Except three words had made a huge difference not that long ago. Edward had said I love you.
Flynn had gestured toward the shower and brushed me off with just as many words, hadn’t he?
Looking away from the dress, I shoved my hands into the closet and searched for clothes, grabbing whatever came to hand.
“Miss Gabriella, is there anything I can do for you?” Helen asked from the doorway.
Stifling a sigh, I glanced back over my shoulder. “No.”
She hesitated there, one hand resting on the door jamb. “It’s okay, Helen.” Forcing myself to look back at the dress, I touched it once more. It was cool under my hands. I’d never wear it. I knew that now. It would only make me think of what I’d lost. “I was just thinking about the wedding.” A thought hit me and I grabbed the dress. “I changed my mind. There is something you can do. Donate this to…someplace. Find a charity that helps women or something. I can’t look at it anymore.”
“Oh, Miss Gabriella.” Her face softened. “You must be so disappointed.”
I knew it would sound terrible if I said the truth, that I didn’t know how I felt about it, so I shrugged. “I’m alive. It could have been worse.”
“A positive way to look at it.” She nodded and hooked the dress over her forearm. “October will be before you know.”
Confused, I cocked my head.
“You look so sad.” She smiled gently at me. “Just remind yourself that October will be here before you know it.”
October.
Idiot, I thought. That was when I’d be married and strangely enough, I wasn’t even feeling that stressed about it. Something about almost dying seemed to put things in a weird sort of perspective.
Sighing, I moved over to the edge of the bed and sat down. She continued to watch me. With a tired smile, I shrugged again. “To be honest,” I said, “I’m more concerned about Cody right now. I can’t even think about the wedding.”
“Mr. Cody is young and strong. He’ll be fine.” Then she nodded and slipped out the door. I breathed out a sigh of relief when she actually tugged the door closed behind her, giving me some real privacy.
Oh, I had every reason to believe she was probably sitting outside the door, somewhere close, but I had what felt like real privacy for the first time in days.
***
It didn’t, however, last long.
I blinked groggily at the woman bending down over my bed and tried to figure out why I was seeing her here. “Kendra?”
“Hey, sleepyhead.” She cocked her head, glossy chestnut curls spilling over one shoulder as she bent down and studied my eyes closely, almost too closely. “It’s almost four and you’re still in bed.”
“I’m tired.” I smothered a yawn with my fist. “It’s almost four…and why are you here? Didn’t you say you had a big thing in Europe this week?”
She waved a hand. “It’s been rescheduled.” She settled a hip on the side of my bed. “Edward thought you’d like some company while you’re stuck in the house getting your strength back. He asked if I’d mind staying. He called earlier and Helen told him you were still in bed and he was…” She pursed her lips. “Well, we’re all worried about you, Gabs. I couldn’t very well fly to the other side of the world after what’s happened. I told Edward about it and he worked everything out so I can do the shoot next month.”
Oh, hell…
She waited expectantly.
It would really sound bad if I tried to tell her that all I wanted to do today was sleep and take it easy. Big eyes blinked at me. Those big, light green eyes were getting seriously famous. The latest billboard featuring her held only her eyes, a close-up that Flynn had shot. Heavily lashed, the color vibrant and full of life, Kendra stared down at all of Times Square from her lofty height.
Right now, she stared down at me from her lofty height and I wanted to bury my face in the pillow. “Go away,” I groaned.
I was too tired for this.
“You should get up,” she said, gently. “The doctor was very clear on this.”
Screw the doctor.
But she wouldn’t stop and I knew it. Besides, my body was now too sore for me to go back to bed and the longer I lay there, the more my ribs started to protest. I eased my way upright and I glared at her through my bangs. “Go away,” I said again, my tone grumpy.
Kendra gave me a cheerful grin instead. “Since you’re up, you should come downstairs. Helen will get us some tea, a snack. You’ve lost weight. I’ll be waiting. Call if you need me.”
