOIT THE NEVERLAND RANCH RESPONSE. If all else fails and you still can’t bring yourself to torch it all, there’s only one weapon left in your arsenal. Convert your farm (at tremendous expense) into a magical ranch full of exotic animals, amusement park rides, famous people’s remains, and gigantic silk-covered beds. Then invite the children over for a slumber party.
Just as a gazelle is born knowing to run when it sees a lion, today’s children are born with the Neverland Ranch response, an instinctive compulsion to run away when confronted with exactly this situation.
A HORROR MOVIE PARENTING GUIDE
Being in a horror movie is hard enough. Raising a kid in one can be hell. If you’re the proud parent of a creepy child, keep this quick reference guide handy in case of emergency:
SYMPTOM: My child’s imaginary friend is “talking” through his or her index finger.
TREATMENT: Your child’s “imaginary friend” is actually a very real manifestation of his or her psychic abilities. Therefore, listen closely to whatever it has to say, and act accordingly—even it if tells you to cancel travel plans or cut your spouse’s head off.
SYMPTOM: My child is speaking a language he or she never studied.
TREATMENT: This is a classic demonic/satanic possession symptom, though it can also result from a mischievous ghost using your child as a human hand puppet. (Note: If your child is speaking Latin or speaking backward, you’ve definitely got a possession.) Either way, summon a Catholic priest, who will be able to determine whether an exorcism is necessary (if so, see this page).
SYMPTOM: My child is having conversations with the TV or dead people.
TREATMENT: Your kid is probably being visited by a lost soul with some unfinished business or who is just looking for companionship. Usually nothing serious. In fact, the ghost can be quite nurturing and educational. However, they can cause physical harm in rare cases. Proceed with caution.
SYMPTOM: My child’s nanny just hanged herself in front of us.
TREATMENT: Unfortunately, your child is the seed of Lucifer, heir to the throne of eternal agony.
SYMPTOM: My child screams obscenities at me, slams doors in my face, and tells me that I’m going to rot in Hell for all eternity.
TREATMENT: There’s nothing wrong with your child.
HOW TO PERFORM AN EXORCISM
As powerful as they are, demons lack one thing we puny humans take for granted: a body. But every so often, Satan paroles an inmate and sends it topside with explicit instructions: Hijack a vulnerable human body. What does Beelzebub want with a measly meat puppet, anyway? Simple. The scales of good and evil are precariously balanced. Tip them ever so slightly in one direction (a handful of demons taking human form will do it), and before long, God’s on the ropes.
Spend enough time in the Terrorverse, and you’ll encounter a human who’s the subject of a hostile takeover. When you do, it’s important to act quickly and decisively, because the fate of the world (and perhaps all of existence) is in your hands. So keep your cool, and know your rites.
1. CONFIRM THE NEED FOR AN EXORCISM. You don’t want to go through all the trouble of carrying out an ancient ritual only to discover your supposed victim merely neglected to take their meds. The Catholic Church created strict guidelines for the rite of exorcism back in 1614—guidelines that have remained largely unchanged in 400 years. However, one notable amendment came in 1952, when priests were warned not to confuse mental illness with demonic possession (as opposed to the old days, when the two were inseparable). Look for the following signs to determine that an exorcism is more urgent than a shrink.
Telepathy. A demon will be able to mine your thoughts for fears, regrets, and embarrassing details as well as project nightmarish visions into your head. It may also be able to predict the future.
Telekinesis. Demons have the ability to mentally manipulate objects—making doors slam, shaking beds, hurling knives across the room, etc.
Language. When possessed, victims are fluent in languages they’ve never studied (usually Latin). They may also have the ability to speak backward or in multiple voices.
Appearance. Eyes that have changed color or gone completely white and skin that is pale and covered in lacerations are sure signs of demonic possession.
2. GATHER THE REQUIRED TOOLS. You’re going to need help, and lots of it. According to the rites of exorcism, only an ordained Catholic priest can perform the ritual. So the first “tool” you’ll need is a man of the cloth. The rites call for an older, morally pristine specimen. But forget the older part—performing an exorcism is like going 12 rounds with Ivan Drago. The elderly need not apply. Your priest should be in killer shape—well rested, with zero emotional baggage. No recently deceased parents, no scandals, and no deep insecurities. If he’s hiding anything, the demon will sniff it out in a heartbeat, and your padre will be at risk of becoming possessed himself.
The next “tool” is a physician. Both you and the victim are likely to get some cuts and bruises during the exorcism. It’s best to have an able-bodied M.D. on hand, just in case. The doctor should be the same sex as the victim (to avoid any scandalous touching that might empower the demon).
And then there’s you. You’ll be on hand to provide whatever physical and moral support you can, beginning with gathering the following items:
Bible. These can be found in most hotel rooms.
Crucifix. Not too big or too sharp.
Holy water. By the bucket.
Surgical masks, gloves, and rubber boots. Blood and vomit will be flying.
Rope. For tying the victim to the bed, and for tying the bed to the floor.
