Switching off the light, I stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind me, feeling as though I was closing the door on something else more important: my future as a Dark Guardian.
FOUR
The ominous silence followed me up the stairs to the room I shared with Kayla and Lindsey. In a way, I wished I'd come here immediately and faced Kayla and Lindsey at the same time—instead of taking my detour with Connor. Kayla would have the same questions. I just needed to be stronger this time and keep my horrid secret to myself. As quietly as possible, I opened the door. The room was dark except for the moonlight coming in through the window. But there was a presence, a charged electricity—
"Brittany?" I saw Kayla's shadowy silhouette popping up in bed, and suddenly light flooded the room as she switched on a lamp.
I didn't try to hide my surprise at the sight of Lucas rolling into a sitting position, pulling his T-shirt over his head. I knew now what I'd felt when I first walked into the room: steamy passion. Lucas combed his fingers through his hair, while Kayla slipped the shoulder of her tank top back into place.
"Uh, aren't there rules against this, even between mates?" I asked lightly, hoping that by joking they wouldn't sense something was wrong with me. Only married mates were allowed to share a room. It was a little comforting to know even our leader didn't follow rules.
Kayla was blushing when she scrambled off the bed and came toward me. "Lindsey left and it's so hard to find time alone.. .Lucas just got here. Honest. If we'd known you were coming back tonight"—she shook her head—"I've gotta have a hug first and then I'll apologize."
Before I could respond, she flung her arms around me. "We've all been so intensely worried about you, afraid you wouldn't survive. Lindsey especially. Lucas and I were just talking about sending out search parties tomorrow."
"Yeah, I'm sure you guys were talking," I teased, as I hugged her tightly, needing the support if not for the reasons she thought.
"We were, in between kisses," she assured me.
When we broke apart, I forced a cocky smile and shrugged. "Don't know what the big deal was. It wasn't nearly as bad as everyone implied it would be."
I was grateful Lucas was there. If he hadn't been, I might have dropped my guard and told Kayla the truth. Her joy over my return had taken me by surprise—I hadn't expected her to be so worried or so glad to have me back safe and sound. It made me wonder if maybe I'd misjudged how much she cared for me. In some ways it made it more difficult because if I was part of the inner circle, it was going to be more painful if I lost that sense of camaraderie.
"Still, I wish you would have let someone go with you. I mean, you just left, headed out without telling anyone. The elders were a little freaked," Kayla said.
I couldn't imagine the elders getting freaked about anything having to do with me—or anything else for that matter. They were always impossibly calm, as though excitement had long ago left their lives. I looked over at Lucas. "Thanks for not sending anyone to follow me."
"Figured if you wanted someone with you then you would have taken someone," Lucas said.
"Appreciate the show of confidence." I really wanted to change the subject and I needed him to know what I discovered. "You should know, on my way back, I ran across a snare."
Lucas went all still, the same way Connor had. "Bio-Chrome?"
I bit my lower lip. If I'd shifted, my sense of smell would have been heightened enough that I would have known for sure. "I think so. I saw Connor before I came inside. I told him about it. He's gone to check it out."
Lucas nodded with obvious satisfaction. "Good. He'll get to the bottom of it."
He ambled over, giving me an intense once-over as though he was looking for tufts of fur. "You sure you're okay?"
So much for thinking a change in subject would stay changed. "Absolutely. Why wouldn't I be?"
He arched a dark brow, because I was being stubborn. "I don't think any she-wolf has gone through it alone, at least not in recorded history. The elders are probably going to want to talk with you."
Great. That's just what I want.
"I'll be around," I said more easily than I felt. I decided one more time to end the subject. "It's done now." After tossing my backpack on the bed, I pointed at each of them. "And you two are done as well."
Kayla wrapped her hand around my arm, the way people did when they were going to deliver bad news and thought the person hearing it might need to remain standing. "When you saw Connor, did he tell you about Lindsey and Rafe?"
