This morning I got the best news I have received since this nightmare began. The swelling on Melissa's brain is completely gone. The doctors keep telling me that we're in the home stretch. All her scans look great, her vitals are getting stronger and stronger daily, and her other injuries are healing well. Now we're just waiting for her to wake up.
I miss her more than I ever thought was possible. I've only left her side to go see the girls. It's like having my chest split open each and every time I have to leave Melissa to go to the girls, and it's just as bad when I leave the girls to come back to Melissa. She wouldn't want them up there alone, and as much as I want to stand by her bedside and guard her sleeping body, I know where I'm needed the most right now.
My girls need me, but I know they need their mother more.
Lillian is such a champ; she definitely takes after Melissa with her fighter's spirit. She's been the one I know, in my gut, I don't have to be concerned about. Even in this short time, I can see little differences in her. She doesn't look as tiny and breakable as she first did. Don't get me wrong though. She's still so little I'm afraid to breathe around her, but she's a born fighter.
Lyndsie, on the other hand, worries me. I can feel her pain, her struggles, and I crave the ability to take them from her, to heal her. Like her sister, her lungs aren't developed. A few days after she was born, she had to be placed on a CPAP machine because one of her little lungs collapsed. I didn't sleep one wink that night. She's been able to come off of it now, but that still doesn't stop my fears of something else going wrong. Luckily, she seems to be turning a corner. Our most recent struggle is her reflux and her inability to gain weight. This morning I had more good news from the doctors when they said that Lyndsie hadn't had any episodes, and kept all her feedings down.
Thank Christ.
I do what I can. I stay strong when all I want to do is break down. I visit all three of my girls. I hold Melissa's hand while I sing and talk to her. I reach through the girls' incubators and run my finger across their silky skin, avoiding all the wires, singing softly to them and telling them how much we love them.
"Hey."
I look up from where I was staring at my feet, and meet Maddox's hard but sad eyes. He's never been one to show his emotions, but he would have to be completely heartless to be unaffected by this whole situation.
"Hey," I breathe.
"How are you feeling? And don't give me any shit, Greg. There isn't any way in hell that you're this calm on the inside." He props up against the wall next to Melissa's door and just waits.
I could ignore him like I've ignored everyone else but Cohen.
"I'm falling apart, brother. I've had to keep my shit locked so tight I feel like someone locked me in a cage and threw away the key. Part of me wants to let loose, uncage the beast I can feel pacing inside me. I want to run through the halls, demanding answers and quick fixes. Goddamn, I just want my girls better and all of this to just be one big nightmare."
He doesn't say much for the longest time. He just presses his lips into a thin line. If it weren't for the rapid drumming of the veins in his neck, I would think he's the picture of calm and collected. But I know better. I know how much it costs him to just be inside a hospital.
"You remember how it was after I got hurt? You can't rush these things, Greg. And as much as I wish you could... Well, she'll wake up when her body is ready. Doctors are telling you her brain is ready, scans are showing she's ready, but mentally she's locking herself up tight until she is ready. I don't talk about what it was like for me all those months in the hospital after the attack. You know because you were on my team, but the only reason I pulled through was because I thought I had a reason to wake up. Keep talking to her and remind her why she needs to come back."
I haven't heard Maddox speak about the bombing that essentially ended his military career for years. Hell, it's probably been close to ten now, but damn if it doesn't give me a spark of hope.
"You know, I don't know how you always know the right shit to say, but thank you. I've been struggling, Mad. Struggling so hard I don't even know how to get past this bump in the road. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Even Cohen. God, Maddox...he's been so brave, and I can't even offer him any kind of promise that his mother and sisters will be okay. How the hell am I going to get past this shit?"
"That's the easy part. Hike your goddamn big boy panties up and you be the hero that little boy knows you are."
"Daddy?"
I jump slightly when I hear Cohen's voice, my brows creasing in concern when I hear his tone, but the second I see his eyes shining with hope, I push myself off the wall and drop down onto my knees in front of him.
"Hey, C-Man. Are you okay?"
"Daddy," he whispered so softly that I almost didn't hear him.
"Cohen?" I question, starting to panic slightly.
"Daddy!" Tears begin to pile in his lids, causing my heart to beat at a pace so rapid I fear it might pop right out of my chest.
I feel Maddox move past me into Melissa's room but keep my eyes focused on Cohen.
"It happened," His body starts shaking with his gasping breath, and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into my arms.
"Cohen, please talk to me. I don't--" I don't get to finish my thought because I am interrupted when Maddox rushes back into the hallway. One look at his face and I know something has happened.
I scoop Cohen up in my arms and rush past a stunned Maddox, my feet almost too heavy to pick up, but when I get to into the room, I stop dead in my tracks.
My chest burns; it burns so badly. I don't even attempt to stop the tears that are rapidly falling down my face. I don't even notice Cohen squirming to get down until Maddox pulls him out of my hold. It isn't until I feel his weight leave my body that I drop to the floor with a howl of relief so loud I swear the windows shake.
I quickly pick myself off the floor and keep my eyes locked on the hospital bed my wife is lying on still. When I see Melissa's beautiful blue eyes staring sleepily back at me, I rush to her side, pressing kisses all over her forehead and sobbing like a baby.
