VOLUME TWO, CHAPTER SIXTEEN.
_Strickland_. "These doings in my house distract me. I met a fine gentleman, when I inquired who He was--why, he came to Clarinda. I met A footman too, and he came to Clarinda. My wife had the character of a virtuous Woman--" _Suspicious Husband_.
"Let us no more contend Each other, blamed enough elsewhere, but strive In offices of love, how we may lighten Each other's burden in our share of woe." MILTON.
I do not know a spot on the globe which astonishes and delights, uponyour first landing, as the island of Madeira. The voyager embarks, andis in all probability confined to his cabin, suffering under thedreadful protraction of seasickness. Perhaps he has left England in thegloomy close of the autumn, or the frigid concentration of an Englishwinter. In a week, or even in a shorter period, he again views thatterra firma which he had quitted with regret, and which in hissufferings he would have given half that he possessed to regain. Whenhe lands upon the island, what a change! Winter has become summer, thenaked trees which be left are exchanged for the most luxuriant andvaried foliage, snow and frost for warmth and splendour; the scenery ofthe temperate zone for the profusion and magnificence of the tropics;fruit which he had never before seen, supplies for the table unknown tohim; a bright sky, a glowing sun, hills covered with vines, a deep-bluesea, a picturesque and novel costume; all meet and delight the eye, justat the precise moment, when to have been landed even upon a barrenisland would have been considered as a luxury. Add to all this, theunbounded hospitality of the English residents, a sojourn too short topermit satiety and then is it to be wondered that the island of Madeirais a "green spot" in the memory of all those who land there, or thatthey quit it with regret?
The Bombay Castle had not been two hours at anchor before the passengershad availed themselves of an invitation from one of the Englishresidents, and were quartered in a splendid house, which hooked upon asquare and one of the principal churches in the city of Funchal. Whilethe gentlemen amused themselves at the extensive range of windows withthe novelty of the scene, and the ladies retired to their apartments tocomplete the hasty toilet of their disembarkation, Captain Drawlock wasvery busy in the counting-house below, with the master of the house.There were so many pipes of Madeira for the Honourable Company; so manyfor the directors' private cellars, besides many other commissions forfriends, which Captain Drawlock had undertaken to execute; for at thatperiod Madeira wine had not been so calumniated as it latterly has been.
A word upon this subject.--I am a mortal enemy to every description ofhumbug; and I believe there is as much in the medical world as in anyother. Madeira wine had for a century been in high and deservedreputation, when on a sudden some fashionable physician discovers thatit contained more acid than sherry. Whether he was a sleeping partnerin some Spanish house, or whether he had received a present of a fewpipes of sherry, that he might turn the scale of public favour towardsthat wine, I know not; but certain it is, that it became fashionablewith all medical gentlemen to prescribe sherry; and when once any thingbecomes fashionable, _c'est une affaire decide_.
I do not pretend to be much of a pathologist; but on reading Mr F---'sanalysis on the component parts of wine, I observed that in one hundredparts there are perhaps twenty-two parts of acid in Madeira, andnineteen in sherry; so that, in fact, if you reduce your glass ofMadeira wine, just _one sip_ in quantity, you will imbibe no more acidthan in a full glass of sherry; and when we consider the variety ofacids in sugar and other compounds, which abound in culinarypreparations, the fractional quantity upon which has been grounded theabuse of Madeira wine, appears to be most ridiculous.
But if not a pathologist, I have a most decided knowledge of what isgood wine; and if the gout should some day honour me with a visit, Ishall at least have the consolation to know that I have by potation mosthonestly _earned_ it.