I tried to tell her I wasn’t hungry, but she was already moving out of the room, a whirl of graceful energy.
I had no energy. And when I swung my legs awkwardly off the bed, I could see that any grace I might have possessed was also gone. The sunshine drill sergeant was nowhere to be seen.
Groaning, I eased off the bed and started the long, miserable trek across the floor.
It was going to be a long day.
***
It turned out to be a long three days.
Each day I got stronger and the pain faded. My ribs were healing and I started taking less of my medication, which helped with the fatigue. But as the pain faded and my strength returned, my patience waned. When Kendra cut into a conversation with Paul, it snapped completely.
“Absolutely not!”
I swung my head around and gaped at her. She moved between my driver and me, hooking her arm through my elbow while Paul looked down at me, frowning. “You can go on, Paul. Gabriella and I will sit down and watch a movie—”
“Stop it,” I snapped.
Paul stepped around Kendra so that he was standing in front of me again. The ghost of a smile lurked at his mouth. Kendra frowned at him, but spoke to me. “If you’re too tired—”
“I’m not tired.” Planting my hands on my hips, I glared at her. “I want to go see Cody and dammit, that’s what I’m going to do.”
Kendra went to pat my arm. I knew exactly what she was going to do because she’d done it a dozen times since I’d woken up. I hadn’t wanted to eat the bland and boring oatmeal and she’d patted my arm—it’s good for you. I hadn’t wanted to do any yoga to stretch out my unbelievably sore body—it’s good for you. I had wanted a BLT for lunch—it’s bad for you.
I side-stepped away from her. If I heard her tell me, one more time, about what was good for me or bad for me, I just might do something that was bad for everybody and everything, including the friendship between me and Kendra. “Stop it. Please.” I took a deep breath before continuing, “Kendra, I know you’re trying to help and I know you’re here as a favor to Edward, but I think it’s time you went home.”
Eyes wide, hurt stamped all over her features, Kendra gaped at me. Shock flitted across her face for a brief moment and then she composed herself. It was like watching a master at work. In the span of a few heartbeats, she was smiling again. Turning away, she began to fuss around the already spotless living room where the two of us spent most of our time. Never mind that I hated this room. It was too pristine, too bright with its all white couches and sharp blue accents. “You’re just tired, honey. You know what the doctor said—”
“Yeah,” I cut her off. “The doctor said I should get back to my normal life as much as I can, as soon as I can.” Turning to Paul, I met his gaze. “I’m ready to go now. Are you?”
***
“Hey, at least you’ve got a pretty woman hanging around,” Cody said, a glower on his handsome face. “I’ve got Nurse Ratched and Dr. Evil.” He shot a glance at the door and then leaned in. “I tried to get up and take a piss and you’d think I’d just sicced a guerilla army on the whole damn hospital. They put a fucking fall alarm on me.”
I pressed my lips together, trying not to laugh at the insult on his face.
“Ah…” After a moment, I thought I could hold it together. “Well, did you fall?”
“Shit.” He tugged at the hem of a t-shirt that cost more than one of those nurses out there made on a d
ay. Then he shrugged. “Yeah. So what? It was a fall. I hit my knee and caught myself. Not like I busted my head open and if I had—” He raised his voice, shouting now. “It would be my own fucking fault for not listening when they told me to call for help!”
A heavyset nurse with a beaming smile appeared in the doorway. Her eyes glinted with humor as she glanced from Cody to me and then back. “Did you call for help, Mr. Bouvier?”
“Bite me.” He sulked, looking for all the world like a petulant child.
I smacked the shoulder of his uninjured arm. “Hey, be nice.”
“Bite me please,” he said pithily.
Sighing, I looked over at the nurse. “I’m sorry. I think there’s a genetic flaw with his family that brings out the asshole in them when they are mad or not feeling well.”
She chuckled and disappeared.
“She doesn’t seem like a Nurse Ratched to me.” Propping my chin on my fist, I leaned in and waited until he met my eyes. “She’s just trying to do her job, Cody. Imagine the hell your mother would give her if you got hurt on her watch. Hell, she’d probably try to get the poor nurse fired.”
