Page 5 of Butt-washing Funny


  Part Three

  Clean Dirty Jokes

  The following are examples of the type of jokes told in the Midwest during the mid Twentieth Century.

  Elephant

  There was an old woman who had never traveled beyond her small Louisiana Parish. She didn’t read and had no television set. Not being worldly, when she looked out her window and saw a large elephant in her cabbage patch, she had no idea what it was. A traveling circus had set up in her town and an elephant had escaped. She at once called the sheriff.

  “Sheriff, there is a very large animal in my cabbage patch,” she said.

  “An animal you say,” the sheriff replied, what does it look like?”

  “Oh, it huge, dirty gray, and has a ten foot tail.”

  “A ten foot tail y’all say?”

  “God’s truth, sheriff.”

  “What might he be doing in your cabbage patch.”

  “Well,” she said, “looks like he picking my cabbages with his tail.”

  “With his tail?” the sheriff replied.

  “That’s what he be doing,” she said.

  “What’s he doing with them cabbages?” the sheriff asked.

  “Sheriff, you wouldn’t believe it if’n I told y’all.”

  Humdinger

  Judy May was a little bit short in the brain development, the whole town would agree on that. So, when the town doctor heard Judy May was going to be married to the former high school football all-state guard, the good doctor realized Judy May might need some advice in the sexual department. He got her off to the side and informed her if she had any question of such nature he would be most happy to advise her, free of course.

  Sure enough, three days after the honeymoon Judy May showed up in the doctors waiting room. The doctor took her to his office and asked, “How can I help you, Judy May?”

  “Well,” she said, “I understand most of it but one thing I don’t know, about twelve inches behind the head of my husband’s tool is these to shiny round things, what might they be?”

  The doctor said, “I don’t rightly know about your husband, Judy May, but on me it’s the cheeks of my ass.”

  Pig in a Wheelbarrow

  Clem Potter’s brother, Ben, wanted to start a pig farm. The boy didn’t have much upstairs so was only natural he’d ask his brother how to do it. His brother was impressed Ben was taking interest to better himself. He told him the first thing he had to do was get a sow.

  Ben found out a farmer had a sow for sale so he got out his wheelbarrow and went to the farmer, loaded up a sow and put her in his barn. The next morning Ben rushed to the barn, there the sow sit, no pigs.

  Ben complained to his brother. Clem said,” You silly damn fool you got to get the sow bred before she’ll have pigs”.

  “How I do that?” Ben asked.

  “Well,” Clem said, “down the road a mile is a farmer what does that, charges a dollar, two miles, guy charges two dollars, and three miles guy what charges three dollars.”

  Ben loaded up the sow, took her down the road a mile, and picked her up that night. Put the sow in the barn. Next morning ran out to the barn, there the sow sit, no pigs. “Darn it, should have got a better job I reckon.”

  Ben loaded up the sow in the wheelbarrow, down the road two miles. Next morning he rushed to the barn, there the sow sit, no pigs. “Pee, should have got the best job in the first place.”

  He put the sow in the wheelbarrow and down the road three miles. Same thing, took her home put her in the barn.

  Next morning Ben ran to the barn, no pigs and the sow was gone. Leaving the barn scratching his head he looked up and there the sow sit in the wheelbarrow.

  Public Officials

  (From Thibodaux’s Trial)

  The prosecutor, Neal Hardputter, came from a long line of wealthy French Parish Hardputters. They had made vast fortunes in shipping and under the table fraud, mostly involving Government cotton contracts, stealing merchandise from warehouses, and union payoffs. Slave trading before the Civil War began the Hardputter’s wealth.

  Neal’s brother, Jimmy Hardputter, made his money in a different manner. For twenty-five years Jimmy Hardputter’s title, French Parish Coroner. Oddly, when he retired, he opened the Hardputter Used Jewelry Shop. Wasn’t long before several citizens complained they’d seen their family heirlooms for sale in Jimmy's shop. It took Sheriff Boudreaux all of three minutes to figure out how Jimmy Hardputter acquired the jewelry.