But allowing that the medical gentlemen are correct, still their goodintentions are frustrated by the knavery of the world; and the result oftheir prescriptions is, that people drink much more acid than they didbefore. I do every justice to good old sherry when it does make itsappearance at table; it is a noble wine when aged and unsophisticatedfrom its youth; but for once that you meet with it genuine, you aretwenty times disappointed. When Madeira wine was in vogue, the islandcould not produce the quantity required for consumption, and the vintagefrom the north side of the island, or of Teneriffe, was substituted.This adulteration no doubt was one cause of its losing its wellestablished reputation. But Madeira wine has a quality which in itselfproves its superiority over all other wines--namely, that although noother wine can be passed off as Madeira, yet with Madeira thewine-merchants may imitate any other wine that is in demand. What isthe consequence? that Madeira, not being any longer in request asMadeira, now that sherry is the "correct thing," and there not beingsufficient of the latter to meet the increased demand, most of the winevended as sherry is made from the inferior Madeira wines. Reader, ifyou have ever been in Spain, you may have seen the Xerez or sherry winebrought from the mountains to be put into the cask. A raw goat-skin,with the neck-part and the four legs sewed up, forms a leathern bag,containing perhaps from fifteen to twenty gallons. This is the load ofone man, who brings it down on his shoulder exposed to the burning raysof the sun. When it arrives, it is thrown down on the sand, to swelterin the heat with the rest and remains there probably for days before itis transferred into the cask. It is this proceeding which gives tosherry that peculiar leather twang which distinguishes it from otherwines--a twang easy to imitate by throwing into a cask of Cape wine apair of old boots, and allowing them to remain a proper time. Althoughthe public refuse to drink Madeira, as Madeira, they are in factdrinking it in every way disguised--as port, as sherry, etcetera; and itis a well-known fact that the poorer wines from the north side of theisland are landed in the London Docks, and shipped off to the Continent,from whence they reappear in bottles as "peculiarly fine flavouredhock!"
Now, as it is only the indifferent wines which are thus turned intosherry,--and the more inferior the wine, the more acid it contains,--Ithink I have made out a clear case that people are drinking more acidthan they did before this wonderful discovery of the medical gentlemen,who have for some years led the public by the nose.
There are, however, some elderly persons of my acquaintance who are notto be dissuaded from drinking Madeira, but who continue to destroythemselves by the use of this acid, which perfumes the room when thecork is extracted. I did represent to one of them, that it was aspecies of suicide, after what the doctors had discovered; but hereplied, in a very gruff tone of voice, "May be, sir; but you can'tteach an old dog new tricks!"
I consider that the public ought to feel very much indebted to me forthis _expose_. Madeira wine is very low, while sherry is high in price.They have only to purchase a cask of Madeira and flavour it withWellington boots or ladies' shippers, as it may suit their palates. Theformer will produce the high-coloured, the latter the pale sherry.Further, I consider that the merchants of Madeira are bound to send me aletter of thanks, with a pipe of Bual, to prove its sincerity. Now Irecollect Stoddart did promise me some wine when he was last in England;but I suppose he has forgotten it.
But from the produce I must return to the island and my passengers. Thefirst day of their arrival they eat their dinner, took their coffee, andreturned to bed early to enjoy a comfortable night after so many ofconstant pitching and tossing. The next morning the ladies were muchbetter, and received the visits of all the captains of the India ships,and also of the captain of the frigate who escorted them.
The officers of the Bombay Castle had been invited to dinner; and thefirst-mate not being inclined to leave the ship, Newton had for oneaccepted the invitation. On his arrival he discovered in the captain ofthe frigate his former acquaintance, Captain Carrington, in whose shiphe had obtained a passage from the West Indies, and who on the formerbeing paid off had been appointed to the command of the Boadicea,Captain Carrington was
delighted to meet Newton; and the attention whichhe paid to him, added to the encomiums bestowed when Newton was out ofbearing, raised him very high in the opinion, not only of CaptainDrawlock, but also in the estimation of the ladies. At the request ofCaptain Carrington Newton was allowed to remain on shore till theirdeparture from the island; and from this circumstance he became moreintimate with the ladies than he would in all probability have otherwisebeen in the whole course of the voyage. We must pass over the gallop upto Nostra Senhora da Monte, an expedition opposed by Captain Drawlock onthe score of his responsibility; but he was over-ruled by CaptainCarrington, who declared that Newton and he were quite sufficientconvoy. We must pass over the many compliments paid to Isabel Revel byCaptain Carrington, who appeared desperately in hove after anacquaintance of four-and-twenty hours, and who discovered a defect inthe Boadicea which would occupy two or three days to make good, that hemight be longer in her company; but we will not pass over onecircumstance which occurred during their week's sojourn at thisdelightful island.
