“Randall!” Dex yelled, trying to make himself audible above the roar of the jet engines, “Try to get as close as you can to the plane!”
Randall nodded, hitting the gas to keep up and pulling the vehicle closer to the behemoth next to them.
“THERE!” Dex yelled, pointing to the cargo hold. “THE LOADING BAY DOOR IS JAMMED! GET BEHIND IT!”
The asphalt soared underneath of them as they sped down the tarmac, following the plane. Randall tried hard to keep control of the vehicle, gripping it tight.
Dex swung the door open, careful not to touch the ground below. Bracing himself between the frame of the door and the car, he hoisted himself up onto the car’s roof, crouching low.
“DEX!” Cruxx yelled from inside. “TAKE THIS!” He raised the hilt of Dex’s Katana up through the window. The latter fastened it to his back.
“THANKS!”
Crouching low, he motioned for Randall to get closer. A crack in the bay door was just wide enough that, if he jumped, he might just be able to get a grip and hoist himself inside.
“Better move quick!” Fantasia yelled to Randall, raising a finger up to the plane. Randall leaned forward. Peering through his thick glasses he could just barely see the face of a giant Pikachu peering down at them.
“WE’VE BEEN SPOTTED!” He yelled to Dex, “GO NOW!”
Inside, the Pikachu raced to the cargo bay door, scrambling to fix it and lock the enemies out.
The car drew up to the cargo door, Dex could just barely graze the surface with his fingertips. He stood up to his full height, reaching with everything he had.
Pikachu was jamming a lever back and forth, jerking the bay door open and shut sporadically, attempting to break it free of the jam.
Dex waited for the right moment, timing Pikachu’s attempts at closing and recalibration of the door. If he estimated correctly, the door would open—only for a second—just wide enough for Dex to hoist himself in.
“NOW!” He yelled as the door opened just a few inches more than before. He leapt off from the roof of the car, stretching with all he had. His hands gripped like iron against the steel of the plane.
“He’s done it!” Fantasia yelled out. “Randall—get below him in case he falls!”
Randall proved himself to be an amazing driver when the time had come. Without hesitation he pulled up directly behind the cargo plane, under Dex’s dangling body as he scraped and kicked, trying to hoist himself inside the bay.
But Pikachu saw everything. Acted quickly, the yellow electro-rat opened the cargo bay door fully, causing Dex to dangle—his feet touching the hood of the car below. But the door kept lowering, threatening to crush Dex and the car.
Randall hit the brakes and the cargo door slammed against the tarmac, sending sparks flying in every direction.
“DEX!” Fantasia screamed as her friend disappeared under the bay door.
“I’M HERE!” Dex was on the roof of the car once again. But not for long—seizing the moment, he sprinted forward, jumped from the hood of the car with all his might and landed on the now fully-descended loading ramp.
Having gotten proper footing, he entered the cargo hold. The team in the car slowed down, letting the plane hurry forward. They watched as the giant plush Pikachu was thrown out the back, rolling down the loading ramp and onto the asphalt below.
Dex closed the ramp and drew his sword. It was time to end this.
“DAKIMAKURA SAN!” He yelled into the cavernous cargo hold of the plane, poised in the attack stance of the coveted five-point strategy.
“OTAKU!!” The reply echoed through the chamber, and from behind a large crate emerged a young-looking girl with hair the color of the night sky. “Dex.” She spoke softly now, “It’s been a long time.”
Dex stood in silent awe. Years had passed.
“You’ve…grown more beautiful.” He said.
“I see that you…have not.” She replied dryly. “Is your supply running low?”
“Bronies.” He said.
“Ahh yes.” She responded, “One must be careful—there are far more evil things than I lurking in the world these days.”
Dex did not reply immediately. He stood there, watching the beautiful Dakimakura as a flame of nostalgia burned strong within him. Minutes of awkward silence passed.
Dakimakura spoke, “So….yeah.” She said, “I’m gonna go…” And she turned around to head towards the cockpit.
“Why!?” Dex lowered his sword, his voice carried an imploring tone. Tears welled up in his eyes and ran down his pimply cheeks. “What was wrong with me?!” He began to pout. Dasha turned around.
“Dex.” She said, coming closer to him. “My dear Dex.” She said. “Do you really not get it?”
“Get what? We were best friends! I would have done anything for you!” He said, recalling the heart ache of his youth, how he fawned over her, yearning for and desiring her, convinced that she was his.
“I friendzoned you, Dex,” said, “…just like I friendzoned your father.” And a smile was etched on her face.
“What?” Dex asked, wiping his nose. “What are you talking about?”
“And his father before him.” She continued, relishing the pain dealt with every word.
“My grandfather?!” He cried.
“Dex.” She spoke, and the cute charm of an innocent teen was gone from her voice. Instead it was full of sadistic malice as she sucked the juice from every word. The plane was picking up speed.
“I have friendzoned every single one of your line—all the way up until your great great grandfather.”
“I don’t understand.” He half spoke to himself, begging further explanation. “You knew my second great grandfather?!”
Seeing the confusion on his face, she smiled a full grin—rendering all the appearance of her true evil. “Oh. So you haven’t figured it out yet?” She cackled in mockery. “Poor slow Dex,” she said, shaking her head.
“Dex---You and I are of the same blood. We are kin.”
“You lie.” He said in just above a whisper, hoping that his fierce anger might make his words true.
“Your great great grandfather--the Alchemist—he made me.”
“No.”
“Yes.” She continued. “I remember the days of my youth so clearly.” She said, relishing every word as though it were a dagger straight to Dex’s heart.
“I was just a pillow then, a bit of ink on some cotton—but your grandfather gave me life.” She said, “His knowledge of the homunculus and his unbridled, perverse love for the inanimate caused him to yearn for me. He desired me so badly. And one day…he brought me to life.” She added, “And it seems you’re just as much a loser as he was.”
