I sat on the edge of the bed, wiping under my eyes to catch the mascara and trying to even my breath. I felt the same ache in my chest that I'd felt years ago when Connor had died by degrees in my arms. For a moment I remembered us the way we had been, sitting side by side beneath a summer sunset, building our childhood with bone-clean Popsicle sticks and hot whispered dreams. And then I let him go.
"STOP."
I could barely hear my own voice, but the chauffeur of the limousine--God only knew where Alex had found one in Tanzania--immediately screeched the brakes. Before he could turn around and inquire what I needed, I had opened the door and started running.
I figured someone would come after me. And would have caught me, too, because I couldn't really gain speed in a twenty-pound gown, a corset laced tight around my waist. I slowed only once to kick off the low-heeled slippers, thinking that I could run faster barefoot.
My veil streamed out behind me in a misty fog and sweat started to run down my neck and the sides of the dress, but no one was following. When I realized that, I slowed down, half hopping, pressing my hand to the stitch in my side.
I couldn't go through with this wedding. Our relationship, our attraction, had not been crafted in the real world. I was supposed to believe that a few magical weeks under the African sun would erase the differences between our lifestyles, that I could come home and slip into Alex's glittering Hollywood whirl without missing a beat.
All I had ever wanted was an affiliation with a university, a professorship, and a stunning piece of research. I had never even pictured someone like Alex, so how could I fit him into my plans? I sat down in the tall grass in the middle of nowhere, my skirts making a cloud around me.
It might have been hours; the only way I had to measure time was by the fact that I'd lost my veil and that my pancake makeup had pooled in a brown edge around the sweetheart neckline of the wedding gown, no doubt revealing my bruises. Alex's footsteps whispered through the tall grass, and he crouched down beside me. "Hi," he said, picking a blade and setting it between his teeth.
I could not look at him. "Hi," I said. He grasped my chin and pulled my head up until I saw him, breathtaking in his black tails and snowy shirt.
"Jitters?" he asked.
I shrugged. "You could say that."
His eyes flickered to my throat. Guilty, I reached for his hand. "Alex," I said, taking a deep breath, "maybe this isn't the best idea."
"You're absolutely right."
Stunned, I blinked at him, wondering if he'd bolted from his own limousine and, purely by chance, had wound up at the same spot on the plain that I had. He squinted into the sun. "I shouldn't have planned such afais-dodo . A big shindig. It would have been better to do it quietly, just you and me, without everyone around." He turned to me. "I guess I figured this was the kind of wedding every woman wanted. I just temporarily forgot that you aren't every woman."
"I was thinking more along the lines of canceling it entirely." There, it was out in the open. I hunched forward, waiting for Alex to yell or jump to his feet, to contradict me.
"Why?" he asked softly, and it was my undoing.
I knew he was thinking of what had happened the night we went camping, but that was only part of it--I certainly didn't blame him; it was more a matter of my being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The problems ran deeper than that. I hadn't known he was racked by nightmares. I hadn't known how much he'd been forced to survive on his own. I sensed that the Alex Rivers I knew was just the very tip of the iceberg, that strange currents and dark passions were somewhere underneath the surface.
"I don't know anything about you," I said. "What if the Alex who saves me half his breakfast and plays Marco Polo in the pond behind the lodge is just another character you're playing?" The unspoken sentence hung between us:What if the real Alex is the person I saw the other night?
Alex looked away. "I think the line is: For better or for worse." He stood up and turned his back to me. "I told you before I wasn't acting out my attraction to you, Cassie," he said. "And I suppose that you'll just have to believe me. As for the rest, well, like anyone else, I'm a lot of different people rolled up into one." He faced me, pulling me upright. "Some better than others, I'm afraid."
I glanced down at my beautiful wedding gown, the one for which Alex had sent halfway around the world. Its lace hem was dragging on one side and a string of beads had popped from the bodice to trail over the skirt. Across the back were stripes of red earth, contrasting with the satin like blood. I pictured Alex slipping into character under the milky eye of a camera; Alex playing stickball in the puddles behind the lodge with round-bellied native children; Alex leaning toward me in the night, branding me with his own terror. "Whoare you?" I said.
