Julia looked up to see Alison staring straight at her.
“Ginger Rogers?”
“Kate.”
Who’s Kate? Julia wondered, but didn’t say it out loud, not really caring.
From the bunk bed across from them, Jane let out a loud sigh.
“Yes, we know. You and Kate are both on the school dance team,” Jane muttered.
Ignoring her, Alison continued staring at Julia and said, “So I hear you and your friends have been following Wynn to his church?”
Julia was slightly taken aback at the turn of the conversation. “We help out with his church’s youth group.”
“Yeah, we all love Wynn,” Alison curtly went on, obviously not caring to hear about the ministry. “He’s a great guy. I just feel so bad for him.”
She paused and smiled meaningfully at Julia. She refused to be baited but instead held her gaze.
Suzy shifted around uneasily next to her.
From behind Alison, Jane stood up annoyed. “Is the small group discussion part over?”
Ignoring Jane, Alison continued, “You know, because I’m sure he’s really bored and lonely without Kate.”
“Who’s Kate?” Suzy murmured.
Julia shrugged, equally confused.
From the other side of Suzy, Gracie said softly, “Alison’s roommate.”
At the same time, Alison and Jane answered, “Wynn’s girlfriend.”
Time froze. The room spun.
The buzzing had yet to stop ringing in her ears, when Suzy sat up and said in a bored voice, “Oh, that’s nice.”
Ignoring her as well, Alison said, “You look surprised, Julia. Didn’t Wynn mention Kate to you? You know they’ve been dating since freshmen year, totally perfect for each other.”
“Well, that’s wonderful,” Suzy said a little louder this time, pulling Julia up with her as she stood up. “We’re planning on meeting some people for free time so we better go. C’mon, Gracie.”
The door slammed, and Julia looked around to realize Suzy had dragged her back to her own cabin with Gracie close behind. Julia leaned wearily against the ladder of the closest bunk bed and stared in bewilderment at the two girls she barely knew.
They both stood in front of her, concern and curiosity written on their faces.
“I take it you didn’t know Wynn had a girlfriend.”
Julia let out a huge breath.
“No.”
Suzy crossed her arms and looked at Gracie. “How crazy do you think Alison is? I mean, we all know there’s something not quite right with that girl. But would she make something like that up?”
“Jane said she was Wynn’s girlfriend too,” Gracie pointed out.
“So you know this Kate? Because this is the first time I’ve ever heard of her,” Suzy said, still unconvinced.
“Yeah, I’ve seen her pictures. They’re all over their wall in Alison’s apartment,” Gracie said.
“What does she look like?” Suzy couldn’t resist asking.
Gracie glanced sympathetically over at Julia then said, “Gorgeous.”
Julia groaned. “Of course she is.”
“So where is she? Why haven’t we met her yet?”
“She’s studying abroad this year in Hong Kong. Supposedly she’s also really good at Kung-fu and got this small part in a movie overseas,” Gracie added reluctantly.
“Did you know?” Julia asked her.
“I didn’t know she was dating Wynn,” Gracie admitted. “I mean, there are just so many people at A.A.C.F. Those first couple of weeks Alison was throwing names around, but half the time I had no idea who she was talking about. She might have mentioned it, but I didn’t know who he was at the time.”
“You’re not dating him, are you?” Suzy asked skeptically.
“No, I’m not,” Julia assured her. “I just feel like a complete idiot.”
“He’s easy on the eyes.”
Julia groaned. “I just can’t believe it,” she murmured, feeling a headache coming on.
Suzy shrugged. “No harm done. Nothing happened, right? You didn’t know he was taken. So you had a crush.”
But it’s more than that, Julia bemoaned silently. I thought he liked me too.
“C’mon, let’s go do something fun. We didn’t get a chance to try out snow tubing yesterday,” Suzy coaxed. “Forget Wynn.”
“Do you think other people knew?”
“What? That you liked Wynn?” Suzy shrugged. “I wasn’t sure myself until Alison singled you out like that. It’s college. Everyone flirts with everyone. It’s not a big deal.”
