But it was hard to argue differently.
Until we met these people. Until he had men to look up to again, women who cared about what was best for him and treated him with respect and affection and a little girl that somehow softened his hard edges and made him smile again. Page was a sweet thing, but her effect on my brother was nothing short of a miracle. And while I believed most of his generosity and overprotection stemmed from his desire to emulate Vaughan, Hendrix and Nelson, I knew those two kids had developed a solid friendship as well.
Miller disappeared with a new bounce in his step and then Vaughan and I were left alone. He stayed like he was for a minute, sitting back on his haunches, eyes intense and penetrating even with the darkness. Something was on his mind.
Before he could open up whatever can of worms he brought with him, I said, “Thank you for that. He needs to eat more. I’ve been worried about him.”
Vaughan considered that for a moment; then he swiveled and dropped to the ground so we were sitting next to each other. Chuckling lightly, he said, “He hasn’t learned to balance everything yet. He wants to help provide and do his part, but he doesn’t realize in order to do that he has to take care of himself first.”
“Well, I’m sure if you wanted to teach him, he would love to learn from you. He hasn’t been able to admire anyone in a long time, and you seem to be the guy he’s chosen for his hero worship.” I tipped my head back against the wall and tried to make out the ceiling up above, but it was too dark. I didn’t exactly relish these words, because whatever I told Miller, Vaughan was definitely not my favorite person.
“I’m working on it. He’s a good kid.” he said simply. We sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before Vaughan said, “We were a little bit like mom and dad just now though, weren’t we?”
“What do you mean?” I asked as my heart kicked into overdrive. I didn’t like this analogy- wherever it was going- at all.
“You know, ‘Don’t worry Miller, just because mommy and daddy fight, doesn’t mean we don’t love you,’” Vaughan dropped his voice and put his arm around me to emphasize his point.
A laugh bubbled up and escaped before I could stop it. “We would have made a great PSA or afterschool special.”
“I think that’s what our issue is,” Vaughan said slowly as if I should know what he was talking about. When I didn’t respond, he attempted to explain, “I mean, why we’re so uncomfortable with each other. We’re afraid of becoming that.”
“Becoming what, Vaughan?” I felt like I had an idea of where he was going with this and I did not appreciate it.
“A couple.”
“Oh, lord! We’re having this discussion and that was your transition? You’re conversation skills need work, buddy.”
“Geez, Tyler. I’m trying here!” Vaughan sounded as exasperated as I felt.
“Sorry, I’m just so afraid of falling in love with you that I can’t seem to remember my manners.” Ok, maybe that was a little harsh, but this boy was way too full of himself if he expected me to throw myself at him just because he happened to be the only single, available guy around.
“Ok, you’re missing the point. I know you’re not interested in me. And you know I’m not interested in you. What I’m saying is that I think we both feel this pressure to couple up and I think it’s getting in the way of a potential friendship.”
I ran my hand through my tangled hair and looked Vaughan directly in the eyes. It was dark, and still in this part of the store. The streets outside were eerily quiet, especially when I still expected to hear traffic on the street or pedestrians walking by. But there was none of that- just the dead silence of a human-empty, Zombie-infested city.
“Vaughan, I’m sorry you feel pressure, but believe me when I say that there is no danger that I will ever fall for you. I’m not exactly sure where you’re feeling all this pressure from, but it’s not me. And if you’ve ever felt like it’s from me…. then I’m not sure what to tell you. Like, this isn’t me playing some kind of game with you. This is me being myself. We don’t always get along, but not because there’s all this hidden sexual tension between us. We just don’t. I can’t explain it. Although, if you’ve thought it was because I was in love with you this whole time, or expecting to be your mail-ordered bride or something that could explain-“
“I never thought that,” Vaughan cut in, seemingly unable to take even one more second of my tirade. “Listen, it’s never been you. I’ve never felt something from your side. I just thought maybe you felt like I did. When Reagan and Haley joined our group it was like my brothers claimed them in seconds. I hadn’t even had a moment to look at Reagan before Hendrix had his eyes on her. And your brother was even worse. Uh, Kane, not Miller. I just…. I know that things are different now. I know that couples happen sooner because they’re might not be a later. And that we are fighting to be a civilization again, that love is this huge marker of what makes us human. But I believe there’s something more to love than just a mutual benefit of being two single humans that happen to be in the same place at the same time.” Vaughan sighed. “I wasn’t trying to offend you Tyler. I was trying to reassure you that you’re safe from me.” He grinned at me and I hated that I started to relax a little bit.
