Sound
Does the chocolate snap when you break it? Or is the chocolate soft and mushy? Usually, dark chocolate is drier than milk chocolate, which makes dark chocolate snappier.
Scent
Most of what we think of as taste is scent. So before biting into your chocolate, take a whiff. What do you smell other than simply chocolate? Any fruits or spices? Maybe a dirty smell or even a bad smell?
Taste
When you take your first bite, pinch your nose. This way you’ll be certain that what you’re tasting you’re actually tasting and not smelling. Remember, by itself the tongue can only detect five flavors: salt, sweet, sour, bitter, and umami (savoriness).
Texture
Finally, release your nose and let the chocolate melt across your tongue. What does it feel like? It should be smooth but not waxy. Hard but not grainy.
As the chocolate melts, different flavors are released. What does it taste like at first? What tastes linger afterward? Where do you taste the chocolate on your tongue?
SELECTED RECIPES FROM…
PB’S SECRET CHOCOLATE COOKBOOK
Remember, anyone can be a master chef. All it takes is the right ingredient—chocolate!
PB’s All-Time Favorite Chocolate Recipe
• 1 bar of chocolate (preferably dark)
• 1 hand
• 1 mouth
Grasp bar in hand. Stick in mouth. Oh wait—REMOVE WRAPPER. Then stick in mouth. Now eat. Repeat.
NOTE: SPEED IS OF THE ESSENCE IN THIS RECIPE. OTHERWISE, SOMEBODY MAY SEE YOU AND YOU MAY BE FORCED TO SHARE.
Zuper-Rapide Mousse au Chocolat
(Super-Fast Chocolate Mousse)
• 1 cup of cream
• 1 bar of chocolate
• 1 beret
• French accent
Whip cream with blender until it makes little mountain peaks. Melt chocolate in small saucepan. (The best way to do this is to put the saucepan inside a larger pot filled with warm water.) * Then stir chocolate into whipped cream. Lick fingers. Tip beret. Say voila. Serve.
Caca Boy’s Aztec Hot Chocolate
The Aztecs drank chocolate in all sorts of ways, with all sorts of flavorings, but usually they preferred their chocolate hot and spicy.
• Hot cocoa mix
• Hot water (or milk)
• Cinnamon
• Chili powder
Follow directions on the hot cocoa package. Then add cinnamon. And, if you’re brave, a pinch of chili powder.
TIP: WHEN PREPARING THIS DRINK FOR THERS, DON’T TELL THEM ABOUT THE CHILI. SEE HOW THEY REACT.
Triple Chocolate Hot Fudge Sundae
Just like a normal hot fudge sundae, but in place of vanilla ice cream, try chocolate ice cream. And in place of whipped cream, use chocolate mousse (see recipe above). The hot fudge part stays the same, naturally. Unless you want to triple the usual of amount of fudge, in which case you have a Triple Triple Chocolate Hot Fudge Sundae.
Chocolate Fondue
The only thing better than cheese fondue.
• Chocolate for melting
• Things for dipping (i.e., bananas, strawberries, orange sections, cookies, marshmallows, fingers)
Melt chocolate in bain-marie or fondue pot. Dip selected items. Eat until you feel sick.
Indoor S’mores
A proper s’more is made beside a campfire and consists of one roasted marshmallow and two broken pieces of chocolate sandwiched between graham cracker squares. Ideally, the marshmallow is golden brown not burned (although the charred marshmallow has its supporters!) and hot enough to melt the chocolate. If you’re anything like me, you spend much of your life impatiently waiting for your next s’more. But let’s face it. For most of us, campfires are few and far between. After much reflection, I think I have found a solution—something to tide us over until the next campfire:
Stick a marshmallow onto a skewer or fondue fork. Dip the marshmallow in chocolate fondue. Then place it between two squares of graham cracker. Behold the Indoor S’more!
Important: you must tell or listen to a ghost story while eating. Otherwise, your Indoor S’more is no more a s’more than I am.
Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies
Chocolate chip cookies are almost perfect. This is how you correct their one minor flaw.