  Sheriff Boudreaux related these complaints to Judge Mattie Hattie. Mattie suggested to the Hardputter family, “Anyone stealing jewelry from dead bodies surely must be insane, stick his ass in the booby hatch.”

  Protecting the Hardputter family name, in a hush-hush operation, most of the jewelry was returned to the rightful heirs and Jimmy Hardputter was shuffled off to the state’s mental institution. No one can recall what happen to the unidentified jewelry. Some said Judge Mattie Hattie’s earrings looked familiar. Didn’t say that to her face though.

  Jimmy Hardputter was never one to complain much. They say he fit right in at the mental facilities. However, once in a while a piece of jewelry would come up missing, from patients as well as staff. Never found any of the items on Jimmy or in his belongings. Three years later Jimmy died in the institution just as sane as the day they took him there. Was one minor exception, the undertaker found three watches and five rings shoved up Jimmy's ass. The undertaker later said, “Probably would have found more if’n I’d was a mind to look up any farther.”

  Deep South Family Tree

  (From Thibodaux’s Trial)

  The two town sots, known as Fat Larry Singleton and Larry Larry Singleton, only jobs in their lives had been jury duty. A good case could be made the two were half-witted half-brothers. Both had the same mommy, Fat Larry’s oldest sister. The family tree is a little complicated. Larry Larry’s brother was Fat Larry’s daddy, and Larry Larry’s daddy was Fat Larry’s half-brother. The rest of the family tree relationships need considerable thought to quote. There was an aunt in the family that believed her brother’s grandson was her nephew one step removed. The belief came after she visited the courthouse files and drew up a family tree. Those that saw the tree said she stopped when she got to her branch. Found out her daddy’s niece was her half-sister. She tried to erase that branch, but didn’t get it done to her satisfaction so she set the files afire. That got her in serious trouble with Sheriff Boudreaux. Normally he wouldn’t have cared one way or the other except she set the files ablaze inside the courthouse filing cabinet.

  The Singletons gave up on having family reunions. When they talked it over amongst themselves, they figured out what their kin had been up to. So, at the next family reunion they put a big bowl of condoms and birth control pills at the front door. Some took it personal and feelings had been trampled. At the time, Fanny May Singleton was carrying her cousin’s child, a no account whose momma had been Fanny May’s stepsister. After a fistfight or two, and a shooting, it kinda put the clamps on future family reunions. Only thing good came out of it, considerable reduced the size of the Singleton’s Christmas list.

  Other Books by William S. Butler

  Scraper Jones Treasure Hunter

  Baba Thibodaux I-40 Terror

  Thibodaux's Trial

  Don’t Panic, Plan Your Next Accident

  Coming soon

  Juici Juici

  Igod Emo

  About the author

  William S. Butler was born and grew up on a small family farm near Danville Illinois, in 1962 moved to San Diego California. He is the published author of Scraper Jones Treasure Hunter, Ba Ba Thibodaux I-40 Terror and Thibodaux’s Trial, a sequel of the first Thibodaux book.

  William has roamed the Desert Southwest as a rock hound, prospector, and treasure hunter. He earned his living as an Electrical Startup Engineer and technical writer, both writing and instructing others on how to write. Mr. Butler has lived and worked an adventurous life in forty-five different states an
d twenty-seven foreign countries. He is a licensed private pilot, storm chaser, and racecar driver. He served aboard a submarine during the Cuban missile crisis, and was a decorated counter insurgent during the Vietnam War.

  Mr. Butler and his wife, Reggie, have called Las Vegas, Nevada home for the past twenty-nine years.

  Connect with me online

  Disclaimer

  All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any real person resembling a character in this book is most likely deep in the swamps of Louisiana, in a mental hospitals or a federal prison.

 
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