A certain Portuguese lady of noble birth had been left a widow with twodaughters, and a fine estate to share between them. The daughters werehandsome; but the estate was so much handsomer, that it set all themandolins of the Portuguese inamoratos strumming under the windows ofthe lady's abode from sunset to the dawn of day.
Now it did so occur that a young English clerk in a mercantile house,who had a fresh complexion and a clean shirt to boast of (qualificationsunknown to the Portuguese), won the heart of the eldest daughter; andthe old lady, who was not a very strict Catholic, gave her consent tothis heretical union. The Catholic priests, who had long been trying topersuade the old lady to shut up her daughters in a convent, and endowthe church with her property, expressed a holy indignation at theintended marriage. The Portuguese gentlemen, who could not brook theidea of so many fair hills of vines going away to a stranger wereequally indignant: in short, the whole Portuguese population of theisland were in arms; but the old lady, who had always contrived to haveher way before her husband's death, was not inclined to be thwarted nowthat she was her own mistress; and, notwithstanding threats andexpostulations from all quarters, she awaited but the arrival of anEnglish man-of-war that the ceremony might be performed, there being atthat time no Protestant clergyman on the island; for the reader mustknow that a marriage on board of a king's ship, by the captain dulyentered in the log-book, is considered as valid as if the ceremony wereperformed by the Archbishop of Canterbury.
I once married couple on board of a little ten-gun brig of which Icondescended to take the command, to oblige the first lord of theAdmiralty; offered, I believe to _provide_ for me, and rid the Board ofall future solicitations for employment or promotion.
It was one of my sailors, who had come to a determination to make anhonest woman of Poll and an ass of himself, at one and the same time.The ceremony took place on the quarter-deck. "Who gives this womanaway?" said I, with due emphasis, according to the ritual. "I do,"cried the boatswain in a gruff voice, taking the said lady by the armand shoving her towards me, as if he thought her not worth keeping.Every thing went on seriously, nevertheless. The happy pair werekneeling down on the union-jack, which had been folded on the deck inconsideration of the lady's knees, and I was in the middle of theblessing, when two pigs which we had procured at St. Jaco's, being themoff that island (creatures more like English pigs on stilts than anything else, unless you could imagine a cross between a pig and agreyhound), in the lightness of their hearts and happy ignorance oftheir doom, took a frisk, as you often see pigs do on shore, commenced arun from forward right aft, and galloping to the spot where we were allcollected, rushed against the two just made one, destroying their centreof gravity, and upsetting them; and, indeed, destroying the gravity andupsetting the seriousness of myself and the whole of the ship's company.The lady recovered her legs, damned the pigs, and, taking her husband'sarm, hastened down the hatchway; so that I lost the kiss to which I wasentitled for my services. I consoled myself by the reflection that,"please the pigs," I might be more fortunate the next time that Iofficiated in my clerical capacity. This is a digression I grant, but Icannot help it; it is the nature of man to digress. Who can say that hehas through life kept in the straight path? This is a world ofdigression; and I beg that critics will take no notice of mine, as Ihave an idea that my digressions in this work are as agree able to myreaders, as my digressions in life have been agreeable to myself.
