“Well, they didn’t, so don’t get so excited. Do you realize how much money I could have made?”
“What? Do you know how much money it could have cost us?”
*
“What’cha reading, sweetie?” Danielle asked Heather.
“There’s an article on how to cut hair. It looks easy. I’ll bet I could do it.”
Martha jumped in. “Why don’t you start with John? He needs one badly. It looks like somebody just put a bowl on his head and cut around it.”
“Mother, quit picking on poor John,” said Danielle.
“You like his hair that way? You know, he wouldn’t be a bad-looking man if he got it fixed.”
“I’ll do it,” offered Heather.
Danielle chuckled. “Oh, sweetie, you don’t know how to cut hair.”
“It’s easy, says so right here in the magazine.” Heather enthusiastically showed the magazine to her mother. “Here, look, this article tells you everything you need to know. How about it, John? Grandma’s right, you look goofy like that.”
“I don’t know,” said John.
“Hell, whatever she does to you has to be an improvement,” said Martha.
“Oh, come on, John, what have you got to lose?” asked Heather, getting up from her seat. “Grandpa, you got some sharp scissors?”
“You’re not really going for this, are you?” he asked John.
“You stay out of this, Nut Head!”
John just shrugged his shoulders, not sure how to proceed. “I don’t know, you really think I—”
“It can’t look any worse than it does now!” said Martha.
“Welll, . . . I guess . . . I can’t . . ,” John stammered.
“John, you sound worried,” Danielle pointed out.
“Poor, dumb bastard, you didn’t learn a thing from the makeup, did you?” Jed asked, shaking his head. “I’ll get the scissors.”
“Come on, sit over here,” Heather instructed. “I know what I’m doing. Trust me.”
“Hey, John, what have you got to lose?” added Danielle.
“Geez, don’t scare the guy away,” said Martha. “It’s just going to be a haircut. Keep it simple.”
“Well, I guess,” John complied, looking at the chair.
“Oh, boy! This is going to be a gas,” said Heather. She plunked John down and ran her hands through his hair. “Nobody will recognize you when I’m finished!”
“How much more of a warning do you need?” Jed asked, returning with scissors.
“You hush up, you old fool,” said Martha.
Heather shot into the kitchen to grab a towel and a big pitcher filled with water. She came back and draped the towel around John’s shoulders. She reached over and grabbed the magazine, laying it out on the table next to John. She studied the magazine for a moment.
“I need a comb,” she said.
“Right here,” said Danielle, reaching into her purse.
Heather dashed over and back.
“Okay, you’re going to be a new man, John,” she said, wetting her hands and running them through John’s hair while studying the magazine. She tried to comb his hair back, but it wouldn’t stay.
“Needs more water,” she said, dipping her cupped hands in the water. She poured the water over his head and rubbed her hands through his hair again.
“There, that should do it.”
Water dripped from John’s blank face as Heather picked up the scissors and consulted the magazine again. She combed up a soggy chunk of hair and went to work with the scissors. She made a big snip, but the scissors got stuck halfway through.
“Boy, these aren’t very sharp,” she said, prying the stuck scissors apart with both hands.
“I can’t stand to watch this,” Jed said. “It’s like having to witness an execution.”
“I told you to hush up!” Martha threatened him. She seemed to be enjoying the spectacle immensely.
Heather took the comb and went for the same chunk of hair that was already partially severed.
“This isn’t as easy as it looks,” she declared, really applying the pressure this time. The scissors did their work and finally got through the first tuft of hair.
“Uh oh, poor John,” said Danielle, laughing.
Heather combed up another chunk of hair, this time cutting right through the first try.
“Don’t you think you’re taking too much?” asked Danielle.
“Mother, do you know how to cut hair?”
“Well, not really,” she had to admit.
“Well, I do, so hush up,” said Heather, taking another big cut.
A large chunk of hair fell on John’s face, sticking to his nose.
“Whatever you say, dear,” said Danielle with an amused look on her face.
Heather was getting the system down. She combed up a large chunk of hair, got the scissors in place, and with a determined snip, more hair fell to the floor.
“See, I told you I could do it,” she said proudly. “Grandpa, you could use a little trim yourself, so I’ll do you next.”
“Yeah, Jed, you are a little shaggy,” added Martha, a devious grin on her face.
Jed looked concerned but didn’t say anything.
Heather continued to clip away, looking to the magazine now and then, working her way across John’s head.
Martha got up from her chair. “I like this side over here better,” she said, pointing to John’s head.
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” said Heather, going to the other side.
“Geez, Heather, I don’t think you did the top too well,” added Danielle. “Look how it’s different over here.”
“Oh, Mother, I can fix that, just watch.”
“No, damn it, you guys don’t know anything. It’s better right there,” Martha added, grabbing part of John’s hair.
“No, it’s not!” shouted Heather. “I’m trying to feather it. See how it stands out right here.”
Heather took the comb and dragged it through the problem area. John let out a slight yelp as the comb got stuck.
“Damn, this guy’s got weird hair,” she said, defending her technique.
“He has beautiful hair,” countered Martha.
“I thought you didn’t like it?” said Danielle.
