Tony clicked on his and I clicked on mine. It was more of the same for both of us. Urgent messages to come home. Bad stuff going on with our parents.
“So what do we say to them?” I asked. “Should we make them the same, like they did?”
“No,” said Tony, master chess player, “we need to make them different and normal-sounding. Don’t let them know that we know about each other’s emails. I’m going to time mine to be sent a few hours from now, so they won’t go out at the same time. We want them to think we’re not in on each other’s business.”
I started typing. “Good idea. I’m so glad you stuck with chess club all those years.”
“Yeah, me too,” said Tony, squinting at the screen as he furiously typed out his message and then started clicking all over his account to set up the delayed sending option.
Tim started reading my message out loud, helping me edit, “Dear Mom. What’s wrong? Are you sick? Do you meed me? You have to change that to an ‘n’, Jayne. Need, not meed.”
I clicked over and fixed it while he continued.
“I hope you’re not sick. Can’t Rick the total dick help you?”
“Jayne, I don’t think you should put that in there.”
“I know. A girl can dream though.” I went back and deleted the part of the message I really wanted to have in there.
“Can’t Rick help you?”
“Sign it: Love, Jayne,” urged Tim.
“Why?” I was grumpy. I did love her, but she didn’t make it easy. I almost wanted to punish her and not say it. Maybe use ‘sincerely’ instead. Seeing Rick’s name in print had brought back many of the unhappy feelings that tended to crop up between my mom and me.
“Because. If it’s really her, and she really needs you, you’ll feel bad if you’re mean.”
“No I won’t.”
Tim flew up into my face. “Jayne, mommas are sacred. Even when they screw everything up, they still deserve your love. Without her, you wouldn’t be you.”
“Pfft. Right.”
“Or look at it this way. Without her being who she is, you wouldn’t be here with me today. And we’ve both already agreed about how lucky you are to be my roommate. So, hey. What about that?”
I smiled at him, holding out my hand so he could settle himself in my palm in front of my face. “You’re right. I’m glad she’s an asshole.”
“That’s the spirit!” yelled Tim, smiling like a loon. “Now put it in the email. Love, Jayne. Do it.”
I went ahead and followed Tim’s orders, realizing as I typed that I was doing a lot of that lately – letting this little squirt of a man boss me around. I guess it wasn’t all bad. He might be vain, goofy, and gassy – but he was pretty perceptive. Pixies were good with more than electronics.
“Okay, all set,” said Tony, clicking three more times to shut his account off. “Ready to go cut some hair? I could use a trim too.”
“Are you serious? Do you not remember the humiliation last time? My skills got worse, not better, with practice.”
“It’s okay. We have witches with brews and charms here.” He smiled big at me.
I smiled back, shaking my head. “Okay then. Haircuts it is.”
“Um, Jayne?” asked Scrum, shyly. “Would you mind doing mine too?”
I looked at him warily. “Uh. Yeah. But you have to wash it first. With shampoo. Lots of it.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. Seriously.”
“Shampoo’s not good for your hair, you know.”
“Yeah, well, neither are lice or other creepy crawly things that avoid clean heads. So that’s the price. Shampooed hair or no haircut. You choose.”
Scrum thought about it for a second and then said, “Fine. I’ll go wash it while you do Spike’s and Tony’s hair.”
“Nicely done, Jayne Sparks, nicely done,” said Tim. “I just might put an application into the pixie hall of fame with your name on it for that smooth move.”
“Is there such a place?”
“No.”
I laughed. “Come on, spaz. Let’s go. Jayne’s House of Hair is now open for business.”
We all headed back to my room to start the makeovers, Spike already there and waiting with not only scissors and a comb, but also a cape and spritzer bottle filled with water.
I pulled Blackie and its strap and holster off my leg and threw it all on the bed, kicking my shoes off into a corner of the room.
“Okaaaay, batter up. Who wants to be the first one to be Jaynified?”