He gave me a smile that slipped under my defenses, an amulet I could carry with me for the rest of the day. "I'm the man," Alex said, "who's been waiting for you all his life."
He held out his arm for me, and without hesitation I walked toward him. We were late to our own wedding. With every step back to the waiting limousine, my misgivings faded. All I could think was that I loved Alex. I loved him so much it hurt.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
ALEX tried to time his arrivals at LAX so that they fell in the thin hours of the night, two or three a.m., when only the die-hard reporters hounded the gate and the baggage claim area. The day we were to leave Kenya, where we'd flown for a honeymoon, Alex woke me by laying his palm against my cheek. "Cassie,chere ," he said, kissing me into consciousness. "Cassie."
I sat up, noticing the neatly stacked piles of clothing, the precise line organization of Alex's shoes and toiletries, all waiting at attention to be transferred into a suitcase. Never in my life had I packed as well as Alex could, and this sort of surprised me, because I had figured there were three or four servants at his beck and call who'd do his packing for him. I rubbed my hand over my eyes. "Is it time to go?" I asked.
"In a minute." He stared out the window at the fading moon, which outlined the Ngong hills in silver. "I have to tell you something," Alex said.
My whole body stiffened. This was what I had been waiting for, wasn't it? The punch line, the realization that I had been living some kind of lie.Surprise , he was going to say,those vows were a farce. The priest who performed the ceremony was an actor . I looked away, not willing to let Alex know I had been expecting his words all along.
"No matter what, when we get back I want you to understand something." He took my hand and pressed it against his chest, where his heart beat strong and slow. "Thisis me. I may say things and act different from any way you've ever seen me act before, but that's because I have to be what people expect me to be. It's not real." He gently touched his lips to mine. "Thisis real."
Stunned, I couldn't say anything at first. Alex's eyes turned the color of rain. His mouth tightened, so slightly that someone who did not know him as well as I did might never have noticed. Under my palm, his heart began to race.
He was scared. He thought that I'd come home, see him for what he really was, and leave. He had no intention of letting me go; he was simply afraid that I'dwant to.
But then Alex couldn't know that the last time I had been in L.A., the days had run together, one indistinguishable from another. He couldn't know that my skin seemed to hum when he touched me; that I had never thought I was beautiful until I saw myself through his eyes. He didn't know, as I did, that I was the antidote to his pain; that he soothed me like a healer's balm. I smiled and offered the comfort I had believed I would be needing. "You'll see," I said. "Everything's going to be fine."
ALEX TUCKED ME UNDER HIS ARM, AND I TURNED MY FACE IN TO HIS chest, but even closing my eyes couldn't block out the sight of over sixty people jostling each other at the airport security gate to touch Alex's sleeve and to scream questions and snap photographs of the newly married couple. I breathed deeply, smelling the soap from the inn in Kenya and the warm spice that came from Alex's skin, and when I dug my fingers into his side
he hugged me a little tighter. "Ten more minutes," he whispered, brushing his lips over the top of my head. "Ten more minutes and I'll have you safe in a car."
I took a deep breath and straightened, intending to at least act the way I thought Alex Rivers's wife should act: cool and unflappable, not some wilting flower. But by turning out of Alex's shielding arm, I was giving the reporters their first full glimpse of my face. Bulbs exploded until all I could see were spots, dancing across my black field of vision, and Alex had to stop or risk my falling down.
"When did you get married, Alex?" "What's she got that no one else has?" "Does she know about you and Marti LeDoux?"
I blinked. "Marti LeDoux?" I murmured, smiling.
Alex groaned. "Don't even ask," he said.
My eyesight came back into focus just in time to see one reporter straining at the velvet rope that held him back. He pointed to my stomach. "Should we be expecting a little Rivers in the near future?"
Alex moved so fast that even the cameras couldn't catch him lunging at the reporter and grabbing hold of his shirt collar. I stretched out my hand toward Alex, trying to give the reporter the benefit of the doubt for what might have been a completely innocuous question. But before I could say anything to Alex, a mountain of flesh pushed past me, trailing a cloud of heavy floral perfume and a riot of teased red hair. The woman pulled Alex away from the reporter and anchored him to her side with her arm around his waist, then came to stand beside me and put her arm around me as well. "Play nice with the other boys, Alex," she murmured, "or you won't be playing at all."
