“Sometimes I wonder if it was all worth it,” I whispered in the darkness. We were intertwined so completely that I had no idea where I ended and Benjy began.
“What do you mean?” he murmured as he kissed my hair, now clean thanks to the bathroom that connected to the Augusta Suite. It wasn’t very big, but it had a bathtub deep enough for me to soak in. No matter how hard I scrubbed, however, I never felt as if I’d washed the blood off completely.
“I mean—all these people dying.” I flinched as another spike of muffled gunfire filtered into the room. It grew farther and farther away as the battle raged on, but it was only another reminder that I had dragged countless innocent people into this fight without ever asking if they’d wanted to be involved in the first place. “What if we don’t win?”
“And what if we do?” Benjy’s fingertips danced across my cheek, leaving trails of warmth wherever they went. “What if every single prisoner in Elsewhere is freed because of your bravery?”
“I’m not brave,” I said. “I’m just trying to make sure the wrong people don’t win.”
“Sometimes that’s all bravery is.” He brushed his lips against mine, and I responded in kind automatically. “You’re the bravest person I know, Kitty. You did everything you could to make this happen. Even if we fail, it won’t be because of you. I promise.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I mumbled. He chuckled.
“Probably not, but you’re stuck with me anyway, so you’ll just have to find a way to deal.”
I poked his stomach. “You know what I mean.”
He sobered and slipped his hand underneath my shirt, pressing his hot palm against the small of my back. “What I know is that I love you, and I will do anything to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter how long or short it may be. But I also know how important this war is, and I know how important you are to the war, even if you don’t see it yourself.”
I stared up at him, trying to memorize the look in his eyes. They were full of something I couldn’t name, but I would have happily drowned inside them if it meant being closer to him. “It wouldn’t mean anything if you weren’t there with me.”
“And I will be,” he said. “I always will be. But the things I made you promise—” He shook his head. “You’re not just mine anymore. You never were.”
“I’m always yours. No one else’s.”
He smiled faintly and brushed his lips against mine again. “You’re theirs, too. They need you. Not Lila Hart, but you—Kitty Doe.”
I licked my lips, dried and chapped from all that had happened. “I can’t give them anything they don’t already have.”
“Don’t you see?” He smiled, but it was a wistful smile that made something inside me ache. “You already have. You gave us hope, and you gave us the will to fight. And no matter what happens, no one—not the Prime Minister, not Knox, not even you—can take that from us. Promise me you’ll remember that, okay?”
“Okay,” I said softly, countless thoughts swirling in my mind, each one shattering the moment I tried to touch it. “I love you.”
“And I love you,” he murmured. “More than you could ever possibly know.”
But I did know, and I kissed him again, molding my body against his. “Benjy?”
“Yeah?”
“There’s no Blackcoat meeting tonight.”
He blinked. “What?”
“And Knox isn’t here. No one’s coming to check on us for hours.”
Benjy frowned. “I don’t understand—”
I cut him off with another kiss, deeper than the one before and filled with every promise we’d ever made one another. “I think it’s about time we get out of these clothes, don’t you?”
At last realization dawned on him, and his eyes widened. “You’re serious? Right now?”
“Right now.”
His mouth opened and shut several times, and he glanced nervously at the door. “But what if—”
“It’s the middle of the night. No one’s coming, and there’s protection in the kit the doctor left us.” I propped myself up on my good arm. “Please, tell me you’re not actually going to fight me on this.”
“No! No, of course not,” he said hastily, and he sat up long enough to pull off his shirt, revealing his bare chest. “See? There. Shirt off.”
I grinned. “That’s it? That’s all I get?”
He looked down at his chest, running his hand over his pale skin and nonexistent abs. “Admittedly it’s not much, but I would’ve thought you of all people wouldn’t get hung up on looks,” he said, though he couldn’t hide the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“I’ve seen you shirtless before, you jerk.” I pushed myself up and toyed with the hem of my oversize top. “But you haven’t seen what the Harts gave me. They’re a damn sight better than my old ones, you know.”
His expression softened, and he cupped my jaw. “Impossible. You were perfect just the way you were, and you’re perfect now. You always will be.”
I closed the distance between us, leaning in until my forehead rested against his. “You’re wonderful,” I whispered. “And I can’t tell you what that means to me. But don’t you dare pretend you’re not going to enjoy the hell out of these, too.”
He laughed, his low chuckle sending shivers through me, and he slid his hand underneath my shirt again, his fingers creeping upward. “So will you, if I have anything to say about it.”
Together we leaned back into the pillows, his warm weight settling over me as we both set out to prove we meant everything we’d said to one another. And in that moment, I forgot about the rebellion. I forgot he was kissing Lila Hart and not the real me. I forgot about Knox and Scotia and the Mercers and every terrible thing that had happened over the past few days. I lost myself in him—I lost myself in us, and for the first time since this whole mess had begun, I remembered what it was like to be me again. I remembered what it was like to be loved.
