She said, “Some of the planes had markings painted on the nose. Emblems, unit insignia, some with figures, an animal mascot snarling and dripping juices from the mouth and jowls. Wonderful, actually, cartoons. Nose art, they call it. And some with women. Because it’s all about luck, isn’t it? The sexy woman painted on the nose is a charm against death. We may want to place this whole business in some bottom pit of nostalgia but in fact the men who flew these planes, and we are talking about high alert and distant early warning, we are talking about the edge of everything—well, I think they lived in a closed world with its particular omens and symbols and they were young and horny to boot. And one day I came across one of the oldest planes in the ranks, very weathered, with a nice piece of nose art that was faded and patchy and showed a young woman in a flouncy skirt and narrow halter and she was very tall, very blond, she had amazing legs and her hands were on her hips very sort of aspiring-pinup—you knew she didn’t have quite the skill to bring it off—and her name was lettered under the painting and it was Long Tall Sally. And I thought, I like this girl because she is not amazonian or angelic or terrifically idealized. And I thought about her some more and this is what I thought. I thought even if she has to be painted over, and maybe she will be and maybe she won’t, I thought we will definitely have to salvage her name. I thought we will title our work after this young woman, after the men who fixed her image to the aircraft, after the song that inspired them to do it. Which I recall only vaguely, the song. But there was a song and I thought there is probably a real and original Sally somewhere in the mix. She inspired the songwriter or the nose painter or the crew that flew the plane. Maybe she was a waitress in an airman’s bar. Or somebody’s hometown girl. Or somebody’s first love. But this is an individual life. And I want this life to be part of our project. This luck, this sign against death. Whoever she is or was, a waitress bedraggled you know, hustling a ketchup bottle across the room, and never mind the bomb, I want to keep our intentions small and human despite the enormous work we’ve done and the huge work we have ahead of us and I’m sitting here with a propped foot and talking endlessly about my work when I’m completely aware of Matisse and what he said, that painters must begin by cutting out their tongues.”
I could see her on television in France, dotted down to reconverted waves. I could hear her voice distanced behind a monotone translation. People watching in every part of the country, their heads clustered in the dark. I could see her flat-screen face buzzing at the edges, her eyes like lived-out moons, half a million Klaras floating in the night.
She said, “Not long ago I saw an old photograph, a picture taken in the midsixties, and there is a woman at the edge of the picture. The picture is crowded with people and they are in the doorway, it looks like the entranceway to a grand ballroom, and they are all wearing black and white, men and women both, and they are wearing masks as well, and I looked at the picture and I realized this was the famous party, the famous event of the era, Truman Capote’s Black & White Ball at the Plaza Hotel in New York in the dark days of Vietnam, and I was completely sort of out-of-body looking at this scene because it took me maybe half a minute to understand that the woman at the edge of the frame was me. Absolutely. And I’m standing next to a man who is either Truman Capote or J. Edgar Hoover, one or the other because they had heads that were shaped alike, and the mask and the angle and the shadows make it hard to tell which one it is, and I am wearing a long black sheathy dress that I simply can’t believe I ever wore although there I am, it’s me, and a little white feline mask. And I thought, What is it about this picture that makes it so hard for me to remember myself? I thought, I don’t know who that person is. Why is she there exactly. What is she thinking about? What sort of underwear is she wearing under the stupid dress and I can swear to you that I don’t know. Surrounded by famous people and powerful people, men in the administration who were running the war, and I want to paint it over, paint the photograph orange and blue and burgundy and paint the tuxedos and long dresses and paint the grand ballroom of the Plaza Hotel and maybe this is what I’m doing, I don’t know, it’s a work in perpetual progress. And let’s not forget pleasure. The senses, the pleasures, the body juices. But strata blue yes. But yellow and green and geranium red. Maine geraniums that thrive on cool damp air. But magenta yes. But orange and cobalt and chartreuse.”