It sounded so easy. No big deal, shallow feelings.
But she couldn’t get her heart to stop aching.
Why am I such an idiot?
Rubbing her eyes, Julia said, “I think I’m just going to take a little nap.”
“Are you sure?”
Before the door closed behind then, Julia said, “If you happen to see Lexi, can you tell her where to find me?”
“Sure.”
* * *
“Lia, are you sleeping?” Julia felt a cold hand lay across her forehead. “I just heard what happened. Are you ok?”
She rolled slowly away from the wall and opened her eyes to see Lexi hovering over her. “Am I crazy? Did I just imagine he was interested in me?”
“He was definitely friendly, and especially to you. But some people just have a naturally friendly personality. It doesn’t mean anything to them.”
“If you said that about Geoff, I’d believe you. But I thought Wynn was different.”
“Did he ever do anything, you know, outside of being a friend?”
“No. I guess it was just me then, living in my own little fantasy again.”
Lexi hugged her. “I’m so sorry, Lia.”
* * *
The day passed by in a blur. After the evening message, everyone was dismissed with their small groups to prepare for the greatly anticipated Talent Show. Battling the increasingly uneasy twist in her stomach, Julia stared at her pale face in the bathroom mirror of Alison’s cabin.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Julia mumbled.
Next to her, Suzy sighed. “You’ll be fine.” She paused as she applied bright red gloss on her lips. “Here, put some of this on,” she suggested, handing her the small round container.
Taking it, Julia smeared some on her finger and rubbed it against her lips. Suzy smiled and nodded with approval.
“You look good,” Gracie said, entering the tiny bathroom to plug in a hair straighter and proceeded to make her long hair shimmery smooth.
“Like war paint,” Julia muttered, darkening the color with another coat.
Suzy laughed, not offended. Digging through her make-up bag she pulled out a tube of midnight mascara and a stick of charcoal eyeliner, and said, “Exactly.”
Julia tilted her head back slightly, opened wide her eyes, and let Suzy have a go at her lashes.
A couple minutes later there was an impatient knock on the bathroom door.
“Time to go,” Alison announced.
Suzy opened the door and Alison’s eyes widen slightly at their appearance but swiftly composed herself. Gathering up her stuff as they prepared to head back to Cedar Chapel, Alison came over to Julia and said, “Hey, about earlier. I’m sorry you didn’t know Wynn was already dating someone. I just noticed the way you kept looking at him and I didn’t want to see you get hurt by thinking anything could ever happen between the two of you.”
Julia turned to stare at her.
A picture of innocence, Alison continued in a sweet voice, “I could tell you were infatuated by him. But honestly, I think he’s immune to it. He doesn’t even notice other girls in that way. He’s totally in love with Kate. You should see them together. No hard feelings, ok?”
Steeling herself, Julia flipped her hair over one shoulder and shot Alison an extra bright smile. “Of course, I totally understand.”
Suzy came up next to her and lo
oped her arm around Julia’s, her smile not quite matching the glare in her eyes.
Alison took note of Suzy’s menacing look then shrugged and moved to open the door. “C’mon, I want to get a good seat,” she snapped brusquely. “You’re all going to make me late.”
Straightening her shoulders, head held up higher than was comfortable, Julia walked past Alison, out of the warmth of the heated cabin and out into the frigid cold darkness.
Chapter Eighteen
The ride back to campus was quiet, to say the least. The thought of trying to switch out of Wynn’s car crossed Julia’s mind, but she stopped short of doing it, refusing to be a coward. She had done nothing wrong and had no reason to run away. Despite her internal pep talks, she still avoided being around Wynn and his friends. The thought that any of them had also known about her impossible crush was humiliating.
They made a quick detour at a McDonalds outside the campsite with Wynn and Elliott both ordering large fries despite having eaten lunch less than an hour ago.
“And an ice cream cone,” Lexi called into the drive-thru box.
“In this weather,” Wynn had asked skeptically.
