He hangs onto my hips as he slams into me. With every jerking motion, with every time his body crashes into mine, I get closer. And then he’s shouting and hammering into me over and over. I can’t take it any more. I fall over the cliff like I’ve been pushed and I close my eyes, enjoying every second of the drop to the bottom.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I’M GROUCHY THE ENTIRE WAY to Brooklyn from my apartment.
“I don’t want to go.” I say, getting more and more attached to the idea of running away, the closer we get to Jeremy’s house.
Rob smiles, turning the wheel of his BMW with one hand, his other resting on the gearshift. “You said you’d come. I distinctly remember looking down at your gorgeous ass in the air and watching the words come out of your mouth.”
I reach over and slap him on the chest, my face burning with embarrassment. “You tricked me. I meant come as in have an orgasm, not come with you to spaghetti dinner.” Frowning, I stare out the front windshield. I really, really don’t want to go. I’m not just putting on an act for him to sex me up and convince me otherwise. I’m not ready. I can’t face them. I can’t see Cassie yet. It’s going to hurt too much. My heart is still broken.
“All’s fair in love and war,” he says.
“Why does this feel more like war than love?” I mumble.
He reaches over and takes my hand. “Hey, that’s not fair. You know I’m doing this out of love, right?”
That word hurts. A sharp pain jabs me in the chest. “Love for whom?”
“For you of course. For your family.”
Did he just say he loves me or was that just an expression? A slip of the tongue, maybe?
“Whatever.” I don’t care if he really loves me right now. All I can think about is seeing that sweet baby being held by Sarah or Jeremy and how much it’s going to hurt. I won’t be able to watch it. I’ll run out of the house and turn it into a great, big, stinking mess. At least with me staying away no one has to deal with it head-on. Staying away seems like a really good idea. My fixer upper’s just a few miles from here…
At the next traffic light, Rob pulls my hand over and kisses it, leaving his mouth there until I finally look at him. His eyebrows go up.
“What?” I finally say. I can’t resist that look in his eyes and stay silent.
“Please just trust me. Everything’s going to be okay. I promise.”
I pull my hand away and stare out the window. I will not cry today. I won’t. I can control my emotions, even if I can’t control the fact that I’m in the car and headed somewhere I don’t want to go.
We pull into my brother’s driveway ten minutes later, and I remain in the passenger seat, refusing to get out.
Rob comes around and opens my door, taking me by the hand and pulling. “Come on now. Time to go inside. It’s cold out here.” He gives me a pained look when I just sit there. “Please?”
I sigh heavily but swing my legs out, using the helping hand he’s offering to get up from the low-slung car. I won’t look at him, though, and as soon as I’m on my feet, I let go of him.
He stops me as I try to walk by, putting a hand on my shoulder.
“Hey.”
“What?” I look up at him, my expression cold. He deserves this. He tricked me into coming and bet on my blossoming love for him being enough leverage to get me to here. It worked. I’m here, but I don’t have to be happy about it.
“Would you try? For me?”
My mood makes me wicked. “Just because we’re fucking now doesn’t mean you can manipulate me into doing what you want me to do whenever you feel like it.”
Now he has me in both hands and he’s bending over to look me right in the eye. “Whoa, whoa, whoa … where is this coming from?”
I shrug my shoulders to get him off me. His hands fall away and he takes a small step back.
“Where do you think it’s coming from, Rob? Did you really think you were just going to take me to a bed and breakfast, show me a good time, and then I’d just follow you along like a little puppy for the rest of my life?”
He steps back another pace and stares at me, his expression going pained. “Is that what you really think I did?”
Now I feel terrible, but I’m still angry and hurt enough to keep being a bitch. “Maybe. What else could it have been?”
“Oh, I suppose it couldn’t have been the fact that I love you and want to be with you, could it? No, of course not. Never mind the fact that I’ve been dreaming about being with you for almost ten years!”
