“Jamie, I'm sorry.” He brought his hand up and framed her face with it, his eyes searching hers. “I know that I love you. I know it in my head.” He touched the journal with his other hand. “I study my words, and I'm breathless with how much I love you. But I haven't been able to tell you, because when I do … I want it to come from my heart, from the way it'll be when my memory returns. Not because it's a fact, but because it's really how I feel.”
The tears came, and there was nothing she could do to stop them. She blinked so she could see him clearly. “I … I understand, Jake.”
“The thing is …” He let his voice trail off and gazed at the ceiling for a moment. Frustration etched itself into his expression as he caught her eyes once more. “The thing is I do love you. I see the way you care for me, the steps you've taken to keep things simple for me these past few weeks. Then I read about my feelings for you in the journal, even in my notes in the Bible. And I can't feel anything but love for you.”
She nodded, not sure what to say. How could she be last on his list? How could he remember Sierra and God, but not her? It didn't make sense … in fact it made her doubt whether he'd ever remember her fully again.
When she didn't say anything, he gently pulled her close and kissed her cheek. She stayed there, her face near his, breathing in the smell of him, the combination of his aftershave and deodorant, the faint scent of familiar detergent woven into his clothes. “Jake …” Her heart pounded and she hung her head. “I miss you.”
“Me too.” His voice was a whisper, a gentle breath against her cheek. “What we shared before … before this nightmare.” He paused and nuzzled the healed part of his cheek ever so lightly against hers. “What we shared is something I can't wait to have again.” He pulled back and locked eyes with her. “I miss it, Jamie. I wish I could remember everything right now so we could start right here where we left off.”
The nearness of him was more than she could bear. She wanted to beg him to take her in his arms, lie down with her there on the guest room bed, and love her the way he'd loved her so many times before. She trembled with a desire that threw common sense out the window and made even thinking all but impossible.
“Jamie …” Again he seemed to sense her feelings, and he slipped his arms around her, drawing her up against his chest, allowing her to be lost in the warmth of his embrace the way she'd been dying to do ever since he came home. His breathing became faster, and this time there was no question—he too was caught by the passion of the moment.
He brought his lips to her neck and made a trail of tender kisses from her collarbone to her ear. “You're so beautiful, Jamie … I lie here thinking about you, wondering how long it'll be until …”
His kisses were driving her crazy with desire, and she could feel herself angling her face toward his lips, drawing closer to him so they could kiss the way she wanted to. But she had to ask him something first, had to know what he was feeling inside. Not just physically, but emotionally. “Do … do you remember this?” Her words were breathy and almost desperate as she arched her back and pressed in against him. “Do you, Jake? Do you remember how it was?”
“Oh, Jamie …” A moan sounded from deep inside his chest, and he drew back slowly. His eyes were clouded in a desire that was as familiar to Jamie as her own heartbeat. Jake placed his hands on either side of her face and looked to a place inside her that she'd kept from him since he'd come home. “Jamie, I want this, I want all of it. Right here … right now.” He blinked and the desire faded some, but it was difficult for him to go on. “But I can't lie to you. I still don't remember it. Not the way I should.”
His words cut her deep and made her draw back a few inches. She wanted to cry or shout or scream that it wasn't fair, that she couldn't survive another day without knowing his love the way it had been before September 11. But she couldn't. It wasn't Jake's fault, and nothing good could come from upsetting him now. Lovemaking for the two of them had always been a sweetly subtle dance, but now Jake no longer remembered the steps or the music.
She sucked in a steadying breath and waited until she had the upper hand over her unbridled emotions. “Okay … then let's wait.”
He pursed his lips and let the air ease from his lungs. His hands fell to his sides once more, and pain filled his eyes. “I'm sorry.”
“Don't, Jake.” She gave a few quick shakes of her head and stood, turning to face him, her back to the wall. The wanting she'd felt only a moment ago faded completely, and in its place was a different kind of desire. The desire only to see Jake return to the person he'd once been. She made her best attempt at a smile. “One of these days you'll remember.”