“Are you telling me you weren’t after Reagan right from the get go too?”
His smile faltered just enough for me to know I’d hit my mark- even if it was under the belt. “There’s a difference.”
“What’s that?”
“Reagan,” he shrugged. “She’s different.”
“What is it with this girl, huh?” I myself had fallen for Reagan just as hard- in the platonically, I don’t mind enduring the undead revolution as your friend kind of way. But seriously, what was it with these boys. Anybody that saw Hendrix with Reagan could see how insane that boy was over her. And Kane had been worse. While I knew he had tried to do the same thing with several girls before Reagan- none of them ended up making it- he was hell bent on making that girl his trophy. And Vaughan too. The truth was, I expected more from Vaughan. He was laid back, and not the possessive type. This conversation with me, I truly believed he would have had it with any girl that was in my position. Just because he wasn’t the kind of guy that led girls on and he wasn’t the type to jump into anything head first without knowing exactly what he was diving into.
“She’s, I don’t know, Tyler. She’s different. And not just because she can protect herself and knows how to fight. She’s just that girl that has it all. She’s gorgeous, independent but does what’s best for everyone else first. She’s-“
“Alright, I get the picture,” I groaned. I hadn’t really been expecting a full run down of all her attributes, but it was nice to know I was apparently lacking in all those things. He’d somehow managed to wound my pride right after I told him I didn’t want him. “It must suck to be around this perfect girl every day, knowing she chose your brother.” I was actually being sincere, but I was aware how snotty I sounded.
Vaughan winced but was a good enough sport to answer, “Actually, it’s not so bad. We became friends easily and while I know something could have come out of it if we were in normal circumstances, I realized how intentional my brother was with her. For a while, I thought Hendrix and I might wait it out, see which one she decided on over time. She wasn’t really in a big hurry to pick or anything, but then our circumstances changed and Hendrix was the one that happened to be in the lead. I was a little bitter at first, but I think it worked out for the best. Hendrix is really happy, and he’s not the kind of person that is ever…. happy. And Reagan seems happy too, although I think Hendrix is freaking her out a little bit. What I’m trying to say, is that Reagan and I weren’t meant to be. And I’m alright with that now.”
“Not meant to be? Like ever? What if her and Hendrix don’t work out?” I wasn’t entirely sure I believed him anyway. I noticed how he watched her and looked at her. The boy was smitten.
“I couldn’t do that. Not to m
ention it’s weird to date your brother’s ex. There’s a code between brothers and at the end of the day my family is the most important thing in my life.”
“Huh,” I said because I honestly couldn’t relate to that. If my family had ever been the most important thing in my life it was a long time ago. Except for Miller. “So what were the circumstances? The ones that sped up the dating pool?”
Vaughan laughed humorlessly, “You’re brother. Or, I guess the whole Colony experience. Well, you were there. Reagan escaped and went straight to my brother’s arms.”
“Holy hell, that has to suck for you.”
He jabbed me in the ribs with his elbow. “You’re probably the most understanding and sensitive person I know,” he drawled.
“Sorry,” I snickered. “I’ve never been known for my empathy.”
“Shocking.”
“Seriously, though. I am sorry. Kane has always been a Grade A asshole, but what he did with Reagan was beyond his normal repertoire of crazy. Ok, that’s not exactly true. But as far as women go. She was an exception to his usually low standards. I completely understand why she ran right into the arms of a decent man.”
“What about you?” he asked, moving past probably painful memories. “Why aren’t you up for e-Harmony meets the Zombie Apocalypse?”
“Other than the fact that I respect myself?”
“Ouch.”
“Hey, listen, at least I’m not laying out a list of everything you’re not.” I pointed out trying to sound like I was joking. But failing.