But Lexi was insistent. Julia wasn’t hungry so declined getting anything even after Wynn asked her a second time. The moment they pulled out back into the street, Lexi promptly fell asleep, her ice cream cone untouched.
“Hey, Ellie,” Julia whispered, pointing to Lexi when he turned around from the passenger seat.
Elliott laughed silently at Lexi sleeping while still managing to hold her ice cream cone upright. Releasing his seatbelt, he stretched all the way around until he hovered right in front of Lexi’s dozing face. Then with one deft move, he bent down and in two quick big bites devoured first the melting swirled vanilla ice cream and in the second mouthful, the top half of her cone.
Sitting back in his seat, snapping on his seat buckle, he threw Julia a mischievous look while wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His cheeks were still stuffed with their stolen loot.
Wynn glanced at her wordlessly, but other than shaking his head with his usual semi-amused expression, just continued munching on his fries.
Crumpling up the grease stained paper bag, Elliott let out a huge satisfied sigh, and reached to pull his seat back into reclining position. A few seconds later he started snoring softly. Without either Lexi or Elliott to carry on a conversation with Wynn, Julia closed her eyes too.
The false bravado she had been hiding behind was draining. From the moment Suzy had transformed her face with the war paint, Julia had slipped behind that mask as if it were a protective armor.
Geoff’s wolf whistle the moment Julia stepped into Cedar Chapel had been the first tally on her fragile mental scoreboard. She wasn’t even sure exactly who she was competing against: Alison, for making her feel insignificant, or Kate, the mere mention of her name giving Julia an inferiority complex? All she knew was the burning anger inside of her just raging to be set free.
The car winded back down the mountain, showing off a panoramic view of the shimmering lake and majestic snow covered trees. But instead of noticing them, Julia clung to the images from the night before, letting them flash through her mind, grasping at any feelings of worth they gave her like a child yearning for her security blanket.
Dancing on the stage had been a black blur. The second the music went on, Julia slipped behind her mask, forcing on a false bravado.
Only one thought echoed through her mind as she danced: Lack confidence, do I, Alison? I’ll show you confidence.
Before the last note faded away, Julia was aware of the ear shattering cheers and Geoff’s approving howl reverberating off the four sides of the packed room.
She was practically shaking by the time she reached her seat.
Both Lexi and Elliott were gaping at her wide eyed.
“Lia, you can dance?” Lexi screamed at her in order to be heard over the still thunderous roar of the applause, her smile splitting her face. “Lia, you can dance!”
“Hey!”
Julia jolted from her sleeping position in the car as Lexi’s yelp brought her careening back to the present. They were no longer on the mountain, but back down the mountainside racing down the flat billboard-littered freeway.
“What happened to my ice cream cone?”
Julia bit back a laugh at the sight of Lexi’s horrified expression as she stared at the gnarled stub of a dripping cone left between her fingers. Elliott nonchalantly turned around and looked at it as well.
“That’s nasty, Lex,” he said impishly.
“Did you eat it?” Lexi demanded.
Elliott feigned a wide eyed innocent look. “Me? I’m not the one who was licking and chomping on an ice cream cone while fast asleep. There must be some medical term for this disease, sleep-eating is it? Not the most pretty picture.”
Lexi glared at him for a moment before bursting out laughing. “You owe me an ice cream cone, Elliott Angel Raphael Lee,” she demanded and threw the soggy stump at the back of his head.
“Hey,” he protested, wiping at the sticky lump, making Julia laugh out loud.
From the rear view mirror, Wynn caught her eye. But before he could say anything, Julia turned her head away and closed her eyes, pretending to go back to sleep.
* * *
Later that night Julia was sitting at her desk, her laptop glowing in front of her. The keyboard called out to her. Her hands ached to tap out the tangled thoughts tumbling around in her head, but she resisted, the same way she ignored the last two empty pages in her journal stubbornly leaving them empty.
Instead she logged online and aimlessly clicked through the latest scoops on her favorite celebrities. She was looking at photographs of Taylor Swift walking through an airport terminal, admiring the cut of her winter coat and boots, when the door opened slightly. Lexi poked her head in, her expression expectant.
