“You’re not now?”
She was baiting me. I knew that, and, boy did it take everything for me not to fall for it. I felt like shit knowing that she had walked in on something like that. “I know this is no excuse, but we didn’t know each other. Not really. I’m sorry if I hurt you—”
“Just forget about it,” she snapped quickly, lifting a hand and thrusting her fingers through her hair. Curls shot in every direction. “It doesn’t matter now.”
“Obviously it fucking matters, because you’re still holding it against me,” I shot back. Striving to stay cool, I took a deep breath. “I am sorry, Andrea. Really. You walking in on something like that isn’t cool. The fact I don’t remember you isn’t either. Especially when you liked me. Did you really have a crush on me?” I said, hoping to lighten the conversation.
Frowning, she still didn’t look at me. “I did.”
My stomach dipped a little. “You still do.”
Her shoulders rose with a sigh, and it seemed like she was about to say something, but the door behind her opened and Kyler stuck his head out. He looked like he’d literally just woken up as he gave us a sleepy look.
“We’re hitting the road soon,” he announced. “But I’m going to make omelets.”
I started to tell Kyler he could shove the omelets in a place that would probably upset Syd, but what he said sank in. “Hitting the road?”
“Yeah.” He stepped out, shutting the door behind him. “Syd and I talked it over, and we think it’s best if we go ahead and cut this short and head home.”
“What?” Andrea said. “Why? We have two more days left.”
Kyler scrubbed his fingers through his messy hair. “We know, but both of us are ready to just get back to our place.”
I was calling bullshit on this.
So was Andrea. “It’s because of last night, isn’t it?’ Her voice cracked, and I took a step toward her, wanting to somehow comfort her. “That’s why you all want to leave?”
Kyler dropped his arm and opened his mouth, but Andrea rushed on, clasping her hands across her waist. “I’m not going to drink anymore and I won’t fight with Tanner. Please.”
Damn, it was like having a hot poker shoved in my chest and feeling it twist as she continued. “I promise. I don’t want to be the reason you guys have to leave. I know how much you two were looking forward to this.”
“That’s not the reason,” Kyler said softly, too quietly. “We’re just ready to head home.”
“But what about fishing? I remember Syd mentioning something about fishing.” Andrea’s gaze swung to mine, her eyes wide and pleading for me to somehow change this. “There’s still stuff to do.”
“She’s right,” I jumped in. “Man, you guys don’t have to do this.”
Kyler drew in a deep breath and he smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “We’re leaving in about two hours.” His tone said the decision had been made. He reached for the door, sliding it open. “But I’m going to make some omelets. With green peppers and mushrooms. Yum.”
Andrea didn’t move as she stared at the closed glass door, but then she turned to me, her lower lip trembling. “I’ve ruined everything.”
Chapter 20
Andrea
Although the omelets smelled amazing, after one bite the fluffy eggs and veggies turned to sawdust in my mouth. I couldn’t eat or force myself to pretend that I could. Between blurting out how I’d first met Tanner and then Kyler’s announcement, I was ready to go cry somewhere. I dumped my food and quickly washed the plate, leaving the kitchen to find Syd. I didn’t look at Tanner as I left the kitchen.
Syd was in their room, packing. I hesitated at the door, feeling like absolute crap. Guilt churned restlessly as she glanced over her shoulder at me. “Thank you for last night,” I said, watching her fold a shirt. “For helping me. I appreciate it.”
“It’s no big deal. It’s a practice run for me, right?” she teased. “You’re feeling better?”
I nodded. My headache was partly due to the anxiety attack and mostly because I’d gotten plastered. “Syd, we don’t have to leave.”
Syd dropped a ball of socks into the suitcase and turned toward me. Her expression was pinched, somber. “Yeah, we do.”
“But—”
“Both of us are ready to go home, and it’s actually calling for rain again, later tonight and all day tomorrow. So if we stayed, we’d be stuck inside,” she continued. “And honestly, none of us need cabin fever.”