Chapter 14
Spike was my first victim. And when I say victim, I mean victim. He walked out of there looking like he had gotten into a fight with a chainsaw ... and lost. Not only was his hair a mass of uneven chunks, way too short in some places and way too long in others, but I’d also nicked his ears not once, not twice, but three separate times.
He left the room wishing the next person in my chair good luck, as he headed off to find the nearest witch with some healing brews and hairdo spells.
Tony sat down in the chair next.
“Tony. You can’t be serious. You saw what I just did to Spike.”
“Never let it be said that wrathes aren’t bad mofos,” said Tim. “You wouldn’t catch me in that chair after that chop job she just did on Spike.”
“Shush, Tim. Go to bed.”
“What? And miss all this entertainment? Not on your life.” He sat cross-legged on his bed, a front row seat from which to view my shame.
“Yeah, I know you’re worried you won’t do a good job,” said Tony, “but you’ve done mine before. You know my head.”
I laughed. “As if that’s going to make a single bit of difference. Come on. Get up. I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can. I believe in you.”
“Tony, this is not an after school special. Sucking at coiffing will not damage my self-esteem. I promise, I don’t need to be good at cutting hair. There are professionals out there for that.”
“I’m not leaving until you cut my hair. So hurry up. I’m tired.”
“Fine,” I said grouchily. I knew that when Tony put his foot down, which he rarely did, he meant it. The butthead was going to sit in that chair all night until I capitulated. I started spritzing his hair to get it wet. “But don’t blame me when it looks like a drunk, blind person did it. I will not go down with this ship.”
Tony steadfastly refused to comment anymore, so I got down to business.
I started cutting and eventually got into a rhythm. Tony was right about one thing – I did feel more comfortable with his head under my clumsy fingers. There was a familiarity to it. When I was done about fifteen minutes later, I viewed him from all angles. “Hmmm. Not bad, actually.” I smiled. “Take a look.” I pointed to the mirror.
He looked at one side and then the next, turning as far as he could to see the back. He smiled hugely at me, saying, “See! I told you, you could do it!”
“Believe it or not, I agree,” said Tim, suitably impressed.
I rolled my eyes at both of them. “Thanks, Tones and Tims. Now move out of the way so I can do something about all this hair.” Tony got up and stood off to the side, taking the chair with him, while I took a used towel, damp from my shower earlier in the day, and used it to gather the hair into a pile in the corner of the room. I didn’t have access to a broom or dustpan, so it was going to have to stay there until Netter came in the morning to clean up. I was probably going to have to give him double chocolate tokens to stay on his good side after this.
My door opened and in walked a very soggy-looking Scrum. Gorm followed him in, moving past us to pick a spot on my floor to lie down. Within minutes, his snores filled the room.
Tony put the chair back. “Have a seat.”
Scrum sat down. “I put myself in your hands. Do whatever you want. Something the girls will like.”
Tim started laughing, but I ignored him.
“I have to warn you – Spike left here in need of medical attention.
These scissors are pretty sharp.”
“I can take it. Just don’t take my ears completely off. I don’t think that will be good for finding a girlfriend.”
I laughed a little. “Leave ears on head. Noted.”
I looked at his hair, now drenched and hanging down from its normal puffy state. It was actually pretty long this way. I decided that he’d look good with short hair so I started chopping the hell out of it. I used my fingers as a guide for length and left him about an inch of hair all over. I used the tiny tips of the scissors to try and trim a close, straight line around the edges. I wished I had my dad’s old mustache shaver for that part, but I did the best I could with what I had.
When I was finished cutting I dug around in my dresser for the hair gel I had in there for Tim. He used the tiniest speck of it every day, which meant I had enough in there for about eight generations of pixies over several hundred years. I knew he wouldn’t mind if I used it on Scrum, especially now that Scrum no longer had a gnome-head.
I ran my gelled fingers through his hair, pulling the pieces on top into spikes as best I could. They laid themselves back down into gentle waves, but when I came around to the front, I could see that they suited him just fine. I was a little surprised actually. Scrum had gone from gnome-head to pretty darn-good-looking-head. The shock must have shown on my face, because Scrum got a little worried look on his.