Warm clothes. The temperature is bound to drop as the demon does everything it can to make you uncomfortable.
Fresh coffee. It’s going to be a long night. Keep the pot full.
3. PREPARE THE ROOM. First and foremost, the room should be on the ground floor. Too many priests have been lost as the result of accidental or intentional leaps from high windows. If the victim’s bedroom, often the easiest place to stage an exorcism, is on an upper floor, move the victim to a bedroom on the ground floor. Place a plastic drop cloth on the floor and set all the collected tools within easy reach. Finally, remove all occult objects. Some of these may seem innocent, but to the trained exorcist, they’re express lanes to downtown Hell:
Stuffed animals. Children practically worship their precious bears and ponies. Such idolatry is expressly forbidden by the Ten Commandments.
Dungeons & Dragons. A game created by the Dark Lord to lure young nerds into his service.
Harry Potter books. Never mind that the letters in “Harry Potter” can be rearranged to spell “Thy Terror, Pa!” (“Pa” is an obvious reference to God.) These books encourage young readers to imagine a world filled with ghosts, witches, and naughty children. And imagination is the devil’s playground.
Non-Christian albums. These are music to Satan’s ears.
Computers. The Internet is a haven for smut peddlers and secularist bloggers.
4. START WITH A PRAYER. Any prayer will do. Make sure to ask for God’s divine assistance with the difficult task ahead, and profess your personal unworthiness as a sinner a few times. Throw in a little Latin for seasoning.
5. TAKE ROLL CALL. Place one hand on the Bible and the other on the victim’s forehead. Command that any demons present reveal themselves. The demon will begin to resist. Ignore it and continue to step 6.
6. READ SCRIPTURE. The following passages are recommended in the Catholic Church’s official rites:
John 1:14. “The Word became flesh and ma
de his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”
Mark 16:17. “And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues.”
Luke 10:17-18. “The seventy-two returned with joy and said, ‘Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.’ He replied, ‘I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.’ ”
Luke 11:14. “Jesus was driving out a demon that was mute. When the demon left, the man who had been mute spoke, and the crowd was amazed.”
7. COMMAND THE DEMON TO LEAVE THE VICTIM’S BODY.
This is where the priest’s voice should reach full fire-and-brimstone pitch. Make repeated references to the power of Christ. Repeat this phrase over and over again: “Depart then, impious one! Depart, accursed one! Depart with all your deceits, for God has willed that man should be his temple!”
8. BE READY FOR DEMONIC COUNTERATTACKS Your demonic foe won’t go quietly into that eternal night. It’ll do everything in its considerable power to confuse, tire, anger, and manipulate you. If given the chance, it’ll kill you, too. Everyone on the exorcism team needs to stay focused if there’s to be any hope of success. And to do that, they need to know what’s coming:
Personal insights. Nothing that comes out of the victim’s mouth (including vomit) should be given a second thought, no matter how personal or painful it is to hear.
Visions. Don’t take anything you see at face value, no matter how real it seems. This includes the appearance of dead friends, dreamlike flashes of hideous faces, and images of your own death.
Vulgarity. Catholic priests are celibate, and there’s nothing demons love more than pushing those dusty buttons to make them sweat. Be ready for pornographic dialogue.
Displays of power. Levitation, window rattling, temperature fluctuations, electrical disturbances, appearance changes, furniture moves, and head spinning, to name a few.
9. MAKE SURE THE DEMON’S REALLY GONE Sometimes, those tricky little hellions will pretend to flee in the name of Christ when in fact they’re just laying low until you leave. So before you go ahead and proclaim victory over the armies of the damned, it would behoove you to conduct a few experiments to confirm the total absence of the demon:
Have the victim take communion. Minions of Satan don’t react well to the Eucharist.
Take the victim to a zoo. If the animals become uneasy, you’ve still got a problem.
Give the victim a bath. Don’t tell them that they’re bathing in holy water! If they do fine, the demon’s fled.
WHEN PERFORMING AN EXORCISM, READING SCRIPTURE CAN DIFFUSE A TENSE SITUATION.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU HAVE ONLY SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE
There’s an old axiom, “Tomorrow is promised to no one.” Well, that goes quadruple in the Terrorverse—especially when you do something to raise the ire of the Reaper. Maybe you watched a cursed videotape on a dare. Maybe you escaped some gruesome fate you weren’t meant to escape. Or maybe death just has a good, old-fashioned grudge against you. When your flight to the afterlife switches from “delayed” to “now boarding,” you can adopt one of two philosophies:
“A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.”
—Stewart Alsop
OR
“ ’Tis very certain the desire of life prolongs it.”
—Lord Byron
If you decide that it’s useless to resist, don’t waste another precious minute reading mediocre metafiction. Get out there and live the next seven days like you’ve never lived before. But if you agree that the desire for life prolongs it, spend each day as follows:
DAY 1. HAVE A GOOD CRY. You deserve it. Finding out you have only a week to live is a good excuse to throw a pity party. Take a day to curl up with a box of tissues, a container of rocky road, and the dulcet tones of Oprah. Feel sorry for yourself. Feel scared. Feel free to get stinking drunk.
