Alexis was so lost in thought that she nearly ran into Bran. She startled backward, her hands flying up in front of her face.
“Whoa, there.” He put his hands up. “It’s just me.”
Her panic left as fast as it had come. “Oh. I thought you’d left.” She’d given him back his blanket earlier. Now she was surprised at how glad she was to see him.
“I just wanted to make sure you had a way to get home again.”
“I’m fine. I’ll take the bus.”
His brow wrinkled. “Can’t your parents come get you?”
“No. It’s just my mom. And she can’t. She’s busy tonight.” Which was an understatement.
“Won’t it take you a long time to get home?”
Alexis shrugged. It would.
“And unless you live near here, you’re going to have to transfer downtown, which means you’ll be waiting at the bus mall at night. That’s not a great place to be after dark.”
Unable to think of an answer, she said nothing.
He hesitated. “I’m not supposed to do this. But I’m not letting you take the bus. I’ll take you home instead.”
“I’m good. Don’t worry about me.”
He smiled, a crooked grin that slipped right past Alexis’s defenses. “But worrying about you is my job.”
After a long moment, she nodded. And told herself it was all about not having to take the bus. Not about Bran. She would just make sure he let her out several blocks away from where she really lived.
They walked over to his Honda. Before she could sit down, Bran had to scoop fast food wrappers off the passenger seat and dump them in the back.
“Excuse the mess,” he said. “I’ve been kind of busy lately.”
“Don’t worry.” She plopped into the seat, exhaustion settling over her like a heavy quilt.
When Bran turned his key in the ignition, music blasted out of the speakers. Wincing, he fumbled with the buttons, and the sound abruptly cut out.
“Sorry.”
“That’s okay. I like Flea Market Parade too.”
Alexis gave him an intersection close to her address and added some basic directions, but that filled up only a minute or two. It seemed smarter to ask questions than to answer them. “So why do you volunteer with that group?”
“People do it for a bunch of different reasons. Probably for some of the same reasons you guys volunteer for SAR. Maybe they’re interested in law enforcement. Maybe they want to be therapists. Maybe they went through something bad and want to give back.”
She noticed he was speaking in generalities. “What about you?”
“Maybe a little bit of all those things.” Bran shrugged, his expression opaque. “So anyway, you should know that it’s probably going to be a roller coaster for the next few days. You might feel guilty or sad or afraid or maybe all of those things. You might have nightmares or trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. But don’t worry, you’re not going crazy.”
Bran must have caught some flicker on her face, because he stopped his recitation of things he deemed unremarkable.
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m fine. Keep talking.”
“The bottom line is that whatever you feel is normal.”
Alexis suddenly felt the urge to be honest. “But right now I’m not feeling anything.”
“That’s normal, too.” He shot her a smile. “You might find yourself wanting to learn more about what happened back there, and again, that’s normal. But try not to spend too much time chasing down reports. The media can be sensationalistic, and sometimes what they report isn’t true at all.”
“Okay.” His voice was soothing. Every time she blinked, it was harder to open her eyes.
“There are some things you can do to take care of yourself. If you have a favorite band, maybe even Flea Market Parade”—she forced her eyes open and saw him grin at her—“listen to it. If there’s any kind of exercise you like, like running or basketball, then spend some time doing that. If you like to draw or paint, do that. I’m not saying paint the dead girl. I’m saying just find a different way to let your emotions out. You might try keeping a journal to record what you’re feeling.”
It was only because she was tired that Alexis let the next words slip. “Don’t worry. I think I’ll be okay. I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing.” He started to say something, but then she realized where they were. “Hey, this is my corner.” It was actually three blocks away. “Thanks.”
He pulled to the curb and turned off the car. “Let me walk you to your door.”
“No. That’s not necessary.” The words came out too strong. She took a deep breath and started over. “My mom will have a bunch of questions as it is. If she saw you, she’d want to know all about you. You know. Moms.” She tried to sound like she knew what she was talking about.
Before Bran could say anything more, Alexis had slipped out, opened the back door of his car, and yanked out her backpack. She took a quick look up and down the street, but didn’t see her mom. She didn’t see anyone.
He rolled down the passenger window and extended his hand, holding a white card. After a moment’s hesitation, she took it.
“That’s my cell number written on the back. You can call or text me anytime. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. After something like this, a lot of people end up feeling alone. I don’t want you to be one of them. So feel free to call or text. Even if it seems silly. Okay?”
Alexis nodded. She had no intention of doing any such thing. She did not need anyone getting closer to her.
CHAPTER 12
TUESDAY
OUTSIDE THE BOX
Ruby had an excruciating awareness of her own strangeness. No matter how hard she tried, she found it impossible to fit in. Being friends with Alexis had helped. For a while. At least, she thought they had been friends. Now she wasn’t sure what had happened, even though she had done her best to be a Supportive Best Friend, a role she had cobbled together from various movies and TV shows. Ruby had treated Alexis to snacks from the vending machine, nodded her head a lot when the other girl spoke, and asked questions to draw her out.
