With her brother always so busy and rarely around, and her father’s refusal to ever mention it, she sometimes felt like she was the only one who remembered her, the only one who missed her, and the only one who hadn’t gotten on with her life.
Slipping into a pair of clean khaki shorts, a white ribbed tank top, and some flip-flops, she left her long hair loose and wavy like her mom had always liked it. Then she went down the stairs and onto the beach, looking for her friends, wondering if they’d show, or if they’d even remember since it’s not like it was something they organized.
It had started sort of organically, over the past few years, with the three of them just always congregating on the beach in the early-evening hours after school, and they’d laugh and talk and reminisce about all the good times. And there were never any candles, never any music, and rarely any crying. It was much more about celebrating her life than remembering her death.
Ellie sat on the old, scarred wood bench, enjoying the warmth of the sun-baked seat against the back of her legs. Some kids were out there surfing, and she felt a pang of guilt, knowing she should be out there, too. Especially if she didn’t want to totally humiliate herself at the Surf Fest. But this day wasn’t about surfing. It was one of the few days when she gave herself a break.
“Hey, Ellie!” Ellie looked up to see Jade smiling and waving, with her brown curls bouncing as she jogged toward her.
Ellie waved back, feeling relieved that she wouldn’t have to go it alone this year. She knew that someday she would, but she was glad it wasn’t now. Right now, she just wasn’t ready.
chapter fourteen
Lola stood in front of the mirror, dripping water all over the mosaic-tiled floor, wondering how her life had gotten so complicated. True, she may have been just the tiniest bit responsible for keeping secrets from those she loved, but was it really such a bad thing to want to make everyone around you happy?
Her parents had already taken off. So that left only Abuela, who, hating all things Hollywood (despite her son’s huge success as an entertainment lawyer), was firmly planted in the den watching TV in one of her ubiquitous housedresses.
Lola knew it would be easy enough to sneak past her and avoid her usual ploy of dressing in layers (sexy covered by conservative), but she knew it’d look strange and elicit all kinds of questions if she showed up on the beach to hang with Ellie and Jade in a pair of silver stilettos. God, I never get a break! And tonight would require no less than three costume changes—one for Ellie, one for her date, and one for her parents and that stupid movie screening.
She pulled her hair back into a sleek, low ponytail and put on the diamond studs she got for her sixteenth birthday, dropping her favorite silver hoops into the little pocket in her purse for later. Then she hurriedly stepped into a white terry-cloth sundress and ran out the door and down the street. She had almost made it to the top of the beach stairs when her cell rang.
“Hello?” she answered hastily. She had no time to talk, no time to waste.
“Hey,” he said. It was him!
“Oh,” she giggled. “I didn’t look at the display—I didn’t realize it was you.”
“You sound like you’re in a hurry”
“Well, kind of. I mean, I have to meet Ellie right now, and then my parents are insisting that I go to this movie screening thing with them.” She rolled her eyes instinctively.
“I thought we were having dinner?”
“We are! I can fit it all in, trust me. I just have to juggle a few things around, that’s all.”
“Lola,” he started.
“Trust me. I can make it work. I just might not be able to see you ’til a little later than we planned, that’s all.”
“I made reservations for eight,” he said, his voice sounding tight.
“Oh. Well, can you change them? Because that’s when I’m supposed to be in L.A.”
“Change them to what? Right now for the early-bird special?” He sounded angry.
“Listen, you don’t have to feed me. I can grab some popcorn at the movie, and then we can still see each other later.” She felt like she was begging, just like she had earlier with her mother. “I can’t wait to see you,” she whispered.
“Lola,” he sighed. “I’ve been thinking …”
Oh God, don’t say that. Don’t think! She grabbed the handrail.
“Maybe this isn’t such a great idea.”
She sunk down onto the top step and rested her forehead against her knees.