The next thirty minutes are a rush of activity. Doctors and nurses run in and out of the room. Her vitals are checked and rechecked. They move cords, unhook machines, and give her more medication. The whole time, her eyes never leave mine. I can see the worry, fear, and confusion all rolling around behind her eyes. I want to hurry to her side, but I keep my feet rooted to the floor where the doctor demanded I stand.
I nod my head when they explain to me what is going on, I grunted when answers are demanded, and the whole time I keep her gaze. I never leave her line of sight; it is just the two of us in a room full of chaos.
"Greg," she whispers, her voice low, gravely, and unused.
I can tell it caused her pain to even talk, so I move quickly to her side, grabbing her hand and dropping my head against the bed next to her hip.
"I'm here, Beauty. God, I'm here. I love you. I love you so damn much. Thank you for coming back to us." My body is shaking with the force of my emotion. I can feel her fingertips lightly moving against my cheek. Even though her body is drained of energy, she's still trying to fight through the darkness to comfort me.
There is no way in hell I deserve this woman.
"Babies," she rasps again. "My... bab--"
"Shh, now. The girls... God, the girls are perfect. Just like I knew they would be. They look just like you, Beauty. Just like you. Perfectly perfect."
Tears leak from the corners of her eyes, sliding silently down her face. She smiles weakly before she closes her eyes and her breathing deepens.
I frantically look around before my eyes settle on a young nurse standing at the foot of her bed. Her eyes are wet, and she's holding her hand against her chest like she's in pain.
"Please! Help her! She can't... Why isn't she awake?! Help, please!" My panic is starting to consume me, and the little burst of joy that just flooded my system is dying.
"Daddy,
Mommy is just taking a nap now. Doctor said so. He said Mommy would be tired and her body needed more sleep. That's silly though because Mommy's been asleep for a million days!"
"She's okay, brother. It's time to release that breath you've been holding for a million days."
I laugh when Maddox stops talking. I laugh for the first time in weeks. It sounds rusty, and I'm sure I look like a complete fool. But I laugh. I keep laughing as Cohen climbs into my lap and laughs with me.
And then I take that breath that I've been holding since this all started.
I take that breath, pull my son close, and let the floodgates fly open. Every ounce of fear I've had consuming my body comes rushing to the surface so that the joy I'm feeling has room to take its place.
Chapter 14 - Cohen
Mommy is awake now.
I've been really scared, but I've been a big boy and didn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to know.
But I used my magic and sang Mommy her song and it worked.
It worked!
Now it's time to use my magic on my girls.
I just know it's going to work too, because my girls know. They know that I'm their big brother and I'll never ever ever let anything hurt them.
"Daddy. I need to see my girls now. It's time."
Daddy looks at me with a really funny face. I've never seen him do that face before, but it's really funny. It's the face that Uncle Axel always makes when Dilbert is running around in those really tall shoes that Aunt Dee wears. They look like they hurt really bad, but Dilbert is always running around like a funny man. Uncle Axel makes that face, kinda like he swallowed a fly and he doesn't know how to get it out.
"Daddy. We need to go now."
He looks at Mommy again and then up at Maddox Locke before he looks back at me. "Right now, C-Man?"
"Yes, Daddy. Right this minute."
"All right then. Let's go see if we can get them to open the curtain for you."
I don't like the sounds of that. I don't want to look into the curtain anymore. I want to touch my sisters so they can feel my magic, but I guess I can figure out another way.
I jump down from Daddy's lap and hold my hand out for him. He shakes his head, and I smile when he holds my hand, stands, and gets ready to leave.
"You'll find me if she wakes up before we get back?" he asks Maddox Locke.
"Yeah."
I turn back and look at Maddox Locke; he smiles big and winks at me. I smile back, really big, because Maddox Locke doesn't smile a lot, but when he does, it's really cool.
"Cohen, what are we doing?"
I finish untying my cape from around my neck. It's not the same as my old one, but I know it has my magic on it because I haven't taken it off once since Maddox Locke tied it around my shoulders.
"I'm going to fix my sisters."
I know Daddy doesn't understand, but I just smile and hand him my cape.
"Uh, okay?" He looks down at me. His face is funny again. And then he looks at my cape in his really big hand. "What do you want me to do with this, buddy?"
"My girls need it. But you have to tell them that it's from their big brother. They have to know that it's from me or the magic won't work."
"Cohen, son... I need you to clear it up for me because I'm a little confused."
"Daddy, you have to stay with me here." He laughs, but I keep going. This is important. "You need to take my magic in there. My girls are in their box and they need my magic!"
Why doesn't he understand? If I could go in there and do it myself, I would, but they won't let me in there. They say I have to stay out here because I might have germs.
"All right, Cohen... Let me see what I can do." He waves over the nice nurse lady who always smiles at me. I can't hear what they say when she steps out of the room my girls are in, but I really don't like her funny face.
I want to yell when Daddy hands her my cape, but I keep quiet and watch her walk back into the room. I can see my girls sleeping in the same box. I hate them in that glass box.