Vaughan dropped his chin to his chest and shook his shaggy hair out. “Alright, I see your point. But I truthfully wasn’t saying you were not those things. I was just telling you what attracted me to Reagan initially. They didn’t have anything to do with you personally.”
Ego smoothed somewhat I said, “I can say the same thing. There’s nothing wrong with you per say, or…..” That sounded just a bad, so I cleared my throat and tried again, “What I’m trying to say is that this has nothing to do with you. I’m in love with someone else.”
“You are?” he sounded so shocked and disbelieving that I almost laughed.
“I am.”
“Wow.” Vaughan’s head popped up and met my gaze. I assumed he was trying to figure out if I was telling the truth or not because his dark blue eyes delved deep into mine like they were looking for something. “I just didn’t expect that. You seem so….”
“What? You don’t think I’m capable of love?” I hissed.
“Whoa, no slow down, I was going to say closed off. You have this huge wall up and I personally have found it impossible to get passed your defenses. All I meant was that, I would like to meet the man that could.” He shot me a smarmy smile through his short beard and I found myself softening once again.
Ok, he was charming. I could give him that.
He recognize when I had reigned in my inner bitch and pressed, “So did you leave him back at The Colony? Or was he from somewhere else?”
And then ice cold reality set in and I blurted the truth, just like I did whenever someone asked me where Logan was. “He’s dead.”
Vaughan sucked in a sharp breath and then stuttered through some noncommittal sounds before falling silent again.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have dropped that on you,” I hastened to apologize. I was terrible with talking about this- in fact, I never did talk about it. Back home, my daddy was more than happy to let this truth stay buried in the past where he had in fact buried it. But Vaughan was the second person I’d spilled my guts to about this and my words and feelings were still much too intense and awkward as they came out.
“No, its fine,” he assured me. “I just wasn’t expecting it. I never would have teased you if I’d known.”
“I know,” I whispered. “It’s just, I’m still getting used to telling people about the whole thing. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it back home. But I know it’s awkward. I just, I also know we’ve all lost people we loved. So, anyway, I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” Now I was stuttering.
“So it was a Feeder?” he asked carefully.
“No.”
“I’m sorry, if you don’t want to talk about this, I shouldn’t be-“
“It was my dad.” The confession fell out of my mouth the same way it did with Reagan. It wasn’t just Logan I wasn’t used to talking about, it was my daddy too. Back at The Colony, I never breathed a word of dissension against my father. There would have been painful, heart-wrenching consequences if I had. My father found out everything- absolutely everything. And then he knew just how to make your life a living hell to get back at you. Miller and I had been the victims of his reform on more than one occasion.
Vaughan didn’t say anything, or try to interrupt again. He just waited for me to come to terms with what and how much I was going to tell him. Finally, I said, “Logan and I were high childhood sweethearts. Grew up together, fell in love before we even knew what love was. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first, well, everything. We had always planned to get married and run away to a big city or something together. It didn’t really matter where we ended up, we just wanted to be together and get away from Caster Springs. That was the name of our little town before it became The Colony.” I cleared my throat and focused on the important details. “Anyway, instead of going to college right away, we stayed home to work for a year and then we were going to get married and go off to college together. He worked for my daddy and I had a good job at the school in the secretary’s office. It wasn’t much, but we were so young that all we could see was hope and possibilities.”
I paused to rein in my emotions and Vaughan filled in the blanks, “And then the infection happened.”
“Yep.” I let the word pop on my lips and pulled my knees to my chest so I could hug them. “We weren’t hit right away. I remember watching the news and seeing entire cities crumble. And we were just this little town in Arkansas that nobody paid any attention to.
“My daddy started organizing right away. And people listened- Logan listened. We stayed there because we didn’t have any other option, but also because we didn’t think we needed one. By the time the first Feeders wandered into Caster Springs we were more than ready. Then contact with the outside world stopped; food, gas, clothing stopped coming… communication went down everywhere. Well, you know what happened. And there we were trapped in that town. People started listening to daddy like he had the answer for everything. And he started believing he did.