• 1 chocolate chip cookie recipe (see back of chocolate chip package)
• ½ cup (or a little more) cocoa powder
• extra dough for eating uncooked
Follow the instructions in your chocolate chip cookie recipe. But before spooning out your cookies, add cocoa powder. Stir.
NOTE: IF YOU FEEL YOUR COOKIES STILL AREN’T CHOCOLATY ENOUGH, YOU MAY ADD BROKEN PIECES OF CHOCOLATE BARS AND / OR M&M’S.
Chocolate Egg Cream
If your grandparents were raised in Brooklyn, they probably wax poetic about the joys of this classic soda fountain concoction.
• Seltzer water
• Chocolate syrup
• Milk
• Not a single egg
Like James Bond’s martini, an egg cream should be shaken, not stirred.
PB’s Grilled PB, B, and C
• Two slices of bread
• Peanut butter
• One banana, sliced
• One chocolate bar
• Butter
• Milk (for drinking)
Make a peanut butter, banana, and chocolate sandwich. Butter the outside. Grill in a pan or heat in a panini press. Serve with glass of milk. Inform any nearby adults that they are not allowed to taste your sandwich—it will make them fat.
MAX-ERNEST’S ONE HUNDRED HELLOS
Afrikaans Hallo
Albanian Allo
Alsatian Bùschùr
Apache Dad’atay
Arabic Salaam
Assyrian Shlomo
Balinese Om swastyastu
Basque Kaixo
Belorussian Pryvitáni
Bengali Nomoskaar
Blackfoot Oki
Bulgarian Zdravéi
Burmese Mingala ba
Cantonese Néih hóu
Catalan Hola
Chaldean Shlama illakh
Chechen Marsha voghiila
Cherokee O-si-yo
Cheyenne Haaahe
Creole Bonjou
Croatian Zdravo
Czech Dobrý den
Danish Goddag
Dutch Hoi
Edo Kóyo
Egyptian (ancient) Iiti em hotep
Esperanto Saluton
Farsi Salaam
Fijian Bula
Finnish Hei
French Bonjour
Ga Mingabu
Gaeilge (Irish) Haileo
Gaelic (Scottish) Halò
Georgian Gamardjoba
German Guten tag
Greek Yiassou
Hawaiian Aloha
Hebrew Shalom
Hindi Namasté
Huichol Ke áku
Hungarian Jó napot
Icelandic Góðan daginn
Indonesian Selamat siang
Inuktitut Asujutilli
Italian Ciâo
Japanese Konnichi wa
Korean Annyong haseyo
Kurdi Rozhbash
Ladino Shalom
Latin Ave
Latvian Sveiki
Lithuanian Labas
Luganda Ki kati
Luxembourgish Moiën
Maasai Supa
Macedonian Zdravo
Maltese Bonju
Manchu Ei
Mandarin Nî hâo
Maori Kia ora
Mixe Za jiatzy
Náhuatl Niltze
Navajo Yá’át’ééh
Nepali Namaste
Nimo Nena wenao
Norwegian Goddag
Polish Dzie´n dobry
Portuguese Olá
Punjabi (Sikh) Sat siri akal
Punjabi (Muslim) Asslaam alaikam
Punjabi (Hindu) Na
maste
Romani Yov sasti
Russian Zdravstvuite
Samoan Talofa
Sanskrit Namo namah
Slovak Ahoj
Slovenian Živijo
Somali Maalin wanagsan
Spanish Hola
Swedish Hej
Tagalog Kamusta
Tajik Saläm
Thai Sawatdee khrab
Tongan Malo e lelei
Turkish Merhaba
Ukrainian Pryvit
Urdu Assalam-o-Alekum
Vietnamese Chào
Walloon Bondjoû
Welsh Dydd da
Xhosa Molo
Xucuru-Cariri Akakáume
Yiddish Sholem aleykhem
Yoruba E kú àárò
Yucateco Ki’ki’t’áantabah
Zapotec Pa diuxi
Zulu Sawubona
Zuñi Keshi
* AT A FANCY RESTAURANT, A CHEF WILL OFTEN SEND AN AMUSE-BOUCHE TO YOUR TABLE BEFORE HE OR SHE SERVES THE MAIN MEAL. TRANSLATED FROM FRENCH, IT MEANS AMUSE THE MOUTH. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT MY MOUTH HAS A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR
* PALET D’OR IS MORE PROPERLY TRANSLATED AS “PALETTE” OR “DISK OF GOLD.” BUT I THINK “PILLOW OF GOLD” IS MUCH MORE ROMANTIC.
** TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE A SUPERTASTER, TRY THE TEST IN THE aPPENDIX OF THIS BOOK.
* YOU SAY COCAO, I SAY CACAO… SINCE SIMONE GREW UP ON A CHOCOLATE PLANTATION, SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT CHOCOLATE IS MADE FROM SEEDS—CACAO SEEDS. HOWEVER, I THINK YOU’LL FIND THAT MOST PEOPLE REFER TO CACAO SEEDS AS COCOA BEANS. COCOA ESSENTIALLY BEING A MISSPELLING OF CACAO. FOR A FULLER LIST OF CHOCOLATE TERMINOLOGY, SEE THE CHOCOLOSSARY IN THE APPENDIX.
* QUIXOTIC MEANS SOMETHING LIKE: IDEALISTIC OR ROMANTIC TO THE POINT OF BEING COMPLETELY IMPRACTICAL. ITREFERS TO THE MAIN CHARACTER IN CERVANTES’S NOVEL, DON QUIXOTE. A CHARACTER WHO WAS ALWAYS TAKING OFF ON IMPOSSIBLE QUESTS. WHAT AN HONOR TO BE SO FAMOUS THAT YOUR NAME BECOMES A WORD! COME TO THINK OF IT, MY NAME, PSEUDONYMOUS, APPEARS IN MOST DICTIONARIES…
* OF COURSE, IF YOU’VE READ MY OTHER BOOKS, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT CASSANDRA WASN’T HER REAL NAME. ALL THE NAMES OF MY CHARACTERS ARE MADE UP; THEY’RE CODE NAMES IN-TENDED TO PROTECT THE IDENTITIES OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. THE POINT HERE IS THAT THE NAME CASS THOUGHT WAS HER REAL NAME, THE NAME CASS WENT BY IN HER DAILY LIFE, THE NAME HER FRIENDS CALLED HER AND THAT SHE CALLED HERSELF—A NAME I WILL NEVER EVER DI-VULGE—THAT NAME WAS NOT CASS’S REAL NAME EI-THER.
BY IN HER DAILY LIFE, THE NAME HER FRIENDS CALLED HER AND THAT SHE CALLED HERSELF — A NAME I WILL NEVER EVER DIVULGE — THAT NAME WAS NOT CASS’S REAL NAME EITHER.
* ZANIES, IF YOU HAVEN’T GUESSED, ARE CLOWNS. FOR MORE CIRCUS LINGO, LOOK IN THE BACK OF MY FIRST BOOK. YOU KNOW, THAT BOOK WITH THE CONFUSING NAME.
* YO-YOJI RECOMMENDS THE FILMS OF AKIRA KUROSAWA, ESPECIALLY THE SEVEN SAMURAI AND YOJIMBO.
* SORRY, I DON’T REMEMBER THE BRAND. YOU’D PROBABLY KNOW IMMEDIATELY IF YOU SAW THEM. BUT AT MY AGE WE DON’T ALWAYS PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO THE NAMES WRITTEN ON SNEAKERS.
* TURN TO THE APPENDIX FOR MAX-ERNEST’S LIST OF A HUNDRED HELLOS.
* IF YOU’RE THE TYPE WHO CARES ABOUT THESE SORTS OF THINGS—AND BY THINGS I MEAN CHILDREN—YOU CAN FOLLOW CASS’S LEAD AND RESEARCH THE SUBJECT YOURSELF. TO BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THE CHOCOLATE YOU EAT IS NOT THE FRUIT OF CHILD LABOR, LOOK FOR AFAIR TRADE LABEL.
* A KITCHEN STAFF HAS A HIERARCHY LIKE THE CREW ON A SHIP. SOUS-CHEF MEANS “UNDER-CHEF.” HE OR SHE IS THE SECOND IN COMMAND.
