“Nice try. But you do not define my beauty and you’re not going anywhere. You have duties here that must be fulfilled.”
I banged the ground on either side of me with my fists. “I don’t want to fulfill those duties. I want to do other duties. I’ll become a brownie and scrub toilets. I’ll chase bugganes around the forest. I’ll do anything they ask ... just not that.”
“Why? Why toilets and not the honor of uniting your people?”
“Because ... ,” I said petulantly, swirling my finger around in the dirt, staring at the patterns I made, “ ... I don’t even like him. I like someone else.”
“Lie.”
I angrily smeared the pattern I’d made and flung the dirt and leaves away from me.
“No! I don’t want Ben! I want Chase!”
“That may be so, but it is not true to say that you don’t like Ben. And you know that you cannot have everything you want – nor would you want that for yourself. People or fae who are given everything they desire, without working for it and without concern for the consequences, are dangerous ... shallow souls with nothing but the Underworld to look forward to after the Here and Now.”
She struggled to stand, and once finally on her feet said, “Sacrifice! That is what it means to be alive. To really live, you must be a part of something greater than yourself. Do for others before you do for yourself. Listen to that little piece of your mind that tells you all is not as it seems ... because, girl ... it is not! Nothing is as it seems. All of this ... ,” she spread her arms around her, “ ... is just an illusion. You have yours. I have mine. They have theirs.”
She started shuffling towards her door.
“So what am I supposed to do?”
“Do what you know you must. What is right for your people. Be who you really are and don’t be afraid of that. You were born to greatness, as all the fae are. Take what is yours and then give yourself back to us, the fae, one hundredfold. We all need you ... and that elemental you claim not to like.”
She reached the entrance to her house and stepped inside. She turned to close the door behind her.
I tried to stop her by continuing the conversation. I had to know the endgame for myself here. “What if I run away? What if I don’t agree to go through with the ceremony?”
“Then you seal their fate. It is your right to do that, if you wish it to be so.”
“I do. I do wish it to be so because I don’t want to be bound to that elemental!” I shouted at her face, darkening as it pulled away into the shadows of her house.
“Lie!” she yelled, before she slammed the door in my face.
Chapter 35
I stood there, brushing twigs, leaves, and dirt off of my soiled and uninspiring cloak, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now.
The answer came in the form of an anxious pixie, buzzing through the air to stop in front of me, hovering, and as agitated as I’d ever seen him. “Where have you been, young lady?!” yelled Tim, his hands on his hips. He sounded so much like my father it was frightening.
“Talking to Maggie.”
“Well, I’ll have you know that you have everyone up in arms back there. If you don’t get your sweet buns back to the Infinity Meadow, like right now, you’re going to go down in history as the changeling who ended the fae species and destroyed the world!”
“Well, then, what does it matter? If there’s no one around to write that history down?”
Tim buzzed right up to my cheek and slapped me.
I slowly raised my hand to my face, stunned at what he’d just done. “Did you just ... hit me?”
Tim backed up, his hands stiff at his sides. “You bet your big fat butt I did. Now stop talking nonsense and get back to the Infinity Meadow, now!” He did three loops and a twist in midair before settling down into hover mode again. “I’m all out of whack here with anxiety. I’m going to get airsick any minute now. The stress is unbearable. I could accidentally pixie someone, and I won’t be held responsible for that. Please, Jayne,” he begged, “go back.”
“How do you even know about this?” I asked.
“Uh ... well ... that would be the witch’s amplified listening spell that I helped concoct late last night after you went to sleep.” He looked nervous.
“Spill it, pixie. What did you do?”
He flew a few more loops first and then said, “Okay, fine, I’ll tell you. I approached one of the witches and suggested that it might be a good idea to spell the meadow with a listening cast – so those of us not privileged and important enough to be on the council could hear what you guys were saying. And I worked with them to make sure it was properly amplified, because as I’ve told you on many occasions, pixies are good with electronics and things that act like electronics.”
“Define ‘properly amplified’, Tim.”
“Um. That would mean, ‘so it plays in every room of the Light Fae compound’.” He grinned at me sheepishly.
“So what you’re saying is ... everyone who knows me, and who I know, was a direct witness to my freak-out and retreat.”
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
“Fuck balls, Tim! Why’d you do that?”
“How was I supposed to know you were going to be sent to the gallows with Ben? And how was I supposed to know you were going to run away like a deranged chicken? I don’t see why I should be blamed for your bad choices.”
Maggie’s voice came from behind the door. “Get out of here you two! I’m trying to sleep!”
Tim and I looked at each other, now more worried about pissing Maggie off than fighting with each other. I turned to start walking back to the compound, grumbling as I went. “This fucking sucks, Tim, you know that, don’t you? I’m being forced into ... a ... I don’t know ... a marriage or something. This is like one of those messed up arranged marriages where you don’t even know the person you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with.”
“Come on, Jayne. It’s not that bad. You know him, at least.”
