VOLUME THREE, CHAPTER SEVEN.
But to stick to my route 'Twill be hard, if some novelty can't be struck out. Is there no Algerine, no Kamschatkan arrived? No plenipo-pacha, three tail'd and three wived? No Russian, whose dissonant, consonant name Almost rattles to fragments the trumpet of fame? POSTSCRIPT.
By the bye, have you found any friend who can construe That Latin account, t'other day, of a monster? If we can't get a Russian--and that story in Latin Be not _too_ improper, I think I'll bring that in. MOORE.
A few mornings after this colloquy with his uncle, Newton was very busyperambulating the streets of London, in search of various requisites forhis trip to India, when his hand was seized before he had time to callto mind the features of the party who shook it with such apparentwarmth.
"My dear Mr Forster, I am so delighted to see you, so happy to hear ofyour gallant adventure with the French squadron. Mrs Plausible will bequite pleased at meeting her old shipmate; she often talks about you. Imust make sure of you," continued the doctor, drawing from his pocket alarge packet of cards, and inserting, at the top of one of them, NewtonForster's name with his pencil. "This is an invitation to our_conversazione_ of to-morrow night, which you must do us the honour toaccept. We shall have all the scientific men of the day, and a verypretty sprinkling of nobility, if not something more. However, you willsee. Shall I tell Mrs Plausible that you will come, or will youdisappoint her?"
"Why," replied Newton, "if I possibly can I will. I presume the hour isnot very precise?"
"O no, from nine until two or three; but if you wish to see greatpeople, about eleven is the exact time."
"Well, then," replied Newton, "the time which suits great people alsosuits me. I hope Mrs Plausible is quite well."
"Quite well, I thank you. Good-bye;" and Dr Plausible hurried off soquickly, that Newton was induced to look after him, to ascertain whatcould induce such precipitation. He perceived Dr Plausible shakinghands warmly with another gentleman, and after a few seconds, the packetof cards was again pulled out of his pocket, and the pencil inrequisition. It will be necessary to go back a little, to acquaint thereader with what had occurred since the acceptation of Dr Plausible byMiss Tavistock, when they were on board of the Bombay Castle. On theirarrival at Madras, Miss Tavistock's early and dearest friend, whoresided in the up-country, had commissioned an acquaintance to receiveMiss Tavistock until they could make arrangements for her journey to theinterior. By this female acquaintance Miss Tavistock was kindlywelcomed, and received into her house; but Miss Tavistock's prospectshaving altered, so had all her devoted attachments to the friend of herearly years. She wrote, announcing her intended change of condition,and regretting that Dr Plausible's affairs, requiring his immediatepresence in England, would prevent her having the delight of embracingone, who was so entwined round her heart. The letter was neverthelessvery cold, and Miss Tavistock was very much abused by her dearestfriend, who, disappointed in her expectations, did not even condescendan answer. In a week Miss Tavistock was united to Dr Plausible, and inless than a fortnight afterwards they were on their passage home. DrPlausible found that his wife's report of her circumstances was correct,and that now he had the means of keeping his carriage and of seeingcompany in moderation. Shortly after their return Dr Plausible tookthe lease of a house in a betwixt and between fashionable street, andnot wishing to remain idle, attempted to get into practice as anaccoucheur; for although the fortune brought by his wife wasconsiderable, still, to keep his carriage in London, he was obliged "tosail nearer to the wind," in other points than he found agreeable:moreover he was ambitious. A night-bell, with "night-bell" in capitalletters over it, that people might be aware in the broad day that it wasa night-bell, which of course they could not read in the dark, wasattached to one side of the street door. It was as loud as analarum-bell, and when rung, was to be heard from Number 12 to Number 44,in the street where Dr Plausible resided.