“It can’t be!” he shouted, falling to his knees. How could his line—his grandfathers--have betrayed him so? How could they have unleashed such evil into the world?
“So you see, Dex. Your life is tied with mine.” She returned to her soft, girlish voice and giggled with pleasure. The misplaced, inappropriate laughter in the midst of such pain tore Dex to pieces inside.
“He was so in love with me…it was pathetic. But even a body pillow—even a Dakimakura can’t be the waifu of such a sad, sad little neckbeard.” She said it so coldly, as though neckbeards weren’t human beings.
“After all, what is a neckbeard but a misogynistic, faux ‘nice guy’? He wanted to use me only for sex. So I used him to get what I wanted.”
Dex was beside himself in pain. How could it be true? How could such a family secret have been kept from him for so long? Why would his grandfather have kept it from him?
“But you know what, Dex?” She said again, smiling. “You do deserve it—all of you ‘nice guys’—and so I will friend zone you, just as I did Paxton and Chad and thousands before them—and I will keep friendzoning thousands after them. Because the truth is: you are more animal than even the furries. You don’t deserve happiness, and you certainly don’t deserve love.” She continued, “Look
at you,” she scoffed. “Fat, short, covered in zits. Your tits are bigger than mine! You belong in your mother’s basement…oh wait, I forgot—you don’t have a mother! Oops!” And she covered her mouth as she forced a giggle.
Dex had had enough, he rose to his feet, raised his sword above his head and ran to the she-witch, engaging the first point of his strategy. His battle cry echoed through the body of the freighter.
Dasha was caught off guard, she raised her hands to shield herself, but there was no need. She smiled wide. Dex stood before her, hands raised with his katana extended above his head.
“What’s---happening…” His face was turning red as he fought with himself, “I…can’t…” And he released his sword, letting it fall to the ground with a clank. “Do it…” He said, breathing heavy.
“Ha!” She responded. “All this time, all those years hunting me—and now you can’t do it! Your blood prevents it!” She said, raising a leg and kicking him in gut, sending Dex sliding across the floor, coughing and spitting in pain.
“Pathetic.” She said, “Now if you’ll excuse me—I’ve got a date with Jiggles. And by the way,” she added, turning back to the disabled Dex, “maybe it’s the animal instincts—but Furries really know how to please a woman.” She laughed.
She stopped in her tracks. “Chad!” She said, surprised, “how long have you been there?!”
Chad looked angry. “Long enough, Milady,” he reached into his pocket, rolling a red capsule in his fingers.
He added quickly, “Is Milady hurt, Milady?” Noticing that she seemed a bit nervous.
“Oh!” She responded, “I have a task for you, Chad,” She said.
“Anything.”
“Dispose of him.” She said.
“As you wish,” he looked down to Dex and then turned back to Dasha. He popped the pill in his mouth.
“Milady?” He said.
“What, Chad?” She answered irritably.
“What was that you were saying about the friend zone…and furries?”
She stopped, realizing her mistake.
Deep within the veins of Chad’s nightbeard body, the red pill began to dissolve. It coursed through his arteries, pumped through his limbs with every beat of his heart. Having been forced to swallow the truth, he then swallowed the red pill, and a rage of jealousy swept through him from head to toe.
“Jiggles…” He said. “You’ve been…with Jiggles?”
The Dakimakura still did not move. “Chad,” she spoke.
“Save it.” He cut her off. “You’re just another friendzoning slut.”
With an unearthly shriek, she spun around throwing a sidekick right into Chad’s chest. He slid to the ground, his sword skidding behind some crates.
“So you’ll betray me too, Chadwick?” She began, “Just like your worthless friend?”
She scoffed. “Fool! You’re weak!” and she turned around to walk to the cockpit.
Chad opened his eyes to see that inches from his head lay Dex’s sword. Within moments he was upon her. With a girlish shriek, he charged the Dakimakura and grabbed her hair from behind, yanking it back to expose the fair skin of her throat.
He brought the blade of his katana tight against the pale flesh.
A crimson line slowly appeared where the blade touched skin. “Chad, please.” Her voice had now fully returned to that of an innocent teenager. “Please. I…I really LIKE you.”
For a moment, Chad paused, feeling pity for the girl wanting to protect her and treat her like the queen that she was….but the Red Pill had already been coursing through his veins, and its truth spoke louder than her lies.
“Sorry, Dasha,” he began apologetically, “But I only see you as a friend. Now it’s time for you to die like one!” And he pulled his sword hard against her neck, jerking the blade back and forth until the head slumped forward under its own weight and rolled to the back of the plane.
As the jet picked up speed and the wheels could be felt lifting from the ground, Chad made his way to the cockpit—prepared to pay back Jiggles for his dual betrayal.
Throwing all the force he could muster, the cockpit door swung open and Chad barged in, his sword at the ready.
“My God!” He yelled as he stared at the empty pilot’s seats, “It’s a trap!”
The seats were not empty, but in place of a pilot, it was occupied by a package made up of white, rectangular cubes labeled with the single alphanumeric code of “C4.” A timer on the package counted down from “00:59” in red, electric letters. A giant blue plush bunny head stared at him from the floor, lifeless and hollow.
“DEX!” Chad called back to the cargo hold, racing towards his friend. “We’ve got to go NOW!”
Pulling Dex’s arm around his shoulder, they hobbled to the rear end of the plane. Chad pulled the lever on the side—forcing the cargo ramp to drop. They stood on the edge, looking down to a 20ft drop as the world sped by underneath.
He hesitated for a moment, but they didn’t have the chance to jump. A blast of heat from behind scorched Chad’s back as the explosion knocked them off the edge, tumbling to the ground below.