"Yes, he's a wonderful son," Mama said. "A very unselfish young man."
"But doesn't he get lonely here though. Sarah? A boy that age should be out among his peers, even though I don't approve of the way teenagers conduct themselves these days. A boy this age still needs to socialize, don't you think? He should be thinking more about girls. too. I don't mean to poke my nose in where it doesn't belong. I'm just impressed with him and want what's best for him, for both of you."
"You're not poking your nose into any forbidden places. Dave. Yes. Noble should get out more. I suppose it's my fault. I don't encourage it enough, but he's been introverted ever since we lost Celeste."
"Yes, I know how devastating that must have been. The police never found any clues?" "Nothing. It was like a ghost had taken her."
"How horrible for you, for you both."
"Yes. You have to remember Noble lost his father at a young age. too. They were so close. I can see him to this day standing on that front porch for hours waiting for my husband's truck to appear, and when it did, the joy in his face was electric. Those eyes lit up like stars. He absolutely idolized his father, and to see him die when he appeared so strong... well, it shook Noble up something terrible."
"I understand."
"The combination of those losses was very, very traumatic, Dave. The only time he started to emerge was when he met your son. I was tempted then to permit him to attend public school. He was making such an improvement. I wanted it to continue."
That was a lie. Why was she telling him such a thing?
"I know. I wish I had encouraged their friendship more. I see that now," Mr. Fletcher said. "I was a fool to listen to all the gossip about you."
Its understandable. You were new in the community and you had just been through a bad marriage. Here you were with two teenagers. Why shouldn't you be extra-cautious?
"Anyway," Mama continued. the tragic death of your son, his one real friend, was another devastating blow. I had my hands full just to get him to go out and tend to his chores, much less return to the stream to fish or walk through the forest. He went through a period when he did believe the nasty gossip about us. We only could bring harm and catastrophe to anyone with whom we had contact. It turned him into a real introvert, made him afraid of getting too close to anyone. I did the best I could, the best I could."
I heard her sigh deeply.
"I know he belongs in some sort of professional therapy, but for now I'd like to keep trying to help him myself. There's enough of a stigma on him just being my child, much less to add all the connotations that are acquired when a person goes into therapy, and don't think it would be kept secret. Not in this community of busybodies."
"I understand. Maybe, if you permit. I can get him out and about, take him fishing perhaps, go on hikes."
"I'd like that, but we have to move slowly."
"Yes, of course. You're a terrific woman. Sarah. I haven't met anyone with as much understanding, tolerance of people, and sympathy for them as you have. You have such a contentment about you, such a spiritual balance."
"I am who I am."
"Well. I for one am glad you are who you are."
They were quiet for a long moment. They couldn't be just sitting there looking at each other.
They're kissing, I concluded. It was as if I could see through the walls. They had embraced. She put her lips close to his and they kissed.
I turned and as quietly as possible went back upstairs to my room. I closed the door and, with the lights off. went to my bed and lay there staring into the darkness.
In the room below. Mama and Ir, Fletcher were probably still embracing, kissing, perhaps doing much more by now. Such imaginings sent my mind reeling back through time. I was in the forest again. I was alone and I was free to be who I was. I had taken off my brother's clothes and unstrapped my breasts. The cool air was refreshing and my body tingled with such pleasure, I nearly came to tears.
Then I heard a branch crack.
It was more like a clap of thunder.
I opened my eyes slowly, and when I looked up. I saw Elliot standing there gazing down at me, his mouth twisted, his eyes wide. I felt every muscle in my body freeze. His lips moved, but for a few moments nothing came out, no words, no sounds. He looked to be having trouble swallowing. I was still, deathly still. Finally he spoke.
"You're a girl?" he asked, to confirm what his eyes were saying.
All of it, all that followed, returned with a vividness that made me moan aloud. I could feel him inside me, his hands all over me. I was helpless, trapped in the deception my mother had made me assume. She had put me in harm's way, I thought. It wasn't my fault. None of it was my fault. It would never be my fault,
"No," I heard Daddy whisper. "It's not your fault. princess."
I turned and I saw him standing there. He caressed my face. He leaned down and kissed my cheek.
"What she's doing is wrong," he said, nodding at the floor and what was happening below. "She's making a big mistake. Try to stop her. Try."
"She won't listen to me." I moaned.
"She will if you try," he insisted. "You must do it for all of us. Celeste, all of us." "I'll try," I promised.
He began to back up. "Try," he urged. "Try."
"Daddy!" I called, but he was absorbed into the wall and in a moment was gone. Was he there? Did I wish for him so hard that I imagined him there and heard him say the words I wanted to hear?
Below I heard the sound of the piano. Mama was playing again. It was soft and lovely, the sort of music that would beguile an unsuspecting soul. I drifted off, then woke to Mama's calling up to me.
"Come down and say goodnight to Dave. Noble." she told me when I rose and went out to the top of the stairway. "It's not polite to withdraw without saying good-night to our guest," she added with firmness.
I scrubbed my cheeks to wake myself and descended the stairs. Mama waited a moment to be sure I was coming, then she went back into the living room.