When Captain Carrington anchored with his convoy in Funchal roads,immediate application was made by the parties for the ceremony to beperformed on board of his ship. It is true that, as Mr Ferguson hadarrived, it might have taken place on shore; but it was consideredadvisable, to avoid interruption and insult, that the parties should beunder the sanctuary of a British man-of-war. On the fourth day afterthe Boadicea's arrival the ceremony was performed on board of her by MrFerguson; and the passengers of the Bombay, residing at the house of Mr---, who was an intimate friend of the bridegroom, received and acceptedthe invitation to the marriage-dinner. The feast was splendid, andafter the Portuguese custom. The first course was _boiled_: itconsisted of boiled beef, boiled mutton, boiled hams, boiled tongues,boiled bacon, boiled fowls, boiled turkeys, boiled sausages, boiledcabbages, boiled potatoes, and boiled carrots. Duplicates of each wereranged in opposition, until the table groaned with its superincumbentweight. All were cut up, placed in one dish, and handed round to theguests. When they drank wine, every glass was filled, and every bodywho filled his glass was expected to drink the health of every guestseparately and by name before he emptied it. The first course wasremoved, and the second made its appearance all roasted. Roast beef,roast veal, roast mutton, roast lamb, roast joints of pork, roastedturkeys, roasted fowls, roasted sausages, roasted every thing; thecentre dish being a side of a large hog, rolled up like an enormousfillet of veal. This too was done ample justice to by the Portuguesepart of the company, at least, and all was cleared away for the dessert,consisting of oranges, melons, pine-apples, guavas, citrons, bananas,peaches, strawberries, apples, pears, and indeed of almost every fruitwhich can be found in the whole world, all of which appear to naturalisethemselves at Madeira. It was now supposed by the uninitiated that thedinner was over; but not so; the dessert was cleared away, and on camean _husteron proteron_ medley of pies and puddings, in all theirvarieties, smoking hot, boiled and baked, custards and sweetmeats,cheese and olives, fruits of all kinds preserved, and a hundred otherthings, from which the gods preserve us! At last the feast was reallyover; the Portuguese picked their teeth with their forks, and the winewas circulated briskly. On such an occasion as the marriage of herdaughter, the old lady had resolved to take a pipe of Madeira, whichwas, at the very least, fifty years old, very fine in flavour, but, fromhaving been so long in the wood, little inferior in strength to genuineCogniac. The consequence was, that many of the gentlemen became noisybefore the dinner was over; and their mirth was increased to positiveuproar upon a message being sent by the bishop, ordering upon pain ofexcommunication, that the ceremony should proceed no further. Theladies retired to the withdrawing room; the gentlemen soon followed; butthe effects of the wine were so apparent upon most of them, that CaptainDrawlock summoned Newton to his assistance, and was in a state ofextreme anxiety until his "responsibilities" were safe at home. Shortlyafterwards, Captain Carrington and those who were the least affected, bypersuasion or force, removed the others from the house; and the bridalparty were left to themselves, to deliberate whether they should orshould not obey the preposterous demands of the reverend bishop.
Captain Carrington was excessively fond of a joke, and never lost theopportunity when it occurred; now it happened, that in the party invitedthere was a merchant of the name of Sullivan, who, upon his last visitto England, had returned with a very pretty, and at the same time, avery coquettish young lady as his wife. It happened, in the casualtiesof a large dinner party, that the old colonel (Ellice was his name, if Ihave not mentioned it bef
ore) was seated next to her, and, as usual, wasremarkably attentive. Mr Sullivan, like many other gentlemen, was veryinattentive to his wife, and, unlike most Irishmen, was very jealous ofher. The very marked attention of the colonel had not escaped hisnotice; neither did his fidgeting upon this occasion escape the noticeof those about him, who were aware of his disposition. The poor colonelwas one of those upon whose brain the wine had taken the most effect,and it was not until after sundry falls, and being again placed upon hislegs, that he had been conveyed home, between Captain Carrington and Mr---, the merchant at whose house the party from the Bombay Castle wereresiding. The ensuing morning he did not make his appearance atbreakfast; and the gentlemen residing on the island, commenting upon theevents of the evening before, declared in a joking way that they shouldnot be surprised at Mr Sullivan sending him a challenge in the courseof the morning; that was, if he was up so soon, as he had quitted thehouse in a greater state of inebriety than even the colonel. It wasupon this hint that Captain Carrington proposed to have some amusement;and having arranged with one of the junior partners of the house, hewent into the room of the colonel, whom he found still in bed.