“It’s like, maybe this just isn’t good timing for us. You’re still in high school, still living with your parents …”
“You still live at home!” she said, feeling kind of angry. It’s not like he didn’t know all that. He’d always known all that.
“Yeah, but it’s different for me.”
“What are you trying to say?” she asked, but only because she had to. Not because she wanted to hear the answer.
“I just think it’s better if we take it easy for a while. Let things cool down a bit …”
She just sat there, holding the phone but not daring to speak into it. Breathe, she thought. All that’s required of you is to breathe.
“Lola?” His voice sounded small, far away
“I have to go,” she whispered, closing her phone, fixing her ponytail, and running down the rest of the stairs to meet Ellie and Jade.
chapter fifteen
Anne was just contemplating changing into something with an elastic waist and opening another bag of chips when she heard a key turning in the lock.
“Is anyone home?” her dad called, dropping his bag with an audible thump and heading down the hall.
Giving Christina a guilty look, she wiped the crumbs from her face, sucked in her belly, and buttoned her jeans again. “Um, we’re in here,” she yelled, hurriedly grabbing a napkin to dab at a guacamole stain on her sloppy gray T-shirt. “In the den.”
When she looked up and saw him standing in the doorway, she realized how much she’d missed him. “Hey, Dad,” she said, smiling and getting up to hug him. Maybe it was just her imagination, but he seemed a little surprised to find her watching Telemundo with Christina.
“How’ve you been?” he asked, looking from one to the other.
“Sí, fine,” Christina said, smiling and grabbing another chip.
“Um, we were just hanging out,” Anne said, seeing it from his point of view and realizing it probably did look a little strange. “Christina’s been helping me with my Spanish. Well, kind of.” She shrugged.
“That’s very nice,” he said, nodding at Christina. “That’s very—bueno.”
“Looks like you could use a little help with yours, too,” Anne said, laughing.
“So do you have any plans tonight?” he asked his daughter.
“Um, this is pretty much it.” She shrugged sheepishly. “My first week at school hasn’t been the social whirl you might think,” she admitted.
“Feel like hanging out with your old man?”
“Yeah, sure,” she said, no longer feeling angry with him for being gone all week. She just wanted to spend some time with him again. “But if you were thinking about dinner, I’m really not hungry.” She ran a finger between the waist of her jeans and her skin, trying to loosen them up a little, but her finger got stuck.
“That’s okay; I can grab something there. Why don’t you hop in the shower and get changed while I give Christina a ride home so she can spend some time with her family,” he said, smiling and nodding at Christina, so she’d at least know he was talking to her even if she didn’t know what he was saying.
Christina has a family? Anne thought. Oh God, she must hate me for keeping her here!
“And when I get back, I’ll take you to a Hollywood screening. There’ll be paparazzi, so wear something nice,” he said, eyeing the avocado stain on her top.
Anne looked at her dad, the truth slowly sinking in. This wasn’t about spending quality time with his daughter. Oh no. This was about work. It was al
ways about work. And now, with her mom gone, apparently she would be the one he would drag to all of his functions. Oh well, it beat watching soap operas she didn’t understand, and carbo-loading. “How long have I got?” she asked.
“Is forty-five minutes enough?”
“You’re pushing it, but I’ll be ready,” she said, waving good-bye to Christina and heading into her room.
chapter sixteen
“Have you talked to Lola?” Ellie asked, scanning the beach once again, but still not seeing her.
“No, but she’ll make it, don’t worry.” Jade smiled and sat down next to her friend. “I can’t believe it’s been five years already,” she said, eyeing Ellie carefully.
“I know; it went so fast. But then, in a way, it didn’t, you know?” Ellie said.
Jade nodded. “So, how’s your dad?” she asked. Jade always found Ellie’s dad to be more than a little intimidating. It’s not that he was mean or anything; it’s just that ever since he’d lost his wife he’d become hardened, almost aggressive, like he was some underdog fighting to get to the top, when the truth was, he was already at the top. And Jade couldn’t imagine what further career goals an oncologist and chief of staff at Hoag Hospital could possibly have. But then again, maybe that’s what extreme tragedy did to people—made them coarser, less trusting, more driven.