There are little secrets in all trades; and one is, how to obtainpractice as a medical man, which whole mystery consists in making peoplebelieve that you have a great deal. When this is credited, practiceimmediately follows; and Dr Plausible was aware of the fact. At firstsetting off the carriage drew up to the door occasionally, and stoodthere for some time, when the doctor made his appearance, and steppedin. He then took a round of about three hours through every fashionablepart of the town, sitting well forward, that every body might see him,apparently examining his visiting-book. At times he would pull up atsome distinguished person's door, where were two or three carriagesbefore him, and getting out, would go in to the porter to ask somefrivolous question. Another _ruse_ was, to hammer at some titledmansion, and inquire for another titled person, by mistake. Thisoccupied the morning; after which Doctor Plausible returned home.During the first month the night-bell was rung two or three times a weekby the watchman, who was fee'd for his trouble; but after that period itincreased its duties, until it was in motion once, if not twice, everynight, and his disturbed neighbours wished Doctor Plausible and hisextensive practice at the devil. The carriage also was now rattled tothe door in a hurry, and Doctor Plausible was seen to enter with hiscase of instruments, and drive off with rapidity, sometimes twice a day.In the mean time Mrs Plausible did her part, as she extended heracquaintance with her neighbours. She constantly railed against amedical husband; declared that Doctor Plausible was never at home, andit was impossible to say at what hour they might dine. The tables alsowere strewed with the cards of great and fashionable people, obtained byDoctor Plausible from a celebrated engraver's shop, by a douceur to theshopman, when the master was absent. At last Doctor Plausible'sinstruments were used in good earnest; and, although not known or evenheard of in the fashionable world, he was sent for by the would-befashionables, because they imagined that he was employed by theirbetters. Now it so happened that in the same street there lived anothermedical man, almost a prototype of Doctor Plausible, only not quite sowell off in the world. His name was Doctor Feasible. His practice wasnot extensive, and he was incumbered with a wife and large family. Healso very naturally wished to extend his practice and his reputation;and, after many fruitless attempts, he at last hit upon a scheme whichhe thought promised to be successful.
"My dear," said he, one morning to his wife, "I am thinking of gettingup a _conversazione_."
"A _conversazione_, my love!--why, is not that a very expensive affair?"
"Why, not very. But if it brings me practice, it will be money welllaid out."
"Yes, my love, if it does, and if we had the money to lay out."
"Something must be done. I have hardly a patient left. I have an ideathat it will succeed. Go, my dear, and make up this prescription, andlet the boy take it to Mrs Bluestone's. I wish I had a couple of dozenof patients like her.--I write her prescriptions, take my fee, and then,that I may be sure that it is properly made up, I volunteer to take itto the chemist's myself."
"Pray, what is the complaint of Mrs Bluestone, my love?"
"Nothing; she over-eats herself--that's all. Abernethy would cure herin twenty-four hours."
"Well, but, my love, about this _conversazione_?"
"Go, and make up the prescription, my dear, and we'll talk the matterover afterwards."
They did so. A list of the people they were acquainted with was drawnout, the expense calculated, and the affair settled.
The first point to be considered was the size of the cards.
"These, my love," said Mrs Feasible, who came in from a long walk withher bonnet still on, "these are three shillings and sixpence a hundred;and these, which are a size larger, are four-and-sixpence. Which do youthink we ought to have?"
"Why, really, my dear, when one sends out so many, I do not see why weshould incur unnecessary expense. The three-and-sixpenny ones are quitelarge enough."
"And the engraving will be fourteen shillings."
"Well, that will only be a first expense. _Conversazione_, in oldEn
glish, of course."
"And here, my love, are the ribbons for the maid's caps and sashes; Ibought them at Waterloo House, very cheap, and a very prettycandle-light colour."
"Did you speak to them about their gowns?"
"Yes, my love; Sally and Peggy have each a white gown, Betty I can lendone of my own."
The difference between a _conversazione_ and a rout is simply this:--inthe former you are expected to talk or listen; but to be too ethereal toeat. In the latter, to be squeezed in a crowd, and eat ices, etcetera,to cool yourself. A _conversazione_ has, therefore, a great advantageover the latter, as far as the pocket is concerned, it being muchcheaper to procure food for the mind than food for the body. It wouldappear that tea has been as completely established the beverage ofmodern scientific men, as nectar was formerly that of the gods. TheAthenaeum gives tea; and I observed in a late newspaper, that LordG--- has promised tea to the Geographical Society. Had his lordshipbeen aware that there was a beverage invented on board a ship much moreappropriate to the science over which he presides than tea, I feelconvinced he would have substituted it immediately; and I therefore takethis opportunity of informing him that sailors have long made use of acompound which actually goes by the name of _geograffy_, which is only atrifling corruption of the name of the science, arising from theirlaying the accent on the penultimate. I will now give his lordship thereceipt, which is most simple.
Take a tin-pot, go to the scuttle-butt (having obtained permission fromthe quarter-deck), and draw off about half a pint of very offensivesmelling water. To this add a gill of vinegar and a ship's biscuitbroke up into small pieces. Stir it well up with the fore-finger; andthen with the fore-finger and thumb you may pull out the pieces ofbiscuit, and eat them as fast as you please, drinking the liquor to washall down.
Now this would be the very composition to hand round to the GeographicalSociety. It is not christened geography without a reason; the vinegarand water representing the green sea, and the pieces of biscuit floatingin it, the continents and islands which are washed by it.
Now, my lord, do not you thank me for my communication?
But we must return to the _conversazione_ of Doctor and Mrs Feasible.