“What? Is it bad? Don’t worry, Jayne. I won’t be mad. I take all the blame. Don’t be upset with yourself.”
“Pfft. I’m not upset with myself. I’m proud of myself. Talk about a makeover. Stand up and look at your bad self, Scrum. Those she-fae better watch out. We’ve got a lean, mean daemon machine on our hands.” I was playing it up a bit, but it was fun – and not in a mean way, which I’m ashamed to say was sometimes too much fun for me.
Scrum stood up, brushing the hair from his lap into a pile as best he could. I pulled the cape off him, as his eyes went to the mirror. His hand reached up slowly and touched the side and then top, bouncing off the gelled shell that had started to set.
“Wow. I ... like it. I actually like it a lot.” He turned his smiling face to me. “Jayne, thanks so much. It looks good!”
“Don’t act so surprised,” I said, flicking him with the comb.
“Well ... I have to admit ... I did see Spike out in the hallway after you were done with him. So I was a little ... uh ... apprehensive.”
I stood there with my hands on my hips. “So what’d you come in here for then, stupid? You saw what I’m capable of!”
“Yeah, but ... I’d asked you to do it, so it wouldn’t have been very nice of me to back out.”
I shook my head at him. “Tony. What are we going to do with this child?”
Tony smiled, bending down to shake Gorm awake and get him standing. They both began walking towards the door, Tony taking Scrum’s arm as he went by. “I don’t know. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”
I yelled at their backs as they went out into the hallway. “Stop being so damn nice all the time, Scrum! You’re going to get hurt!”
No one answered me back. It was just Tim and me in the room now. Tim and me and a giant pile of nasty looking hair.
“Netter’s going to be cranky,” said Tim.
“I know. What should I do?”
Tim pulled his pants off and threw them across the dresser where they landed precariously on the corner. This was standard procedure for him – seeing how far he could kick them to the edge without having them actually go over. He jumped into his bed, turning instantly onto his side facing away from me. “Dose him up with some chocolate. He’ll never even notice what a mess this place is.” Within seconds of finishing his sentence he was snoring, the sounds of sawing wood echoing around the room.
I slowly opened my top drawer, taking out fresh sleeping clothes and then removing a towel from the lower drawer. I had to have a shower to get all this hair and forest grit off me. Maybe if I made the water hot enough, I could wash off some of the gloom that still clung to me over those stupid emails.
I went into the bathroom expecting to be alone as usual, but the sound of giggles came through the door, just as I was about to push it open. I waited a second, but it went quiet. I knocked a couple times softly to let whoever it was know I was coming in, and then I pushed on the door, slowly. Once it was open all the way, I realized who was making the noise. The twins. Standing there mostly naked, long dark hair and perfectly tanned skin and toned bodies blazing out at me. Oh boy. I stood there, not knowing what to say for a few seconds as they took in my presence and I took in theirs. Then I said, “Sorry to interrupt. I’m just here to take a shower.”
They looked at me and then turned to face each other in unison, which was seriously disturbing since they were identical – it looked like one person was standing in front of a mirror and had turned to look at herself. Then they both swiveled back toward me and I realized for the first time that their eyes were swirling red and black like Spike’s did sometimes. They were deep, deep crimson, quickly changing over to black – the color Spike’s became right before he feasted on a meal of steaming hot fae energy.
I had no chance to move before they were both on me with lightning speed. One second I was standing there, minding my own business; the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of the bathroom with two half-naked succubi about to suck the life out of me. I closed my eyes tightly to block out the image of my impending and somewhat embarrassing demise, begging The Green to come and save me.
Chapter 15
“Tell us what happened again. I need to hear it one more time,” said Spike, nearly breathless with wonder and anticipation.
“I’m not going to go over it with you again, you perve. Buy the book.”
“Believe me – if there was one, I’d buy it.”
I smacked him on the arm and resumed eating my bacon.