And someone in the small crowd called out, “Better red than dead.”
And we all laughed. The remark had a resonance that seemed to travel on our voices, caroming off the facing walls of the space we shared. We stood and listened to our own laughter. And we all agreed together that the evening was done.
I was walking to my car when I saw the New York taxi. Someone was getting in and when the light came on I saw it was the same young woman who’d been driving.
“Hey thanks,” I said. “Back there.”
“You’re the Lexus.”
“Lost and wandering. Good thing you came along.”
“We were saying I bet he thinks this is the Texas Highway Killer getting ready to claim another victim.”
“I knew you weren’t the Texas Highway Killer because this isn’t Texas.”
“Plus I doubt if he drives a yellow cab.”
“That’s the other reason.”
“Here to help out?” she said.
“Wish I could. But I’m due back at the office tower in the great capital city.”
“Could be your last chance to make art history.”
“Or whatever it is you’re doing here.”
“Or whatever it is we’re doing here.”
She sat in the driver’s seat with the door open, broad-bodied, not quite the levitated sylph she’d appeared to be in the bucking dust of that earlier moment.
“This your car?”
“I volunteered it more or less,” she said, “so I guess I’m stuck with a taxi, which is slightly inconvenient. But to see the look on Klara’s face I’d have to say yeah it was worth it.”
Broad and open like a summer waitress who says There you go when she deposits the food in front of you.
“Been here long?”
“Going on seven weeks and I’m sticking it out if it takes forever, which it actually could.”
“Not homesick?”
“Now and then. But this is a one-chance thing. You been out there yet?”
“In the morning,” I said.
“Go early. The heat is mean.”
“I know about heat. I like heat.”
“Where you from?”
I didn’t tell her I lived a quiet life in an unassuming house and so forth. Instead I told her where I was spending the night and I let her tell me how to get there although I already knew.
I let her tell me about her hometown.
I asked her about the work she did at the site and she said she applied a metal primer and sometimes she hand-scraped paint and sometimes she sanded with a machine.
She sat high in the seat, reciting details, and wagged her head, mock-girlish but also girlish.
I asked her about school and she said she’d dropped out several years earlier but was thinking of going back to get a degree in retailing and I let her tell me about it.
We talked about her brother, who had a rare blood disease.
I let her tell me about a white-water trip she took one summer when she was seventeen.
She said deteriated for deteriorated. When she said okay it sounded like okai.
She sat on a beaded cushion. Her hair was cut short, bulking out her face. I saw that the taxi’s details and fittings, up close, and the paint job itself, had more amateurish charm than accuracy. But then it’s not easy to get New York right.
“But here’s the joke that’s going round,” she said. “Except no one seems sure it’s a joke. We’re painting these old planes as a celebration in a way but how do we know for sure the crisis is really over? Is the breakup of the USSR really happening? Or is the whole thing a plot to trick the West?”
>
She sounded out a laugh from her sinuses. It was oral and it was nasal and it came out harsh and moist, a curious noise designed to ridicule the idea while conceding its dark appeal.
“They’re making it seem like they’re falling apart so we’ll lower our guard, okai?”
I let her tell me about it.
She made the noise again. A long wet whinnying letter k. And I found the more she talked, the more she owed me. But I didn’t say a word. It was in my heart to speak, to make a breach in her self-absorption, in the solid stuff of her hometown and dying brother. I wanted to reduce these things to rubble. It was just a passing mood, a thing that erupts out of the formed core of one’s middle-minded resolve.
I let her talk. And the more I listened and the more unappealing she became, the more I wanted to get inside her pants, for reasons no one comprehends under heaven.
But I didn’t say word one. It was in my heart to talk her into spending the night in my room, or half the night, or an hour and ten minutes. I didn’t know why I wanted her but I knew why I didn’t want her. It would have been disloyal to Klara, to our shared memory, our own brief time in that small room back there in the narrow streets that were the borders of the world.