I wish I could say that night was perfect—that it was straight out of one of the romances Benjy had read to me, full of fireworks and grace and everything a first time should be.
But it was awkward. And we fumbled. And neither of us knew quite what we were doing. And afterward, once it was over and we lay tangled together underneath the sheets, we both watched each other as if we couldn’t quite believe what we’d just done.
“All right?” I whispered, running my fingers through his hair. He nodded, his brow furrowing.
“I’m good. I’m really good,” he promised, tracing an invisible pattern on my arm. “Are you okay?”
I nodded in return, and for several seconds, we were silent. At last I couldn’t take it, and I blurted, “That was weird.”
An odd, strangled chuckle escaped him, as if he’d been trying to hold it in and failed. “Really weird.”
“Is it always supposed to feel like that?”
“Really? You’re asking me?”
I looked at him, and he looked at me. And together we burst out laughing.
This was what I’d missed—happiness that wasn’t weighed down by grief. Enjoying all the moments together we could steal. Looking into his eyes and knowing that no matter what happened, I would always have him, and he would always have me. This was what I was fighting for. This was what we were both fighting for.
I laughed until tears stung my eyes, and even then, Benjy’s unintentional snort only egged me on until my stomach ached and I could barely breathe. That night may not have been perfect, but it was ours, and I wouldn’t have traded it for all the romance novels in the world.
* * *
Somehow, miraculously, by the time cheers echoed from every side of Elsewhere as the Blackcoats declared victory, Mercer Manor was still standing. Even the guard outside our door let out a whoop of triumph, but it was a
nother six hours before the door to the Augusta Suite finally opened.
Benjy and I were curled up on the bed as he read a book to me, both of us fully dressed now, but we sat up when a soldier appeared in the doorway. It was the same one from the foyer—the leader of the squad that had taken Hannah away. “Miss Hart,” he said gruffly. “Mr. Creed wants to see you.”
“It’s about time,” I said, and I glanced uneasily at Benjy. He kissed my temple.
“I’ll be right here when you get back,” he said, and I squeezed his hand.
“You’d better be.”
The soldier led me through the hallway and down the familiar grand staircase. I expected him to open the front door, and I was just about to mention the fact I wasn’t wearing shoes when instead, he opened the doors to Mercer’s office.
Knox sat behind the desk, his reading glasses perched on his nose as he sorted through several files. In the background, a television monitor displayed a twenty-four hour news channel, and I briefly saw a picture of what looked like a bird’s-eye view of Elsewhere.
“This close the whole time, and you couldn’t bother to say hi?” I said, crossing my arms. The soldier shut the door behind me, leaving us alone.
“I was a little busy winning the battle,” said Knox. He finally looked at me, and even with the ten feet between us, I could see that the lines in his face had deepened, and the skin underneath his eyes had turned purple.
“Is Hannah alive?” I said, and he nodded.
“She’s being held in an underground facility right now with the other prisoners of war.”
“She’s not a prisoner,” I said. “She’s my mother.”
“I know.” He removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m doing my best here, Kitty. The prisoners want someone to blame, and there’s a chance she’s going to take the fall.”
My stomach tightened. “If that happens—”
“It won’t.” He straightened, and his dark eyes met mine. “Tonight, during shift change, Hannah is going to disappear.”
I opened my mouth to object, but before I could utter a single syllable, he continued.
“She’ll be alive, and she will be moved to a safe location only I know,” he said. “Everyone else will be told she was executed. Do you understand?”
I clenched my jaw and nodded. If nothing else, at least Hannah would be safe. “Why didn’t you tell me she was my mother?”
“I only found out when I read your files. She was no one to you until you arrived in Elsewhere, and once you were here, it was safer that you didn’t know. I only showed her who you really were when I thought Mercer was going to kill you.”
“He was,” I said, my skin going clammy at the memory. Teeth or toes. “And you left me.”
“I had no choice. If I stayed, Mercer would have caught on, and then we would have both been dead.”
For a long moment, I was silent. He was right, of course, but no amount of rationalizing it would ever make me forgive him. “I needed you,” I said shakily, “and you were off playing soldier instead. Mercer had us in the cage—Benjy and me. We nearly died—”
“Did I or did I not tell you not to go after the codes?”
I faltered. “If I hadn’t—”
“I would have found a way,” he said. “Sometimes you need to trust me, Kitty.”
“I would, if you ever stopped using me like another piece in your damn game,” I said. “I’m not your toy, and until you start trusting me, there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to trust you.”
Knox sighed, and he reached into a drawer, pulling out the picture frame Greyson had given me. “Here. I thought you might want this back.”
I took it, gazing down at Greyson’s face. No matter how this ended, his life would be another casualty of war one way or the other. “Did you know the whole time?” I said, the words sticking in my throat.
“Did I know what?”