The company arrived. There was rap after rap. The whole street wasastonished with the noise of the wheels and the rattling of the ironsteps of the hackney-coaches. Doctor Feasible had procured someportfolios of prints: some Indian idols from a shop in Wardour Street,duly labelled and christened, and several other odds and ends, to creatematter of conversation. The company consisted of several medicalgentlemen and their wives, the great Mr B---, and the facetious MrC---. There were ten or twelve authors, or gentlemen suspected ofauthorship, fourteen or fifteen chemists, all scientific of course, onecolonel, half-a-dozen captains, and, to crown all, a city knight and hislady, besides their general acquaintance, unscientific andunprofessional. For a beginning this was very well; and the companydeparted very hungry, but highly delighted with their evening'sentertainment.
"What can all that noise be about?" said Mrs Plausible to her husband,who was sitting with her in the drawing-room, reading the Lancet, whileshe knotted, or _did not_.
"I am sure I cannot tell, Mrs Plausible."
"There, again! I'm sure if I have heard one, I have heard thirty rapsat a door within this quarter of an hour. I'm determined I will knowwhat it is," continued Mrs Plausible, getting up and ringing the bell.
"Thomas, do you know what all that noise is about?" said Mrs Plausible,when the servant answered the bell.
"No, ma'am, I doesn't."
"Well, then, go and see."
"Yes, ma'am."
The impatience of Mrs Plausible, during the absence of Thomas,increased with the repetition of the knocks.
"Well, Thomas?" said she, as the footman entered. "If you please,ma'am, Mr Feasible has got a conwersation--that's all."
"Got a what?"
"A _conversazione_ he means, my dear. It's very strange that MrFeasible should pretend to give such a thing!"
"I think so too," replied the lady. "He keeps no carriage. What can behis inducement!"
"I perceive," replied Dr Plausible, "he wants to get practice. Dependupon it that's his plan. A sprat to catch a mackerel!"
Husband and wife were again silent, and resumed their occupations; butthe Lancet was not read, and the knotting was all in knots, for theywere both in a brown study. At last Mrs Plausible commenced--
"I really do not see, my dear, why we should not give a _conversazione_as well as Dr Feasible?"
"I was just thinking that we could give them much better; ouracquaintance now is very numerous."
"And very respectable," replied the lady; "it will make us more known inthe world."
"And add to my practice. I'll soon beat Doctor Feasible out of thefield!"
The result of this conversation was a _conversazione_, which certainlywas on a much better scale, and better attended than the one collectedby Doctor Feasible. Doctor Plausible had pumped a mutual acquaintanceas to the merits of his rival, and had set to work with great diligence.
He ordered his carriage, and for two or three days previous to the onefixed, went round to all his friends, who had curiosities, foreign,indigenous, or continental, admired them, talked learnedly, expressed awish to exhibit them to several gentlemen of talent at his nextconversazione, pulled out a card for the party, and succeeded inreturning home with his carriage stuffed with curiosities andmonstrosities.
Negus and cherry-water were added to tea in the refreshment-room; andthe conversazione of Doctor Plausible was pronounced by those who hadbeen invited to both, infinitely superior to that of Doctor Feasible. Agood-natured friend called upon Doctor and Mrs Feasible with the news.They pretended indifference, as they bit their lips to conceal theirvexation. As soon as he took his leave--
"Well, my dear," said Mrs Feasible, "what do you think of this? Veryunhandsome on the part of Doctor Plausible! I was told this morningthat several of our acquaintances have expressed a wish to be introducedto him."
"We must not give up the point, my love. Doctor Plausible may make asplash once; but I suspect that his horses eat him out of house andhome, and interfere very much with the butcher's bills. If so, we whokeep no carriage can afford it better. But it's very annoying, as therewill be an increase of expense."
"Very annoying, indeed!" replied the lady. "Look at his card, my dear,it is nearly twice as large as ours. I begged it of Mr Tomkins, onpurpose to compare it."
"Well then, my dear, we must order others, and mind that they measure aninch more than his. It shall cost him something before we have done,I'm determined."
"You heard what Mr Smithson said? They gave negus and cherry-water."
"We must do the same. I've a great mind to give ices."
"Oh! my love, remember the expense."
"Very true; but we can ice our negus and cherry-water. Rough ice isonly two-pence a pound, I believe."
"Well, that will be an improvement."
"And there shall be more, or I'll be in the Bench," replied the Doctorin his wrath.
The next _conversazione_, for which cards were issued by DoctorFeasible, was on a superior scale. There was a considerable increase ofcompany. He had persuaded a country baronet; secured the patronage oftwo ladies of rank (with a slight blot on their escutcheons), andcollected, amongst others, a French count (or adventurer), a baron withmustachios, two German students in their costumes and long hair, and anactress of some reputation. He had also procured the head of a NewZealand chief; some red snow, or rather red water (for it was melted),brought home by Captain Ross; a piece of granite from the Crokermountains; a kitten in spirits, with two heads and twelve legs, andhalf-a-dozen abortions of the feathered or creeping tribes. Every thingwent off well. The two last fees he had received were sacrificed tohave the party announced in the Morning Post, and Doctor Feasible'striumph was complete.
