‘Pray good person. Watch. The buttocks of the opponents join and each reaches backwards between his legs to grasp his hold. They are ready. I give the signal. The seconds scrutinize for irregularities. Twisting must be anti clockwise. Yanking or fast twirling is an unfair manoeuvre. Bligh fights in honour of the Madonna of the Spud, Ah the screaming has commenced.’
‘Eak. I’ll twist your balls off.’
‘Ouch. I’ll twist yours off.’
Bent double sweating under oxsters, scapulars trembling, the antagonists swaying on the wet stones. L K L up and down bouncing against the vast arse of Bligh. A breeze blowing. The ocean thumps. Candles flicker behind the lantern glass. Up the tunnel a shadow. Lady Macfugger. Allouise come to view the bell ringing. For men only. And hear the agonised roars of pain.
‘You little bastard you’ve greased yours. I declare a foul.’
‘You big electro magnetic despicability you’ll have a cunt for sure when I’m finished.’
‘I give up I give up. Foul.’
Bligh holding his trousers, tears in his eyes, led past Lady Macfugger. A sad small voice from his lips.
‘You’ll excuse the exposure and I’m sorry to have been of inconvenience to you madam.’
‘Sweet of you to apologize but I am tight enough not to mind.’
Hair ashimmer she leans against the wall sweet of breath. Lanterns go shadowy up the stone steps. Between us darkness. Her face close. Could touch it with my hand. Touch it. Along the jaw line. It bends up under her ear. By a cold lobe. The smoothest softest of skin. Press Kiss.
‘Careful you might spill my drink. But ah Mr Clementine you do amuse don’t you. All quite startling. I do believe that genitalia were on display.’
In all their
Glory
As well
As a tricky
Pair
In all their
Grease
12
That night. By a back stairs. Clementine holding the long fingered cold knuckled hand of Lady Trudy Macfugger. Stumbling upwards in darkness. To somewhere. A room hoped unknown to the many uninvited who might come foaming in. Dragging someone else. And them tugging others. To a jamboree of holy ecstasy. Of mouths over other mouths and over anything.
We lay on damp tattered eiderdowns. Proceedings here by smell. Like Elmer. Who went by having a doggy time tail wagging between the firbolg. Inside the door I fell over him. Lady Macfugger fell over me. He licked our faces. With a long lapping tongue. Recent events blind one to new dangers. One wet and one warm. Elmer peed on us both.
Lady Macfugger wrestling for release. From my arms around her. Made Elmer bark and growl. Never likes to be left out of the action. We were nearly having. On the wide floor boards softened with the bedcovers various.
‘My God I am an animal lover Mr Clementine but really this is not on. Haven’t you got that dog house trained.’
‘Only in four rooms.’
‘I’m wet.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I must be sponged off. Immediately.’
‘Please don’t go. This is the first civilized moment I’ve had. I’m desperate.’
‘Civilized. When I’ve been peed on. Good lord.’
‘So have I, went all over my leg.’
‘Well, it’s all over my lap. The wretched stink. I happen to be another man’s wife.’
‘You gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.’
‘I most certainly did not. My grip was quite loose. I’ll admit I was intrigued. Naturally one’s lower feelings are aroused. By such savagery. But I can scarcely believe it. Two grown men pulling each other by their organs.’ ‘You said you wanted to see my balls.’ ‘I did not.’ ‘Yes you did.’
‘I merely asked if you would think it awfully rude of me to ask to see them. I did not in fact ask. Good lord I can see my own husband’s any time I want.’
‘That’s good.’
‘Yes it is, isn’t it. And if I did encourage you it was because I just happened to be out of humour with Jeffrey. I don’t pretend to enjoy standing around while he amuses himself in front of me with a woman twenty years my senior and of quite another class. I know why he does it. He’s fond of big tits and mine are quite small. We all have our ulterior motives. I perhaps was ever so slightly interested in your testicles. Simply because Jeffrey, and I wish you wouldn’t call him Nails, can never stop talking about them. Does that satisfy you. What a particularly horrid awful smell your dog’s pee has.’