“Well, getting late,” I said.
“Hey, big day tomorrow.”
“Best,” I said, “be on my way.”
She told me again how to get there and then drove off. All the other vehicles had left the area and I went looking for my car in the dark.
It is interesting to think of the great blaze of heaven that we winnow down to animal shapes and kitchen tools.
I watched TV in my motel.
I lived responsibly in the real. I didn’t accept this business of life as a fiction, or whatever Klara Sax had meant when she said that things had become unreal. History was not a matter of missing minutes on the tape. I did not stand helpless before it. I hewed to the texture of collected knowledge, took faith from the solid and availing stuff of our experience. Even if we believe that history is a workwheel powered by human blood—read the speeches of Mussolini—at least we’ve known the thing together. A single narrative sweep, not ten thousand wisps of disinformation.
A man sat in a contour chair in a living-room set with a coffee table in front of him and books or the covers of books arrayed on the wall behind.
I believed we could know what was happening to us. We were not excluded from our own lives. That is not my head on someone else’s body in the photograph that’s introduced as evidence. I didn’t believe that nations play-act on a grand scale. I lived in the real. The only ghosts I let in were local ones, the smoky traces of people I knew and the dinge of my own somber shadow, New York ghosts in every case, the old loud Bronx, hand-to-mouth, spoken through broken teeth—the jeer, the raspberry fart.
The man in the chair said, “Down’s syndrome. Your toll-free number is one, eight hundred, five one five, two seven six eight. Korsakoff’s psychosis. One, eight hundred, three one three, seven five eight one. Alzheimer’s disease. Call toll-free. One, eight hundred, eight one three, three five two seven.” He said, “Kaposi’s sarcoma. Twenty-four hours a day. One, eight hundred, six seven two, nine one six one.”
• • •
I drove out to the site at sunrise. I parked near an equipment shed and began to climb a small rise that would place me at a natural vantage in relation to the aircraft. I heard them before I saw them, an uneasy creaking, wind gusts spinning the movable parts. Then I reached the top of the sandstone ledge and there they were in broad formation across the bleached bottom of the world.
I didn’t know there would be so many planes. I was astonished at the number of planes. They were arranged in eight staggered ranks with a few stray planes askew at the fringes. I counted every last plane as the sun came up. There were two hundred and thirty planes, swept-winged, finned like bottom creatures, some painted in part, some nearly completed, many not yet touched by the paint machines, and these last were gunship gray or wearing faded camouflage or sanded down to bare metal.
The painted aircraft took on sunlight and pulse. Sweeps of color, bands and spatters, airy washes, the force of saturated light—the whole thing oddly personal, a sense of one painter’s hand moved by impulse and afterthought as much as by epic design. I hadn’t expected to register such pleasure and sensation. The air was color-scrubbed, coppers and ochers burning off the metal skin of the aircraft to exchange with the framing desert. But these colors did not simply draw down power from the sky or lift it from the landforms around us. They pushed and pulled. They were in conflict with each other, to be read emotionally, skin pigments and industrial grays and a rampant red appearing repeatedly through the piece—the red of something released, a burst sac, all blood-pus thickness and runny underyellow. And the other planes, decolored, still wearing spooky fabric over the windscreen panels and engines, dead-souled, waiting to be primed.
Sometimes I see something so moving I know I’m not supposed to linger. See it and leave. If you stay too long, you wear out the wordless shock. Love it and trust it and leave.
She wanted us to see a single mass, not a collection of objects. She wanted our interest to be evenly spaced. She insisted that our eyes go slowly over the piece. She invited us to see the land dimension, horizonwide, in which the work was set.
I listened to the turboblades rattle in the wind and felt the sirocco heat come blowing in and my eyes did in fact go slowly over the ranks and I felt a kind of wildness all around me, the grim vigor of weather and desert and those old weapons so forcefully rethought, the fittingness of what she’d done, but when I’d seen it all I knew I wouldn’t stay an extra second.
