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Apparently, Seth thought this was becoming a bad habit too.
“But it’s so nice,” I pouted, not wanting him to give this up.
“You like this?” he sounded surprised and sleepy- it was my new favorite sound.
“I do like this,” I confirmed. “I like you, Seth. ”
“I know you like me,” he turned me so that I was laying on my back looking up at him. He had one arm under my neck and one holding my waist across my stomach. He was looking down at me with full lips and slightly puffy eyes and I felt myself fall just a little bit more in love with him. And then he said, “I want you to more than like me. ”
“I want to, too,” I heard myself say.
His beautiful mouth broke out into an adorable grin and he nuzzled his nose along my jawline. “Don’t give up on me, Stella. You need to know that my feelings for you are running my life right now. I know you need time to come to terms with your feelings for me, but I did that the moment I met you. You’re everything to me. ”
His voice was rumbling and deep, rough gravel. I knew what he was saying was true because I saw it in his eyes, felt it in his touch, and heard it in the delicious sound of his voice. He was confessing all this to me and it felt like there was a purpose to it, but I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly.
“I won’t give up on you, Seth,” I promised. I reached up and held his jaw, loving the scruffy feeling of his morning growth in my hands. I let my nails scratch over the short hairs, worshipping the spiky feel on the pads of my fingers.
“Promise me, Stella,” he demanded firmly.
“I promise. ” My voice was only a whisper because it was weighed down with true emotion. There was something so intense in his eyes, something so infinite. He was asking me something simple, but it felt endlessly more complex. And there was this puzzle he was setting out for me, but I couldn’t piece it together. My thoughts were still foggy and slow this morning and the answer was just out of my reach.
“I also promise that I’m going to do this again, soon. And properly. ” He smiled down at me but I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. I scrunched my eyebrows at him and frowned, but he just shook his head at me. “You’re so beautiful, Stella. And if I do this right, we can do this,” he waved a finger back and forth between us, “for the rest of our lives. ”
His words set my heart thudding loudly in my chest. My stomach erupted in heated tingles and I could barely comprehend his words. The one thing I did know though was that for the first time, when Seth talked about our entwined future, it didn’t terrify me.
He leaned down and I sucked in a breath and held it, too afraid to move or do anything that would stop him from what he was about to do. My eyes fluttered closed instinctively, and I felt Seth’s lips brush across mine. Once, twice, and then he pressed his mouth against mine and held me there in a lingering kiss. He kept the kiss sweet and innocent, making me melt under the drugging sensation of his consuming affection.
Seth had been my first kiss. And while this was technically only my second, it felt so much more like an epiphany. Like instead of a kiss, this was a brand. Instead of an innocent gesture, he was claiming me for himself.
My feelings for Seth were real. And if I’d let them breathe every once in a while instead of burying them deep in the earth where they were likely to suffocate and die, I could feel just how happy this man would make me.
He pulled back and I regretted the space between us immediately. His eyes were warm, thick honey and his skin had a beautiful glow to it. He kissed my cheek and then said again, “You’re not going to give up on me. ”
“I’m not going to give up on you,” I echoed, meaning it fully.
His expression darkened immediately and he pushed up into sitting. He stared at me for what seemed like an eternity of something secret, something I wasn’t allowed to feel yet and then he said, “I hate to leave you. ”
“Then don’t,” I shrugged. “Play hooky with me and we’ll watch movies all day. My parents won’t care. And we already know how Jupiter feels about school. ”
“Rain check?” he asked instead of agreeing to my awesome plan.
“Fine,” I groaned. “But I’m way better than high school. ”
He chuckled and nodded his head, “That is very true. ”
“So you’ll stay?” I asked hopefully.
“You know it kills me to leave you when you’re so anxious to spend time with me,” his smile turned sad. “But I have to go this time. ”
“Fine,” I sighed. “Go, leave, betray me. ”
“It’s nice to have your permission,” he teased, but there was something dark in his tone that caught my attention. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”
“Alright,” I agreed.
“Bye, Stella,” he whispered when he was standing near the window.
“Bye, Seth,” I matched his desolate tone and waved at him.
I watched him leave and close my window behind him. I stared at the window for a long time after he was gone. I wasn’t really sore anymore; my body had done a great job of healing itself, but I couldn’t bring myself to get up and walk to the window or even leave the bed. A heavy depression had settled over me and I felt inexplicably sad that Seth had left. I wanted to blame it on my intensifying feelings for him, but it was something more than that- something I couldn’t even explain yet.
I allowed fatigue to settle over me again, and because I didn’t have anything else to do, I went back to sleep.
I had weird dreams. Well, I’d been having annoying nightmares ever since the attack, but this time, in my place, the nightmare centered on Seth. He took my place, and I stood in a weird limbo watching it happen in front of me, unable to intervene or stop him from getting hurt.
