“What are those?” she asked him.
“Ah,” he said. “These are stills from my favourite moving picture, ‘Bananas and Battenberg’. It is the deeply moving tale of a man’s journey from the banana plantations of Jamaica to the slums of Frankfurt.”
“I love the moving pictures!” exclaimed Fiona in excitement. “We have so much in common. First squash, and now the pictures!”
“Yes,” said Frederick. “Sadly, my fiancée doesn’t share these passions. She thinks I am very strange. I always have to go to the pictures alone.”
This tragic story almost moved Fiona to tears. “I’ll come with you if you like,” she offered.
“One day, maybe,” said Frederick. “You are very kind.”
He then left to go to work, and Fiona had to remind herself that he was engaged to another woman, a woman who was more beautiful than her. Tears began to run down her face, and it took her a moment to realise that it was because her paper-clip glasses had just poked her in the eye.
Just then, she heard a voice from the kitchen. Confused, she looked towards the doorway and realised that Cecilia was on the phone. She knew she shouldn’t, but she was curious about who her mother would be speaking to, so she sidled along the wall to the kitchen door, imagining she was Sherlock Holmes.
“Oh, you’re so funny,” Cecilia was saying. She giggled, taking another sip of the ‘water’ in her hand. There was a pause, then she giggled again.
“I can’t wait to see you again, Rupert,” she smiled. Fiona made her triumphant detective victory face again. Outside the living room window, several birds stopped tweeting and flew off in alarm.
“Wow,” she whispered. “I’m an amazing detective. First I discovered that my boss has a secret girlfriend called Cecilia, then I discovered that my mother has a secret boyfriend called Rupert! Nothing escapes my attention!”
Fiona tried to put together all the puzzle pieces in her head. Frederick was pretending to be in love with Cecilia, but was secretly engaged to Prunella. Meanwhile, Cecilia was pretending to be in love with Frederick, but was actually in a relationship with someone called Rupert, while her boss, Mr Cornwall-Hughes, was married but in a relationship with someone called Cecilia! And also, there was the mystery of the vodka which kept ending up in the water tank. Fiona was pretty sure she knew how that was happening, but she didn’t really know why.
When she had first opened the package with the polka-dot dress, she had not realised that it would lead her into such a confusing situation. Maybe the dress didn’t symbolise her innocence after all.
***
Fiona was on her way home from work one day when she heard an unearthly screech from behind her. Turning round, she saw that someone very angry was running towards her very fast. She found she was unable to move, only stand there in the centre of the pavement as the person rugby-tackled her to the ground.
“DIE!!” the person screamed at her. “I HATE YOU! DIE!!!”
“Gracious,” said Fiona, trying to get up. She noticed that the person’s face looked quite familiar. “Prunella? Is that you?”
Prunella clawed at Fiona’s face with nails which she had sharpened to a point just in case she happened to meet Fiona in the street.
“What have I done?” Fiona said indignantly, raising her arms to block Prunella.
“Nyaaaaaaaaarrgh!!” screamed Prunella, continuing to attack her.
Fiona tried to think like a detective. Quickly, she reached into her new polka-dot handbag and pulled out her emergency can of hairspray, which she carried in case of hair deflation. Removing the cap, she held it 30cm from her face, as directed on the side of the can. Unfortunately, 30cm from Fiona’s face happened to be less than 1cm from Prunella’s. Prunella screamed, this time in pain, as her face was hit with so much hairspray that her features froze in one place. She looked like a disturbed waxwork.
Fiona dropped the can with a clatter and got to her feet.
“What have I done?” she asked again.
“Aurgh,” said Prunella, which is the sound one makes if one is trying to unfreeze one’s face after it has been sprayed with a large amount of hairspray. She finally managed to move her lips, and tried again.
“You’re a fiancé-stealer, that’s what you’ve done,” said Prunella, not caring that her grammar was incorrect. “You stole Frederick from me!”
Fiona was confused. “He’s still engaged to you,” she pointed out. “We’re just friends.”
“He played squash with you!” shrieked Prunella.
“Only because no-one else would,” Fiona said. “I mean, if you’d offered to go with him, I wouldn’t have.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Me, playing sport? I’d get all sweaty.” Prunella shuddered.
“Well, it’s your own fault, then, for being such a wimp,” Fiona replied firmly. “There’s no reason to attack me.”
“Yes there is!” said Prunella hysterically. “He talks about you all the time!”
Fiona paused. “He does?” she said, a little hope rising inside her. She quickly squashed it again – Frederick was engaged to Prunella, who was more beautiful than her. He would never be with her.
“Yes,” said Prunella. “So you need to stop trying to steal him. Or I’ll find you again, and I’ll… I’ll bite you! I will!”
“Alright,” sighed Fiona. “Can I go now?”
Prunella narrowed her eyes at Fiona. “Yes, but we’ll meet again,” she said threateningly. Fiona smiled at her in an unintimidating way, and skipped on back to her mother’s house.
When she arrived back home, her mother was lying in the hallway.
“Can you move, please?” asked Fiona politely, trying to push open the door. “I’m trying to get inside.”
“Shertainly not,” slurred Cecilia. “I’m fery ill, I couldn’t poshibly move.”
“You’re not ill,” sighed Fiona. “Have you been drinking ‘water’ again? Because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Did you know that alcohol can cause harmful diseases of the internal organs, for example the heart and the liver, and also mental illnesses, including manic depr…”
“Slut up,” said Cecilia. “I mean, shut up. What kind off seventeen-year-old are you, anyway? Don’t tell me you’fe never been drunk.”
“Actually,” said Fiona, “I haven’t, since I feel that one’s behaviour while drunk is extremely demoralising and deprecating, and…”
“For God’s shake, you goody-goody,” snarled Cecilia. “How are you even related to me?”
“Mother,” said Fiona, “What’s wrong? Has a dark secret forced you into drinking to drown the sorrows lurking in your past?”
“Shomething like that,” agreed Cecilia, attempting to stumble to her feet. “Well, officially, anyway. Although alsho, I jusht like being drunk – on water, that is. You should try it shomeday. It’sh great. A few bottles and you jusht forget everything. I’m sho drunk I can’t remember why I got drunk.”
“So there is a reason!” Fiona said triumphantly, followed by a triumphant detective victory face. Her mother blinked at her.
“Are you hafing a fit?” she asked. “Because if you are, I can’t take you to hoshpital. I’d probably kill both of ush.”
“I bet you have dark tragedies lurking within you, just like Frederick!” said Fiona excitedly.
“I ekshpect so,” agreed Cecilia, “only I can’t remember them right now, sho don’t ekspect me to tell you about them. And another thing I’m not going to tell you about is my secret boyfriend, Rupert, who I’m cheating on Frederick with because I’m not really attracted to him and I’m just using him.”
“You have a secret boyfriend?” gasped Fiona in disbelief, even though she already knew. “Wait, you’re not really attracted to Frederick?”
“That’s jusht what I’d tell you if I wasn’t sho drunk I couldn’t remember it,” explained Cecilia. “How did you guess sho fasht?”
But Fiona was already running back down the garden pa
th. She didn’t really know where she was going, but life had just got a bit too much.
Chapter Five
Fiona didn’t stop until she ran straight into someone on the pavement. She tried to apologise, but all that came out was a sort of choking noise. As she raised her head to see who she had almost knocked over, she realised that the thatched hair and purple squash shorts were very familiar.
“Fiona?” Frederick said in confusion. “What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you have dark tragedies too?”
Fiona sobbed into his green t-shirt. “My mother,” she said. “I don’t understand her. My father doesn’t like me much either. Nobody understands how I feel.”
Frederick paused, and looked into her eyes. Her detective glasses had fallen off while she was running. “I understand,” he said. “I lost both my parents when I was twelve.”
Fiona gasped, and stood with her mouth open for seven minutes. Then she said, “That’s awful! I’m sorry!”
“Why?” asked Frederick, puzzled. “You didn’t kill them – did you?”
“No, no!” said Fiona hurriedly. “No, I wasn’t even born until the year after. Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Although I am, of course, an open-minded member of society, I feel that the difference between our ages is…”
“No! Don’t say it!” Frederick said desperately. “It would break my heart!”
“Oh,” said Fiona. “OK. Never mind then. Anyway, I’m so glad that someone understands how I feel. I can’t believe how much we have in common.”
“Yes,” sighed Frederick. Every word tore at his heartstrings, although he didn’t really know what a heartstring was. He realised he was leaning towards her…
“FREDERICK!” screamed a voice from the pavement on the other side of the road. Hurriedly, he pulled away. Fiona gulped with fear as she saw Prunella standing there, menacingly raising her sharpened nails.
“Eek,” said Fiona, as Prunella dashed across the road, causing cars to screech to a halt and swerve dangerously.
“Don’t worry, Fiona!” said Frederick heroically. “I will save you!”
He threw himself in front of her as Prunella descended, scratching at his face with her claws. “You betrayed me!” she screamed, seemingly equally happy to attack Frederick instead of Fiona. “You said you were going to marry me, and then YOU BETRAYED ME!!”
“But Prunella,” said Frederick, trying to fight her off. “Every time I suggest we elope and marry, you come up with a reason why it can’t be so. You have hurt my feelings too.”
Fiona squinted at Prunella. “Wait,” she said. “Why is she already wearing a wedding ring?”
Prunella stopped attacking Frederick and froze where she was, mouth opening and shutting like a goldfish.
“I…I…” she stuttered. Frederick looked at her in astonishment.
“You told me that was a friendship ring from someone you couldn’t remember the name of!” he said. “Do you mean to tell me you were lying?!”
Prunella pulled herself together. “YES!” she screamed. “Yes, I was lying. I lied to you about the fact that my name is Prunella Fitzpatrick. It’s actually…” she spread her arms dramatically, “…Prunella Cornwall-Hughes!”
“What?” said Frederick. “Not only did you lie about the ring, you lied about your surname? Why?!”
Prunella rolled her eyes. “You are so stupid!” she shouted. “I don’t know why I ever had an affair with you! You were so busy flirting with other women that you didn’t even notice I was married. This is it, I’m LEAVING!”
“Cornwall-Hughes,” muttered Fiona to herself, wishing she had popcorn as she watched the drama unfold. “Now where have I heard that name before?”
“I’m going back to Rupert,” sobbed Prunella. “He cares about me. He would never be callous enough to cheat on me with someone with a stupid name like Clay!”
“Rupert Cornwall-Hughes,” muttered Fiona to herself. “How odd. Prunella’s husband has the same name as my boss.”
Prunella rolled her eyes. “Goodbye, Frederick. I’m going to leave you to your stupidity, with your equally stupid girlfriend. VAMOS A LA PLAYA, you suckers!”
Fiona blinked as Prunella slowly walked away from them.
“What does that mean?” she asked.
“It means, ‘we are going to the beach’, if my infant school Spanish serves me correctly,” answered Frederick. Together, they watched Prunella cross the road, spinning around in circles as she went.
“Vamos a la playa!” she said giddily. “La bomba esallo! VAMOS A LA PLAYA!!”
Frederick sighed with relief. “It looks like I am not engaged any more.”
“Gracious me,” said Fiona. “Golly gosh. What a strange day.” It also felt like the best day of her life.
“Vamos a la playa,” they heard a tiny voice in the distance saying. It was beginning to sound disheartened. Slowly, it faded as Prunella moved out of earshot.
“I feel so free,” said Frederick happily. “I never told you this, but I didn’t really feel for her, either. Not any more.”
“But why did you get engaged to her, then?” asked Fiona in puzzlement, as they began to walk back to Cecilia’s house. She was beginning to worry. Frederick didn’t actually seem to be attracted to most of the women he had relationships with – could that mean that he wasn’t attracted to her either, and she was misreading the signs?
“Well, you see,” said Frederick, “I used to think that I loved her, but something happened a while back which made me realise that I was wrong.”
“Really? What was that?” asked Fiona.