Cody opened his mouth to argue. I could see it in his eyes. But then he stopped and sighed, dragging a hand down his face. “Fine, fine. Be sensible. I’ll return the favor.” He gave me a devilish grin. “Just what is Kendra doing that’s so awful?”
“She tried to take away my BLT at lunch.” I scowled.
He blinked. Then he shook his head slowly. “That’s just not right. Nobody should get between a hungry person and their bacon.”
“Damn straight.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “I suppose I should just be grateful that I’m a lefty.” He grinned at me. “Imagine how bored I’d get if I didn’t have a healthy hand.” He winked.
I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Cody?”
He yawned, his jaw all but cracking.
“I better go. You’re getting tired.” When he started to protest, I leaned over and kissed his forehead. “And so am I. I better not overdo it or Edward might hire your Nurse Ratched to come and take care of me.”
“Hmmm.” Cody’s eyes narrowed in thought. “I think I should tell him I saw you swaying on your way out of my room. That you’re pale and you can’t eat.”
“Bite me,” I said, borrowing his phrase from earlier.
He laughed wearily and squeezed my hand. “Come back. Please. My parents came, but all they do is fuss and Mom wails. I need somebody to laugh with and poke me when I’m being a dick.”
“Aren’t Edward and Flynn coming to see you?” I lingered to brush his hair back. He may have been six years older than me, but at the moment, he reminded me more of my little brother, and that brought out the protective streak in me.
“Edward, yeah, some. But he wants to be with you. I don’t blame him. He should be.” His eyes skipped away from mine now and he sighed. “Flynn hasn’t been by since I first woke up. He’s not talking to me either. He blames himself.”
“I know.”
Cody’s lids lifted, revealing haunted eyes. “Do you blame him? Or me?”
“No.” Gripping his hand tightly, I leaned in until we were practically nose to nose. “I blame the truck driver, Cody. That’s who holds the blame here. Not us.”
Relief made his body sag. I kissed the tip of his nose and he was asleep before I stepped out into the hallway.
***
As Paul and I drove up the driveway, I was smiling, feeling almost content for the first time in over a week. That feeling rapidly faded when the car came to a stop and I glimpsed Edward through the window. He was pacing in front of the door. Back and forth. Five long strides this way, five long strides that way. Back and forth, back and forth…
He came to a halt as the car stopped and he leaped off the porch, striding toward me. He reached the door just as I started to open it and I hesitated, staring up at him. He took my hand, helping me from the car. As soon as I was standing, he pulled me to him and clutched me close.
My heart raced, adrenaline surging. What’s wrong…what’s wrong? I patted his back, but I was afraid to ask. So many bad things, so many wrong things had happened lately that I just wasn’t sure if I could spare the emotional capacity to have anything else happen, but it wasn’t in me to avoid something so I made myself ask. “What is it, Edward? What’s wrong?”
He pulled back, his hands gripping my upper arms. “Are you okay?” he demanded. He pushed my hair back from my face, his expression anxious. “You’re pale. Gabriella, you shouldn’t be on your feet for so long. Why did you want Kendra to leave? You need some help around here. You shouldn’t be alone.”
Uncertain what to say, I eased out of his embrace. With a wary smile, I took a step back. Nothing was wrong. He was freaking out about me.
“I’m fine, Edward. Just…tired.” I shrugged, indicating it wasn’t a big deal. And it wasn’t. If I sat down for a bit, had some coffee, or better yet, a nice tall glass of sweet tea, I’d feel fine. Even my ribs weren’t hurting too badly.
“You were in a coma,” he said, his voice earnest, as though he were conveying some vital piece of information that I didn’t already possess.
“I know that.” I kept my voice as calm as I could manage. “I was in a coma. I could have died. I get all of this. Now I want to live, because being cooped up in the house really isn’t that much different from being trapped in a bed, or even trapped in that coma. I’m alive. Let me enjoy that.”