Three vehicles moved toward the site, the day’s first sturdy workers. I went down to my car and uncapped the tube of sunblock I’d spotted on a rack near the front desk in the mom-and-pop motel, next to the postcards and Indian dolls—the kachina dolls and snack packs of tortilla chips that are part of some curious neuron web of lonely-chrome America. I stood by the car and rubbed the lotion over my arms and face, pausing to read the label again. I’d been reading the label all morning. The label said the protection factor was thirty, not fifteen. I knew this subject well. I’d read up on this subject, seen the research studies, I’d compared the products and the claims. And I knew with total certainty that a protection factor of fifteen was the highest level of sunblock scientifically possible. Now they were selling me a thirty.
And it made me think of something strange. I got in the car and headed out toward the interstate. It made me think of the Teller story. The Teller story was about Dr. Edward Teller and the world’s first atomic explosion, which occurred about two hundred miles northeast of my present position. And the story said how Dr. Teller feared the immediate effects of the blast at his viewing site twenty miles from zero point and how he decided it might be helpful to apply suntan lotion to his face and hands.
These thoughts, these flashes of light, that innocent winsome gesture, this Japanese car—all more or less appropriate to the landscape.
I hit the switch, lowering the windows, and saw mountains reared near Mexico, lyrical in themselves and beautifully named, whatever their names, because you can’t name a mountain badly, and I looked for a sign that would point me home.
2
* * *
My mother was living with us at the time. We finally got my mother to come out from the East and we set her up in a cool room at the back of the house.
My wife was good with her. They knew how to talk to each other. They found things to talk about. They talked about the things I did not talk about with Marian, the things I shrugged off when Marian asked, early girlfriends maybe or how I got along with my brother. The small shrewd things Marian used to ask me. I broke my arm when I was eight, falling out of a tree. This is what they talked about.
From the shimmering bronze tower where I worked I used to gaze at the umber hills and ridges that defined the northeast view. Maybe it was a hundred and e
ight degrees out on the street. Maybe it was a hundred and ten, a hundred and twelve, and I looked out past the miscellaneous miles of squat box structures where you took your hearing aid to be fixed or shopped for pool supplies, the self-replicating stretch I traveled every day, and I told myself how much I liked this place with its downtown hush and its office towers separated by open space and its parks with jogging trails and its fairy ring of hills and its residential streets of oleanders and palms and tree trunks limed white—white against the sun.
We brought her out from the East. We took her out of the daily drama of violence and lament and tabloid atrocity and matching redemption and how the city is hard and how the city is mean and how the city is nice to a tourist from Missouri who leaves her handbag in a cab and we fixed her up in a cool room where she watched TV.
Marian wanted me to tell her about the old streets, the street games, the street fights, the alley sex, the petty theft. I told her about the car, not so petty, but she wanted to hear more. She wanted to hear about the execution now and then of some wayward member of whatever organized group she imagined might be operating thereabouts, the projectile entering the back of the head and making a pathway to the brain. She thought my mother’s arrival might yield the basic savor she could not get from laconic Nick. But my mother only talked about the lazy grades I got in school and how I fell out of a tree when I was eight.
And I liked the way history did not run loose here. They segregated visible history. They caged it, funded and bronzed it, they enshrined it carefully in museums and plazas and memorial parks. The rest was geography, all space and light and shadow and unspeakable hanging heat.
I drank soy milk and ran the metric mile. I had a thing I clipped to the waistband of my running trunks, a device that weighed only three and a half ounces and had a readout showing distance traveled and calories burned and length of stride. I carried my house keys in an ankle wallet that fastened with a velcro closure. I didn’t like to run with house keys jiggling in my pocket. The ankle wallet answered a need. It spoke directly to a personal concern. It made me feel there were people out there in the world of product development and merchandising and gift cataloguing who understood the nature of my little nagging needs.