I shifted my weight from one foot to the next. “It’s because of last night, isn’t it? I promise—”
“Andrea, you know I love you. You’re my best friend. Seriously.” She sighed as she walked over to me, and I tensed. “I just don’t think this is good for you right now. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t have pushed you toward Tanner. That wasn’t a smart move.”
My mouth dried as my stomach tightened.
She looked up at me with all seriousness. “I know you haven’t told me that anything happened between you two, but I’m not stupid. Something did, and maybe it shouldn’t have, not right now.”
“Not right now?” I heard myself repeat.
Sydney drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She squared her shoulders, and I prepared for a blow. “Like I said, I love you. I do. And it…it kills me to see the way you were last night. You never would’ve gotten to that point if you hadn’t drunk so much. And you know, deep down, that is true.”
I did. I so did.
“What you need right now isn’t a guy,” she said quietly. “What you need is help.”
You need help.
Those words recycled over and over in my head. She hadn’t stopped there. She’d talked about meetings and therapy and getting to the root of my problem. I was like a chunk of ice by the time I left her room and started gathering up my stuff.
You need help.
My brain couldn’t shake those three words, couldn’t let them go. I felt like I was going to be sick. Like at any given minute, I could just hurl all over the shorts I was stacking in my suitcase.
You need help.
Was it that bad? Was I that bad? I’d just made a stupid decision last night. Well, a stupid decision fueled by other dumb decisions that were rooted in a whole bunch of idiocy. If I could just stop making dumb decisions, I’d be fine.
I’d just shoved my undies into the suitcase when I felt a presence behind me. I didn’t even need to turn to see who it was. I just knew. It was the guy that I apparently didn’t need.
“I really don’t want to talk,” I said when he didn’t speak.
There was a pause. “I think that’s the problem. You never want to talk when you really need to talk.”
I laughed hoarsely. “Jesus.” I slammed my makeup caddy into the suitcase and whirled around. He’d changed from earlier, wearing jeans and a worn shirt that clung to his broad shoulders. “Is today the day when everyone tells me all about all my problems? Because if so, can we fast forward to the part where I say none of this is fucking news to me?”
Tanner blinked, taken aback. “Okay. Look—”
“No. There is no ‘okay’ or ‘looking.’” My voice shook. “We ruined this for them. Or I ruined it for them. It doesn’t matter. This trip was ruined. Okay? So there’s really nothing I want to talk about right now.”
He opened his mouth and then closed it. A long moment stretched out between us, and in that time, I wanted so much—so damn much. I wanted to redo this whole trip, our whole freaking relationship. I wanted to cross the little distance between us and throw my arms around him, because it wasn’t that I needed Tanner. I wanted him. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, but I wasn’t sure what I was even sorry for or what I wasn’t sorry for.
And all I did was stand there and stare at him.
“Okay. You don’t want to talk. You don’t want to figure out what’s going on between us. I respect that.” He exhaled loudly. “That’s why I’m not going to force this. I’m no
t going to chase you down once we leave here. You come to me when you’re ready, and if you don’t? Well, that’s a damn shame, because I think that no matter what is going on in your head, we could have something real between us.”
My tongue wouldn’t move. My jaw was locked down, because whatever Tanner thought we had between us would swan-dive out the window when he really got to know me.
Tanner’s shoulders rose with another deep breath as he rubbed the palm of his hand over his chest, above his heart. His voice was flat when he spoke, and his gaze distant, almost cold. “Later, then.”
He left the room without so much as a glance back. I closed my eyes, holding my breath until my lungs started to burn, and I went beyond that moment, right up until when I had to drag in air.
“Later” didn’t sound like a promise. “Later” sounded almost like a goodbye. “Later” was totally expected.
As expected, the ride home was a sad and awkward affair. There were no long or teasing looks between Tanner and me. Kyler wasn’t grinning at us in the rearview mirror. Syd had her nose buried in her eReader, and that was about the only thing that was similar to the trip up.