"Yeah."
"Big surprise, huh?"
"Not totally." She and Lindsey were tight. I liked Kayla but I didn't feel a sisterhood bond or anything. I wondered how much of that had to do with whatever was messed up in my Shifter genes. "Last summer when you met Lindsey, you felt an immediate connection, didn't you?"
Kayla had been adopted by Statics, raised away from Shifters. Last summer she'd returned to the forest—our forest—where her birth parents had been killed.
"Yeah, I did. It was kinda weird, but comforting at the same time." Giving Lucas a soft smile, she blushed. "Although I'll admit the connection I felt to Lucas scared me."
"Why?"
"It was like getting hit with a baseball bat or something. I was thinking about him all the time. I wasn't sure he even liked me."
"What's not to like?" he asked, slipping his arm around her and drawing her up against his side. That he was crazy in love with her was written all over his face. I figured the only reason they weren't playing tonsil hockey was because I was standing two feet away. Time to make my exit.
"I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm tired and grungy," I told them. "I'm going to hit the shower and then bed. Don't steam up the room while I'm gone."
Lucas grinned wolfishly. He'd always been so dark and brooding that it was strange to see this lighter, almost teasing side of him. Even with all our troubles, Kayla could make him smile.
"I'll wait up for you," Kayla told me, "and we can catch up some more."
"Not necessary."
She gave me a funny look. I wasn't usually this antisocial, but neither was I the buddy type.
"I'm just really tired," I told her; even though she hadn't asked I could see the question in her eyes.
Before I started making more excuses and maybe raising suspicions, I went to the bathroom, closed the door, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked the same. Even knowing that I would, I was still disappointed.
But so far I'd passed the inspection of three Shifters. If I could fool the ones I worked with and saw every day, I could fool anyone. Maybe even myself.
The next morning, with my head buried beneath my pillow, I mumbled something about needing more sleep when Lindsey and Kayla were getting dressed, so they'd leave without me. I didn't want to have to endure any more scrutiny or questions.
When I went down for breakfast, the dining room wasn't crowded. It was large enough to accommodate families when we had our annual gathering. Now, only the Dark Guardians and a few Guardians-in-training were hanging around Wolford.
I saw Kayla and Lucas sitting at a table alone. She caught my eye, smiled, and pointed to an empty chair beside her. I shook my head. Lindsey and Rafe were also at a table alone, but they were lost in each other and not paying attention to anyone else. Ah, newly discovered love. They had a lot of lost time to make up for. A few other Dark Guardians—those who had faced their first full moon and novices who were still anxiously awaiting their magical night—were scattered throughout the place. They smiled at me and gave me a thumbs-up. I'd survived. I'd made it. Yay me.
I walked to the sideboard where the buffet breakfast was set out. I heaped scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast onto my plate. Then I sat at a table by myself. I wasn't up to answering questions about how my transformation had gone.
Too bad I hadn't sent out a mass email alerting people to back off.
Three novices were suddenly surrounding my table. Mia and Jocelyn were sixteen
, Samuel seventeen. Guys didn't have their first transformation until they were eighteen.
"You did it'" Mia said, fairly bouncing on her toes. Her blond hair was short and feathered in little delicate wisps around her elfin face. She was the only Shifter girl I knew who didn't keep her hair long. "Do you know what this means for the rest of us? We don't have to choose our mate before the transformation. Your courage has given every girl freedom'"
My courage? Was she kidding me? I hadn't been alone because I wanted to be. I was alone because the only guy I'd been interested in was interested in someone else at the time.
"How bad was it really?" Jocelyn asked hesitantly, and I knew it was because she was aware that Shifters didn't openly discuss the first transformation with someone they weren't tight with. It had a mystique.
Jocelyn's reddish brown hair hanging straight down her back reminded me of autumn leaves. She and Samuel had their fingers laced together. He'd claimed her during the summer solstice when our kind always got together to celebrate our existence. She wasn't going to be going through it alone.