‘He can’t help it. It’s his big kidneys.’
‘You do seem to invite awkwardnesses. For no earthly reason you accused Veronica of having the pox. When the poor woman had merely gone to your room to borrow a book.’
‘She was stark naked on roller skates under a parasol.’
‘What a distressingly ungallant thing to say.’
Elmer chewing something in the corner. His favourite is tortoiseshell toiletries. Hear distant outcries. Long moaning calls. Of man or beast. Or the tunnel to the sea. Percival said that when certain doors were open in the castle a wind blew. And once sent someone flying out and down into the deeps. A titbit for the great conger.
‘The wool of my dress makes the smell even worse.’
‘Take it off.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Please.’
‘Is it to get rid of the smell or are you carnally intended.’
‘A little of each.’
‘What is it about me that fascinates you.’
‘It’s all of you.’
‘How disappointing. I’d hoped it might be something special, my eyes or lips or something. But how dreary, the whole of me.’
The ammonia smell. Paining the nostrils. A thump thump passing the door. Could be Bloodmourn on his crutch. Might ask him to help. To keep tabs on the castle. Said he has experience in accountancy. Bankrupted three companies with his book keeping. But now he knows for sure how to avoid the pitfalls. Elmer growls. Maybe at a mamba long green and motionless unseen in the dark. Ready to sink fangs. As I get a whiff of Trudy’s scent pressing my nose behind her ear. Seems years ago I climbed down steps in a moist fresh early morning breeze to the ship’s tender waiting in the harbour. Taking me ashore bumping on the tide. To this land. Full of grumbling hunched figures scurrying through streets. Children thronged dirty faced and barefooted in the doorways. Women huddled in shawls whispering. Great swarms of bicycles stopped by a white gloved policeman. Out of side-streets and into nowhere a female pipe and drum band paraded by. Passing away down between the dark buildings. The music gone. The world wet and grey. And me agog with wonder.
‘Apropos of nothing at all What were you just thinking about.’
‘You.’
‘I’ve got to get out of this dress. Do you mind.’
‘I’d like it.’
‘Naughty. But my God what will Jeffrey think. He’ll wonder how I got peed on.’
‘Elmer can pee that high.’
‘Can he.’
‘Certainly.’
‘O good. Can we be found here.’
‘Only if someone comes up that staircase from the kitchens. And tries forty doors.’
‘Who is that dark haired girl with the blue eyes.’
‘Charlene, she helps cook.’
‘She doesn’t know how to keep her place. Distinctly felt her giving me hostile glances. There I am bare.’
‘No you’re not.’
‘Well nearly. It’s chilly. It’s as far as I’m going to go for the moment anyway. Until you say something flattering.’
‘I like your voice. It’s beautiful in the dark.’
‘Is it.’
‘Yes.’
‘One gets so tired of the word beautiful. Couldn’t you say my timbre makes you tremble.’
‘Everything in this place does that to me.’
‘Since I don’t then perhaps I’d better leave.’
‘Don’t. Please. It’s the truth. Every morning I wake the blood starts pu
mping into my brain and my temples begin to throb. Imagining some new disaster. Someone plummeting stepping over one of Percival’s danger lines. Solicitor’s letters, poison pen letters. Bills.’
‘But you’re awfully rich Jeffrey says.’
‘I have exactly four pounds and some odd shillings.’
‘How can you afford to keep this huge place with a large staff and an endless stream of guests.’
‘Everything’s on tick.’
‘What about wages.’
‘They said not to worry. They like it here.’
‘Good lord. Well that’s all right. Very sporting. But do be careful, you may find things missing, silver and so on. After all the smiling is over they can be a supremely tiresome people. Would you mind awfully. I can’t find the entrance to your privates. Good lord how many pairs of underwear have you got on.’
‘Four.’
‘Why.’
‘I’m cold.’
‘I’ve got them. Are these them.’