“That Greyson and I—” I swallowed hard. “Did you know the real Daxton was my father?”
Knox grimaced, and he folded his hands. “No.”
“Why didn’t you tell me after you found my file?” I said. “I had a right to know.”
“You did,” he agreed. “And I would have if things hadn’t happened the way they did. But who your father is—it was never important.”
“It was important to me. Even if I never tell you where the impostor’s file is, holding back something like this—you should have told me.”
He rubbed his eyes wearily. “Yes. Probably. But you know now, and that isn’t the reason I called you here anyway.”
“Then what is?” I said. “I know we won the battle. I’m pretty sure the entire country does by now.”
“We won the battle, but we haven’t won the war,” he said. In the background a newscaster flashed a picture of Knox across the screen. There was no going back for either of us now. “We have the weapons, but Daxton still has the Ministers and the military on his side. This is an uphill battle, and I need people I can trust. People I can depend on.”
“I’ve risked my life for you so many times that I’ve lost count.”
“And I’m grateful for it, but right now, I need teamwork and respect, not willful disobedience whenever you don’t agree with my decisions. I need an army, Kitty. Not someone who’s unreliable and doesn’t listen.”
“I—” I stared at him. “If you just trusted me and told me things—”
“But I don’t,” he said. “Not yet. Maybe not ever at this rate. I’m keeping my promise to you. You and Benjy will be shipped off with Hannah, and the three of you will remain in a safe, undisclosed location for the rest of the war. No one will find you there, I promise, and once it’s over, you’ll live the rest of your lives in peace. Isn’t that exactly what you wanted?”
It was. Peace, a life with Benjy, a chance to know my biological mother—he was giving me a future, one I would never have otherwise. But my mind drifted to the conversation I’d had with Benjy in the dead of night as we listened to the sounds of war and death, and before I could stop myself, I blurted, “No.”
“No?” He raised an eyebrow. “I’m only going to make this offer once. If you refuse—”
“I’m not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not, these people need me. And I’m never going to earn my freedom by letting others die for me instead. I’ve done enough of that already.”
His mouth formed a grim line. “Kitty—”
“Why are you doing this?” I blurted. “You’re the son of a Minister. You’re a VI. You were going to live in a mansion. You were going to marry Lila Hart. You were going to be one of the most powerful people in the entire country. Why bother supporting the Blackcoats at all, let alone leading them and throwing away your future?” I paused. “Are you really in love with Lila? Is that it?”
Several long seconds passed, and finally Knox sighed. “People like you hold their loved ones above ideals. They’ll do anything to protect them, no matter what it costs. But me—I hold ideals above people. No single life is as important as this revolution, not even mine.”
“Why?” I said again. “People don’t just wake up one day and decide to lead a rebellion.”
“Sometimes they do,” he said quietly, “but that’s a story for another time. I need you gone, Kitty.”
“And I already told you, I’m staying.” I twisted around, sweeping aside my hair to show him the X scarred into my skin. “You see this?”
“Yes,” he said, and I turned back to face him.
“I’m one of them now. There is no hiding, and there is no going back. I’m not giving up just because you’re too proud and arrogant to trust me. I know these people better than you ever will, and like it or not—”
A tone on the television cut me off, and both Knox and I focused o
n the monitor. The camera switched to a live feed inside Somerset, where an empty podium stood.
Knox swore. “I was wondering when Daxton was going to address the public,” he muttered, and he pushed a button on the monitor to record the speech.
But instead of Daxton stepping up, a girl with wheat-blond hair and eyes the color of the ocean stepped into view.
The real Lila Hart.
“What—” I started, but Knox shushed me, and I fell silent.
“Good afternoon,” she said in a voice I could mimic in my sleep. “As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the restricted territory known as Elsewhere has fallen into the hands of a violent terrorist organization known as the Blackcoats, led by my mother, Celia Hart, and my former fiancé, Lennox Creed.”
I glanced at Knox. His expression hardened.
“These extremists have taken our lands, they’ve captured and tortured our people, and they’ve killed countless innocent men, women, and children, all in the name of their own ideals that destroyed the very foundation of our society less than a century ago,” she continued, looking straight into the camera. “My uncle, Prime Minister Daxton Hart, is working tirelessly to secure the country from the dire threat they pose, and he will stop at nothing until he has ensured the safety of every last American life.
“I’m not here today to appeal to the Blackcoats,” she added. “We cannot reason with the irrational, and there are no words that could possibly express our sorrow and grief over the losses our people have suffered at their hands. Rather, I stand before you today to ask for the support of everyone watching right now. If you or someone you know has information leading to the identification of those who supply or support these terrorists, we ask that you step forward. We need your help to stop this senseless violence and bring people like Celia Hart and Lennox Creed to justice. Not only will we reward everyone who comes forward with information that leads to the eradication of these criminals, but you will also gain our eternal thanks and the thanks of your fellow Americans.