Ellie’s dad was a cancer specialist who couldn’t save his own wife. Who hadn’t even recognized the symptoms (even if they were practically invisible) until it was far too late. And being completely unable to forgive himself, it was like he’d descended into these awful feelings of extreme self-doubt and failure. And having always been kind of a control freak in the past, he now focused all of his attention on the one thing he thought was still in his control—Ellie.
Jade shook her head and sighed. She’d always been interested in what made people tick. But she felt lucky that in this particular case she only had to guess at the truth and not actually live it, like poor Ellie.
“He’s okay.” Ellie shrugged. “Still on my case all the time, but he means well. And it really does help me stay focused and on track.”
Jade looked at her friend. She was always so ready to defend her dad, but that’s probably because he was all she had left. “But on track for what exactly?” she asked carefully She never fully understood her friend’s unwavering determination. It didn’t seem to make her any happier, and it always seemed to come at the expense of everything else.
“College. I have to go to a good school. I don’t want to be hanging around here forever. And you know how much I’ve been wanting a surf sponsorship.”
Ellie seemed on edge, but Jade was determined to finally have the conversation she’d been mulling over for a while now. So she proceeded cautiously. “I don’t know, El. It’s like, well, remember when we first started surfing? How your mom taught us because your brother and his friends were making fun of us?”
They both smiled at the memory. Ellie’s brother, Dean, was two years older, gorgeous, cool, and a great surfer, so of course all three girls had idolized him. But he and his friends wanted nothing to do with them. Surfing was a “boy’s” sport, and they always got a good laugh watching the girls struggling to stay on their boards. One day Ellie’s mom saw what was going on and packed them up, took them over to another beach, and nearly every day for the next several weeks patiently taught the girls to surf until they were good enough, and confident enough, to hold their own. By the time they returned to Laguna Cove, the boys were no longer laughing.
“Well,” Jade continued, “It seemed like you were different back then. Like you just loved being in the water, and at school it was like you just liked learning new stuff.”
“What are you trying to say, Jade?” Ellie eyed her warily.
“Well, what I mean is, sometimes I worry that you’re not really loving this stuff anymore. And if you’re not really loving something, then like, what’s the point?” She looked at her friend carefully, but Ellie was staring off into the horizon, and Jade wondered if she had just stopped listening.
They sat quietly for a while; then Ellie looked at Jade and said, “I know you worry about me. But I worry about you, too. Only for the exact opposite reason.” She smiled.
Jade shrugged, then looked across the beach and said, “Hey, there’s Lola.”
They both looked over to see Lola smiling and waving, holding her flip-flops in one hand, while her bare feet carved into the sand as she made her way across the beach.
“Hey, you guys,” she said, leaning in to hug first Ellie, then Jade.
“Are you okay?” Jade asked.
“Yeah, why?” Lola asked.
“I don’t know. Your mascara’s a little smudged, and all these years I’ve known you I’ve never seen your makeup anything less than perfect.”
“Jeez. Cut me some slack, will ya?” Lola said, sitting on the bench across from her friends. “So did I miss anything?”
“We were just talking about when Ellie’s mom taught us to surf,” Jade said, eyeing Lola, still not convinced everything was so great. That amazing smile she always had seemed a little muted now.
“That’s one of my best memories of her. Well, that and those orange chocolate-chip oatmeal cookies she used to make,” Lola said.
“And don’t forget how she crocheted those matching sky blue bikinis for all of us,” Jade added.
“Oh God. We thought we were so hot in those,” Ellie laughed.
“Yeah, until they came off in the water!” Lola laughed.
“Right in front of those boys!” Jade said. “Too bad for them we were only ten, so there wasn’t much to see!”