I saw him near the equipment shed in deep conversation with his sister. But he didn’t look right. His skin was ghostly white, and his eyes were black and blue with fatigue. He was gaunt and sickly, a shadow of himself. I watched as Seven whispered lie after lie into his bleeding ears. And even though I couldn’t make out what she was telling him, I knew it was bad; I knew it would change him forever.
Then Aliah showed up, and didn’t just bring two henchmen with him, but thousands and thousands of Fallen. They surrounded him until I couldn’t see him anymore, until all I could do was listen for the strangled call of my name- pleading for help. But it never came. He was swallowed up by all that evil, into the depths of Hell and he seemed to go…. willingly.
And then we were back in that desert. Only instead of me propped up into sitting, waiting for the blow of the sword, it was Seth. And while he looked as calm and laid-back as ever, I was scrambling to find a weapon to protect him. But when I’d finally located a suitable blade it was too heavy for me to pick up. I tried dragging it over so I could stop Saul from swinging his sword, but I couldn’t make it budge. Finally, I gave up and attacked Saul with my bare hands. I clawed and scratched at his face; I bit his shoulder like a savage cannibal and I ripped his skin and muscles from his bones. Finally Saul fell to his knees, and then to his face as he bled out all over the dry, cracked desert floor. I kicked him, so that he rolled over, suddenly feeling like something was very wrong.
Instead of Saul’s intimidating features, it was Seth’s hollow eyes that looked back at me, dead, lifeless, vacant.
I woke up screaming in bed, ripping the blankets off me, desperate to get the blood off my hands.
My parents came running into the room, panicked and slightly afraid of my hysteria.
I eventually calmed down and focused on my breathing evenly, but it was too late.
The realization settled over me as the panic ebbed away. I was too late. The knowledge was so concrete and right inside me that my soul felt sick with awareness. He was my other half, my Counterpart. I could feel his emotions when we were together, I could find him anywhere on Earth if I needed to. If he wanted me to. But he didn’t.
Our
connection was severed- completely.
Seth was gone.
And not just for the day.
Seth had left me for Seven.
For Aliah.
----
“I’ve looked everywhere for him,” I walked back in the kitchen door and slunk down into a chair around the table. “He’s gone. I feel that he’s gone. ”
Serena and Nate were still out canvasing the sky for him while Jupiter sat at the table with his face buried in his hands. My revelation that Seth had disappeared was first met with disbelief and denial. But at my prompting, we all split up to find him.
And, no surprise to me, he was nowhere to be found.
A note had been left for Jupiter on their refrigerator but all it said was, “Trust me. ”
Jupiter apparently did not trust Seth because he pretty much lost his mind after the first few hours when Seth couldn’t be found. The school had called and asked where Seth was, and Jupiter had given them the sick excuse.
This would get messy now that Seth was enrolled in school.
If Seth was truly gone, we would have to go through the steps of filing a police report for a missing kid, or make up some story about why he would just suddenly disappear.
And that was on top of trying to process the idea that Seth would leave us- leave me. I couldn’t comprehend why or what he thought he could accomplish.
If Seth was hunting Aliah himself, they would kill him. As strong as Seth was, he was no match for all of Aliah’s men.
And if he wasn’t trying to kill Aliah…. then what was he doing? Joining them?
That thought was inconceivable to me. It was an entire idea I could not wrap my head around.
But it was the only idea that made sense. It explained why he just disappeared. And it explained how our emotional connection died.
“But why?” my mom asked in a gravelly voice. She had not taken his disappearance well either. We knew it meant one thing- that he was Fallen now.
Our side didn’t do the whole spy thing, but only because it wasn’t possible. There was no way to pretend you were evil without losing your Light, and that was the whole reason we existed. Once Seth crossed over, he wouldn’t be able to come back.
And he knew that.
“What is he thinking?” my dad asked Jupiter. He too sounded ragged from loss.
“I can’t be certain. ” Jupiter sat up a little straighter and met my father’s eyes. “But I imagine he thinks he is doing something noble. ”
I sat back in my chair, feeling like he had just laid an immense weight on my shoulders- that was too impossible for me to carry.
Seth was doing this for me?
Did he think he could protect me this way? Honestly?
He could do a better job of that if he was with me. How could he possibly watch out for me if he becomes as twisted and sick as the rest of the Fallen? In no time at all, he would want me dead as much as Aliah and Seven. As soon as he handed over his will to Aliah, he would be bent to their desires, and they would always, always want me dead.
It didn’t make sense.
And what was worse, was that this felt like betrayal to me.
Just hours ago he had kissed me so sweetly and promised to take care of me. He’d asked me not to give up on him! But now I realized what an impossible request that was. How could I hold out hope when he abandoned me? And what kind of hope was I supposed to have, anyway?