to hell as long as I recite a few holy prayers after doing it.”
Much to Ian’s surprise, this actually got a smattering of chuckles from the class. Whether or not they were laughing with him or at him didn't matter. Ian no longer cared about what anyone thought of him. This was now for him more of a quixotic odyssey than a homework assignment. Ian now went for a full-fledged assault on Becker's dignity.
"I know for a fact, that up until the 7th grade, Becker over here didn't go to a public school. He went to St. Ignatius, where I'm sure he got the crap beaten out of him by some other pious Christian....So now he's taking it out on me.”
Ian suddenly noticed a bit of a change of ambiance throughout the classroom. Could it possibly be that they were actually finding him entertaining? With less than a few minutes to go, Ian decided it was time to zero in on the target that would serve as the climax to his stand-up routine. He moved in front of Phoebe's desk, leaned over, and looked her directly in the eye.
"Phoebe, I noticed that when I asked everybody whether or not they believed in God, you were one of the few people who in fact, did not raise your hand."
Phoebe glared back at him like a junkyard pitbull.
"Phoebe, may I be so bold as to inquire what the hell you were doing in the hall last night?"
Because Ian was leaning right in front of her, she was now mostly hidden from Mrs. Pinny. This enabled her to show the finger again. Ian pointed to her raised finger and continued, "I mean besides that." This caused a few scattered giggles throughout the class. Ian was now starting to actually believe that he just might be able to win this audience over completely if he kept up the momentum.
"Well since you've decided to shut up, I guess I'll just have to tell everyone why you were there. It was basically the same reason that I was there and she was there," Ian nodded towards Rita, who was sitting next to Phoebe. "Because Ricky is the Mayor's son and our parents all told us that it 'wouldn't look good' if we didn't show up."
Ian looked up at the class. "And that, my friends, is religion in a nutshell. Making appearances at appropriate occasions to show off what nice clothes you have. It's not all that much different from a celebrity red carpet photo show off. We are comfortable being hypocrites
"Watch your language Mr. Ian," interrupted Mrs. Pinny. "You've got less than a minute to wrap this up."
Ian decided to end in a broad flourish. "To sum it all up, religion isn't about doing what you personally think is ethically correct, it's all about impressing others. It doesn't matter whether or not you're really a good person. The object is to make everybody think you're a good person." Ian stared hard at Phoebe for one last time. "And believe me Phoebe, if the rumours I've been hearing over the years about your mom have any weight to them...for her that is going to be one herculean undertaking."
As Ian turned to walk back to his seat, all hell broke loose. Phoebe picked the textbook off of her desk and reached back to throw it at him, but Rita managed to grab it from her. She then lunged at Ian, but Betty and Trish both managed to tackle her. Several chairs and desks were knocked over, when the lunch bell suddenly rang.
"Everybody freeze where you are right now!!" Mrs. Pinny was furious. She turned to the four girls. "I want the four of you to pick up those chairs and desks right now." Rita, Betty and Trish relented, while Phoebe just stood up and brushed herself off. She was still scowling at Ian, who hadn't quite made it back to his seat.
"Alright, everyone listen carefully. I want everybody except for Ian and Steven to stand up and file out of here in a slow and orderly fashion."
As the class followed orders, Ian piped up.
"Mrs. Pinny, Steven is completely innocent," Ian shouted defiantly, his face growing red. "We worked on this project independently of one another. He had no idea that I was going to do what I just did. If you're going to punish someone, you punish me, not him!"
Although Mrs. Pinny was taken aback by the Ian's disrespectful attitude, she still maintained enough composure to realize that what he was saying did make sense. She looked over at Steven, who was now literally trembling, and nodded towards the door.
"You're free to go,."
"Thank you." Steven didn't hesitate, he slipped out just as the last student exited. Mrs. Pinny slammed the door behind him.
11:33 am
Out in the hallway, the conversation was predictable.
"Ian is dead meat," Becker said furiously. "I will kill him."
"Not if I can do it first," countered Phoebe.