“Yes, it is that bad!” I argued. “No, wait! You’re right ... it’s not bad, it’s worse! I’m being forced into a shotgun marriage, only my marriage isn’t going to last for a mere forty or fifty years. No! It’s going to last for thousands. Thousands of years, Tim. Do you feel my pain yet?”
Tim flew ahead of me. “Okay, so it does kind of suck a little. But it could be worse. You could be matched with someone really ugly. Or someone really cruel.”
“Ben’s not ugly, okay, I’ll admit that. But he is cruel. He let Leck torture me.”
“Well, I think he’s sorry about that. I think he’s sorry about a lot of things.”
“How would you know?”
Tim turned and flew backwards, a smile on his face. “Because the amplification spell worked on him too. He had plenty to say after you left.” He looked at me a little sheepishly. “Oh, and I talked to Abby who had plenty of inside information to share.”
“No!” I said, picking up my pace. “What? Tell me.” My heart raced a little at the idea of Ben talking about me. Stupid traitor heart. And I couldn’t believe Tim actually talked to She-Who-Wasn’t-Supposed-To-Be-Named.
“Oh, Ben was saying stuff like you’d never have him, that he did terrible things to you and didn’t deserve your forgiveness, that he’d ruined every chance the fae had at surviving this apocalypse, he didn’t want you to feel forced into being with him, yadda, yadda, yadda. It was all very romantic. Except for the part where you weren’t there because you were too afraid to deal with everything and had totally rejected him. Gotta give the guy credit though – he didn’t have anything but lovely things to say about you, even though you jilted him, leaving him at the altar and all.”
“Shut up.” I could feel my face getting red. I hated that Ben had more courage than I did and I hated that he was being a nicer fae than me right now.
“Tell me about Abby.”
Tim looked embarrassed. “Well, uh, apparently, she’s kind of a pixie saint or something.”
/> “What?” Now I was just confused.
“Apparently she got pregnant with Maggie’s help, thinking it would be the best way to solidify our relationship – crazy she-pixie thinking there. And then she mentioned something about maybe wanting a baby to me and I had no idea she’d already gone and done something about it – so I told her it was a terrible idea because baby pixies have to live on colonies for years and years until they’re controllable – with the pixying stuff – blah, blah, blah ... and, so, she kind of freaked out and went to the Dark Fae healers who made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask. What offer?”
“In exchange for helping them with their pixilation research, they would provide a home for her and our son, and not at a colony.”
“So, what ... ? She’s like, a lab rat?” I didn’t see how this qualified her as a saint. More like a sucker in my book.
“No, she’s on their research team. Yes, they use her blood, but she’s right there with them, coming up with the antidotes like the one used on Chase.” Tim buzzed right up in front of my face. “She did it for our son. For us. As soon as he was ready, she was going to come find me. With these antidotes all of us, all pixiekind, could live with regular fae without being discriminated against. She’s a revolutionary.”
I looked at him mystified. “But why didn’t she tell you sooner?”
Tim’s face turned red and he flew in three tight circles before coming back to answer me. “She tried. I refused to listen.”
“Oh, shit, Tim.” I felt terrible for him. All this time he’d thought his wife didn’t love him. And he had a son.
“What about your boy?”
Tim burst out in a huge smile. “I met him! He’s incredibly handsome.”
I smiled. “Of course he is. How could he not be?”
“I know, right? His name is William. She calls him Willy.”
I started giggling. “As in Wee Willy Winkie?”
Tim frowned at me. “You’re not mocking my baby, are you Jayne?”
I put on a straight face. “Nooo. Me? Never. So when do I get to meet these lovely pixies?”
“After your ... uh ... bonding ceremony.”
The gloom descended back down onto my head and I frowned.
“Listen. Just because you’re married or bonded or whatever to the guy, doesn’t mean you have to live with him, right? I didn’t live with my wife for a long time.”
“Something tells me for this whole grand scheme to work, I’m going to have to be around him, at least some of the time. I think the whole idea is to get our people together – not continue to live apart.”
“Yeah, I know. The council members on both sides have been hammering out those details. They’re going to un-spell all the corridors and unblock the tunnels that connect our compounds. Chase has scared the ever-living crud out of them. Now there’s just going to be one big, giant living space for all of us. And they’re going to mix us up –like Dark, Light, Dark, Light – all of the rooms are going to be staggered, the eating halls, mixed. Total desegregation. It’s going to be wild.”
“But what about the fae like Maléna who hate us?”
“They’re just going to have to put aside their personal feelings for the greater good.”
I snorted at that.
“Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Believe me, you’re not the only one. But enough of the council are on board with this, that they’re going to make it happen. Chase has done a good job convincing them that you and Ben are our only hope. It was like a visitation from the rage of angels back there. I nearly peed myself twice.”
I felt angry tears rise up in my eyes and I swiped at them in frustration as I trudged through the woods, heedless of the fallen branches that usually tripped me up. “Do you have any idea how pissed off and powerless this makes me feel?”