* YES, CHOCOLATL WAS THE AZTEC WORD FOR CHOCOLATE. OR AT LEAST WHAT THE SPANISH THOUGHT THE AZTEC WORD WAS. NOBODY REALLY KNOWS WHERE THE NAME CHOCOLATE CAME FROM.
* THE AZTECS BELIEVED THEY MUST SACRIFICE A BRAVE MAN TO THE SUN GOD, HUITZILOPOCHTLI, EVERY DAY. OTHERWISE, THEY FEARED, THE SUN WOULD NOT RISE THE NEXT MORNING.
* IF YOU’VE READ IF YOU’RE READING THIS IT’S TOO LATE, THEN YOU KNOW I AM REFERRING TO CASS’S FRIEND, MR. CABBAGE FACE, THE HOMUNCULUS, NOW SADLY DECEASED. IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK, WELL, THEN IT REALLY IS TOO LATE. I’VE JUST SPOILED THE ENDING.
* AN OXYMORON, IF YOU DON’T KNOW, IS NOT AN OX OR A MORON; IT IS A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS. HERE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITES: SILENT SCREAM, LIVING DEAD, VIRTUAL REALITY, OPEN SECRET, SAME DIFFERENCE, AND SPEAKING OF HOMEWORK IN SUMMER, SUMMER SCHOOL.
* DO YOU KNOW WHAT A RHETORICAL QUESTION IS? WAIT—DON’T ANSWER THAT! A RHETORICAL QUESTION IS A QUESTION THAT’S NOT MEANT TO BE ANSWERED.
* AS A SIDE NOTE: TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TAME A MAMBA. EITHER THE SNAKE WAS DEFANGED OR SOMETHING ELSE WAS GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE.
* AS MUCH I LIKE THEM, I HAVE TO ADMIT YO-YOJI WAS CORRECT IN HIS ASSESSMENT OF HIS COMRADES. THEY WEREN’T BEING VERY CAUTIOUS. IT WAS JUST THAT CASS, THE SURVIVALIST, WAS UNABLE TO RESIST ANSWERING AN ENVIRONMENTAL QUESTION; AND MAX-ERNEST, THE FACTOIDOLOGIST, WAS UNABLE TO RESIST ANSWERING ANY KIND OF QUESTION.
(FACTOID #1: A FACTOID IS A USELESS PIECE OF INFORMATION. FACTOID #2: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FACTOIDOLOGIST.)
** A GROUP OF FLAMINGOES IS ALSO REFERRED TO AS A STAND OF FLAMINGOES, BUT I PREFER THE WORD FLAMBOYANCE—DON’T YOU?
* SINCE WE’RE NOT ON THE SAME TIGHT SCHEDULE AS OUR YOUNG FRIENDS, PERHAPS I SHOULD TAKE THE TIME TO TELL YOU THAT A XERUS IS AN AFRICAN GROUND SQUIRREL. IT’S ALSO A GOOD WORD TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU’RE PLAYING SCRABBLE.
* WHILE OUR SURVIVALIST HEROINE DESERVES CREDIT FOR GETTING HERSELF AND HER FRIENDS SAFELY AWAY FROM THE LIONS, I WOULDN’T NECESSARILY TRY THE SAME METHOD IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF FACING A LION. I SUSPECT THE REAL REASON THE LIONS HAD NO INTEREST IN EATING CASS AND HER FRIENDS IS THAT THE LIONS HAD ALREADY BEEN FED. BUT THAT’S ONLY SPECULATION.
* UNCHARACTERISTICALLY, MAX-ERNEST’S DEFINITION IS INCORRECT. HAPTODSYPHORIA IS NOT, STRICTLY SPEAKING, A FEAR OF ANYTHING. IT IS RATHER THE UNPLEASANT SENSATION SOME PEOPLE GET TOUCHING CERTAIN OBJECTS—ESPECIALLY FUZZY ONES. LIKE PEACHES OR KIWIS.