Trish's look on the situation was a little more jovial. "Well one thing's for certain. If either of you are going to kill him, it isn't going to happen between three and five o'clock any time soon. I think Ian's looking at detention for the rest of this year and next year and the next."
"Ian, have a seat."
Ian sat down at a desk in front of the room, and folded his arms over his chest. At this point, Ian was certain that he was either going to be either expelled by the school, beaten up by the students, or perhaps even both, before the day was over. Amazingly he was at peace with both of those scenarios. Everybody seemed to hate him, and even his family seemed to have pretty much given up on him. Now Ian was seriously contemplating which would be the best way to kill himself, before anyone else had the chance to. Maybe he could somehow climb on top of the water tank tower and jump head first into the town’s parking lot.
"Ian, were you planning on eating in the cafeteria today, or did you bring a lunch?"
He was somewhat confused by the teacher’s calm demeanor.
"Uh, I brought my lunch."
"And I assume it's in your locker?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Here," The teacher handed him a piece of paper and pencil. "Write down your locker number and combination. I'm going to go get it for you. After that crazy stunt you just pulled, I am seriously concerned about your safety. For the time being, I don't want you leaving this room, or even opening that door. Understood Ian?"
"Yes ma’am," was his simple response, as he handed her back the paper.
Mrs. Pinny disappeared out the door. Ian had no idea what to expect when she returned. He just sat there and stared at the desk for a few minutes. Finally Mrs. Pinny re-entered with his lunch bag, and placed it on the desk where he was sitting. Ian wasn't particularly hungry.
"First of all," the teacher began, "There's something really important I have to ask you, and I expect an honest answer."
Ian shrugged his shoulders, "Why would I lie about anything at this point?"
Mrs. Pinny sat down on top of her desk. "I need to know if what you said about Becker is true."
"What did I say about him?"
"I'm referring to the part about him banging your head into lockers. Principal Raoul has been going nuts trying to figure out what is causing all these dents in the lockers, and none of the kids seemed to know anything either."
Ian thought carefully about his response. "Oh, it's true alright, but to be fair, Becker certainly isn't the only one whose been shoving me into lockers over the last year."
"Who else?" Mrs. Pinny's eyebrows were now furrowed.
The wretched boy paused before answering once again. " Ma’am, I think you should know that it would take considerably less time for me to compile a list of people who haven't shoved me into a locker at some point or another."
The teacher now got off the desk, pulled up a chair and sat down at his level. "Why haven't you ever told anybody about this?"
"What good would that do? Everybody hates me. Even you seem to be more concerned about the condition of the lockers than me. If I turned into a whistle blower, everybody would hate me even more...If that's possible."
Mrs. Pinny now leaned forward. "Listen Ian. We don't hate you. It's just that we're not sure what t
o do with you. Virtually every teacher who has you in their class tells the same story. You're always sitting in the back, either sleeping, daydreaming, or staring at girls. Boy, don't you have any desire to better yourself?"
"Well ma’am that's a bit like asking someone in a wheelchair if they have any desire to ice skate." Ian sighed. "There's really only one good thing I can say about myself. And that's that I'm honest. If I wasn't honest, I'd be sitting here making up excuses. The fact is, I have no excuses. I sit in the back of the class and daydream a lot, because I'm a moron with no attention and no further wish."
"You know something," Mrs. Pinny interrupted. "Up until today, that pretty much would've been my assessment of you as well. However, after watching your performance just now, I'm now going to have to revise that opinion."
"Whoa! So now you think I'm dangerous too?"
This brought a smile to her face. This was the first time he had ever seen her smile. " Ian dearie, I can think of many adjectives that may apply to you, but dangerous is definitely not one of them. Listen, I don't want to give you the impression that I approve of what you did in class today, but it did show a side of you that I've never seen before. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen any side of you before, other than the lazy bummer."
"You want me to come into class and rant and rave like a lunatic every day?"
"No, you're missing my point. You may not have done what I assigned