“I said,” emphasized Martha, “that he had a terrible haircut.”
“Oh, right,” conceded Danielle. “I’m not too sure this is going to be an improvement, though.”
“Mother, I am not done yet, so please,” Heather said with a look of absolute concentration on her face.
“Oh, sweetie, you’re doing a great job.”
“No, she’s not. It’s still uneven right there.” Martha pointed to the spot again.
“I don’t think so!” argued Heather.
“Well, John, turn your head.” Martha grabbed his head and twisted it toward Heather. “See? It doesn’t match.”
“It matches,” declared Heather.
“No, I think Grandma is right,” Danielle said, studying John’s hair.
Jed slipped out of the room.
“No, damn it, you’re doing this all wrong. Why don’t you ever listen?” asked Martha. “I need another beer, because I can’t stand to watch this.”
“Good! You’re not helping anyway!” shouted Heather.
“That is no way to talk to your grandmother,” Danielle said sternly.
“You guys are so cruel!” shouted Heather. “I was just trying to help, and I’ll never do this again!” She threw the scissors down and stomped out of the room.
Danielle looked concerned. “Well, John, I guess that didn’t come out so hot. I wonder what we can do about your hair?”
*
The haircut fiasco had lost its novelty, and Martha was on her fourth beer.
“Nut Head’s disappeared, as usual,” she said.
“Do you know where he goes?” asked Danielle.
“Oh, yeah, there’s a discount food place in town, and he goes there almo
st every day. They have all this canned food from Mexico, really cheap, and you know your father, he can’t resist.
“Mother, there might be a bordello in the back,” said Danielle.
“Well, they would have to be slashing prices there too. Otherwise, your father wouldn’t be interested.”
Danielle laughed.
“You guys are always making fun of Grandpa, and I think it’s terrible,” said Heather, stomping through the room, headed outside.
*
“Hey, Dad’s back,” said Danielle, entering the family room. “You’ll never guess where he went.”
“Why should I care?” snorted Martha.
“Oh, Mother,” said Danielle. “I feel kind of bad for Heather. She’s going to be hurt.”
“What are you talking about? So Nut Head is back. What’s that got to do with her?”
“He went and got a haircut.”
“That asshole!” shouted Martha, jumping up. She left the family room and caught Jed coming in the backdoor to his office.
“What’s the meaning of this?” she shouted.
“The meaning of what?”
“This!” Martha reached up and grabbed a chunk of Jed’s hair and twisted.
“Oww!” howled Jed. “What’s got you so upset? I was in town and I got a trim. You’re the one that said I was shaggy.”
“You know Heather was looking forward to doing it,” Martha scolded him.
“I figured she’d be tired of the whole deal after massacring John.”
Heather was walking by the office. “I heard that Grandpa.”
“Oh, geez, Heather, I’m sorry. I was right there next to the barber shop, and everyone said—”
“Oh, quit groveling. It’s a nice haircut,” Heather said and continued down the hall.
“So how bad is it?” Jeb asked.
“Oh, it’s really, really bad,” said Danielle. “I promised to take him into town first thing in the morning to get it fixed.”
Chapter 15
“Hey, everyone, there’s a big motor home pulling up to the gate,” yelled Heather.
“That must be Chuck and Paula,” said Martha. “We’ve been expecting them for a couple of days.”
“Oh, no,” said Heather, exasperated, “not Chucky Whucky and Voodoo Paula.”
“Chucky Whucky?” asked John.
“His real name is Charles Whucky the third,” Martha said. “He has the worst time at the bank. He signs his checks ‘Chucky Whucky,’ and nobody takes him seriously.”
“His name is not the problem,” said Danielle. “When was the last time he went into a bank sober?”
“That might be never,” Jed added.
“If you think you’ve seen some crazy people so far,” Danielle told John, pointing out to the motor home, well, they ain’t got nothing on these two.”
The Walnuts headed outside to greet Chucky Whucky and Voodoo Paula.
*
Paula was the first down the steps and spotted the Walnuts coming out to meet them.
“Voodoo rules!” she shouted, lifting a large glass above her head.
“God bless rotten Russian potatoes!” shouted Chucky, right behind her with a glass of his own.
When they started toward the house, another woman came to the door of the motor home and looked around carefully. Jed saw her and groaned.
As she moved farther out of the door, Danielle shouted, “Oh no!”
Martha also recognized the woman and was absolutely livid. She turned immediately to Chucky. “What the hell were you thinking? How dare you bring that woman here!”
“We thought it might be time to bury the hatchet,” said Paula, cradling her big glass full of vodka next to her side.
“I’ll bury the hatchet all right—right in her goddamn head!” shrieked Martha, taking off toward the motor home.
The woman flinched and jumped back into the coach.
“Now, Marthie,” said Chucky, stepping in front of her. “Penelope wants to redeem herself. After all, it has been some time, and people should forgive.”
“Forgive hell; I want that woman out of here right now.”
“But, Marthie, she has no place to go,” said Chucky.
“Like hell, she can go with you because you’re leaving,” Martha hissed. She turned sharply and headed back toward the house.
“But you don’t mean that. We just got here.”