I looked back over at Mia. Would I be condemning her to death if I made light of things? I truly had no idea how bad it might be.
"I thought I was going to die. I don't recommend going through it alone." At least I'd spoken the truth.
Mia's jubilant face fell. "But you survived."
"Just barely." I felt mean saying that but what choice did I have? I didn't want her death on my conscience.
"But if I started to prepare like you did—"
I cut her off. "You've got another year. You might have a mate by then." Hadn't Lindsey said almost the same words to me, trying to reassure me that I'd be okay? I hated being deceitful. It was only a few days ago that I had been making the same arguments as Mia. But now I knew better. Or, at least, that it wasn't that simple.
"I think it's archaic that we have to have mates," Mia said stubbornly, jutting up her small chin.
"Gee, thanks, Mia," Samuel said. "Some of us like the traditions."
"And some of us don't. Look at all the technology we have. Get with the program."
"Enhancing our security using technology has nothing to do with how we should uphold our traditions."
"It has everything to do with it."
"Guys, now isn't the time," Jocelyn said with obvious irritation as though she'd been forced to sit through the debate a thousand times. She smiled at me. "We just wanted to stop by and talk to you. We think you're awesome. It would be kinda creepy to just…touch you, wouldn't it?"
The next thing I knew they'd be auctioning my crumpled napkin on eBay. "Definitely creepy."
With a last nod at me, they walked away, laughing and tittering, and glancing back as though they still couldn't believe that I was breathing the same air as they did. There were so many ramifications to what I'd done that I hadn't given any thought to most of them. Who would have thought that anyone except me would have cared that I went through it alone? And how was I to know that by lying about all that had happened, I'd suddenly be carrying a heavy responsibility on my shoulders?
I was a Dark Guardian. I was supposed to protect these people. I should stand up in my chair, get their attention, and announce the truth of what had happened. I was debating the pros and cons of that action, considering how mortifying it would be, when a shadow fell over my plate. My heart hammering, I jerked my gaze up, hoping to see Connor. Instead I saw Daniel, the guy with whom the elders had tried to set me up. He gave me a warm smile. I smiled back. No hard feelings. He was a nice guy, but we'd both accepted from the get-go that we weren't going to make it as a couple.
He set his plate on the table and pulled out a chair. "Glad to see you didn't need me after all," he teased.
"Everyone keeps looking at me like I'm a freak." Or maybe that was just my imagination because I knew I was one.
"You're a legend. Although I have heard that a few guys are worried that the need-a-mate myth might be challenged by other girls."
"Yeah, I got a taste of that a few minutes ago when some of the novices stopped by to drool over me. Honestly I don't know whether to be flattered or appalled by the idea that I may start a trend."
"Most people would relish the limelight." "I'm not most people."
"You'll get no argument from me about that. So how was it really?"
"Probably the same as it was when you went through it." I was becoming quite adept at spinning things and avoiding giving direct answers to questions.
"Terrifying, but awesome?"
"Exactly. So what's been going on since I left?" I asked, anxious to change the topic.
"Not much as far as I can tell. In case you haven't heard, Lucas called a meeting to bring us up to speed. We're to head to the council room as soon as we're finished with breakfast."
Daniel began talking about some of the things they were learning about Bio-Chrome, the company that had researchers trying to capture and study us. I was only half listening. I'd been part of the sherpa team that had led them into the wilderness earlier in the summer before we knew their objective. I knew all I needed to know about them. Mason Keane and his father—who was in charge of the project—were certifiably insane.
As Daniel's melodious voice droned on—he was apparently unperturbed by the fact that I wasn't an active participant in the conversation—I didn't know why I hadn't taken more of an interest in him. Like most male Shifters, he had a raspy voice—the better to growl with. He was the only Shifter male I knew who wore his hair buzzed close to his scalp. Which I thought was a shame because his eyes were an emerald-green that I thought would have looked stunning framed by his black hair. His face was animated as he talked, and I knew he couldn't wait to confront the bad guys. But I just couldn't concentrate on him.