We were inside now and inspiration struck. I caught his hand and tugged him to the study. As the door swung shut behind him, I nudged him back up against the door. “Let’s both enjoy it,” I suggested.
His breath feathered over my face as I rose up onto my toes to kiss him. It had been too long since we’d been together. There was a new ache in my body and it had nothing to do with the accident.
“This isn’t smart.” His breath hitched a little when I stroked my hands down his chest. I could feel his heart thudding against my palms and I knew he wanted it. “You were lying in a hospital bed not even a week ago. And in a coma for two weeks before that.”
“It’s not a week ago, or two weeks ago.” I took one of his hands and guided it to my breast. “And I’m not in a bed right now. I’m here, waiting. I want you.”
Brushing my mouth across his, I leaned closer, letting his body take some of my weight. I was tired, but I was never too tired for something like this. I wanted to feel alive again. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized just how much I needed to feel alive. And sex with Edward was definitely a great way to feel that way.
But he just stood there, still, almost unresponsive, even when I reached up and started to unbutton his shirt. He’d stripped off his jacket and tie so there was less between us, making it easier to push the material away once I’d undone every last button, but he didn’t exactly encourage me.
Scraping my nails down his chest, I watched as his eyes darken. “You want me to feel better?” His chest shuddered when I leaned in and pressed a kiss to the smooth, tanned skin just above his left nipple. “Then touch me. Make love to me. I want to feel alive.”
***
We lay curled up on the couch, a blanket draped across both of us. Edward stroked one hand up and down my naked back, his touch almost absent. I was wet from him, the insides of my thighs slick. His breathing was starting to slow, the sweat on our skin cooling.
But instead of enjoying the afterglow of making love with my fiancé, I felt like I was going to be sick.
I’d done something I’d never done before. I’d faked a climax. I didn’t think he’d noticed, and I wasn’t sure if that made it worse or better. I wanted to cry, but if I did, he’d think he’d hurt me and it would just make things even more awful than they already were.
All I’d wanted was to feel…
But maybe I should have been more specific about what I’d wanted because I’d felt something alright. I’d felt coddled and cosseted and babied. Not wanted. Not d
esired. If ever something had been a mercy fuck, it had been what had just happened. I’d faked the climax just so he’d come, and now I was faking sleep, just to avoid the awkwardness of having to talk to him.
“Gabriella.”
I didn’t stir.
If I tried to say anything, I’d either break out into a fit of screams or sobs. I didn’t know which one and if I wasn’t so tired, I might not have cared. His soft sigh came to my ears and then we were both moving. Edward shifted around and managed to ease out from behind me. I could hear him moving and placed the sounds easily. The rasp of a zipper, the metallic clinking of a belt buckle.
When he came back to me and scooped me up into his arms, I let my head loll into his chest and continued to feign sleep. Maybe in a few hours, a few days tops, I could figure out how to handle this without looking at him and wanting to cry.
It wasn’t long before he had me exactly where he wanted me. Tucked up in bed, safe and protected.
And alone.
Because heaven forbid he might jostle me in the middle of the night or want to put his arms around me.
He clicked out the lights and left, the door shutting quietly behind him.
Chapter 20
Reading a computer screen all day will give you one hell of a headache, especially if you wake up with a headache, and I had. But by four o’clock, I’d amassed a decent list of job leads, some hopeful, some possible, some unlikely, but all within my level of experience and most importantly, not a one of them involved me taking off my clothes or wearing scanty bits and pieces of lace while a sexy, brooding photographer loomed over me.
My neck started to prickle.
I looked up to find Edward standing in the doorway, briefcase in hand. His eyes studied me for a long moment before moving down to roam over the desk, over my laptop, my notes and neatly stacked projects. I’d printed off several of them and had plans to spend the evening going over the best of them before I went out tomorrow in hopes of talking to some of the possible positions I’d found. I already had four emails out and one had even replied back with interest.