He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and looked up at her. Something about his expression reminded Jamie of Sierra. There was no question Jake was her father. He stretched his hands over his head.
“My body remembers, Jamie. Believe me on that, okay?”
She thought about how his breathing had quickened as he kissed her neck. “I know.” A sad chuckle sounded on her lips, and she waited, letting the moment pass. “So when do you want to start?”
“Start?” He blinked, his face blank.
This time she laughed out loud and tapped his foot with her tennis shoe. “Start living. You know, jet-skiing and picnics and talking with the guys at work. All that stuff you mentioned.”
He grinned. “That stuff. Yes …”
A moment passed, and she enjoyed the struggle on his face, how difficult it was for him to switch gears. If her nearness had made that kind of impact on him, then his days of remembering couldn't be far away.
He raised his eyebrows and grabbed a short breath. “How 'bout tomorrow?”
“Okay.” Jamie leaned against the wall and lowered her chin. “What should we do?”
“Hmmm.” Jake studied her, his eyes thoughtful. “Something the three of us can do together.”
“Right.” She was starting to like the idea. It seemed like years since they'd been out as a family.
“And something where I won't overdo it. Not on my first time out.”
“Okay.”
“I've got it …” He gave her a pointed look tinged with innocence.
Suddenly, she knew that this was the thing he'd wanted to suggest to her all along.
“Let's go to church together. Then we can take a drive down to the beach and maybe walk along the shore.”
The word “No” was almost out of Jamie's mouth when she stopped it. She searched Jake's eyes, trying to see if there was any guile there, any devious plan or ulterior motive. There was none. His journal entries obviously stated his concerns about her lack of faith and the fact that she didn't go to church. But his desire to have her beside him tomorrow for a Sunday service was only his attempt to join the living again in a way that involved Jamie and Sierra.
She bit her lip for a moment and then nodded. “Okay. We can do that.”
As soon as she said the words, panic tapped her on the shoulder and sneered at her. If she went to church tomorrow, he'd expect her to go every week. And church simply wasn't something Jamie did. Not when the whole idea of God was still so senseless and unbelievable.
Jake reached out to her then and took her hand. “Thanks, Jamie.” He glanced at the journal and then back at her. “I know it won't be easy for you. In fact, I kind of thought you'd say no. But I think it'll be good for me. It'll … it'll mean the world to have you and Sierra there.”
Throughout the evening, Jamie had her doubts. But in the end, as she fell asleep that night alone in their bed, craving the feel of Jake beside her, and drowning in the memory of their nearness earlier that day, she knew she had no choice. She would gladly give up a part of herself, her convictions, her determinations, her right arm, if it meant she could in any way help Jake's memory return. Going to church wouldn't hurt her. But living without Jake beside her, missing his touch and his kiss for much longer, might do worse than that.
It might kill her.
TWENTY-SIX
OCTOBER 14, 2001
The moment they climbed out of her van and headed across the church parking lot, Jamie wondered if she'd made a mistake. Jake's presence at church that Sunday was bound to cause more than a little stir among the congregation. None of them knew about his amnesia, and the attention wasn't something Jamie had considered.
It took just seconds before a family pulled up in a sedan two parking spots away, climbed out of their car, and stared at Jake. The man pulled himself from the group and took three long strides toward them. “Jake … we've missed you.” He looked at Jamie. “I'm Tom. You must be Jake's wife.”
“Yes.” She gave him a polite smile but kept her distance.
“Jake …” Tom reached his hand out, and Jake shook it. The stranger's eyes welled up. “I'm … I'm sorry about your buddies. About all of it. We've been praying.” He shrugged. “The whole country's praying.”
Jamie could feel Jake's uneasiness.
He shifted his weight some and nodded. “Thanks.”