Alex's eyes burned at her, but he managed to smile for the curious crowd. "I thought you were going to send out a press release, Michaela," he said through clenched teeth. "Not invitations."
The woman rolled her eyes. "Is it my fault you're a bigger draw than God?" She winked at me. "Since Alex doesn't seem to be doing the honors, I'm Michaela Snow. I handle Alex's public relations. Though from what you've seen, you probably know that Alex does not relate very well to the public." She turned her attention back to Alex. "And for your information, Idid send out your release--but you've got to admit that America's most sought-after bachelor marrying an anthropologist, of all things, is bound to stir up some interest. The tabloids have been having a field day with you--John's got them in the car in case you want a laugh." She looked at me. "According to theStar , you are a Martian queen who's zapped Alex with an extraterrestrial love warp." She pushed Alex a few feet away. "Go on," she said. "The sooner you do it, the sooner it's over."
I watched Alex walk toward the reporters and the cameras, and heard the whir of tape being set into motion in anticipation of a Big Announcement. Michaela put her arm around my shoulders. "You'll get used to it," she said.
I doubted it. I didn't understand why these people had gotten up in the middle of the night to take notes and ask questions about something that wasn't any of their business. I suddenly wished I were back in my dusty office at UCLA, where I could sit for days without a student interrupting or a phone ringing, and where I was just one of many. I was shocked at the idea that just by association with Alex, I would have to travel back roads, wear dark glasses, and let someone else fill my prescriptions. I could have Alex for the rest of my life, but my life wouldn't be the way it had been, and that was the price I was going to pay.
Alex was making love to the cameras. He looked just the way he looked when we were in bed; he turned the same sloe-eyed gaze and lazy smile on the black lenses and shutters that faced him. "Hottest damn place I've ever been," Alex was saying, in response to a question about Tanzania. He glanced at me, letting his stare run the entire length of my body until I blushed. "Of course, some days were hotter than others."
"Let us meet her, Alex," someone called. And another voice: "Are you legally married?"
Alex laughed, starting to walk toward me. "Well, the ceremony wasn't conducted by a Zulu chief, if that's what you mean. You're going to have to take my word on this, since the marriage certificate's already been forwarded to my lawyer for safekeeping." He took my hand and gave a quick squeeze. "May I introduce my wife, Cassandra Barrett Rivers."
The cameras flashed, but this time I was ready for them. I smiled, not quite knowing what constituted etiquette at a three a.m. makeshift press conference. Questions started rolling toward me, the words tangling up with each other: "How did you meet?" "Were you a fan of his?" "Is he a good lover?"
Alex lowered his head to mine. "I'm going to kiss you now," he said. "Turn your head to the right."
Startled, wondering why he was giving me directions for something that up to this point had been natural for us, I stared at him. "Why?" I said.
Alex smiled, pretending to nuzzle my ear. "Because that way I'm up-camera," he said. "The PR's more important for me than for you."
He turned me so that the cameras had the best view of our profiles, his hands locked on my upper arms. "This is your last photo opportunity," he said to the crowd. "You forget I'm still on my honeymoon." He bent toward me, and I watched his lips silently form two words before touching mine.Be brave .
I closed my eyes and pretended not to hear the clapping, instead letting my arms creep up around Alex's neck and holding him tight against me. When he broke away from me, I blinked, wondering when he had lifted me off the ground, when his leg had slipped between mine.
"Beautiful," he whispered, pulling me away from the reporters. "Hepburn couldn't have done it better."
Speechless, I turned from him. Did he think I was acting?
Michaela rattled off a list of things that apparently needed Alex's attention and couldn't wait even until morning. I moved woodenly at Alex's side, carrying my big striped bag in front of me like a shield.
The reporters picked up their shoulder bags and their coats, dragging along cameramen and photographers in their wake. It seemed to me that the entire airport had cleared out now that Alex had given the word to leave. We moved through the quiet halls behind Michaela, toward an exit, to the car that would take me to a home I had never seen.