“Speak for yourself,” Lola said. “I was stunning at ten!”
“Sorry, Lola, we still had baby fat. Ellie was the stunning one.” Jade smiled, looking at Ellie, who had turned bright red. She’d never been good at receiving compliments.
“So what are you guys doing later?” Ellie asked.
“I’m supposed to go to this stupid movie premiere with my parents,” Lola said, rolling her eyes.
“Must be rough,” Jade and Ellie said simultaneously.
“Yeah, yeah. I don’t mean to sound like a brat. I kind of had other plans, but I guess they just got canceled,” Lola said, suddenly looking away from her friends and toward the waves crashing in front of them.
“So, postpone,” Ellie said. “You’ve always managed to sneak out of those in the past. So what’s the big deal now?”
“Well, apparently he wasn’t up for a reschedule.” Lola pressed her lips together and stood up suddenly.
“Are you leaving?” Jade asked, eyeing her friend with concern.
Lola nodded.
“Well, in case you do manage to escape. There’s a party tonight at Aliso Beach. You should stop by. Ellie and I will be there.”
“I will?” Ellie asked, looking at Jade. It was the first she’d heard of it.
“Yes, you are going with me. In fact, you’re driving. In fact, you’re the designated driver. Anyway, try to make it, Lolita; it’s gonna be fun.”
Lola just looked at them and shrugged. Then she turned and made her way back up the beach.
chapter seventeen
Anne sat next to her dad in the crowded, darkened theater, watching the other audience members more than the action on screen. Or the lack of action, she thought. The movie was a total bore. But in the audience there were a few people she recognized from People magazine covers and award shows. Like, just two rows up, wasn’t that Renee Richards? And who was that scruffy guy she was making out with? Anne figured he must be really important, because as her father once explained to her, the more power you had in Hollywood, the more you could dress down.
She glanced quickly at her dad, mindlessly eating popcorn and shaking his head and smirking at the screen. Well, at least we’re in agreement about the movie sucking!
She leaned toward him and whispered, “I’ll be right back; I’m gonna find the bathroom.”
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He looked at her briefly and nodded, then quickly focused his attention back on the screen.
She made her way up the dark aisle, at one point tripping on some supermodel’s shoe. The model gave her a nasty look. Oh yeah, like it’s my fault your legs are six feet long and can’t fit in a normal-sized space, she thought, rolling her eyes right back at her.
Exiting the theater, she squinted against the brightness of the movie ads, popcorn machines, and the oversized chandelier that would surely squash anybody unlucky enough to be standing underneath during an earthquake. Not that she’d ever been in an earthquake, but now that she was living in California, she thought about them a lot.
Finding the restroom, she pushed inside and after inspecting her makeup in the mirror and washing her hands, she plopped down onto a little velvet settee and closed her eyes.
She’d been sitting like that for five, ten minutes max, when someone rushed by so fast Anne barely got a look at her. Then she heard the stall door slam and lock. Then there was some very loud crying.
Anne just sat there, wondering if she should offer to help. On the one hand, it was clearly none of her business. There was no way she knew the girl, since she didn’t know anyone here except for her dad. But on the other hand, the girl sounded so seriously distressed that it made it hard to just sit there and do nothing. But what if she just wants to be left alone?
Okay, Anne decided, I’ll offer to help. If she wasn’t interested, Anne would just go back into the theater and leave her in peace.
Just as she was getting up to investigate, the door slammed open and this tiny girl with long, dark hair, dressed in cute jeans, a white blouse, a black shrunken blazer, and awesome silver stilettos looked at her and said, “Hey, I know you.”
“You do?” Anne asked, wondering how the girl could possibly know her.
“You go to Laguna High, right? You’re that new girl,” she said, rubbing a hand across her eyes and smearing her makeup even more.
“Yeah, I’m Anne,” she said, thinking that now that the girl was right in front of her, she did look familiar.