Tim flew in front of me and stopped in midair, forcing me to stop or suffer a pixie penis to the face. “What?!” I yelled, backing up a step.
“Yes, Jayne, I do. I know how scared and mad and confused and all those other terrible emotions you are right now. I get it, completely. You always rebel against doing what other people try to force you to do. If they had asked me, I would have told them there was a better way to handle this. But they didn’t ask me. So now you have to deal with their inelegant and disrespectful approach in a way that works for you. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. It’s too pretty for that.”
Tim acting all fatherly on me like this was a new one. But it was probably the one time I didn’t mind and actually appreciated hearing it.
“So you think I should do this?”
“Yeah. But on your own terms. Talk to Ben. See what he has to say. Then make your decision. I have confidence that you will decide to go through with it. I know how important this family is to you.”
“And what if, after I talk to Ben, I decide not to do it? Not to ... bond with him?”
“Well,” he said, coming over to rest on my shoulder, “we’ll just go down swinging, then won’t we? You, me, and the rest of that motley changeling crew of yours.”
“I think I can live with those two choices.” I smiled, already feeling a little better, knowing this small pixie had my back, regardless of what I decided to do. “You know, you’re going to be an awesome dad, Tim.”
“Of course I am,” he said, yanking on my hair, “now giddy-up, donkey, we have a date with destiny.”
Chapter 36
I followed the path to the Infinity Meadow, noticing immediately that we were no longer going to be in the company of just the council members. The entire meadow was filled with fae, both Light and Dark. There were hundreds of them there, all centered around the tree resting over my mother’s grave. I even saw Leck loitering on the fringes. My friends were all standing in a group, near the tree, where Samantha had joined them.
I saw her looking at me, for the first time without pure hatred on her face, and Maggie’s recent words came back to haunt me. Was it possible that Samantha was the one she had been talking about? That she and I were related somehow? I shook my head to stop my mind from going down that road. It was too crazy to consider right now ... way down on my list of shit to deal with.
I looked back at the tree and noticed that Gus was standing near Chase, who had put his wings away and looked once again like my daemon. Only now I knew he’d never been a daemon. And I knew he had never been mine. I ignored the squeezing in my chest that felt like a very painful heart cramp.
Ben looked up as soon as he saw me emerge from the path, and took a step towards me. Chase put his arm out to stop him. Ben looked down at the arm across his chest and halted in his tracks, his eyes going to Chase for an explanation.
Chase dropped his arm and came forward, meeting up with me before I reached the edge of the crowd.
“Tim, I’d like to speak with Jayne alone for a moment.”
Tim flew away without saying anything, but I saw him look at me and nod his head as he disappeared into the throng of fae in front of me.
Chase took me by the elbow and led me back down the path a bit, away from the prying eyes of the others.
“Put us in a bubble of green energy, Jayne. I want to talk to you without them hearing and without the listening spell picking it up.”
“You knew about that, huh?” I drew the connection to me, envisioning a bubble surrounding us. The green glow grew until it encircled us completely.
“Yes. I know about everything.”
“Do you know that you totally slammed my heart into a wall back there?” I figured there was no one here but Chase to hear my embarrassing admissions, so I might as well go balls out.
“Yes. I know. I can feel your pain. The same pain is mirrored in my heart.”
I grabbed his arms. “Then why?! Why are you asking me to do this?”
Chase put his hands on my shoulders, staring deeply into my eyes. “This is what must be. I cannot stay here with you. But Ben can. He is a
good man, a good fae. He is an elemental – one of your kind. Together, you will do great things. And one day, when you leave this realm to come to the Overworld, I will be there waiting for you. You and I will be together again, I promise you that.”
“So ... what? I’m supposed to take Ben as my consolation prize? Does he know that?” I couldn’t imagine a guy like him being okay with that.
“No. Ben is no consolation prize. He is the real deal, Jayne. He was meant for you. Both of you have let the petty concerns of a few cloud your vision. Open your eyes and see who he really is. See who Tony sees. See who Becky sees. Trust your friends who have no other motivation than to be true to you.”
“But I don’t really even like him,” I whined, annoying even myself with the tone of my voice.
“You just need to give him a chance. That’s all. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.”
I choked on a sob. “Do you have any idea how fucked up that is? For the guy you want to be with, to tell you to go like another guy for him?”
Chase shook his head and jerked my shoulders – not sharply, but enough to snap me out of my pity party fog. “No! That is not what’s happening here. What’s happening is your guardian angel, the one who gladly took the appointment to watch over you for all of eternity, is telling you where you will find your earthly happiness. This is what the universe wants for you! This is what you deserve! Now stop denying yourself these things and take what’s being offered. Some people and some fae never get this opportunity. Too few do, in my opinion. Don’t throw it back in my face. I have worked very hard to win this for you.”
“You did this? For me?” I said weakly.
“Not all of it. But some, yes. I love you, Jayne,” his face softened, “I always have, and I always will. No matter what you do, no matter how many times you mess up, no matter how many bad choices you make, that will never change.”