There was a sad hesitation, then the man gave Jake a half grin. “You look great.”
Sierra worked her way to the other side of Jake and took his hand. A smile lit up her face, and it was obvious she agreed with the man. “Daddy's getting better!”
“It must feel good to get out.” The sun was bright that morning, and a cool breeze played through the trees that lined the parking lot.
“Yep.” Jake squinted and cast a look toward the church entrance.
There was nothing left to say, and Jamie could feel the moment grow awkward. “Excuse us …” She nestled against Jake's side and took two small steps forward. “We don't want to be late.”
“Right.” The man dropped Jake's hand and shot one more smile at him. “We're here for you.” He looked at Jamie. “All of you. Anything you need.”
“Thanks.” Jamie's answer was quick, and the man got the hint. He nodded once more and returned to his family. When he was out of earshot, Jamie leaned close to Jake and whispered, “They don't know about the amnesia, right?”
“Not unless you've told them.”
“No.” She fell in step beside him. “I only told the guys at the station. I haven't said a word to anyone else.” Jamie thought about that as they headed for the church's front door. Of course she hadn't said anything. She didn't know these people, not one of them, because Jake had kept this part of his life separate from her, not wanting to pressure or force her to believe as he did. Not wanting to burden her with talk about faith or religion or even God. Unless it was something she wanted. And even though they'd been very kind, bringing meals by and making promises of prayer for their family, Jamie wasn't about to share private details with them.
Fifteen yards separated them from the church doors, and along the way three other people waved or approached Jake with hugs and statements that they'd been praying for him. Jamie cast an occasional glance at Jake, and she felt him press in closer to her. He seemed to sense the way the attention of these strangers made her feel uncomfortable. He might not remember his past, but his journal had taught him lots about her. He had to know that attending church with him was not easy for her.
He brought his head close to hers and spoke in a voice only she could hear. “You okay?”
She licked her lower lip and shrugged. “Nervous.”
Sierra was skipping along on the other side of him, her hand tucked in his. But now, for the first time since the terrorist attacks, Jamie felt Jake reach for her hand and weave his fingers between hers. The sensation made her knees weak. In a rush of familiarity, she felt instantly at ease. She was with Jake and Sierra, together as a family for the first time in more than a month. And not even a sermon could touch the joy of that.
They went inside, Jake limping and leading the way. With every person who approached them, Jake pretended he remembered.
“God is always faithful,” he'd say. Or, “I felt your prayers every hour.”
These were things Jake would've said, without a doubt, things he believed. But Jamie knew they weren't statements he ever remembered saying. In fact, in a ten-minute period Jake pulled off a performance that was worthy of an Academy Award, one that would've been impossible without the time he'd invested in reading his Bible and his journal.
People continued to approach Jake, and the attention he was getting gave Jamie the chance to glance around the inside of the church. It was actually fairly nice looking. A few banners with Bible words written on them, but none of the statues and stained glass she'd found so intimidating back when she was a child.
The people continued to come, thrilled for a chance to connect once more with Jake and to pass on their thanks. He was among the city's most famous heroes now. Not that he hadn't been before. But the status awarded firefighters in the weeks since September 11 went way beyond ordinary hero and skyrocketed up into the realms of celebrity. Normally this much attention might have shaken Jamie, but as long as Jake had hold of her hand, as long as he stood tall and strong by her side, she felt perfectly content.
They checked Sierra into Sunday school and then made their way to a pew toward the back of the church. As soon as they sat down, a dozen people came up and offered still more kind words and assurances of continued prayer. Jamie watched them, struck by the light in their eyes. It was then that she finally noticed something about these people. Their love wasn't only for Jake.
It was for her too.
Though Jamie had never come with him, though these people had never seen her even once at church, they hugged her and offered whatever help she might need. Several of them had tears in their eyes. The realization brought back Jamie's feelings from before September 11. Sierra had been asking her to come to church with them, and Jamie's interest had been roused.