‘Yes.’
‘They’re quite warm. How wonderful. After two you know three are so much more interesting.’
Elmer’s claws scrabbling. Somewhere behind something. Lady Gail Allouise has sharp elbows. And long fingernails. Weighing up the hidden treasure. Six and a half ounces. Nails might come blasting in any moment behind twin forty fives just as she has them balanced. Wasn’t all that bad in that world back there over the seas. Maybe a tiny apartment only having a corner window over the lake. My own tropical fish bubbling in the foyer. A girl friend who comes and cooks on friday nights. Both lie in bed with big mugs of coffee on Saturday morning. Each might own little doggies. Walk them together. Sit and listen to music. One’s life handy sized and tidy. Hot water throbbing through pipes. Splashing warmly. Instead of this pee cooling coldly.
‘A photograph of these would be marvellous for Veronica’s scrapbook. You’d have a place of honour. There’s genitalia page after page. You wonder who they belong to. Quite amazing to find out. Men who are otherwise quite robust with little ones. She did Jeffrey in colour. I was aghast. No one could mistake him with his red hair. Good lord one doesn’t want others to imagine what one is getting from one’s husband. It makes you feel good when I hold them like this. Men love comfort. So does dear Jeffrey. I quite find myself forgiving him anything. Upon our first introduction he said in quite ringing tones, heard by my aunts who make honey in the country, here’s a good old cow’s arse. He took no notice except to give me a pinch now and again. What excited him was my money, which he discovered I had before I did. He’s so awfully frightened by poverty. Gets really quite hysterical about it, rampaging all over the house. Once fired all the grooms and gamekeepers. When I hired them back he stood in the hall totally rigged out in mountain climbing equipment, a pack on his back. I said Jeffrey whatever are you doing. He was shaking his fist saying by God we’ll live on the roadside as itinerants if we have to. And all because one of my maiden aunts had just left me two hundred and sixty thousand pounds instead of three hundred and ten which poor old Jeffrey had counted on. He is a dear one. I’ve talked quite a lot haven’t I. But you know I somehow was raised that not to make conversation with someone right next to you was rude.’
A shout through the castle. Voices raised. A commotion. Sound of Erconwald. Calling out. Good person. Good person. Distress. Distress.
‘Lady Macfugger do you hear what I hear.’
‘I think so.’
‘Someone is shouting distress.’
‘Yes. What could it be.’
‘The possibilities are encyclopaedic.’
‘Good lord you’re not going. Leaving me in a state of dishabille.’
‘I’ve got to. Someone might have fallen in a well.’
‘At least have the courtesy to embrace me before leaving.’
‘Certainly.’
‘O God I’m a failed woman. Hold me please. You’ve simply got to seduce me. Couldn’t we just do it quickly. Jeffrey says I’m cold. I don’t really in the least care what went on with you and Veronica. I know she caught you with another gentleman who was, to put it in my school girl Latin, in puris naturalibus.’
‘I beg your pardon. He was not quite.’
‘Honestly I don’t mind. Jeffrey has always said that buggery with a beautiful man was quite bestirring.’
‘Now wait a minute.’
‘O let’s not please bandy words. Take me.’
‘God there’s another cry, someone must be in mortal peril.’
‘They’ll last somehow. People always come crawling up out of wells. I’m all ready.’
‘I’ m not.’
‘It was hard a second ago.’
‘Gail. May I call you Gail.’
‘I wish you would.’
‘Gail in the nervous state I’m in. I don’t think I could manage a quick one. Couldn’t I come back when I see what’s wrong.’
‘And leave me here in the dark. Peed on. Chilled.’
‘O God. For Christ’s sake I can’t stand this whole shit and caboodle any longer. God damn it This place is driving me out of my mind.’
‘What are you doing.’
‘I’m breaking this damn thing standing in my way.’
‘For God’s sake be careful you don’t strike me.’
‘I’ve had enough.’
‘You haven’t had any. If I may suggest. And someone is going to hear you shouting.’