He picks me up and holds me high so that I can see in the room a little better. I keep watching as the nurse weaves through the stuff in her way until she reaches my girls.
The nurse looks over and smiles at us again. I hold my breath when she takes my cape and lays it across my girls' glass box. She smiles again, waves, and gives me a thumbs up.
I look over at Daddy. His face looks funny again, but this time his eyes are wet. That's okay; I won't tell anyone that he cried. I smile again because this time I know that everything is going to be just perfect.
Chapter 15 - Melissa
Soft singing pulls me from my dreams--that beautiful, deep baritone I've heard in my dreams for what seems like ages. The feeling of love drips from each word, instantly warming my soul and easing my mind.
It takes me a few minutes to understand where I am and why I hear my husband singing to me about going to the ends of the earth, and it makes me feel his love. Why my eyelids feel as if they weigh a hundred pound each, my body is sluggish to my commands, and almost every inch of my body hums with pain.
I briefly remember opening my eyes earlier and seeing Greg in a hospital room. It's hazy, but I remember him, Cohen, and Maddox standing right inside the doorway...and then nothing else.
In those minutes, I noticed one thing with stark clarity. I didn't feel my babies. The pressure and dull pain I had become accustom to over the course of my pregnancy, the rolling of their bodies, the jabs and kicks--all of it was gone. I can feel my panic starting to peak, knowing that there is something gravely wrong if my babies aren't here.
Oh, God!
In little flashes, like a projector playing slides of my last moments of consciousness, I remember.
Cohen being Cohen, making me laugh with his innocence and wonky train of thought. Looking up in the mirror to meet his smiling eyes. Driving through the green light and that terrible sound of horns and colliding metal. Screams from my boy and his sobbing voice telling me he loves me.
Then it all fades to black.
Cohen! My sweet boy! Where is my sweet boy?
Oh, God... My girls. It's too early for them to be out. They still need time!
My ribs burn when my panic starts to escalate. I hear beeping speed up, and those words that were singing earlier stop abruptly.
Then I feel him.
His hands hold my head between them, his warm breath fanning across my face when he speaks, calming me instantly.
"Beauty, my sweet Beauty, calm yourself. Everything is going to be fine. Everything and everyone... You're all safe, my love." His lips press against mine for a second before he's gone.
I try to open my eyes, but they burn. I try to speak, but my throat feels like I've been eating dirt and glass. I try to move my arm, but it drops worthlessly.
"Shh. Let the nurse look at you, and I'll be right here," I hear Greg say from far away, his voice reassuring but thick with emotion.
I slow my breathing and try to calm down my body. He said that everyone is fine. He wouldn't have said that if something had happened to our children.
But where are they?
Movement continues around me. My body is poked and moved around. I painfully answer all of her questions and try to remain calm until I feel my husband's hands on my skin again.
I need him.
I need his touch.
And I need his love.
It feels like an eternity, but it's probably only ten minutes before I am given some small sips of water and moved to a more comfortable position. My vision is still blurry, but I can see him. The second I see his face, that perfectly handsome face I love so much, I feel a sob bubble out. It hurts--oh it hurts more than I could have fathomed. Not just my screaming ribs, but low on my abdomen, the muscles feel unused and pulled tight.
I see his smile, and even with the tears running silently down his face, that smile never dims. I can tell that he hasn't slept--his eyes look tired, rimmed red, and swollen. His clothing is wr
inkled and stained. He looks...terrible, and it's the most incredible sight I've ever seen.
"You look like crap," I rasp, smiling up at him as he walks over to the side of my bed.
He laughs, although it comes out more like a sob. "You don't say?"
"Doesn't your wife iron your clothes?" I joke weakly.
His tears stop, and the fear leaves his eyes.
"No, she likes me better naked."
The nurse I wasn't aware was still in the room snickers from where she's standing while she enters data into the computer connected to the wall.
"Lucky woman, that wife of yours," I whisper, my voice still gravelly in a painful way, but I feel my smile grow when he dips and moves his face closer to mine.
"I think I'm lucky one, my beautiful wife." His lips close the distance again, pressing against mine and peppering loving kisses against my lips and face.
He doesn't make a move to deepen the kiss. He just keeps raining his love across my face.
When he pulls away, he wipes my tears away with his thumbs. I try to move my hand again, but I break eye contact when I feel the solid weight surrounding it. I see the cast just seconds before I notice my very obvious empty belly.
And I'm right back to where I was minutes before.
"Oh, God! Greg... Cohen and the babies!" My panic rises again.
"Hey... Melissa, calm down. Please. You don't need to be working yourself up so soon. They're okay. I promise you. Cohen is with Axel and Izzy. He'll be back as soon as visiting hours start in the morning. It got too late for him to stay, so they took him home to get some sleep. The girls, both of them... They're okay and close by in the NICU."
It takes a few seconds for his words to bleed into my panic-fog, but when they do, I fall back against the mattress and pillow and sob.
The tears fall rapidly. I gasp for breath, causing sharp pains to shoot from my ribs and abdomen. And through it all, Greg continues to whisper his love and reassurance.
My children are alive.