"Well, colonel, how do you find yourself?" said Captain Carrington, whenhe had roused him.
"Oh! very bad indeed: my head is ready to split: never felt such asensation in my head before, except when I was struck with a spent ballat the battle of--"
"I am very sorry for your headache, colonel, but more sorry that thewine should have played you such a trick last night."
"Trick indeed!" replied the colonel; "I was completely overcome: I donot recollect a word that passed after I had quitted the dinner table."
"Are you serious? Do you not recollect the scene with Mrs Sullivan?"
"Mrs Sullivan! My dear sir, what scene? I certainly paid everyattention due to a very pretty woman; but I recollect no further."
"Not the scene in the drawing-room?"
"God bless me!--No--I do not even recollect ever going into thedrawing-room! Pray tell me what I said or did: I hope nothingimproper."
"Why that depends very much whether a lady likes it or not: but in thepresence of so many people--"
"Merciful powers! Captain Carrington, pray let me know at once whatfolly it was that I committed."
"Why, really, I am almost ashamed to enter into particulars: suffice tosay, that you used most unwarrantable freedom towards her."
"Is it possible?" cried the colonel.--"Now, Captain Carrington, are younot joking?"
"Ask this gentleman; he was present."
The assertion of the captain was immediately corroborated, and thecolonel was quite aghast.
"Excuse me, gentlemen, I will run immediately--that abominable wine; Imust go and make a most ample apology. I am bound to do it, as agentleman, as an officer, and as a man of honour."
Captain Carrington and his confederate quitted the room, satisfied withthe success of their plot. The colonel rose, and soon afterwards madehis appearance. He swallowed a cup of coffee, and then proceeded on hisvisit, to make the _amende honorable_.
When Mr Sullivan awoke from the lethargy produced from the stupefyingeffects of the wine, he tried to recollect the circumstances of thepreceding evening; but he could trace no further than to the end of thedinner, after which his senses had been overpowered. All that he couldcall to memory was, that somebody had paid great attention to his wife,and that what had passed afterwards was unknown. This occasioned him torise in a very jealous humour; and he had not been up more than an hour,when the colonel sent up his card, requesting, as a particular favourthat the lady would admit him.
The card and messenger were taken by the servant to Mr Sullivan, whosejealousy was again roused by the circumstance; and wishing to know ifthe person who had now called was the same who had been so attentive tohis wife on the preceding evening, and the motives of the call, herequested that the colonel might be shown in, without acquainting hiswife, whom he had not yet seen, with his arrival. The colonel, whointended to have made an apology to the lady without the presence of athird person, least of all of her husband, ascended the stairs,adjusting his hair and cravat, and prepared with all the penitentassurance and complimentary excuses of a too ardent lover. The factwas, that, although the colonel had expressed to Captain Carrington hisregret and distress at the circumstance, yet, as an old Adonis, he wasrather proud of this instance of juvenile indiscretion. When thereforehe entered the room, and perceived, instead of the lady. Mr Sullivanraised up to his utmost height, and looking any thing but good humoured,he naturally started back, and stammered out something which wasunintelligible. His behaviour did not allay the suspicions of MrSullivan, who requested, in a haughty tone, to be informed of the reasonwhy he had been honoured with a visit. The colonel became moreconfused, and totally losing his presence of mind, replied:--
"I called, sir,--on Mrs Sullivan,--to offer an apology for my conductlast night; but as I perceive that she is not visible, I will take amore favourable opportunity."
"Any apology you may have to offer to my wife, sir," replied MrSullivan, "may be confided to me. May I inquire the circumstances whichhave occurred to render an apology necessary?" and Mr Sullivan walkedto the door and closed it.
"Why, really, Mr Sullivan, you must be aware that circumstances mayoccur," replied the colonel, more confused: "the fact is, that Iconsider it my duty, as a gentleman and a man of honour, to express myregrets to your fair lady."
"My fair lady! for what, sir, may I ask?"