His face is red and he’s yelling now. I want to stop him, but I can’t. He’s on a roll.
“You think this is all about you? That you’re the only one with skin in this game? The only one with feelings on the matter? That you’re the only one taking a risk? Well, think again, Jana! Think again!” His arms start waving and jerking around as he yells. “James has been my best friend for the better part of my life. He’s been with me through thick and thin … through losing my parents, through Val and Brian, through you and Cassie. He’s been there, and by being with you, I risk that friendship. He might never talk to me again after tonight. James… the guy who’s been like a brother to me. But am I going to walk up those stairs and pretend like I just gave you a ride over here? Hell no. If you want to? Fine. I’ll play along. But if it’s up to me, I say fuck it. Let’s just live our lives the way we want to and say screw you to whoever doesn’t like it! If James decides to cut me off, oh well! I think you’re worth it!”
“Are you finished?” I ask in a small voice. My heart is breaking in two all over again, and this time it’s not from pain. He said he loves me. He meant it. He’s willing to risk everything just to be happy with me.
“Yeah! Pretty much!” He’s still yelling, but his anger seems to be dissipating.
I walk over, loop my arm through his and start walking to the front door.
“What are you doing?” he asks, sounding tired.
“Facing the music. You ready?”
He stops and turns toward me, his expression anguished. “Are you sure? Now I feel bad that I pushed you into this. You’re not ready, are you? We can wait. I’ll cancel.”
The door flies open and Leah is there, her face shining with happiness. “Hey, guys! You made it! Are you coming in?”
We look at her and then each other. I face her after I see the pleading look in Rob’s eyes. “Yes, we’re coming in.”
“Awesome. Come see Cassie’s new dress I got for her. You’re going to die from all the cuteness.” She holds the door open, oblivious to the stress that’s already eating me alive.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
WE WALK INTO THE FRONT hall and relieve ourselves of our coats. I’m so temped to keep mine on, entertaining a short fantasy that I’m going to walk in and say hello and then leave. But no such luck. Cassie’s there on the floor and Leah’s fawning over her and waiting for us to oooh and ahh over the lacy dress she bought for her.
I have to admit. It is pretty darn cute. “Where did you get that?” I ask, bending down to see the detail on the front bib part. “The embroidery is amazing.” Little bunnies are dancing with little chicks on a pink background.
“I know. She’d better not barf on it.”
I stroke Cassis’s soft cheek, pulling her attention away from her toy cell phone. She sees me and smiles. “Moo!” Her pudgy hands go out and she strains toward me.
My heart cramps, but I pick her up and hold her close, taking the cell phone toy away so I don’t get bonked in the face with it. “Yes, your Auntie Moo is here. Did you miss me?” I whisper in her neck as hug her. “I missed you something terrible.”
Rob comes up behind me and peers into the baby’s face. “Hello there, Cassiopeia. Did you miss your Aunt Jana?” He tickles her and she wiggles to get away.
“I’m Auntie Moo, not Jana. Pay attention.” I move around to help her avoid him.
Rob responds by playing peek-a-boo behind my back, sending Cassie into peals
of laughter.
“I thought I heard grown-up voices in here,” Sarah says, walking into the room.
I bounce Cassie, suddenly worried she’ll want Sarah and not me. I have this insane need to be first in this baby’s eyes and heart, even though I know it’s not fair or good for her. Sarah’s her mother now, not me. I need to let go, but it’s so damn hard.
Sarah smiles at me, but keeps her distance. “You guys good in here? I just need to keep any eye on the sauce.” She turns to leave, only hesitating long enough to get an affirmative nod from me before going.
Leah walks up and strokes Cassie’s back. “That was for your benefit, you know. Leaving you in here with Cassie.”
I close my eyes and let out a sigh. “I know.”
“She doesn’t mean you any harm.”
“I know, Leah. I don’t need you to tell me that.”
Rob’s voice intervenes. “Let’s just give Jana some space tonight, okay?”