It was only because Michaela was twice as wide as most people that I didn't immediately notice the figure directly in our path. Ophelia stood perfectly straight, unwilling to give an inch, her eyes locked not on me but on the celebrity at my side.
I had not called to tell her I was getting married, because I felt guilty about having a ceremony that she would not be able to attend. So I had wired her after the wedding, apologizing for having to tell her after the fact. As I scribbled out the note for the Western Union man, I had imagined her eyes going wide, her lips breaking into the perfect curve of a smile. I had wanted to tell her that I'd worn her black dress the first night I had dinner with Alex; that he'd removed the lacy bra she'd loaned me. Instead I'd settled for the ambiguous:HAVE MARRIED ALEX RIVERS STOP HOME NOVEMBER 14 STOP BE HAPPY FOR ME .
I had expected Ophelia to live up to the stories I'd told Alex about her and do something outrageous when she first met him. Knowing her, I thought she might wrap her arms and legs around him and kiss him senseless, figuring it would be her only chance. She might beg him to get her a meeting with his agent at CAA, or grovel until he gave her a bit part in one of his movies. When it came to things like that, I had told Alex, Ophelia had no shame.
But Ophelia stood very quietly, not even saying hello to me. She stared at Alex, not with the pure hero worship I'd expected but as if she was sizing him up. My face flamed with pride--here was the first person to question if Alex Rivers was good enough forme , instead of the other way around.
I broke away from Alex and ran to Ophelia, hugging her tightly. "I am so glad to see you," I said, grasping her hands. Ophelia, struck dumb, was still staring at Alex. I smiled--one day, when she knew Alex as my husband and not as a celebrity, we'd look back on this and laugh.
But as she continued to stand there, silent, I realized there was some current running between Alex and Ophelia that charged the air around me and made me afraid to move. In the ten years I
'd known Ophelia, I had never seen her like this. I searched for a hint of the woman who'd lost her job as an office temp by stripping off her blouse and xeroxing her breasts on a co-worker's dare; the woman who had painted a bikini on her body with ketchup and worn it to a casting call in hopes of shocking a director into a role in a Hunt's commercial. The Ophelia I'd lived with did not know the meaning of the word "sedate," had never been cowed by anyone in her life.
Ophelia dragged her eyes to my neck, and I knew what was keeping her quiet. Underneath the carefully painted base makeup she'd seen what none of the reporters had--the fading sallow fingers that still ringed my throat. Unwilling for her to get the wrong idea, I pulled Alex closer. "This is Alex Rivers," I said softly. "Alex, Ophelia Fox, my roommate."
Alex turned the full force of his smile on Ophelia. "Former roommate," he clarified, holding out his hand to shake.
Ophelia coolly pressed her palm against his and then turned to me, whispering so that only I could hear. "Not if I have anything to say about it," she murmured.
SHE DIDN'T MENTION THE BRUISES. SHE DIDN'T NEED TO. THE TRUTH was that she'd been harboring doubts before our plane even landed, and she had her case prepared. Her argument was simple: Ophelia thought Alex was setting me up for some kind of terrible fall, or why else would he have insisted on marrying me so quickly in the middle of nowhere, instead of having a big Hollywood wedding everyone would remember for years? "And," she hissed as we left Alex and John at the baggage claim area, "I saw that kiss for the cameras. Heupstaged you, Cassie. Everyone knows the woman gets to face the cameras."
I laughed then. Of all the people watching, Ophelia was probably the only one who had noticed. "What about all those stars who run off to Vegas?" I pointed out. "God, look at how many reporters showed up at three in the morning just to see what I looked like--can you imagine trying to have a private little wedding here?"
Ophelia jabbed her finger at my chest. "My point exactly," she said, leaving me to figure out the faulty logic. Exasperated, she rolled her eyes. "Itshouldn't have been a private little wedding," she said. "It should have been a media blitz. Every woman in this country wants to know who Alex Rivers married. So why does he hold a ceremony in the fucking Amazon and then sneak into the airport in the middle of the night like he doesn't want anyone to see you?"