Finn walked up. “So, I hear there was some excitement in the ladies room last night.” He winked at me and smiled. “Do tell. I have to know the details before Becky gets back. It’ll make her crazy that I knew before her.”
I rolled my eyes. “Do you guys have any idea how pitiful you sound?”
My newly made-over daemon friend joined the table next, obviously having overheard my last statement. “You have to admit, Jayne,” said Scrum, “the whole idea of you wrestling around with two naked succubi is pretty intriguing to any guy. Even Valentine liked the idea.”
“Valentine’s gay. How could he like the idea? And by the way, they weren’t naked. Just barely clothed. There’s a difference.”
“Not in my world,” said Spike, fantasizing out loud.
I hit him again, only harder this time.
“Valentine says that he finds joy and pleasure in all forms of sexuality. Beauty is beauty, in whatever form it takes.”
“Since when have you been hanging out with Valentine, Scrum?”
“Oh, not long. He’s giving me relationship tips.”
I choked on my water. “Gah! Wha ... Valentine? Relationship tips? We’re talking about the same guy, right? Incubus? Sucks the life out of fae? Bites ‘em? That Valentine?”
“Yeah. That’s him. He’s pretty wise, actually. I’ve learned a lot from him.”
I shook my head, my eyebrows nearly up to my hairline. “Well okay. Whatever floats your fucking boat.”
Tony joined us, his plate full of food. “So, Jayne. What’s the scoop? I hear you met the twins.” He kept his face down, acting like he was all interested in his food, but I knew his game.
“You think you’re soooo funny don’t you?”
He put a giant piece of bacon in his mouth and then looked up at me. “Whub? Whub I fay?”
“Ugh. You’re reminding me of Gorm now. Stop.” Our messy buggane was sitting by himself, over in the corner, so busy with his plate of worms he didn’t notice any of us. “Fine, you want to know what happened? I’ll tell you. One more time, Spike, and that’s it. I’d like to forget
one of the more humiliating moments of my life, if you don’t mind.”
“What if we do mind?” asked Spike, only half kidding.
“Next time? The ears? They’re coming off.”
Spike laughed. “Oh, trust me. There will be no next time for me at Jayne’s House of Horrors ... I mean Jayne’s House of Hair.” He smiled, proud of himself.
I smiled back in spite of my crankiness. “Your hair looks fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure. After two spells and I don’t know how many gallons of disgusting witch’s brew.”
“I tried to warn you.”
“Warn me harder next time.”
“So anyway. The twins,” I said, anxious to get it over with.
All ears were glued on my every word. All I could think, looking at them, is how pathetic guys are sometimes – slaves to their ding-a-lings, every single one of them.
“I went to take a shower and they were in there, in the middle of getting dressed.”
Spike interrupted me. “Say ‘undressed’ not ‘dressed’.” His eyes were closed.
“Fine. They were in the middle of getting undressed ... ”
“How far undressed are we talkin’ about?” asked Finn, his eyes starting to glaze over.
“Listen, idiots, stop interrupting or I’m not going to tell you the rest.”
Spike gave Finn an evil glare and Finn gave him the stink-eye back. Once they were settled down I started again.
“I said ‘hi’ or something equally innocent and they took one look at each other and then jumped me.”
“They jumped her!” squealed Spike, inadvertently grabbing Finn’s arm.
Finn punched him in the shoulder. “Get off me, man.”
Spike turned back to me, gesturing for me to keep talking with flapping hands. He was totally channeling Valentine in that moment and I had to smile, laughing at him and feeling sorry for him at the same time.
“I ended up on the bathroom floor with them standing over me and licking their chops ... so I called out to The Green to help me. Next thing I knew there was this intense green light all over the place, a couple of screaming, cranky succubi, a few choice cuss words and then silence. I opened my eyes, which were then blurry, and found myself alone in the bathroom, my stuff spread out all over the floor. I had to rinse my toothbrush for like ten minutes before I felt comfortable using it. It was gross.”