Leah holds up her hands. “I am. I will. I’m not pushing.”
I look at my two friends and do my best to smile so they know I love them and I don’t hold any bad feelings toward anyone. “I’m okay. I’m going to be fine. I just need a little time and some spaghetti or something.”
Rob smiles at me warmly.
“Ew,” Leah says, scrunching up her nose. “Is spaghetti code for sex or something? That’s weird.”
I start laughing so hard at the expression on her face I can’t stop.
“What?” Rob is confused, which only makes it worse.
“I’ve heard of men calling their thingies weird names, but a spaghetti noodle? How can that possibly be a compliment?”
I have to put Cassie down on the rug. I’m afraid I’m going to drop her, I’m laughing so much.
“Did I miss the joke or what?” James asks, entering the room from the kitchen.
I clear my throat to answer, but Leah beats me to it. “You don’t want to know, trust me.”
Rob finally catches on and jumps in. “No, wait, you’ve got it wrong, Leah. That’s not what she meant.”
“Sure, babe. Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.” She gives Rob an exaggerated wink.
James frowns. “What secret? Why do I feel like I showed up late to the party?”
Leah hugs him. “Babe, all in good time. Just be patient.”
James looks from me to Rob and back to Leah. “Why do I feel so confused right now?”
Rob walks over and slings his arm over James’s shoulders. “Because we are trying like hell to keep a big secret from you, and we’re doing a terrible job of it.”
James pulls away and looks at him funny. “What? What secret?”
I can’t believe Rob’s actually going to tell him right now. Shouldn’t we get through the appetizers first, at least? But then as he starts to talk, I’m glad. Maybe James will pitch a fit and we’ll be able to leave before I have to see Jeremy doing the daddy thing. Even thinking about it makes me hurt again.
“James, your sister and I have something to tell you.” Rob puts his arm around my waist and pulls me near.
James shakes his head slowly, two red blotches showing up high on his cheeks. “No.”
“Yes.” Rob nods. “It’s happening.” He points to me and then him. “This is happening.”
“No, it’s not happening. I told you before…”
“Hey, Rob. Jana. When did you guys get here?” Jeremy walks into the room after pounding down the stairs. He stops when he gets next to his brother, and everyone but James looks at him.
“What’s going on?” Jeremy asks, looking first at me, then at James. “What’d I miss?”
Leah walks up and stops in the middle of all of us. “Only the best gossip since I got knocked up!” She’s grinning from ear to ear.
“Leah…” James is reaching for her, but she grabs his hand and rests it on her belly.
“Shush, Boo. Let me handle this.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says, his mood still dark, but his hand on her belly definitely acting as a distraction.
“Sure it is. I’m the only one here with a cool head.” She turns her attention to Jeremy as she flops her hand out toward Rob and me, like she has an invisible platter resting on it. “So, you see, Jana and Rob here, have finally decided to stop dinking around and playing games and get together.”
“What?” Jeremy looks completely confused.
“Yes, you heard me right. They are together. A couple. How else can I say it?” She looks up at the ceiling and then smiles again. “Oh. I know. They are getting it on like donkey kong, know what I mean?”
“Okay, that’s enough.” James pulls her to him and wraps his hand around her neck as if he’s going to hug her but then covers her mouth. “You shush now and let someone else talk.”
She frowns at him but lets him continue to manhandle her. As I watch them, it’s becoming clearer to me why these two are together. As odd a couple as they seem, it somehow works. Thank God, because his only other long-term affair was with Hilary and I would never want that chick as a sister-in-law.
It reminds me of Rob’s confession, and I look from him to my brother. Does James know about Hilary going after his best friend? He’ll never hear it from me. Their long-term friendship is already looking iffy over this affair with me.
“You two?” Jeremy asks, pointing at Rob and then me. “Since when?” He’s smiling, thank goodness. I guess I don’t have to worry about him.