“What’s up?” Julia asked.
“Wynn’s here,” she mouthed. “He wants to talk to you.”
Julia glanced down. She was wearing her pink and yellow plaid pajama bottoms and a light blue long sleeved thermo shirt, her hair twisted up in a loose ponytail. The war paint long washed off.
Lexi and Elliott had been hanging out in the common area, both wearing their matching Aosta Verde University logo hooded shirts and sweatpants, playing some video game on the suite TV. They had planned on ordering pizza. It wasn’t so much that Julia cared about how she looked physically, but she didn’t feel mentally or emotionally prepared to see him.
Feeling caught off guard, Julia shook my head slowly.
Lexi hid her disappointment and closed the door. Julia was scrolling through several websites for a tailored coat that resembled the one Taylor Swift was wearing when Lexi slipped back into the room.
“He left,” Lexi announced, handing her the small disc. “He just wanted to return your memory card to you.”
Julia nodded and took it from her.
“What are you doing?”
“Buying a $278 winter coat.”
“Your mom’s going to kill you.”
Julia shrugged.
“She does it all the time.”
Chapter Nineteen
Winter quarter began without a hitch. Julia was glad for the routine of her early morning class schedule. Its rigidness gave her a sense of security and consistency, whereas the rest of her world seemed to be completely falling apart at its seams. She stopped attending A.A.C.F. large group meetings on Wednesday nights, dropped out of Natalie’s Bible study group, and refused to attend Leavesly Church with Lexi and Elliott on Friday nights and Sundays.
“Why are you letting one guy control your life, Lia?” Lexi demanded. They were standing by the stove in the common area, with Lexi chopping up green onions and Napa cabbage on her tiny wooden cutting board. Julia’s job was to watch the pot of water boil. “You’re just going to drop out of church because of a crush?”
“It’s not just about Wynn. And a
nyways, I’m busy. I have a lot of studying to do.”
Which was true, she even added a beginner’s Computer graphic design class to her schedule to fill in her Wednesday nights. She’d never been much of an artist, but found learning how to create images on the computer appealing. Maybe eventually she could figure how to create her own stationary, having always been slightly obsessed with finding the perfect stationary paper.
“I see bubbles,” Julia announced, alerting Lexi. She came to check on the water, then added Ramen noodles and cracked a couple eggs into the pot.
“What about the Easter play?” Lexi persisted, trying another tactic. “Are you going to let down all our kids? It’s not their fault any of this stuff with Wynn happened.”
“You can still use the script I started working on.” To prove her point, Julia marched back into their room. Opening the bottom drawer of her desk, she pulled out the Sanrio Chocó cat tin box she stored her stamps and address labels, and dug out the correct blue memory card.
Lexi was scooping the noodle soup into three bowls when Julia returned and handed her a newly printed hard copy of the Easter play. Knowing Lexi, if she had given her the memory card while she was cooking, it would end up in her pocket and eventually at the bottom of a washing machine.
“Is Ellie joining us?”
Lexi shrugged. “He’ll turn up sooner or later.”
They brought the food to the low coffee table and sat down.
Between bites Lexi said, “Well, you’re at least still going to church, right?” Apparently she wasn’t giving up on this subject.
“I already told you, I need a break away from seeing Wynn. I’m fine. I’m over him. I just need a little space and time, that’s all.”
“I’m sure Geoff wouldn’t mind giving you a ride to Aosta Verde Church.”
Julia made a face. “Not too thrilled about seeing Alison.”
Lexi gave her a stern look.
“We’ll see. Maybe,” Julia conceded.
Lexi nodded, looking a little sad. But she dropped the matter for now. Picking up her chopsticks she took another small bite of her noodle.
* * *
Coming out of her Computer graphic class on Wednesday night, Julia received a text message from Natalie saying she missed her at A.A.C.F. tonight and was wondering if she free for lunch the next day. Since Natalie had never been anything but nice to her, Julia texted back that she was available.