I tried again to jump to my feet, but Ethan didn’t let go.
“Will you just stop?” he asked, his voice a little calmer, though it looked like it took a lot of effort. “You’re putting words in my mouth.”
“You don’t need to say the words for me to get the message. If you could see your face right now, you’d know I’m getting it loud and clear.”
“Loud, maybe,” he said with a snort, “but obviously not clear. Let me explain this again: I’m not mad at you.” I opened my mouth for an outraged protest, but he spoke over me. “Stop being an idiot! I’m mad at myself, not at you.”
That surprised me enough to shut me up.
Ethan let go of my arm, then jammed his hand through his hair, probably pulling a few strands out along the way.
“Don’t you see, Dana? I fell for the Erlking’s stupid trick. I was so full of myself and so eager to impress you that I had to jump in and play hero when I should have known better. And because of that one stupid mistake, I’m now bound to him forever, and you’re stuck in your devil’s bargain. Way to save the day, huh?”
He was so upset he turned away from me to punch the arm of the sofa. Good thing it was heavily padded, or he might have broken his hand.
My rage and hurt eased as I considered what he’d said. I suspected he wasn’t telling the whole truth when he said he wasn’t mad at me, but I believed he was a whole lot madder at himself. I swallowed back some of the fiery emotions and took a deep breath in search of more calm.
“If it hadn’t been for you,” I pointed out, “I’d have been dead weeks ago, when Aunt Grace threw me into the moat.”
He shrugged. “So I did one thing right. I’ve done too much else wrong to feel good about that.”
Tentatively, I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “You know that so far, you, me, and Kimber have all blamed ourselves for the Erlking capturing you?”
Ethan blinked at me in surprise. “What?”
“I felt bad because if I’d never come to Avalon in the first place, you’d never have been put in that position. Kimber felt bad because it was her idea to be sitting out on that patio, and she left us alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad and Finn blame themselves, too. After all, if they had stayed closer instead of being nice and giving me a little space, the Wild Hunt wouldn’t have been able to cut us off like they did. Maybe we all need to lighten up on the blame game.”
Ethan thought about that a long time, then let out a long sigh.
“All very reasonable,” he agreed. “But easier said than done.”
I tried a feeble laugh. “Tell me about it.”
He finally slid over next to me on the sofa, then put his arms around me and held me close. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of him. For a few minutes, I was able to lose myself in the sensual pleasure of being held. The hurt and anger that had flared in me died down, leaving something vaguely resembling peace. I knew it would be short-lived, but I reveled in it anyway.
Ethan’s cheek rubbed against the top of my head. “Are you sure you’re not my girlfriend?” he asked softly.
The question made my belly flutter pleasantly, but it also dispelled the peace that had settled on me. I pushed myself out of his arms so I could see his face.
“I’m not such good girlfriend material these days,” I said.
Ethan smiled at me. There was warmth in that smile, but not the same warmth there had been before the Erlking got hold of him. His smile was older, and somehow sadder now.
He brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “I’ll be the judge of that. And I say you’ll do quite nicely.”
My throat tightened with longing. “You say that now, but let’s be realistic. I can’t ever … go all the way with you. Not unless I’m willing to hop in the sack with Arawn first, and that’s just not happening.”
“No, it isn’t,” Ethan agreed through gritted teeth.
“How long can you really imagine being with a girl who can’t sleep with you?”
He put on his most stubborn expression. “Sex isn’t everything.”
I truly believed he meant it. I also believed he would eventually get frustrated and change his mind. He’d already proven that he wasn’t willing to wait for me, even when I didn’t have the Erlking’s bargain hanging over my head. No matter how many times Ethan told me Tiffany didn’t matter to him, I would always remember the blatantly sexual way they’d danced together at Kimber’s party. Ethan had been with me only a few days before, and had acted as if I was the love of his life, but that hadn’t stopped him from dirty dancing with her. That wasn’t the behavior of a guy who’d be satisfied in a relationship doomed to remain without sex. If I let myself fall for him any harder than I already had, he was going to break my heart.
Ethan cupped his hand around my cheek. “Don’t give up on me. Please.”
“I’m not giving up on you. I’m just—”
“Then say you’ll give me a chance. Give me a chance to prove you’re way more important to me than sex. I’d rather have you without the sex than any of the girls I’ve been with before with the sex.”
His words were perfect, and yet … I’m a realist at heart. I wasn’t going to fool myself into believing Ethan and I had a shot in the long run. No matter what he said, I knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with me forever under the circumstances. I would save myself a world of future pain if I could just find the courage to end this now. All I had to do was ignore the longing Ethan stirred in me. Ignore the way looking at him made my heart flutter and my skin heat. Ignore the intoxicating reality of being wanted by a guy who I’d thought was out of my league.
I couldn’t do it. No amount of common sense or willpower could convince me to say no to Ethan. Maybe I couldn’t have him forever. But I could have him for now, and that would have to be enough.
Without answering him in words, I settled myself back into Ethan’s embrace and turned my face up toward his. His shoulders sagged in relief, and his eyes shone with emotion. He lowered his head to mine, and when our lips touched, all my worries and cares faded into the background where I could pretend to ignore them. I vowed I would make the most of whatever time we had together, and I told myself that the inevitable heartbreak wouldn’t hurt so badly because I was prepared for it.
Maybe I’m not as much of a realist as I’d like to think.
Also by Jenna Black
glimmerglass
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
SHADOWSPELL. Copyright © 2010 by Jenna Black. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Black, Jenna.
Shadowspell / Jenna Black.—1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-312-57594-6
I. Title.
PS3602.L288S53 2011
813'.6—dc22
2010037871
First Edition: January 2011
eISBN 978-1-4299-7498-1
First St. Martin’s Griffin eBook Edition: January 2011
Jenna Black, Shadowspell
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