“Since very recently.” Rob turns a stern expression on James. “I know you told me to stay away, but I couldn’t. Not after doing it for ten years.”
Leah’s mouth drops open and she yanks James’s hand away. “Ten years? Damn. That’s a long time to keep it in your pants.”
“Leah, dammit!” James turns on her. “That’s enough!”
She drops her head and looks up at him with a you-must-be-crazy expression on her face. “Seriously?” She’s completely unfazed by his temper. I almost laugh at the spectacle, but get a grip on myself just in time.
James is ashamed now, I can read it all over his expression and his body language. “No, I’m sorry. I just …” He runs his hands through his hair. “I can’t deal with this right now.” He leaves the room with long strides, disappearing into the dining room.
“I’ll go talk to him,” Leah stage-whispers, leaving the room as fast as she can waddle.
“I’ll help,” Rob says, following close behind, leaving me alone in the room with Jeremy.
Cassie crawls over and grabs onto my pant leg, using it to stand. She wobbles on her two feet, looking up at me. “Moo.” She reaches one hand up, but the combination of all her new moves cause her to lose her balance and she falls onto her butt.
Jeremy looks at me as I lift Cassie up into my arms. “She misses you.”
“Oh yeah?” I close my eyes as I sniff her precious head. “I miss her too.”
“You don’t have to stay away, you know. We want you here.”
I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak. I’m going to cry, I know I am.
Jeremy continues. “I know it’s hard for you. I know you hate me and Sarah.”
I open my eyes, needing to fix this. “I don’t hate you or Sarah. I wanted to, believe me.”
Cassie reaches up and pats my cheeks. “Moo. Moo moo.”
Tears rise up, much as I’m trying to will them away. “I just miss her too much, you know?”
Jeremy steps closer, rubbing his daughter’s back. “Of course you do. You were her mom for nine months.”
Cassie leans over for her father, basically doing a suicide dive to get there. I barely hang onto her bottom half as he grabs her and takes her into his arms. She opens her mouth and leans in, taking his entire nose between her teeth.
“Thank you for the kiss, Cassie. No biting this time.”
I start to laugh when I suddenly recognize the small cuts on his chin. “Tell me she didn’t eat your face.” I point to his boo-boos
.
“Oh yeah, she did. She’s a monster.”
Memories come flooding back. “Oh my god, she bit me on the shoulder so hard one day I cried.”
“Try getting a chunk of your chin removed.”
We both gaze at her, our eyes full of love. “I’m so sad that Laura missed out on all this,” I say, a tear sneaking past my defenses. I wipe it away as quick as I can.
“Me too,” Jeremy says, his voice suddenly rough. “But she’s here. She’s experiencing it from wherever she is.” He looks at me, his eyes glowing with pain and happiness at the same time. “I really believe that.”
I nod. “Me too. She was a force of nature. If anyone can visit from the spirit world, it’d be her.”
Jeremy looks at the ground and then back at me. “Sarah and I would really love it if you’d come around more often. I swear. She mentions it more than I do. Please don’t hate her.”
I can’t stand the sound of his voice and the look on his face. I grab him and Cassie in a hug. “I don’t hate her. I don’t hate anyone. I’m just really sad. I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.”
“You haven’t been mean,” Jeremy says, hugging me back. “You’re being human. I just hope you can forgive us and let us back into your life.”
“Forgive you?” I pull away to look at him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Are you sure you really feel that way? You were pretty angry. At Robinson too.”
I shake my head. “I’m over that. I wasn’t being fair. I get it now. The most important thing is that Cassie’s safe and happy, and I know she is. She’s where she belongs.”
A voice comes from the kitchen. “Soup’s on!”
We turn toward the dining room, just as a loud crash comes from somewhere in that direction. Jeremy shoves the baby into my arms and runs from the living room with me right on his heels.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
I GET INTO THE DINING room just in time to see Leah bonking her boyfriend upside the head with a baguette. James has Rob in a headlock and they’ve already knocked over two chairs.