"Why, sir," stammered the colonel, "to state the truth, for, as agentleman, and a man of honour, I ought not to be ashamed to acknowledgemy error--for--the very improper behaviour which I was guilty of lastnight."
"Improper behaviour, sir!--damnation! with my wife?" roared MrSullivan, in his rage. "What behaviour, sir? and when, sir?"
"Really, sir, I was too much affected with the wine to know any thingwhich passed. I did hope to have addressed the lady in person on thesubject, and I came here with that intention."
"I dare say you did, sir?"
"But," continued the colonel, "as it appears I am not to have thathonour, I consider that I have done my duty in requesting that you willconvey my sentiments of regret for what has passed;--and, now, sir, Iwish you a good morning."
"Good morning," retorted the husband, with a sneer; "and observe, sir, Iwill not trouble you to call again, William, show this gentleman outsidethe door."
The colonel, who was descending the stairs, turned round to Mr Sullivanat the latter part of his speech, and then, as if thinking better of it,he resumed his descent, and the door was immediately closed upon him.
Mr Sullivan, as soon as he was satisfied that the colonel was shut out,immediately repaired to his wife's dressing-room, where he found herreading.
"Madam," said he, fixing his eyes sternly on her, "I have been informedof what took place last night."
"I'm sure I do not know what that was," replied the lady, coolly,"except that you were very tipsy."
"Granted, madam: you took advantage of it; and your conduct--"
"My conduct, Mr Sullivan!" replied his wife, kindling with anger.
"Yes, Mrs Sullivan, your conduct. A married woman, madam, who allowsgentlemen--"
"Gentlemen, Mr Sullivan! I allow no gentlemen but yourself. Are yousure that you are quite sober?"
"Yes, madam, I am; but this affected coolness will not avail you: deny,if you can, that Colonel Ellice did not last night--"
"Well, then, I do deny it. Neither Colonel Ellice nor any other manever did--"
"Did what, madam?" interrupted the husband, in a rage.
"I was going to observe, if you had not interrupted me, that no one waswanting in proper respect towards me," replied the lady, who grew morecool as her husband increased in choler. "Pray, Mr Sullivan, may Iinquire who is the author of this slander?"
"The author, madam! look at me--to your confusion look at me!"
"Well, I'm looking."
"'Twas, madam--the colonel himself."
"The colonel himself!"
"Yes, madam, the colonel himself, who called this morning to see you,and renew the intimacy, I presume; but, by mistake, was shown up to me,and then made an apology for his conduct."
"It's excessively strange! first the colonel is rude, without myknowledge, and then apologises to you! Mr Sullivan, I'm afraid thatyour head is not right this morning."
"Indeed, madam, I only wish that your heart was as sound," replied thehusband with a sneer; "but, madam, I am not quite blind. An honestwoman--a virtuous woman, Mrs Sullivan, would have immediatelyacquainted her husband with what had passed--not have concealed it;still less have had the effrontery to deny it, when acknowledged by her_paramour_."
"_Paramour_!" cried the lady, with an hysterical laugh; "Mr Sullivan!when I select a _paramour_, it shall be a handsome young man--not anold, yellow-faced--"
"Pshaw, madam! there's no accounting for taste; when once a womandeviates from the right path--"
"Right path! if ever I deviated from the right path, as you call it, itwas when I married such a wretch as you! Yes, sir! continued the lady,bursting into tears, I tell it you now--my life has been a torment to meever since I married (sobbing)--always suspected for nothing (sob,sob)--jealous, detestable temper (sob)--go to my friends (sob)--hereafter may repent (sob)--then know what you've lost" (sob, sob, sob).
"And, madam," replied Mr Sullivan, "so may you also know what you havelost, before a few hours have passed away; then, madam, the time maycome when the veil of folly will be rent from your eyes, and yourconduct appear in all its deformity. Farewell, madam--perhaps forever!"
The lady made no reply; Mr Sullivan quitted the room, and, repairing tohis counting-house, wrote a challenge to the colonel, and confided thedelivery of it to one of his friends, who unwillingly accepted theoffice of second.