"Oh, she didn't have to disturb you, Noble," Mr. Fletcher said, standing when I entered.
"It's all right. Good night. Thanks for coming," I told him, unable not to sound mechanical. rehearsed.
Nevertheless, he smiled. "Maybe one of these days you and I can do some fishing. Doesn't have to be in the creek. I hear Masten Lake is pretty good for bass. What do you think? Do you know it?"
I looked at Mama and then nodded.
"Great. I'm going to have all of you over to my place soon. Of course, we'll arrange it so your mother does all the cooking." He laughed.
He started for the doorway and I stepped back. He paused and extended his hand. "Night. Noble."
"Good night" I said, shaking his hand.
"Man. those are callused palms. You're working him to the bone, Sarah."
Mama laughed and followed him out. She stepped onto the porch and closed the door behind her. I was just about to the top of the stairway when she returned.
"Noble," she called.
I looked back and she walked into the living room. What did she want? I started down again.
You did well," she said, sitting on the settee. She smiled. "It wasn't as hard as you thought it would be either. was it?"
I didn't know what to say, so I just shook my head. She leaned back and looked up at the ceiling.
"You know what he said to me tonight? He said two people like us don't belong alone. Together, we could make a whole new life for ourselves, far the children."
"What did he mean?" I asked, unable to hide my fear.
"What did he mean? What did he mean? How can you be so clever at times and then so stupid at others? It was as close as he could come to asking me to marry him. That's what he meant."
"But... what did you say?" The very idea of it was terrifying.
"I didn't say anything. Noble. A woman doesn't leap at a man's first offer. She doesn't make herself sound desperate or even that interested. Instead, she fills him with doubts so his own confidence dw
indles."
"Why?"
"So he knows that when a woman says yes, if she does, its a woman's decision, fully, and it's a woman's gift. That way," she added, turning her tone darker and gazing down at the floor. "no matter what happens, its his fault."
"You're not thinking of saving yes ever, are you. Mama?" I asked, thinking of my promise to Daddy.
"Of course, I am."
"But I thought all you wanted was to have him blamed for fathering Celeste.. You said people are thinking that already. Why do you have to carry this any further?"
"What did I tell you about challenging my decisions, their decisions," she emphasized, her eyes wide and full of gathering rage.
"Maybe it isn't their decision. Mama. Maybe you're hearing the wrong voices, evil voices pretending to be good." Never before in my life had I dared make such a suggestion to her, but it seemed a reasonable way to disagree.
She lifted her head and turned her eyes toward me so slowly, it made my blood cold. Her eves grew smaller as she scrutinized me.
"What are you saving? Who have you heard? 'Who has been visiting you, Noble?" she asked quickly.
I took a deep breath and sat on Grandfather's chair. How careful my words had to be. "I've seen Elliot," I said. "I've heard him, too. He's warned me that if you continue with his father, he will have more power to do us harm."
For a long moment she looked as if she was considering what I had said. Some hope
filled my heart. Then her expression of suspicion returned and she looked at me hard again.
"Did he come into this house?'
I started to shake my head, but my eyes were already saving yes. She nearly jumped at me. He did, didn't he? 'When?"
"When you were away with Mr. Fletcher."
She smiled, but it was not a warm smile. The smile was carved out of ice.
"What did you do. Noble? What did you do to him entry into our world? Tell me!" she screamed.
"Nothing."
She shook her head. "You might as well wave a flag with the words I'm lying written on it in my face," she said softly. "You know that. Well?"
It was suddenly hard to breathe. I felt as if the walls were closing in on me, and as they moved toward me, the air thickened and thickened, squeezing my ribs. I looked about frantically.
Daddy, I thought. Daddy, where are you? I need your help. Why aren't you here? Daddy? You came to me so quickly before. You told me what to do. Please. Daddy. I need you. She'll listen to you. Please.
I looked about frantically.
Mama's eyes darkened. She turned and looked toward the windows where I was looking, then she fixed her eves back on me.
"Whom are you looking for, Noble? Who is supposed to help you?"
I didn't want to tell her about Daddy's visit and what he had said. too. She would accuse me of lying to get out of being caught in a lie,
"Nobody," I said quickly.
"Then answer my questions, Noble. What did you do to weaken our walls?" she demanded.
"Nothing."
"You're lying again. I repeat, what did you do? Ill find out anyway. Its better if you tell me, better if you begin to purge. yourself. Noble, Well?"
She was right. I couldn't lie to her, not now, not with her bearing down on me with those eyes.
"I... I was just curious."
"About what?"
"About your makeup, your clothes."
Her face brightened with the blood that rushed up her neck and into her cheeks. There was so much fire in her eyes that I couldn't look at her. I shifted mine toward the floor and waited like someone anticipating a whip snapping on her back.
You used my makeup again? You put on my clothes?"
I didn't reply. When I was younger. I had experimented with her makeup after spying on Betsy when the Fletchers had first moved next to us.
She nodded, a new look of calm on her face, but calmness in her now was even more threatening.
"I want you to go up to your room and remain there until I tell you to come out again," she said.
I knew what that meant. Oh, how well I knew. "No, Mama. please."