“Golly, Jed. I didn’t think after all this time she’d still be that upset.”
“What? I can tell you that seeing good old Penelope again isn’t much of a thrill for me either.”
“Now, Jed, you can’t really mean that. After all—”
“After all what, Chucky?”
“It was just a poor business decision,” he tried to explain.
“What?” shouted Jed. “It was outright fraudulent behavior on her part.” He looked over Chucky’s shoulder at the motor home, where Penelope had taken refuge. “Sorry, Penelope, but I can’t hold my tongue!”
“That’s okay, Jed, that’s why I came here,” she said in a soft, calm voice from safe inside. “I wanted to make it up to you.”
“What? You can make it up to me by getting the hell out of here! Now!”
“Please, Jed, let me make it up to you,” Penelope said.
“And how do you propose to do that?”
“Well, Jed.” Penelope came shyly to the door. “The business that I swindled you and Chucky out of became quite lucrative, and I want to give you your fair share of the proceeds.”
“What?” Jed’s usual opening was this time infused with curiosity. “What are we talking here?” he asked.
“We are talking about enough to have even Marthie forgive and forget,” added Chucky.
He took a check out of his shirt pocket.
“That might take half the gross national product,” said Jed.
“Well, we might as well start by getting your forgiveness first,” Chucky said, handing Jed the check, “and work out the more serious matters later.”
Jed looked at the check and a little smile appeared on his face. “It seems that my heart is suddenly full of forgiveness.” Jed looked up at Penelope, who was still standing in the doorway of the motor home. “How have you been all these years?”
“I’ve been good,” she said, walking down the steps, “but running that business was an immense amount of work, and now that I’ve sold it, I want to enjoy myself, renew old friendships, things like that.”
“Don’t go thinking a bundle of cash is going to win Martha over that easily.”
“I know, but it’s a start,” she said, extending her hand to Jed. “How have you been, you big, good-looking guy?”
“I’ve been fine, and you’re looking very fit yourself,” he said.
“Having money is good for you, if you know how to spend it properly.”
“So it is,” Jed said, looking at the check again and smiling. “So it is . . . Well, I’ll go show Martha the peace offering and see what happens.”
“Good to see you, Penelope,” said Danielle, finally. “I don’t know if you remember my daughter, but this is Heather.”
“My gosh, what a beautiful young woman you’ve become,” said Penelope. “You were still a little girl the last time I saw you.”
“Well, I don’t remember you,” said Heather.
“Heather, don’t be rude,” Danielle told her, then turned back to Penelope. “Well, good luck with my mother. I’m sure a few bucks can win over my dad, but you’ve got your work cut out for you with her. I don’t think it was the money she was really pissed about, but seducing my father in her own home. That was your undoing.”
Chucky walked next to Jed toward the house. “What the hell happened to that guy?” he whispered, spotting John and his chopped hair standing next to the fence.
“Oh, he was trying to save a few bucks. I tried to tell him that it doesn’t work—that you get what you pay for—but he refused to listen.” Jed went into the house and
Chucky followed, looking at him with a queer, mystified expression.
*
Chucky, Paula, and Penelope had gone through the family room and were sitting out on the porch, enjoying the lake and its surrounding beauty. They were listening to Jed and Martha argue from way in the back of the house. There was some loud talk from Jed. Then a door banged and Martha yelled, “You old fool, the damn check’s no good, and you let her into my house?”
Martha came stomping down the great hall, coming toward them. She rounded the corner and continued her march through the family room. She grabbed the screen door to the porch and pulled it right off the runners. With the check in her hand, she yelled at Penelope, “Okay, sister, what is the meaning of this?”
“It’s my peace offering,” she said softly.
“The goddamn thing’s no good! You might fool the Nut Head, like you always managed to, but how dumb do you think I am?”
“It’s good,” said Paula. “Chucky Whucky cashed an identical one last week, didn’t you, Chucky?”
“Sure did.” He looked at Martha. “It’s a good check, Marthie.”
“I don’t believe it! That woman,” she said, thrusting a finger at Penelope, “just wants to ruin my happy home, the same as last time!”
“The last time I set my sights on the leather business, and I got what I wanted. And now I’m here to make amends,” said Penelope.
“I’m leaving!” shouted Martha.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Jed.
“I’m calling Perry. He’s been so good to me,” Martha said, racing down the great hall.
“Not the liver doctor again,” Chucky told John. “Martha has this boyfriend that is as wide as he is tall. He adores her, and every time she and Jed seriously get into it, she runs off to Santa Fe to him.”
John slipped away into the great hall. Martha’s bedroom door was open. She was pulling open dresser drawers, grabbing clothes, and stuffing them into a suitcase. John knocked on the door frame, but Martha didn’t respond, so he knocked louder. She spun around.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing back here?” she growled. “This part of the house is not for guests!”
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said.
“Get the hell out of here!”
“Martha, what has you so bothered?” He stepped into the bedroom.
“What the hell is it to you?”
“We’ve become friends, and I hate to see you so upset. It’s not a serious thing. The woman obviously means nothing to Jed.”
“I do not forget when I’ve been wronged, and you are treading on serious ground right now!”