Gwen now looked suitably shamefaced. I felt no guilt. Why the hell should I?
‘I’ll get this next round in,’ Gwen squeaked, then scuttled off to the bar. Some people just don’t know when you’re trying to help them.
chapter thirty-seven
Saving Ed
Claudine and Mel had been relatively easy to sort out. All they needed was a verbal head banging together. If that hadn’t worked, I would’ve gone in for a bit of literal head banging.
Gwen, on the other hand, was a work in progress. Later, obviously, I’d been visited by the guilt demons for being so sarcastic when she obviously wasn’t happy. It was true, no one resigned into a vacuum. And no one upped and resigned because they’d emotionally left. You might want to, you might dream of it, but anyway, blah, blah, work in progress. Another chapter, another time. I’d sort her out later.
It was Ed that I didn’t want to encounter.
Robyn was about to move in. Jake had given his consent, all the while glaring at me. Later, when Ed had bounced off to his room to start making space for his new love, Jake had glared at me while offering me a cup of tea.
I’d left it a couple of days after that to broach the subject. In fact, four days. In fact, four days that seemed to be more a week. I was that much of a coward. I didn’t want to burst his bubble. It was all right for Jake, he wasn’t being asked to go life-destroying.
Ed’s hair had grown a bit, taking the harshness off his face. His face was so flushed with joy, his body was back to being clothed in his usual type of attire, the jeans, the heavy metal T-shirt, the lumberjack shirt but this time they all looked cleaned and ironed. You thought you knew someone, but that bendy kid with the blank stare was richer than I’d ever imagined anyone could be. The son of a tinned foods manufacturer, so he was. The irony of that being Ed constantly looked like he needed a good feeding. How the hell would I approach this, anyway? ‘Ed, that good-looking woman you’re so enamoured with, well, Jake thinks she’s after your cash, and well, he might have a point . . .’ I mean . . .
Anyway, a week later, I climbed the stairs like a woman approaching the gallows. I wanted him to be happy. Even if for a little while. It was the reminders of those small pearls of happiness we needed to cling to in those times when you were so lonely and hurting you thought it’d never end. Ed might not get this happiness again.
I knocked, turned the doorhandle. ‘Ed, you got a minute?’ I asked.
‘Course,’ Ed grinned, pausing in folding up his clothes. ‘Come in.’
He indicated to a small clear space on his bed. ‘Sit yourself down.’
I sat on his pillow, pulled my bare feet up, moved a little to get my bum into a comfortable position. His room was almost as large as mine. He’d even squeezed a small sofa in the corner, it was like a studio. Nice carpet, pale blue walls, high ceilings. Oh for God’s sake Ceri, it’s not as if you’ve never been in here before.
‘Hi,’ I said. Always the best way to start a difficult conversation.
‘What’s the matter, Cezza?’ Ed said, sitting on top of a pile of clothes. Seeing as he’d seemed to wear the same set of clothes until of late, he had rather a lot of clothes.
‘Ed,’ I began. ‘I know you’re totally . . .’ What’s the word, infatuated, in love with, brainwashed? ‘. . . with Robyn, but I wonder if it’s all moving a bit too fast.’ That didn’t sound too bad, did it?
‘Yeah, it is. But I’m happy Ceri.’
Fair enough. I’ll be going then.
‘I know Jake thinks that,’ Ed said. ‘He’s made no secret of it, but I thought you’d understand.’
‘Ed, you’re getting married next year. You won’t have known her but a year before you make a lifetime commitment. I do understand, but it doesn’t stop me worrying.’
‘I love her.’
‘But why do you have to give up college? Why not her?’
Ed got up, went to the window, perched himself on the wide window ledge. ‘Jake told you, didn’t he?’
‘Told me what?’
‘I told him to not tell a soul, but he told you how much money my family has. And he thinks Robyn couldn’t possibly love me for me being me, it has to be for my money. Well, my family’s money. I’m not worthy, I’m not good-looking enough, I’m not funny or witty or clever enough, it has to be my family’s money. Is that what you think too?’