‘It’s my goddamn castle.’
‘Well you are, aren’t you. Quite the one. You’re behaving just like Jeffrey. And it’s most wounding. When a woman offers you her body as I have.’
‘You could have been quicker.’
‘That wouldn’t have been nice. Please why don’t you just shut up and lie down here next to me.’
‘The shouts are getting louder. They must be up in the northwest turret.’
‘Where are we.’
‘Mid way between northwest and southwest turrets. But don’t count on it.’
‘I’m aquiver. It would be so much more suitable if I were fighting off your advances.’
‘You would be, honestly. I swear. But you have no idea what goes on here. It’s a nightmare. I want this to be a normal castle.’
‘You mustn’t allow things to get you down. You must turn your head and look the other way.’
‘That’s exactly what I do and it’s always where the next disaster is.’
‘Is this nice running my finger very lightly along the underside.’
‘Gail it is. It really is but I’ve got to go. I know by the sound that it’s terribly serious. Erconwald never raises his voice.’
‘But it’s getting hard.’
‘Please Gail. I’ll come back.’
‘O God Mr Clementine, or Clayton or Claw, I’ll never get up my nerve like this again.’
‘You will.’
‘I know I won’t. I’ve led an entirely sheltered life. Do you know what it’s like to be raised by a nannie with three under nannies.’
‘No. Just with one nannie.’
‘Well I can tell you that straight from that to a girl’s school there’s been little opportunity to know men.’
‘I could be back in just a minute if it’s nothing serious and then we could talk about this.’
‘My breasts are quite good you know.’
‘I’m sure they are.’
‘How do you know when you haven’t felt one. Give me your hand. See.’
‘Gail I mean it. I really mean it that I want to come back and feel. But this could be something I’m going to be sued about. I’d only be wretched and not at my best. You wouldn’t want that would you.’
‘Yes. And there’s something I could do. No I couldn’t. No I won’t. I’m glad I didn’t say that.’
‘Say what. What were you going to say.’
‘No I won’t say it. It would be just too humiliating.’
‘For God’s sake, come on. Tell me. They might be getting closer.’
‘We
ll I could give you money.’
‘Could you.’
‘Yes.’
‘How much.’
‘Something quite substantial. If you are in the terrible predicament you say you’re in. I would like to help you. Dear me, you are subsiding again.’
‘I can’t help it. The thought of money gives me a whole new landscape of images. That’ll have to go away before it comes up again.’
‘That’s Jeffrey. That’s his voice.’
‘O boy.’
‘We could be found.’
Clementine stiffening. Along the hair follicles. And down the spine. The voices echo. Rebounding in the courtyard. Up over the battlements. Worrying far out in the night. Shouted on the loneliness creeping over the dark mountain. And far away along the coast.
‘Gail I really think there is something wrong. And to save my own skin I’ve got to investigate. I’d like to come back and talk about my financial predicament with you.’
‘That’s all very well. But if I am giving you money. I ought to come first.’
‘You will, honestly. But a little later.’
‘Do you mean that.’
‘Yes.’
‘I feel I’ve failed.’
‘Good heavens you’re beautiful and rich.’
‘You don’t understand. Veronica has no money. And for seventeen years she’s never had less than forty different men a year. Don’t you understand. That’s six hundred and eighty men. I’ve only had my cousin when I was six and he was seven and we didn’t know what we were doing. And then Jeffrey was next. That’s at best one and a half men.’
‘I wish I could help. I really do, Gail. Someone saved my life once. I know what defeat feels like. Here let me wipe your eyes. You’re crying.’
‘I’m sorry. I have no right to trouble you with my complaints. It’s most inconsiderate of me. I thought the morning you came into the Porcelain Room caught in the morning light that you had a most beautiful profile. I realized I could give myself to you. And break my vows to Jeffrey. He’s quite literally trampled his own to me. I still worship him though. But he’s gone up other women and I don’t see why other men should not go up me.’