The sky was overcast and cruddy, and as we drew closer to Maryland, it started to drizzle. Tanner was the first one to be dropped off.
He climbed out, hesitating as our eyes met, and then he closed the door. I pressed my lips together and told myself not to look when he walked out from behind the car with his duffel bag, but I did.
I looked up, peering out the window. He stopped by my side, tapped the window, and then moved on to Kyler’s window. “I’ll text you later,” he told him, and then he was off.
Tanner didn’t speak to me, not that I was expecting that, but my chest still ached. When Kyler pulled up in front of my apartment, Syd followed me upstairs.
I stepped inside, suddenly weary to my very bones. Dropping my suitcase just inside the door, I faced my very closest friend. Neither of us said anything, and I almost said the things I’d never said to her before.
“I’m sorry,” was all that came out of my mouth.
Sydney’s smile was somewhat sad as she said, “I know.”
The next few days flat-out sucked.
I spent them in my apartment, ignoring the calls from my mom and dad. I knew nothing had happened, because if so, Brody would’ve showed up. I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with them. They’d mean well, of course, but I never felt like I…like they were proud of me when I got off the phone with them. Their disappointment always lingered like a festering wound.
I’d slept most of Sunday and Monday away, holed up in my bed. At some point during that time, I decided I needed a dog or a cat. Weird and random, but I thought then maybe my place wouldn’t seem so cold and empty.
By Tuesday afternoon, I’d ventured out of my bedroom and ended up spending the majority of the day roaming around my apartment aimlessly. So much was floating around in my head, and I wanted to talk to Syd, but I didn’t want to bother her. Although she hadn’t said she was upset, I knew she had to be. I didn’t blame her. I was pissed at myself.
I needed a change.
Standing in my living room, I took a drink of the beer I had left in my fridge while I turned in a slow circle. I ran my fingers through my hair. I didn’t like where the TV was, and that was an easy fix. Over the next hour, I moved the television to the other side of the room, dragged the couch across the floor, and rearranged the leaning bookshelves. My arms ached as I studied the walls. Maybe I needed to paint. It wouldn’t be the first time. I’d gone through at least three different colors since I’d moved in, and now I was regretting going back to the sandy beige color.
Maybe that’s what I’d do tomorrow.
I still had a couple of weeks before classes started, and I wasn’t volunteering that week, so obviously I had time. Plenty of time.
You need help.
Sleep last night was elusive, even with the help of the sleep aid and the three beers I’d drunk. I hadn’t meant to drink that much, and I wondered if it was somehow counter-effective to the sleeping pill. I shouldn’t have taken it, but I kind of forgot that I’d been drinking when I’d popped it in my mouth. Or maybe I just didn’t care.
I lay in bed, unable to shut my head down. I kept picking up my phone, but who would I call? Syd would be asleep, and I couldn’t call Tanner, but damn, I wanted to. I had no idea what to say to him.
He’d told me there might be something real between us, but he…gosh, he deserved better than this.
So I played a game. Then I checked Facebook. Then played another game. Finally, around four in the morning, I drifted off to sleep, not really even looking forward to tomorrow, because I figured it would be like today. Today sucked, much like yesterday and the day before.
I slept most of Wednesday away, but it wasn’t a useful type of sleep. I never seemed to hit a deep enough level and when I did, I dreamt of being in a house, and I couldn’t find my way out. In the dream, I wasn’t alone, but I could never find the person who was there with me. They seemed one step ahead, and I was simply lost, never finding the correct door, the one that would let me out.
The quiet moments were getting to me.
Around six, I drank the last apple-cider-flavored beer, but that didn’t relax me. Nothing was on TV, and I dismissed the idea of rearranging my bedroom. The only thing left to do was to get the paint. At least I could do that. Maybe I’d invite Syd over, and we could have a painting party. I could get one of those cheese and meat platters. And I could also get a slew of hot guy movies—movies with Theo James and Jude Law and Tom Hardy and other hot British dudes. Were all of them British? I didn’t know. Their voices were hot and that was all that mattered.