Better? Good. Now get over it, you pathetic mess.
DAY 2. PARTNER UP AND START SLEUTHING. If you’re going to beat death, you’re going to have to face it head-on, and you’re in no condition to do it alone. You’ll need a partner, preferably an uncursed person of the opposite sex, who will bring some much-needed perspective to the situation. Plus, you’ll get to sleep with her later in the movie. Everybody wins (including the audience).
Together you should set off investigating the source of the curse. But before you hit the road, get on the Internet. Horror movie characters usually find valuable information online—especially if they’re in a sequel.
YOU
My God … look at this.
(clicks mouse)
There are hundreds of Web sites and message boards about people who’ve died after saying those magic words. Boy, if only I’d learned to use a computer before today, huh?
Armed with whatever information you can find, start pounding the pavement looking for additional clues. Return to the tomb you raided or track down the relatives of other victims. The hope is that you’ll follow the breadcrumbs all the way to the source of the curse’s power and find some way to appease it, thus lifting your death sentence.
DAY 3. STALL THE FILMMAKERS. If your investigation hasn’t met with any success by Day 3, it’s time to think about slowing this process down. Trip up the filmmakers using these passage of time countermeasures:
Dress in period costume. Viewers will wonder if they’re watching a flashback.
Stay away from clocks and calendars. Instruments such as these make it all too easy for the director to illustrate the passage of time.
Avoid montage-related activities. The last thing you need right now is a montage to burn through a few days in matter of minutes. (For a guide to montage activities, see this page.)
Don’t waste time sleeping. You probably skimmed “How to Stay Awake for a Week” (this page), thinking, “I’ll never need this.” Well, you need it now. Every moment spent snoozing is a moment on the cutting room floor.
Keep talking. Especially when you’re on the move. Filmmakers tend to condense travel into a few shots. But if you continue spewing dialogue while you’re on the move—especially dialogue relevant to the story—they’ll be forced to keep it in the final cut.
DAY 4. SET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER. If you haven’t solved this thing by day four, it’s time to consider the possibility that you’re not being asked back for the sequel. I’m not telling you to admit defeat—not by a long shot. But I am telling you to be smart. To get a few things out of the way while there’s still time:
• Create or update your will.
• Write your memoirs.
• Tell the people you love that you love them.
• Tell the people you hate that you hate them.
• Make any necessary religious pilgrimages or preparations.
• Go skydiving.
• Spend an obscene amount of money on yourself.
• Give an obscene amount of money to a hobo.
• Kill the hobo with your bare hands just to see what it feels like.
DAY 5. TRY TO CUT A DEAL. Things aren’t looking good. Fighting death head-on is getting you nowhere. Maybe you’re going about this whole thing the wrong way. Maybe you should be negotiating with death. Maybe there’s something you can do for death in exchange for getting the curse lifted. Carry out some kind of errand? Pass the curse to others? Kill a hobo? Wait … you already did that. Point is, this is a horror movie. Death is everywhere. If you want to talk to it, all you have to do is close your eyes and open your mouth.
Wait till nightfall, find a nice, spooky place with no one else around, and invite death to the bargaining table. Just close your eyes and speak into the darkness:
YOU
Um, Mr. Reaper? Grim? You there? It’s me. The one who you’re coming for in 48 hours. Listen, um … I was wondering … is there some kind of arrangement we might be
able to work out? Quid pro quo? I scratch your robe, you scratch mine?
(nervous laughter)
Death? Hello?
Since you’re in a movie, death will give a clear signal if the answer is “yes.” A candle will blow out, a wolf will howl, or (if the filmmakers are feeling uninspired) the word “yes” will write itself in a foggy mirror. If that’s the case, great. Let the negotiations begin. If not …
DAY 6. HAVE ANOTHER GOOD CRY. Other than praying for a favorable last-minute plot twist, there’s not much that can be done. You might as well enjoy what little time you have left. Are there any items on your Day 4 list that you didn’t get to?
DAY 7. FIND A DE LOREAN. You’re probably going to die today, my friend. Don’t feel bad. You tried. But in the end, “Tomorrow is promised to no one,” right?
It’s time for one last cross-genre Hail Mary pass: time travel. Find a local scientist, physics professor, or inventor, and beg for help in throwing together a time machine (assuming there isn’t a De Lorean in the garage already). If you manage to build it fast enough (before the screenwriter gets wind of what’s happening), it just might work.
Using the machine, go at least one week forward or backward. If you go backward, you can avoid doing whatever it was that got you in this mess in the first place. If you go forward, then technically you’ve lived longer than the one-week limit on your life, and beaten the curse.
SATAN CAN APPEAR IN MANY FORMS. HOPE YOU DO NOT SEE THIS ONE.
HOW TO DEFEAT SATAN
In the unlikely event that you’ve read this book from beginning to end, you’ve learned how to deal with some pretty unsavory characters. But nothing you’ve faced so far can come close to preparing you for the most dangerous character the Terrorverse has to offer: