Tony switched on a lamp in the living room as they walked out; that light spilled through the open doorway and was the only thing that illuminated the bed. Soft penumbral light. Warm and golden light. The light seemed to love Hilary, for it didn’t merely fall dispassionately upon her as it did upon the bed and upon Tony; it caressed her, lovingly accented the milky bronze shade of her flawless skin, added luster to her raven-black hair, and sparkled in her big eyes.
They stood beside the bed, embracing, kissing, and then he began to undress her. He unbuttoned her blouse, slipped it off. He unhooked her bra; she shrugged out of it and let it fall to the floor. Her breasts were beautiful—round and full and upswept. The nipples were large and erect; he bent to them, kissed them. She took his head in her hands, lifted his face to hers, found his mouth with hers. She sighed. His hands trembled with excitement as he unbuckled her belt, unsnapped and unzipped her jeans. They slid down her long legs, and she stepped out of them, already having stepped out of her shoes.
Tony went to his knees before her, intending to pull off her panties, and he saw a four-inch-long welt of scar tissue along her left side. It began at the edge of her flat belly and curved around to her back. It was not the result of surgery; it wasn’t the thin line that even a moderately neat doctor would leave. Tony had seen old, well-healed bullet and knife wounds before, and even though the light was not bright, he was sure that this mark had been caused by either a gun or a blade. A long time ago, she had been hurt badly. The thought of her enduring so much pain stirred in him a desire to protect and shelter her. He had a hundred questions about the scar, but this wasn’t the right time to ask them. He tenderly kissed the welt of puckered skin, and he felt her stiffen. He sensed that the scar embarrassed her. He wanted to tell her it didn’t detract from her beauty or desirability, and that, in fact, this single minor flaw only emphasized her otherwise incredible physical perfection.
The way to reassure her was with actions, not words. He pulled down her panties, and she stepped out of them. Slowly, slowly, he moved his hands up her gorgeous legs, over the lovely curves of her calves, over the smooth thighs. He kissed her glossy black pubic bush, and the hairs bristled crisply against his face. As he stood, he cupped her firm buttocks in both hands, gently kneaded the taut flesh, and she moved against him, and their lips met again. The kiss lasted either a few seconds or a few minutes, and when it ended, Hilary said, “Hurry.”
As she pulled back the covers and got into bed, Tony stripped off his own clothes. Nude, he stretched out beside her and took her in his arms.
They explored each other with their hands, endlessly fascinated by textures and shapes and angles and sizes and degrees of resiliency, and his erection throbbed as she fondled it.
After a while, but long before he actually entered her, he felt strangely as if he were melting into her, as if they were becoming one creature, not physically or sexually so much as spiritually, blending together through some sort of truly miraculous psychic osmosis. Overwhelmed by the warmth of her, excited by the promise of her magnificent body, but most deeply affected by the unique murmurs and movements and actions and reactions that made her Hilary and nobody but Hilary, Tony felt as if he had taken some new and exotic drug. His perceptions seemed to extend beyond the range of his own senses, so that he felt almost as if he were seeing through Hilary’s eyes as well as through his own, feeling with his hands and her hands, tasting her mouth with his but also tasting his mouth with hers. Two minds, meshed. Two hearts, synchronized.
Her hot kisses made him want to taste every part of her, every delicious inch, and he did, arriving, at long last, at the warm juncture of her thighs. He spread her elegant legs and licked the moist center of her, opened those secret folds of flesh with his tongue, found the hidden nubble that, when softly flicked, caused her to gasp with pleasure.
She began to moan and writhe under the loving lash.
“Tony!”
He made love to her with his tongue and teeth and lips.
She arched her back, clutched the sheets with both hands, thrashed ecstatically.
As she raised herself, he slipped his hands under her, grabbed her rump, held her to him.
“Oh, Tony! Yes, yes!”
She was breathing deeply, rapidly. She tried to pull away from him when the pleasure became too intense, but then a moment later she thrust herself at him, begging for more. Eventually, she began to quiver all over, and those shallow tremors swiftly grew into wonderful wrenching shudders of pure delight. She gasped for breath and tossed her head and cried out deliriously, rode the wave within her, came and came again, lithe muscles contracting, relaxing, contracting, relaxing, until finally she was exhausted. She collapsed, and sighed.
He raised his head, kissed her fluttering belly, then moved up to tease her nipples with his tongue.
She reached down between them and gripped the iron hardness of him. Suddenly, as she anticipated this final joining, this complete union, she was filled with a new erotic tension.
He opened her with his fingers, and she released him from her hand, and he guided himself into her.
“Yes, yes, yes,” she said as he filled her up. “My lovely Tony. Lovely, lovely, lovely Tony.”
“You’re beautiful.”
It had never been sweeter for him. He braced himself above her on his fully-extended arms, looked down at her exquisite face. Their eyes locked, and after a moment it seemed that he was no longer merely staring at her, but into her, through her eyes, into the essence of Hilary Thomas, into her soul. She closed her eyes, and a moment later he closed his, and he discovered that the extraordinary bond was not destroyed when the gaze was broken.
Tony had made love to other women, but he had never been as close to any of them as he was to Hilary Thomas. Because this coupling was so special, he wanted to make it last a long time, wanted to bring her to the edge with him, wanted to take the plunge together. But this time he did not have the kind of control that usually marked his love-making. He was rushing toward the brink and could do nothing to stop himself. It was not just that she was tighter and slicker and hotter than other women he had known; it was not merely some trick of well-trained vaginal muscles; it was not that her perfect breasts drove him wild or that her silken skin was far silkier than that of any other women in his experience. All of those things were true, but it was the fact that she was special to him, extraordinarily special in a way that he had not yet even fully defined, that made being with her unbearably exciting.
She sensed his onrushing orgasm, and she put her hands on his back, pulled him down. He didn’t want to burden her with his full weight, but she seemed unaware of it. Her breasts squashed against his chest as he settled onto her. She lifted her hips and ground her pelvis against him, and he thrust harder and faster. Incredibly, she started to come again just as he began to spurt uncontrollably. She held him close, held him tight, repeatedly whispering his name as he erupted and erupted within her, thickly and forcefully and endlessly within her, in the deepest and darkest reaches of her. As he emptied himself, a tremendous tide of tenderness and affection and aching need swept through him, and he knew that he would never be able to let her go.
Afterwards, they lay side by side on the bed, holding hands, heartbeats gradually easing.
Hilary was physically and emotionally wrung out by the experience. The number and startling power of her climaxes had shaken her. She’d never felt anything quite like it. Each orgasm had been a bolt of lightning, striking to the core of her, jolting through every fiber, an indescribably thrilling current. But Tony had given her a great deal more than sexual pleasure; she had felt something else, something new to her, something splendid and powerful that was beyond words.
She was aware that some people would say the word “love” perfectly described her feelings, but she wasn’t ready to accept that disturbing definition. For a long, long time, since her childhood, the words “love” and “pain” had been inextricably linked in Hilary’s mind.
She couldn’t believe that she was in love with Tony Clemenza (or he with her), dared not believe it, for if she were to do so, she would make herself vulnerable, leave herself defenseless.
On the other hand, she had difficulty believing that Tony would knowingly hurt her. He wasn’t like Earl, her father. He wasn’t like anyone she had ever known before. There was a tenderness about him, a quality of mercy, that made her feel that she would be perfectly safe in his hands. Perhaps she ought to take a chance with him. Maybe he was the one man who was worth the risk.
But then she realized how she would feel if their luck together went sour after she had put everything on the line for him. That would be a hard blow. She didn’t know if she would bounce back from that one.
A problem.
No easy solution.
She didn’t want to think about it right now. She just wanted to lay beside him, basking in the glow that they had created together.
She began to remember their lovemaking, the erotic sensations that had left her weak, some of which still lingered warmly in her flesh.
Tony rolled onto his side and faced her. He kissed her throat, her cheek. “A penny for your thoughts.”
“They’re worth more than that,” she said.
“A dollar.”
“More than that.”
“A hundred dollars?”
“Maybe a hundred thousand.”
“Expensive thoughts.”
“Not thoughts, really. Memories.”
“Hundred-thousand-dollar memories?”
“Mmmmmm.”
“Of what?”
“Of what we did a few minutes ago.”
“You know,” he said, “you surprised me. You seem so proper and pure—almost angelic—but you’ve got a wonderfully bawdy streak in you.”
“I can be bawdy,” she admitted.
“Very bawdy.”
“You like my body?”
“It’s a beautiful body.”
For a while, they talked mostly nonsense, lovers’ talk, murmuring dreamily. They were so mellow that everything seemed amusing to them.
Then, still speaking softly, but with a more serious note in his voice, Tony said, “You know, of course, I’m not ever going to let go of you.”
She sensed that he was prepared to make a commitment if he could determine that she was ready to do likewise. But that was the problem. She wasn’t ready. She didn’t know if she would ever be ready. She wanted him. Oh, Jesus, how she wanted him! She couldn’t think of anything more exciting or rewarding than the two of them living together, enriching each other’s lives with their separate talents and interests. But she dreaded the disappointment and pain that would come if he ever stopped wanting her. She had put all of those terrible years in Chicago with Earl and Emma behind her, but she could not so easily disregard the lessons she had learned in that tenement apartment so long ago. She was afraid of commitment.
Looking for a way to avoid the implied question in his statement, hoping to keep the conversation frivolous, she said, “You’re never going to let go of me?”
“Never.”
“Won’t it be awkward for you, trying to do police work with me in hand?”
He looked into her eyes, trying to determine if she understood what he had said.
Nervously, she said, “Don’t hurry me, Tony. I need time. Just a little time.”
“Take all the time you want.”
“Right now I’m so happy that I just want to be silly. It’s not the right time to be serious.”
“So I’ll try to be silly,” he said.
“What shall we talk about?”
“I want to know all about you.”
“That sounds serious, not silly.”
“Tell you what. You be half-serious, and I’ll be half-silly. We’ll take turns at it.”
“All right. First question.”
“What’s your favorite breakfast food?”
“Cornflakes,” she said.
“Your favorite lunch?”
“Cornflakes.”
“Your favorite dinner?”
“Cornflakes.”
“Wait a minute,” he said.
“What’s wrong?”
“I figure you were serious about breakfast. But then you slipped in two silly responses in a row.”
“I love cornflakes.”
“Now you owe me two serious answers.”
“Shoot.”
“Where were you born?”
“Chicago.”
“Raised there?”
“Yes.”
“Parents?”
“I don’t know who my parents are. I was hatched from an egg. A duck egg. It was a miracle. You must have read all about it. There’s even a Catholic church in Chicago named after the event. Our Lady of the Duck Egg.”
“Very silly indeed.”
“Thank you.”
“Parents?” he asked again.
“That’s not fair,” she said. “You can’t ask the same thing twice.”
“Who says?”
“I say.”
“Is it that horrible?”
“What?”
“Whatever your parents did.”
She tried to deflect the question. “Where’d you get the idea they did something horrible?”
“I’ve asked you about them before. I’ve asked you about your childhood, too. You’ve always avoided those questions. You were very smooth, very clever about changing the subject. You thought I didn’t notice, but I did.”
He had the most penetrating stare she’d ever encountered. It was almost frightening.
She closed her eyes so that he couldn’t see into her.
“Tell me,” he said.
“They were alcoholics.”
“Both of them?”
“Yeah.”
“Bad?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Violent?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And I don’t want to talk about it now.”
“It might be good for you.”
“No. Please, Tony. I’m happy. If you make me talk about . . . them . . . then I won’t be happy any more. It’s been a beautiful evening so far. Don’t spoil it.”
“Sooner or later, I want to hear about it.”
“Okay,” she said. “But not tonight.”
He sighed. “All right. Let’s see. . . . Who’s your favorite television personality?”
“Kermit the Frog.”
“Who’s your favorite human television personality?”
“Kermit the Frog,” she said.
“I said human this time.”
“To me, he seems more human than anyone else on TV.”
“Good point. What about the scar?”
“Does Kermit have a scar?”
“I mean your scar.”
“Does it turn you off?” she asked, again trying to deflect the question.
“No,” he said. “It just makes you more beautiful.”
“Does it?”
“It does.”
“Mind if I check you out on my lie detector?”
“You have a lie detector here?”
“Oh, sure,” she said. She reached down and took his flaccid prick in her hand. “My lie detector works quite simply. There’s no chance of getting an inaccurate reading. We just take the main plug”—she squeezed his organ—“and we insert it in socket B.”
“Socket B?”
She slid down on the bed and took him into her mouth. In seconds, he swelled into pulsing, rigid readiness. In a few minutes, he was barely able to restrain himself.
She looked up and grinned. “You weren’t lying.”
“I’ll say it again. You’re a surprisingly bawdy wench.”
“You want my body again?”
“I want your body again.”
“What about my mind?”
“Isn’t that part of the package?”
She took the top this time, settled onto him, moved ba
ck and forth, side to side, up and down. She smiled at him as he reached for her jiggling breasts, and after that she was not aware of single movements or individual strokes; everything blurred into a continuous, fluid, superheated motion that had no beginning and no end.
At midnight, they went to the kitchen and prepared a very late dinner, a cold meal of cheese and leftover chicken and fruit and chilled white wine. They brought everything back to the bedroom and ate a little, fed each other a little, then lost interest in the food before they’d eaten much of anything.
They were like a couple of teenagers, obsessed with their bodies and blessed with apparently limitless stamina. As they rocked in rhythmic ecstasy, Hilary was acutely aware that this was not merely a series of sex acts in which they were engaged; this was an important ritual, a profound ceremony that was cleansing her of long-nurtured fears. She was entrusting herself to another human being in a way she would have thought impossible only a week ago, for she was putting her pride out of the way, prostrating herself, offering herself up to him, risking rejection and humiliation and degradation, with the fragile hope that he would not misuse her. And he did not. A lot of the things they did might have been degrading with the wrong partner, but with Tony each act was exhalting, uplifting, glorious. She was not yet able to tell him that she loved him, not with words, but she was saying the same thing when, in bed, she begged him to do whatever he wanted with her, leaving herself no protection, opening herself completely, until, finally, kneeling before him, she used her lips and tongue to draw one last ounce of sweetness from his loins.
Her hatred for Earl and Emma was as strong now as it had been when they were alive, for it was their influence that made her unable to express her feelings to Tony. She wondered what she would have to do to break the chains that they had put on her.
For a while, she and Tony lay in bed, holding each other, saying nothing because nothing needed to be said.
Ten minutes later, at four-thirty in the morning, she said, “I should be getting home.”
“Stay.”
“Are you capable of doing more?”
“God, no! I’m wiped out. I just want to hold you. Sleep here,” he said.