But now Alexis seemed to be avoiding Ruby. Just one in a long line of people who stayed well away from her. It made something inside of her ache, but she didn’t know what had gone wrong or what she should do about it.
Some people, teachers mostly, tried to tell Ruby that the way her mind worked was a plus. She had been praised more than once for her ability to “think outside the box.” What these boxes were, why they were there, why other people thought they were important, where their borders were, or how you would even know if you were outside them—Ruby had no idea.
And there were so many rules. Rules people didn’t even know they had.
Rules Ruby thought often didn’t make any sense.
Don’t stand too close.
Don’t stare.
Take turns.
Don’t assume everyone is interested in the same things you are, even if those things are fascinating.
Don’t talk about sex.
Don’t talk about surgery.
Don’t talk about anything that happens in the bathroom.
But the biggest taboo was death.
You weren’t supposed to talk about how everyone died. You were supposed to pretend that everyone was going to live forever and ever.
Even her parents were squeamish about the reality of death. And they were doctors! But they were dermatologists, and it had been years since they had had to dissect cadavers. Now they spent their days injecting Botox into rich ladies’ foreheads.
Death could come in so many forms. You might get hit by a car or struck by lightning. You might die in your sleep or choke on a Tootsie Pop or develop a tumor that ate you up from the inside. And, most fascinating of all, you might be murdered.
Which was another thing her parents didn’t like her to talk about.
And now Ruby had found a real murder victim. Had actually tou
ched her. She had sat inside a patrol car and talked to a homicide detective.
She had never felt more alive.
When she put her key in the front door, she found her parents in the living room, waiting up for her. Which, Ruby knew, meant something was wrong.
It took her a few minutes to realize what they thought was wrong was Ruby.
As soon as she stepped inside, her mom hurried over with open arms.
“Oh my gosh, are you all right, baby?”
Ruby froze in place to accept the affection. “I’m fine.”
Her mom pulled back but kept her hands on Ruby’s shoulders. “But they said you guys found a body.”
“It all turned out okay, Mom.” Although Ruby was still mad about the destroyed footprint. “The EMTs came, and the police, and of course we were with the sheriff’s deputy the whole time.” The “we” was truthful, if she was referring to all of SAR. Her parents didn’t need to know that Chris had been with Team Bravo the whole time. “You didn’t need to worry.” She took a half step back so that her mom’s hands fell away.
“How can I not worry?” Her mom threw a look at her dad, then turned back to Ruby. “You’re sixteen years old, and you are out there looking at a murder victim.”
Not just looking at her. Touching her. Ruby bit her tongue so she wouldn’t say any more.
Her dad finally spoke from where he sat on the love seat. He was still dressed in his running clothes. “We said yes to this because we thought you would be hiking in the woods. Not dealing with homicides.”
“And we were hiking in the woods,” Ruby said. “It was a complete coincidence that we found a body. We were looking for a missing autistic man, and instead someone in our group spotted this body. I could have been bird-watching and had the same thing happen.”
“We thought Search and Rescue would be a healthy outlet for your obsessions,” her dad said. His arms were crossed, both feet flat on the floor.
“Interests,” her mom corrected. She kept reaching out to pat Ruby, and it was all Ruby could do to let her. She was trying to read between the words her dad was saying, but it was hard.
“You like bird-watching, you like the outdoors.” Her dad shook his head. “Search and Rescue seemed like a great way for you to be active and to help others.”
Mom added, “Maybe make some friends.” From the mantelpiece, she took one of her owl figurines and began to stroke it.
“But I have made friends,” Ruby said, crossing her fingers behind her back. “Alexis and Nick. And Alexis and I do almost everything together in SAR.” She left out the part about their being forced to by the rules, since Ruby and Alexis were the only two uncertified girls.
Her dad pinched the bridge of his nose. “You said you would be looking for people who were lost. We didn’t realize that extended to dead people and even evidence of crimes.” It was true that Ruby had glossed over a few things when she brought home the permission slip for them to sign. “I’m sorry, Ruby, but we’re not going to allow you to go out on the search tomorrow.”
Ruby’s mouth fell open even as her hands balled into fists. “But it’s possible we could find something that would help catch the killer!”
“Watching true crime on TV is one thing, even though it still makes me uncomfortable. But I don’t want you exposed to stuff like that in real life.”
“I’m not a baby,” Ruby said. “You can’t hide the world from me. Stuff like murder really happens.”
He heaved a sigh. “So does war and torture, but that doesn’t mean you need your nose rubbed in it. Finding bodies, looking for evidence, that just reinforces your obsession with the darker side of life.”
“But someone has to help people,” Ruby said. “Even if it’s after they’re dead.” None of their arguments were logical.
“The person from the sheriff’s office said that tomorrow your team will be doing an evidence search where you found that”—Mom’s voice caught on the word—“body. You’ll miss school to spend eight hours on your hands and knees looking for—what? Drops of blood and cigarette butts and bits of garbage? We don’t want you to do anything like that. Especially when you’d miss school.” Her mom set the owl back in its place.
“I’ve got a 3.97 grade point average. It’s not like I’m failing.”
“I’m sorry, Ruby, but we’re not going to allow it.”