* I PERSONALLY CANNOT TELL THE TWO GIRLS APART, BUT I HAVE IDENTIFIED THEM RETROACTIVELY BY EXAMINING THE CREDITS ON THE FILM THEY WERE MAKING.
* I ASSUME IT WAS A REPRODUCTION, ALTHOUGH I WOULDN’T PUT IT PAST THE MIDNIGHT SUN TO STEAL THE ORIGINAL FROM ITS HOME AT THE NATIONAL MUSEUM OF ANTHROPOLOGY IN MEXICO CITY. SOMETIMES KNOWN AS THE AZTEC CALENDAR, THE SUN STONE SHOWS HOW THE AZTECS MEASURED TIME (THEIR MONTHS WERE ONLY TWENTY DAYS LONG). AS I’M SURE CASS WOULD BE VERY INTERESTED TO KNOW, THE SUN STONE ALSO DEPICTS THE FOUR DISASTERS THAT THE AZTECS BELIEVED DESTROYED THE FOUR UNIVERSES THAT PRECEDED THEIRS.
* AS READERS OF A CERTAIN UNMENTIONABLE BOOK WILL REMEMBER, THE SYMPHONY OF SMELLS CONSISTED OF VIALS CONTAINING A VARIETY OF SCENTS, EACH SCENT CORRESPONDING TO AN INSTRUMENT IN THE ORCHESTRA. THE SYMPHONY OF SMELLS IS WHAT LED CASS AND MAX-ERNEST TO INVESTIGATE THE DISAPPEARANCE OF PIETRO, AND ULTIMATELY TO JOIN THE TERCES SOCIETY. A TRAGIC MISTAKE? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
* THE SAMURAI, YOU UNDERSTAND, WERE POET WARRIORS, MASTERS OF BUN AND BU, “PEN AND SWORD, IN ACCORD,” AS THE SAYING GOES.
A HAIKU, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, IS A JAPANESE POETIC FORM THAT CONSISTS OF THREE LINES: THE FIRST LINE HAS FIVE SYLLABLES, THE SECOND HAS SEVEN, AND THE THIRD HAS FIVE. THE THEME OF A HAIKU
USUALLY CONCERNS NATURE. IF YOU’VE NEVER WRITTEN A HAIKU, I SUGGEST YOU TRY. HAIKUS ARE ESPECIALLY FUN WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY AT SOMEONE AND YOU WANT TO WRITE MEAN THINGS ABOUT THEM — IN PRIVATE, OF COURSE.
* HAVE YOU EVER TRIED WRITING IN CHOCOLATE? I CAN TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE THAT IT’S VERY DIFFICULT. USUALLY, THE CHOCOLATE MELTS BEFORE YOU FINISH, AND YOU HAVE TO WRITE YOUR FINAL WORDS FINGERPAINT STYLE. OF COURSE, THE CONSOLATION IS GETTING TO LICK OFF THE CHOCOLATE AFTERWARD.
* IF YOU PRACTICE YOGA, YOU MAY RECOGNIZE THIS AS COBRA POSITION.
* MAX-ERNEST IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT ABOUT THIS. THE MOST FAMOUS EXAMPLE BEING ALFRED HITCHCOCK’S TERRIFYING MOVIE, PSYCHO, WHICH I DON’T SUGGEST YOU WATCH UNTIL YOU’RE MUCH OLDER (EVEN IF YOU’RE AN ADULT ALREADY).
/> * THIS KIND OF WARM WATER BATH IS CALLED A BAIN-MARIE. SUPPOSEDLY, THE BAIN-MARIE WAS INVENTED BY AN ALCHEMIST IN ANCIENT ALEXANDRIA, MARIA THE JEWESS, WHO NEEDED A GENTLE WAY TO MELT HER ALCHEMICAL MATERIALS. LATER, IT BECAME A PREFFERED METHOD FOR MELTING CHOCOLATE. AS IT TURNS OUT, THERE IS MORE TO THE CHOCOLATE–ALCHEMY CONNECTION THAN THE ILLUSTRIOUS MEMBERS OF THE TERCES SOCIETY INITIALLY SUPPOSED.
Pseudonymous Bosch, This Book Is Not Good for You
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