But it was not to last long. In ten days Dr P
lausible's cards wereagain issued, larger than Doctor Feasible's, and with a handsomeembossed border of lilies and roses. Male attendants, tea and coffee,ices and liqueurs were prepared; and Dr Feasible's heart failed him,when he witnessed the ingress and egress of the pastrycooks, with theirboxes on their heads. Among his company he had already mustered up fivecelebrated blues; four ladies of quality, of better reputation than DrFeasible's; seven or eight baronets and knights; a bishop of FernandoPo; three or four general officers; and a dozen French and Germanvisitors to the country, who had not only titles, but wore orders attheir button-holes. Thus far had he advanced when he met NewtonForster, and added him to the list of the invited. In about two hoursafterwards Dr Plausible returned home to his wife, radiant with smiles.
"My dear, who _do_ you think has promised to come to-morrow night?"
"Who, my love?"
"Prince Fizzybelli!"
"You don't say so?" screamed the lady with her delight.
"Yes, most faithfully promised."
"What _will_ the Feasibles say?" cried the lady;--"but--is he a realprince?"
"A real prince! O yes, indeed is he! well known in Tartary."
"Well, Dr Plausible, I have good news for you. Here is a note from MrH---, in answer to yours, in which he promises you the loan of the waxfigure from Germany, of a female in the first stage of par--partu--Ican't make out the word."
"Excellent! most excellent!" cried the doctor, rubbing his hands; "nowwe _shall_ do."
Newton, who had some curiosity to see a _conversazione_, which to himwas a _terra incognita_, did not fail to go at the appointed hour. Hewas ushered up stairs into the drawing-room, at the door of which he wasreceived by Mrs Plausible, in blue and silver. The rooms not beingvery large, were extremely crowded, and Newton at one moment foundhimself jammed against some curiosity, and at another treading on thetoes or heels of people who accepted his apologies, looking daggers; andwith a snarling, "don't mention it."
But a thundering knock at the door was followed by the announcement ofhis Highness Prince Fizzybelli--Prince Fizzybelli at the door--PrinceFizzybelli coming up--Prince Fizzybelli (enters).
Had it been permitted, Dr Plausible would have received his guest witha flourish of trumpets, as great men are upon the stage, without whichit is impossible now-a-days to know a great man from a little one.However, the hired attendants did their duty, and the name of Fizzybelliwas fizzed about the room in every direction. Dr Plausible trod on thecorns of old Lady G---, upset Miss Periwinkle, and nearly knocked down aFrench _savant_, in his struggle to obtain the door to receive hishonoured guest, who made a bow, looked at the crowd--looked at thechandelier--looked at his watch, and looked very tired in the course offive minutes, when Prince Fizzybelli ordered his carriage, and was off.
Newton, who had examined several very strange things, which occupied thetables about the room, at last made his way to the ante-room, where thecrowd was much more dense than elsewhere. Taking it for granted thatthere was something interesting to be seen, he persevered until he hadforced his way to the centre, when what was his astonishment when hebeheld under a long glass-case a figure of a woman modelled in wax, ofexact and certainly of beautiful proportion! It was as large as life,and in a state of perfect nudity. The face lifted up, and discoveredthe muscles beneath: in fact, every part of the image could be removed,and presented to the curious, every part of the human frame, modelledexact, and coloured. Newton was indeed astonished: he had witnessedseveral articles in the other room, which he had considered more fittedfor the museum of an institution than a drawing-room; but this wasindeed a novelty; and when, to crown all, he witnessed certain little_demireps_ of science, who fancied that not to be ashamed was now asmuch a proof of knowledge, as in our first parents it was of innocence,and who eyed the figure without turning away from it or blushing, hequitted the room with disgust, and returned home quite satisfied withone _conversazione_.
I am not partial to blues: generally speaking, ladies do not take upscience until they find that the men will not take up them; and aremarkably clever woman by reputation is too often a remarkablyunpleasant, or a remarkably ugly one. But there are exceptions;exceptions that a nation may be proud of--women who can fulfil theirduties to their husbands and their children, to their God and to theirneighbour, although endowed with minds more powerful than allotted toone man in tens of thousands. These are heavenly blues; and, among thefew, no one shines more pre-eminent than my dear Mrs S---e.
However, whether Newton was satisfied or not, this _conversazione_ was afinisher to Dr Feasible, who resigned the contest. Dr Plausible notonly carried away the palm--but, what was still worse, he carried offthe "practice!"