“Things continued to deteriorate as people gave my daddy more and more control over every one of their decisions. He formed his militia, set up patrols, built barricades and fences. And then one night, one of the boys on patrol fell asleep and let a Feeder get right by him. He wandered into town and bit this man named Mac Hensley. That’s when everything changed. My daddy decided the boy that fell asleep needed to be punished. And the town agreed with him, they were pretty torn up about the incident. Mac was a deacon in the Baptist church before the infection. He was this guy everyone looked up to and respected and then he changed in hours from being a Sunday school teacher to wanting to eat people. It was traumatizing for us all. Still, I knew we were lucky. We were blessed to have only had one casualty when the rest of America was burning. Anyway, the majority of people gave my dad the right to punish the kid- his name was Isaac Craw. He was just eighteen. Just a year younger than me. Logan had played football with him.” I paused as I thought that over, how it still shook me up, still wrecked me.”
Eventually, I came back to the story, “My dad decided that true justice meant a life for a life. Isaac would have to be shot in order to atone for Mac. And because the rest of the town was just stupid enough and in just the right amount of crippling fear they agreed. But then nobody could do it. Nobody could find it in themselves to actually kill this kid. I mean, he was a nice guy. He worked at one of the other farms, went to church, was on the student council. He wasn’t a murderer. All he’d really done i
s make a stupid mistake in an upside down world. That didn’t seem to matter anymore. The people were blood thirsty for their insane justice. Since nobody could do it, my dad took it into his own hands. First, he shamed us for being so weak, for not recognizing the glory in justice. Then he brought us all out to the middle of Main Street and had us watch while he held a gun to Isaac’s head. I thought I would die right along with him. I was so shocked and appalled that this was my father I didn’t even know what to do! Logan forced me to be quiet about it. Made me promise not to say anything. He was struggling just as much as me, but he saw what I hadn’t yet- that the town was willing to do anything for my father. They had almost deified him in their worship. Logan knew we wouldn’t solve anything- that we’d just be brought up there with Isaac. Still, I wonder sometimes…..” That crippling grief wrapped around my chest again. I still could barely believe that this was my story- that this happened to me.
I shook my head and got back to the story. That was a different issue, different guilt for a different day. “At the last minute my dad dropped his arm and let the gun fall to his side. I remember feeling so happy, so relieved. This was my daddy. My daddy didn’t kill people, didn’t punish people by taking their lives. My daddy would never do something like that. But then he turned around and I knew something changed. Because it was not my father that was in that stranger’s face. He walked around to Isaac’s back and pushed him to his knees. Even though his hands were tied behind his back and he was a weeping mess, he had been allowed to stand during his execution. Now on his knees he was sobbing hysterically and begging for mercy but the town just looked at him. Just looked at him and listened to my daddy.
“Eventually he had Isaac gagged so he could be heard over Isaac’s hysterical sobbing. He said that just putting a bullet in Isaac’s head wasn’t enough of a punishment. If we were really taking a life for a life, then Isaac should be forced to face the same fate as Mac. He said that Isaac should be made a Zombie before he died.” Vaughan choked on that. I watched his hands clench and unclench into fists through blurred vision and I realized for the first time that I was crying. I pushed on, since my story was just beginning. “And the people listened. Again. They immediately took off and captured a Feeder. Logan finally spoke up, finally said something. But by then it was like the town had been brainwashed or something. And my daddy wouldn’t even listen! He just told the crowd how Logan wanted to spread injustice and how Logan didn’t believe that what Isaac did was wrong. He had the militia lock Logan up in the school with Isaac while everything got set up and I swear to you those were some dark moments for me. I pleaded with my daddy to spare Logan, promised that he didn’t really mean anything by it. It was just we weren’t used to this and Logan liked Isaac. They were friends and all. Finally, he said he would just leave Logan there over night, that he wasn’t going to make him go through what Isaac was because Logan’s offense wasn’t nearly as bad. I wanted to argue that Logan hadn’t done anything wrong! That he hadn’t committed an offense at all! But I was just so relieved he was going to be Ok, I couldn’t bring myself to push my dad’s buttons. I couldn’t even bring myself to fight for Isaac. I just wanted Logan to be alright.