Maybe because I was acutely aware that Connor had arrived. Even though I couldn't see him. I was experiencing the kind of sensation that wild animals did when they sensed a change in the environment and all their senses went on even higher alert. The flight or fight response. Usually we fought. My awareness of him gave me hope that maybe I was simply a late bloomer.
As nonchalantly as possible, I glanced over my shoulder. Connor was at the sidebar, filling his plate. I wanted to watch him. Even the way he scooped eggs was sexy. I wanted to know what he'd discovered when he went searching for the abandoned campsite. I wondered if I should invite him to join us. Before I could decide, he strode past and settled at an empty table.
Ouch' I tried not to grow concerned that in following my trail, he may have also somehow detected that I hadn't shifted.
I turned my attention back to Daniel, but I felt Connor's gaze homing in on me. The hairs on the nape of my neck prickled, but in a good way, causing my fears of discovery to dissipate. My hair was arranged in its usual no-frills, long braid, because today we'd be tending to Dark Guardian business. Part of me wished that I'd worn it down, but going for the feminine look had never been my style. I was all about projecting a tough image, even when I didn't feel very tough. Maybe that was another reason that guys didn't flock around me.
I didn't want to be rude, so I tried to concentrate on Daniel. But I was very much aware of Connor studying me. Even though he wasn't doing anything except eating, he kept drawing my attention like a magnet. Whenever my gaze shifted over to him, he didn't look away. If anything he appeared irritated. Was he upset that I was enjoying breakfast with Daniel? Or was he still angry about being the first Guardian in generations to lose his mate? But if that was it, why was he looking at me and not Lindsey?
Daniel launched into a funny story about some campers he'd recently guided into the forest, making me laugh. I discreetly observed Connor out of the corner of my eye. He was scowling. He did look away then, and I felt this strange sense of triumph. Could he be jealous? My heart gave a small unexpected leap at the idea.
There were other Shifter girls waiting for the arrival of their full moon who would need a mate. Would he turn to one of them, or was he sensing
the same thing I was: an inescapable connection, as if there were a rope bridging us, tautening and pulling us together. Was he as confused by it as I was?
My gaze drifted back over to him. I'd always liked him, but his attention had always been on Lindsey. Now that he no longer had a destined mate, was he finally taking notice of me?
"And then the squirrel ran up my leg searching for nuts."
I nearly spewed my coffee and my eyes went wide as I jerked my head around to stare at Daniel.
He gave me a wry grin and chuckled. "I thought that would get your attention."
"I've been listening."
"No, you haven't." He gave a meaningful nod in Connor's direction. So much for my subtle observation. "But I can't blame you for wondering about Connor. We're all wondering."
"Wondering what?"
"What exactly happened with him and Lindsey and Rafe—out there in the woods, during the full moon. None of them are talking."
"It's not really anybody's business, is it?" My words came out tarter than I'd meant for them to, but I didn't like people gossiping about my friends. "Sorry," I said quickly. "Didn't mean to snap at you like that, but well—"
"I know. You're a team. It creates a bond. I shouldn't have said anything."
Lucas, Kayla, Rafe, Lindsey, Connor, and I were a sherpa team. We usually worked together to lead campers into the forest. But our bond, our friendship, went beyond that. Although Kayla was new to our group, the rest of us had gone to school together. Daniel had just moved here from the Washington State area. They had Shifter sanctuaries out there, but everyone wanted to be skilled enough to be selected to protect the Wolford area. It was, like, the capital of the Shifter world—at least the North American contingent.
"Would you feel better if one of our best guardians was dead?" I asked. While the challenge should have meant a fight to the death, we'd evolved, become more civilized. Surely.
Daniel blushed. "Okay, I get it. Not my business. Anyway, I'll see you at the meeting."