‘It’s crossed my mind, but no, I don’t think that. Even if your family were as poor as church mice, I’d still want to know why you have to give up college and her not. You’re in this fifty-fifty. Why do you get to make the big sacrifice?’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really. I don’t think for one minute you’re the sort of person who would live off his family money. You’d get bored. You need to be working, Edwardo, you’re that kind of lad, so why give up your chosen path?’
Ed stared at the ground, then looked up at me. ‘Ceri, I hate college. The only other person I told that to is Robyn. I mean, I really hate college. I was only doing a PhD cos I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I finished college, and it made sense to carry on. And now, I’ve got a reason to give it up.’
‘But Robyn shouldn’t be your reason.’
‘She isn’t. I said I’ve got a reason, I didn’t say Robyn was that reason. She loves college, she’s staying till the end of the year.’
‘And your reason is . . .?’
‘Only Robyn knows. And me, of course.’
‘Of course.’
‘Robyn and I have this plan. It was my idea, a vague idea, and then I told her and she helped refine it.’
Ed moved off the window sill, went to his desk drawer, pulled it open, pulled out a folder, bulging with papers. He handed me the folder. On the front was scrawled Ed & Robyn’s Top Secret Project.
I opened the orange folder, flicked through. There was page after page of what looked like a business plan. Letters from banks, info on business loans, specs on office space. ‘What is this apart from your Secret Project?’ I was too stunned by how much was done to take any info in.
‘We’re going into business. But not like that. The only part of my college life I like is the teaching part. And I love literature and plays and Robyn’s an actress. She knows lots of actors who’ll be willing to give up their time for a while. So, well, we’re going to set up a touring company. We travel to schools, teach them about putting on plays, how all the boring stuff they read was meant to be done. It’ll help get children interested in literature.’
Vague idea indeed.
‘We won’t make big profits. We’ll just charge a fee to cover costs and to allow us to live. Any profits will go back into the business at first. I mean, it’s top secret now, but when Robyn finishes college we’ll get to it. We’ve almost got the funding sorted and . . .’
I could warm myself by the fire that burnt in Ed’s eyes; I could lift my heart with the passion that fuelled his words. This really was the real deal for Ed.
‘And you’re going to do all this with Robyn?’
‘I told you before it wasn’t just a wank thing with Robyn. It’s not just a sex thing with her now that I’ve got her. It’s an every thing. Cezza, I don’t know if we’re all supposed to be with one person all our life; I don’t know if we’ve got soul mates, but I do know Robyn is the only person I want to work towards something with. I’m on this road, she’s on it with me. “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.” That’s what you said.’ (I knew that would come back to haunt me at some point.) ‘Now that’s what I’m seeing through. I might very well hate Robyn after a few years; our business might fall flat on its face, but it might not. And at least I’ll know. I’m young enough to start again if it all goes horribly wrong.’
And what do you say to that? Go back on everything I’ve ever done myself ?
‘I’ll leave you to it, then.’ I stood.
‘Thanks, Ceri,’ Ed said.
‘For?’
‘Speaking your mind instead of j
ust being nasty to Robyn. I really do love her.’
‘Good for you, sweetie.’
‘Oh, and I haven’t told Robyn about my family’s money. The only person I’ve told was Jake and now you.’
‘Don’t worry, I shan’t tell another soul. Not even Jess.’
‘Thanks.’
No, sweetheart, thank you. For reminding me why I gave up my life down south in the first place. Wasn’t it, life’s too long not to go for it?
‘Mission accomplished,’ I said to Jake, when he came back from college later.
‘You talked to Ed?’ he said, relieved and terrified in one go.
‘I did.’
‘And he’s going to slow down. Not leave college?’
‘Jake, he’s happy. He’s really happy. Leave him to it. If it does go horribly wrong, you’ll be the first one he comes to. Unless, of course, you’re going to turn your back on him.’
‘Course I wouldn’t. But Ceri, you do realise that you can’t ever leave us now, cos if it does go horribly wrong, you’re going to be picking up the pieces too.’