Everything seemed to go still. “What do you mean?”
Her dad looked at her and then away. “I mean it’s over.”
“You’re going to have to drop out of SAR,” her mom said. “We didn’t say anything to the sheriff’s office because we wanted to discuss it with you first.”
“Discuss?” How could her mom even say that with a straight face? “This isn’t a discussion. It’s an ultimatum.”
Her dad shook his head. “Call it whatever you want, but it’s our job to make sure you grow up to be a normal human being.”
“In case you guys haven’t noticed, I’m not normal!”
“Oh, honey,” her mom said, and tried to touch her again, but Ruby stepped back and her mom let her hand fall.
“It’s settled.” Her dad braced his hands on his knees and got to his feet. “You’ll go to school tomorrow, not the sheriff’s office. And you’ll contact SAR and tell them you’re going to have to withdraw from the group.” He started to go up the stairs, but turned after taking a few steps. “We’re only doing this because we love you.”
Anger made Ruby rigid, locked her rebuttal in her throat.
“I’m sorry, honey,” her mom said in a low voice, and followed him up.
Ruby waited several minutes before she went upstairs. Her parents were wrong to think that Search and Rescue was making her any weirder than she already was. If anything, it gave her a place where she finally fit.
But now it would be gone. And she would be back to being the kind of girl who edited Wikipedia for fun.
CHAPTER 13
TUESDAY
OPEN INTO DARKNESS
When Alexis put her key into the lock of the apartment, it was already unlocked. The door swung open into darkness. A shiver ran over her skin. “Mom?” Her voice came out as soft as a sigh.
Silence.
Was her mom asleep? Gone? With someone? Dead?
All of these things were possible.
Anything was possible. Alexis wanted to run. Instead she flipped on the light.
The room showed evidence of her mom’s newest obsession. She called them her scrapbooks, but they were more like crazy collages or maybe something there wasn’t a word for.
“Hello, my child!”
Alexis turned at the sound of her mother’s voice behind her.
Her mom made an elaborate sort of bow, her hands flying into the air like birds, as she crossed one leg in front of the other and gracefully curtsied, keeping her back as straight as a yardstick. She was wearing black pants, a cherry-red sweater buttoned up crookedly, and a new addition: a wine-red velvet shawl that Alexis thought might once have been a curtain. She was barefoot, the bottoms of her feet black with dirt.
Mom was up. Had been since she stopped taking her medication. Alexis wasn’t sure how long ago that had been. Two weeks? Three? Despite the light in her eyes, her cheeks were hollow, her eyes sunken.
“Mom. Where were you?”
“I was blessing people in the park.”
So it had turned into one of those days. Her mom hadn’t been home when Alexis stopped by to get her SAR backpack. The TV had been on, as well as the battered old radio, but at least then the door had been locked. When she was in the grip of one of her delusions, her mom gave little heed to what others thought was normal and necessary.
Take her “blessings.” Muttering prayers, her mom would approach anyone. Men walking dogs. Women running. A kid walking to school. A few souls—those too slow or too old or too polite to get away—would end up with her mom marking their foreheads with an invisible cross, using the back of her thick yellow thumbnail.
“Mom. I really wish you wouldn’t do that.” Why was Alexis even bothering? “You need to get back on your medication.”
“But then I can’t hear God’s voice. He has called me, and I must answer.” Her mother’s face was serene, but her eyes burned with the urgency of her mission.
“At least don’t go out alone at night. It’s not safe.” The last few weeks, Alexis had tried to emphasize survival. Life and death.
“God watches over me.”
“Can you at least please lock the door when you go out?” The grimy string that should have a key at the bottom was still around her mom’s slender neck. She and Alexis shared the same height, the same long hair, the same triangular-shaped face. Only her mom had twenty more years and twenty fewer pounds.
“Have you eaten anything?” Alexis asked, wondering what there was to eat. No answer. She moved into the kitchen. On the counter, there was still half a loaf of bread. “Let me make you some toast.” Her mother had followed her in, but she didn’t answer. “Come on, you’ve got to eat something,” she said as she slipped two slices into the toaster and pushed the lever. “Please. For me.”
“Of course, child. For my one and only Alexis.” She reached out and stroked her cheek with the back of her hand. “You are so beautiful.”
“Did you even notice I was late?” Alexis said as she went to the front door and locked it. “Did you wonder where I was?”
“God watches over you as well.” Her mom nodded as she spoke, agreeing with herself.
“Well, he wasn’t watching over this girl we found,” Alexis said, and suddenly her head felt liquid. She bit her lip, fighting the tears. The toast popped up. She opened the fridge, but there wasn’t any butter or margarine. There wasn’t much of anything. Alexis needed to go shopping. Taking one piece of toast, she handed the other to her mom.
“I got sent out with Search and Rescue to look for a guy lost in Forest Park. We didn’t find him, but we did find a girl. A dead girl. That’s what I was trying to tell you.” And suddenly the tears pushed their way through, stinging her nose, burning her eyes. Tears for the dead girl, for herself, for her mother who could someday be a body in the park, if she chose to bless the wrong person. “Somebody murdered her. They strangled her.”