Here, now, she was curious once more. She might not believe, but she didn't have to hold something against these people. Clearly, they loved her family and even her. The least she could do was give them a chance.
An older woman approached and patted Jamie's hand. “Well, hello, dear. It's so good to finally meet you.”
A man behind her smiled big at Jamie. “We're family, remember. If there's anything we can do to help, please let us know.”
By the time the service started, Jamie's head was spinning. She'd gone from curious to baffled. Was this what she'd been afraid of? A warmly lit building filled with kind people, a place where she felt surrounded by comforting words? She stared at her lap for a moment and tried to collect her thoughts. It didn't matter how nice the place felt. What mattered was the fact that by sitting here she was making a mockery of herself. She didn't believe in God. Especially since September 11. It was wrong for her to be here, and as soon as Jake's memory returned, she wouldn't be back.
She wouldn't be a hypocrite.
The pastor took the pulpit, and Jamie steeled herself. This was the part where he'd do one of two things. He'd either shout at them about hell—making them feel guilty for every careless thought and pressuring them to believe. Or he'd give a sugarcoated message about how everything always worked out for those who believed.
Jamie huffed quietly to herself. Tell that to the people buried in the rubble of the World Trade Center. She dismissed her thoughts and worked her fingers more tightly between Jake's. The preacher could talk all day as long as she had Jake's hand in hers, his warm body beside her.
Someone had handed Jamie a bulletin when she came in. Now she opened it and scanned the list of pastors until she found the name of the man about to speak. Pastor Jason Ritchie. Jamie closed the pamphlet and set it on the seat next to her.
“Good morning and welcome to First Community Church.” He smiled, and something about the man reminded her of Jake's father. “If you're visiting with us today, we're glad you came.” He looked around the congregation until his eyes fell on Jake and Jamie. “We have someone very special with us today. Many of you know that Jake Bryan is part of the church family here. He's a firefighter with FDNY, and back on
September 11, he nearly lost his life in the World Trade Center.” The man paused. “Jake's here today, well enough to join us this morning.” The man's voice sounded strained, and for a moment he seemed to fight tears. “Let's give Jake a welcome back.”
People all around began to clap, and after a few seconds, a row of people stood and then another and another until the entire congregation was on its feet, clapping and looking at Jake. Tears streamed down the faces of several of them. Jamie leaned in closer to Jake, her heart touched by this outpouring. Was this what she'd been missing? People young and old who saw Jake as part of their family?
In a way it reminded her of the love at the fire station. But this was different. These people didn't love Jake because he was a firefighter; they loved him because they shared the same faith, the same God. Whole or broken, flawed or not—their common bond was one Jamie had only that morning begun to understand.
When the people returned to their seats, Pastor Ritchie began telling them a story about Jesus and a few of his friends. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus—siblings who shared a home together. The story went that Jesus cared about these three in a special way. So it was when Lazarus took sick and died, Jesus was deeply moved.
“See,” the pastor's voice rang clear and true, and Jamie found herself listening, so caught up in the story that she forgot to be leery of it. “Death was not a part of Christ's plan. It never had been.” He hesitated. “Certainly as he listened to Mary and Martha cry for their dead brother, Jesus was reminded that life was never supposed to hold that type of pain and loss.” His voice dropped a notch. “What did Mary and Martha say to Jesus, anyway?” He paused. “They said, ‘Lord … if you'd been here this wouldn't have happened.’”
Pastor Ritchie sauntered across the stage and made eye contact with people on the far side of the church. “Since the terrorist attacks, we're tempted to say the same thing, aren't we?” He gave them a sad smile before turning and making his way toward the other side of the congregation. “We rail and shout and shake our fists at God, yelling at Him through our tears. ‘If only You'd been here, God … in the buildings where You were supposed to be … none of this would've happened.’” The pastor stopped and squared himself toward the middle of the room. “But is that really the way it is?”