‘Yeah, you might have a point there.’
Jake’s face came over all mysterious as he said, ‘Oh, I got a letter from Terry today. He kind of guessed I wasn’t speaking to him or opening his emails, so he wrote to me.’
‘And what did it say?’
‘Quite a lot. He apologised for what he said that time. He said that he was really ashamed of how much he hurt me. That it didn’t occur to him how hard it was for me to say all that and how his panic that I was making demands on him made him say all those awful things. He also explained that he’d flirted with me because he likes me, but thinks we’d make a nightmare couple, which is fair enough really. I just wanted to be treated with a bit of respect. For him to know that because he didn’t love me he had no right to ill-treat me or be rude to me, you know?’
I nodded.
‘Anyways, the letter went on and on, apologising, not trying to excuse himself and he ended by saying could I ring him and meet him for a drink so he could say all these things face to face.’
‘Are you going?’
‘I’ve been.’
‘And?’
‘And he’s nipped down the road to get some milk.’
‘Does that mean he’s getting another chance?’
‘Yes. And you know what, it doesn’t matter what you think, or anyone else thinks, it’s my life. My emotions. I can give the bastard a second chance if I want to.’
‘My work is done, here,’ I replied, then leant across the sofa to grab the remote control.
There was a short rap at the front door.
‘I just wonder who the woman in the pub who called him an arrogant, self-serving little prig, could’ve been,’ Jake said as he went to answer the door. ‘You wouldn’t know anything about that would you, Cezza?’
‘Why would I?’ I replied, innocently.
‘Why indeed.’
chapter thirty-eight
Love is in the Air
‘Champagne, champagne,’ Claudine waved two bottles about as she sang her way into the centre of the Senior Common Room. ‘I’ve got champagne. It’s even cold,’ she said. ‘Someone get the plastic cups.’
The Senior Common Room was unusually full. It was nearly the end of term and almost everyone came to college every day because they had things to finish before the summer. All except Gwen, she’d started coming to college less and less. She had that, ‘what are they going to do, sack me?’ attitude. Whether she had another job seemed to be contentious. Whenever I asked her, she gave me an enigmatic smile Mona Lisa would’ve been envious of and said she had something sorted out.
Craig furnished the champagne bearer with small white plastic cups. Mel appeared to help Claudine open the bottles.
‘What are we celebrating?’ Craig asked.
‘Oh, just the newest addition to my jewellery collection.’ Claudine held out her left hand – flashing her engagement ring. ‘Actually, I didn’t have a jewellery collection until yesterday,’ she confessed.
Everyone crowded around, even the men oohed and awwwed at the gold ring with three sapphires glinting on her hand.
‘We’re going to get married just before Christmas. It’ll be a small service, but we’ll have a big party, which I hope all of you will come to.’
The crowd murmured yes as plastic cups with champagne were handed out.
Claudine, looking radiant, grinned from ear to ear. Her skin was back to being vibrant, her cropped black hair was glossy again.
She’d put on enough weight to make her look healthy as well. ‘Three weeks ago I was plotting to be single, albeit unintentionally, and last night I got engaged. Who knew things could change so suddenly. Isn’t life funny?’ Claudine said. ‘Cheers.’
‘Cheers,’ the room replied. People broke off into little groups, started chatting amongst themselves. Most of the women stayed where they were to admire Claudine’s ring. I stayed in my seat, I’d look at the ring later. I was happy for her. She deserved this happiness with Kevin, but then, so did I. Not with Kevin, obviously. But with someone. And I wasn’t likely to get it, was I?
Moments like this made me feel sorry for myself, again; dragged me back to my ‘what about me?’ lamentations. Really though, what about me? When would I get a ring on my finger or even a declaration of love? Or have those bouts of loneliness abated?
I stared forlornly into my plastic cup of light, bubbly liquid.
Never, was the short reply.
‘Life is funny,’ Mel said, flopping beside me. ‘I called my wife.’