"Ill help you," she said, continuing her reasonable tone of voice. I kept shaking my head,
"I don't want you touching the baby, talking to her, even looking her way until I say it's all right to do so, even after I let you come out again."
"Mama, no. please..."
"Go upstairs. Noble. I'll bring you something soon."
I had to tell her; I had to tell her everything and take the chance.
"Mama, listen to me. I didn't see only Elliot. Daddy came to me. He came to me tonight. He told me you were making a very big mistake."
She smiled again, that same chilling grin.
"That wasn't your father. Haven't I told you many, many times that evil can assume a pleasing identity to get us to put down our Guard?"
"It was Daddy. It was."
"You're such a fool, I do worry about you. Without me, what would happen to you?" She leaned toward me and in a hoarse whisper said. "It was your father who brought this whole plan to me."
She sat back again. nodding.
"That's right. This didn't just come out of thin air. He was the one."
I shook my head, but she continued to smile at me as if I was the one very, very mistaken.
"I wondered why you weren't seeing or hearing him for so long. When I asked him, he told me not to worry about it, but this explains it. You had darkness in your heart. You had doubt. Without the faith you cannot cross over. Noble. You cannot be with our aood family spirits.
"It's my mistake," she said. "I have been concentrating on all this so hard, I missed the signals."
"Mama..."
"Go upstairs. It will be all right." Then she smiled again, but warmer. "Think. If this .wasn't right, would Baby Celeste have been so charming, so delightful and loving toward Dave?"
"That's because he's her --"
"What?" she cried, again nearly leaping at me, her eyes stretched so wide. I thought they would tear at the corners. "What?"
I shook my head and looked down,
"Go upstairs. Now!" She stood up and hovered over me.
Tears streaked down my cheeks. but I didn't realize it until they began to drip from my chin. I tried to swallow, but my throat felt as if the sides of it had turned to rock. The strapping around my bosom tightened.
"I can't... breathe. Mama."
I tried to stand, but as soon as I did. the room began to spin. I reached out to steady myself, but nothing was there to take hold of. Mama didn't grab me either. She let me fall back. I thought I was falling through the chair. through the floor, through the very foundation, falling into that grave that haunted me so. The last thing I remember was her glaring at me hatefully.
Then I blacked out.
When I woke. I was in my bed. How had she gotten me up the stairs? I wouldn't have been surprised to hear her tell me my daddy had brought me to my room. I was still dressed but the blanket had been tucked in the sides of the bed so firmly, it was like a straitjacket. I struggled with it. The effort made me nauseous and I had to stop and lie back awhile. A black candle burned in the window, throwing a wavering glow over the walls and the shut door. Shadows wriggled like worms on the driveway, stuck and desperate to move on. There was nothing to do about my situation at the moment, nothing to do but sleep.
The darkness flooded over me again. I slept so deeply that I was beyond the reach of dreams. It was the sleep of the dead with only the muffled sound of footsteps on the surface of graves.
Hours and hours later, the morning light confused me, and for a minute or so. I just lay there gazing at the blue sky and the clouds I could see through the window. I looked down and saw the chamber pot Mama had given me for Baby Celeste and me in the turret room. The sight of it put the panic back into me. I tried to bolt upright and struggled to throw the blanket off me. I was still dressed in what I had worn the night before. I turned to look at my clock and saw it was
gone.
I rose and went to the window. From the way the sunlight washed over the forest and grounds. I concluded it was late in the morning. I hurried to go out. It didn't surprise me to find my door locked. I rattled it and called for Mama. Then I listened hard. The house was too silent. I rushed back to the window and opened it so I could see where our car was always parked. It was gone.
I stepped back from the window and recalled everything that had happened, all that I had said to her and she to me. Mama was purging me again. I saw she had left me water, but nothing else. Where had she gone? How long would she keep me in here? What ceremony would she put me through now, what herbal panacea?
There was nothing for me to do but wait. I didn't want to drink the water. I didn't trust anything, but I was too thirsty and eventually relented. I had to use the chamber pot as well. I had no idea of how many hours went by, but the sun's movement and the shadows below told it was considerable. Finally. I heard our car approaching the house and rushed to the window to see Mama driving with Baby Celeste in a car seat beside her. I waited until she had entered the house. then I called and pounded on the door.
She didn't come up immediately. She remained below doing whatever it was she was doing. Finally, I heard her ascending the stairway with Baby Celeste, talking to her softly.
"Mama!" I screamed. "Please, let me out now. I promise I'll be good,"
She paused then she went on to Baby Celeste's room. I listened_ and when I heard her footsteps again. I knocked on the door.
"Stop making all that noise. The baby's taking a nap," she said. "I'll bring you something in a few minutes and well empty your chamber pot."
"I want to go outside. Mama."
"Of course you do." She was standing right outside my door. "But its not you so much as what's inside you. Noble," she added in a loud whisper.
"No. Mama. no. I'm all right. I promise." She didn't reply. I heard her walk off and descend the stairs. Pounding on the door and crying out would do no good. It would make it all worse. I knew that from the times before when she had done this to me. I had to find the patience and convince her she had corrected whatever it was she imagined had gone wrong.