“I met someone else,” answered Frederick. “Someone who made me realise that I had never really known true love before.”
“Who?” gasped Fiona as they climbed the steps to her mother’s front door. Who was this person, who had managed to steal Frederick’s heart when so many other women had failed? She began to worry.
“Why, can’t you guess?” he asked, as he reached for the door handle.
“No,” said Fiona, unable to think of anyone. “Not my mother?”
“Of course not,” said Frederick. “No, I was obviously talking about…”
The front door was whipped open. “He was talking about me, of course,” said a voice from the doorway. Fiona stopped and stared. She stared at the polka-dot dress, the shiny black hair coated in an entire can of hairspray. For a moment she thought someone had placed a mirror inside the door.
“What?” she gasped. “But cloning hasn’t even been invented yet!”
“No,” said the person patiently. “But I am your twin sister.”
“Samantha?” Frederick said. “You are Cecilia’s daughter too? How did I ever fail to notice that you are identical in appearance to Fiona?”
“You know her?” said Fiona incredulously. “How?”
“Why, Samantha is one of my best friends,” said Frederick. “She had begun to train to be a nurse at the hospital, and that’s where we met. But then she disappeared, and nobody knew where she had gone. I can’t believe she’s back!”
Frederick rushed to embrace Samantha. Fiona felt her heart sink again. Her hopes had been raised when Prunella broke off her engagement to Frederick, but now they were being cruelly dashed. It was obvious that Frederick only loved Samantha, not her.
“How could I have a twin sister I didn’t know about?” Fiona asked. This was one of the many questions she needed to know the answer to.
“Because we were separated at birth, obviously,” answered Samantha. “She left you with a friend, but she kept me.” Samantha looked smug.
“No she didn’t!” said Fiona indignantly. “She left me with my – I mean our – father!”
“You thought he was your father?” Samantha regarded her pityingly. “He’s not. He’s just some person Mother knew when she was younger, a neighbour or someone. He’s not even related to you.”
“I don’t believe it!” shouted Fiona. “It can’t be true!”
&nbs
p; “Fiona,” said Frederick, laying a comforting hand on her arm. “Listen…”
“Don’t you tell me to listen!” said Fiona tearfully. “You make me think you have feelings for me, then you turn out to be in love with my sister, as well as having a relationship with my mother and another woman! Well, I’m not going to fall for it any more! Our friendship is over!”
“Fiona, no!” said Frederick, as she ran towards the road. He pulled her back just in time to save her from being run over by a small child on a bicycle.
“Please listen to what I have to say,” he said urgently, but she broke free of his grip and ran away. Behind Frederick, Samantha rolled her eyes.
“She is so melodramatic,” she said. “Obviously she took after our mother. She wasn’t serious about you having feelings for her, was she? Because I only came back here to tell you that my feelings for you have become stronger and…”
“No, don’t say it!” said Frederick for the second time that day. “I cannot return your feelings. I only love one person, and she isn’t here.”
“Oh, come on,” said Samantha. “I look exactly like her. Can’t you just pretend I am her?”
“No,” said Frederick. “You see, you are far too much like Cecilia. I can handle you as a friend, but nothing more. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know why I even bother!” screamed Samantha in rage. She flounced off into the house.
“Wow,” said the stalker who followed Frederick everywhere, as he stuck his head out of a vent. “You’ve lost three girlfriends in one day? Nice one.”
“I thought I had a restraining order put on you!” said Frederick irritably. His stalker shrugged.
“This is the 50s,” he said. “Nobody checks.” He disappeared back inside the vent.
Frederick sat down unhappily on the doorstep. “I should have known it would all catch up with me eventually,” he said mournfully, picturing Fiona’s face.
“Learn to say no, that’s my advice,” said a voice from inside the vent.
Frederick sighed. “I should write emotional poetry to express my feelings,” he said. “But there are no words to describe this feeling.”
“Why are you quoting generic popular music which won’t be written for at least forty years?” asked Cecilia. “And why are you moping about? I’m sick of it. You used to be so much fun, Frederick, and now you’re simply dull.”