I looked at Mel. It was because of things like this, people like this that I’d be alone for ever. Come on, you do care, a voice inside said. Pretend all you like that you don’t want to know, but you do. You’re a nosy cow and you’re going to spend the rest of your life doing it. Yer might as well enjoy it. ‘Oh?’ I said.
‘I told her everything. Everything. She wasn’t happy. In fact, she abused me quite a lot. She used language that would make a sailor blush. And she hung up a few times. But, I apologised, for everything and . . . we’re having lunch on Saturday. Ostensibly to talk about our divorce. After the abuse, though, we had a laugh for the first time ever. A laugh, like I do with Clau. We could become mates after all.’
I nudged him. ‘I knew you could do it.’
‘Yeah, just needed that kick up the arse. Clau told me that she and Kevin had a really good chat. She told him that she thought she was heading towards something with me and that she wanted them to sort themselves out before it happened. He took it really well, apparently. So, they’ve managed to move on and, voilà, one engagement later.’
‘And you’re all right with that?’
‘Yep. I am, actually. I thought it’d devastate me, but when she told me, I was so overwhelmed with happiness for her, I realised you were right. I wasn’t in love with her. I was in love with the idea of her. Like you said, she needed attention. I needed to talk to Fran.’
I lowered my head onto Mel’s shoulder, looked at Claudine being the centre of attention. ‘You and me, kidder, we’re not so different. We should stick together,’ I said to him. Mel tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. Jake and Ed would have a fit if they saw us. So would Staring Man.
‘Can I get a bit of champagne, please,’ Trudy asked Craig. I’d begun to think that she didn’t exist. I hadn’t seen her at all since the loos.
‘You’re looking unusually chipper these days, Trudy,’ Craig said as he filled her plastic cup. ‘Anything we should know?’
An audience of expectant faces held their breaths and awaited her response. I stared into my plastic cup and started counting bubbles. I wondered if any of them had actually been on the receiving end of one of her outbursts.
‘The reason I look so “chipper” these days, you cheeky get, is that somebody inadvertently gave me a reality check. Made me face a lot of things I’d been hiding from.’
That was open.
&nb
sp; ‘And,’ Trudy ploughed on. ‘I might as well tell you all now, I’m going to have a baby.’
Another collective sigh went around the room. This was celebration city today. As everyone crowded around her with questions about due dates and names, I chanced a look at her. Just to see what she looked like when she wasn’t shaken up, crying or screaming abuse. Our eyes met, and, before I looked away, her face relaxed into the most beautiful smile, then she mouthed: ‘Thank you.’
After time had passed, and people had left the SCR to finish finishing off for the end of term, I caught Craig watching me with my head still on Mel’s shoulder, us talking about nothing much. His face showed he was thinking hard, like he did when he ‘sat back’ in a conversation. Then, he said, very loudly: ‘Has anyone noticed the vibe that’s been going on around here since Ceri started?’
I stuck two fingers up at him. It was an automatic gesture though. I didn’t actually care what he said. I’d be more surprised if he’d said: ‘Have you noticed how nothing has changed since Ceri started?’
‘We were all stuck in this rut of normality before, and then Ceri turns up and Claudine’s engaged, Gwen’s resigned and Trudy’s up the duff. And I, well, I am back with my ex-girlfriend. And, all right, most of you have heard me say she was a psycho but once I got to know her, she really wasn’t that bad. Or mad.’
‘I thought you went out with her for two years,’ one of the women admiring Claudine’s ring said.
‘Exactly. I only started to bother with her when Ceri started. And once I bothered, I found out there was goodness inside her. She’s really sweet. I like this vibe around here, though,’ Craig said. ‘It’s like, anything’s possible now.’
‘I know what you mean,’ Claudine said. ‘It’s like, the sky’s the limit.’
‘Yeah,’ Mel added. ‘It’s like everything is good underneath even if it’s bad on the surface. There are lots of good vibrations.’ He sang: ‘Good vibrations are all around us.’
‘That’s, love is all around us, duh brain,’ Claudine said.
Craig’s mouth dropped open as he swung round to gawp at me . . .