Grabbing my purse and keys, I headed out to where my Lexus was parked and made my way to Lowe’s. Before I headed in, I texted Syd a quick rundown of my plans and then found myself standing in front of a million and one paint choices.
Well, crap.
Probably should’ve decided on a color. It took a God-awful amount of time before I settled on a charcoal gray and even longer to find someone to mix the damn paint. Two hours had passed by the time I’d made it back to my car and into the grocery store down the street.
It wasn’t until after I picked up the yummy summer sausage dish that I realized I hadn’t heard my phone ding. Sitting in the parking lot, I dug my phone out of my bag and saw that Syd had texted me back.
Not 2night. Maybe this weekend.
Disappointment rose so swiftly, it was like being caught in a summer storm. I stared for so long at the text, the words blurred. I tossed the phone back in my purse and I sat there, staring at the empty car across from me.
Now what in the hell was I supposed to do with the summer sausage? Probably should’ve checked my texts before I’d bought the stuff. I rolled my eyes. God, that was stupid.
Anger flashed through me like a strike of heat lightning. It was irrational. I had no reason to be mad at Syd. Wasn’t like this was planned. Wasn’t like she had a need to hang out with me after this weekend. Wasn’t like—
I cut those thoughts off, dug my phone out of my bag, and then sent her a quick okay. My attention wandered back to the vacant truck. I couldn’t go home. I’d go crazy if I went back to my apartment.
I didn’t even remember driving to the bar that we usually hung out at together. With college not back in yet and being the middle of the week, the place was pretty dull. As I crossed the floor I’d danced on more times than I could remember, I grabbed one of the many empty stools at the bar.
“Hey there,” the bartender moseyed on up, smiling. He was cute. Older. I think he recognized me. “What can I get you?”
As I played with my phone, I considered a beer. “How about a Long Island?”
“Coming up.” He wiped his hands on the towel. “Tab or pay as you go?”
“Pay,” I mumbled as I dug out my wallet. Seemed ridiculous to run a tab on a Wednesday night.
My eyes water
ed when I took the first drink of the Long Island Iced Tea. Goodness, it was strong, but I slurped it up, welcoming the burn as it blazed down my throat and chest.
I finished off the drink and then ordered a beer as I glanced around the bar. A few guys were by one of the two pool tables. One of them looked vaguely familiar. My gaze moved on as I drank. At the other end of the bar were two middle-aged men. They looked…tired.
“Another?”
Surprised, I glanced up at the bartender. “Excuse me?”
“Drink.” He gestured at the bottle with his hand. “Do you want another? You’re out.”
My brows furrowed as I glanced down. Holy crap, I was. When in the world did that happen? “Sure,” I said. “Just one more.”
The words seemed to laugh at me, because when he showed up with the drink, he also placed a glass of water in front of me.
Wednesday night and I was at a bar. Alone. At least my tummy was warm.
I glanced down at my phone as I thumbed through my contacts. I stopped when I got to Tanner. Was he working?
I bit down on my lip. He’d told me to call him when I was ready to talk, but that was a big question. Was I ready? Because talking….
The sounds of the bar increased around me as I stared at his name. Talking went beyond him and me, didn’t it? Talking meant being honest about more than just us. I mean, after all, I was sitting—
“Hello.”
I jolted at the sound of a male voice and looked up. A guy around my age stood beside me. He was kind of cute, I thought as I stared up at him, and he’d been one of the guys over by the pool table. I glanced around. He was talking to me. “Hi.”
He leaned against the bar, grinning. “It’s been a while.”
Um.
Reaching out with one arm, he tapped mine. “I haven’t seen you around.”
Oh crap. Did I know this guy? I knew knew this guy, didn’t I?
He cocked his head to the side and then laughed under his breath. “You don’t remember me, do you?” He laughed again, and I felt my cheeks start to heat. “Man, wow.”