Since I was travelling as a prince, I was greeted at each city by the local dignitaries. Concerned as I was about my own fate, I was still able to take some pleasure in seeing new things. I was particularly pleased when Victor allowed me to visit Ilios, a modern city near the ruins of ancient Troy.
At Ilios I was taken round by the local bishop. At first my heart sank: a Galilean bishop was the last sort of person who would be interested in showing me the temples of the true gods. But to my surprise, Bishop Pegasius was an ardent Hellenist. In fact, he was the one who was surprised when I asked him if we might visit the temples of Hector and Achilles.
"But of course. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. But I am surprised that you are interested in old monuments."
"I am a child of Homer."
"So is every educated man. But we are also Christians. Your piety is well known to us even here." I could not be sure if he was being ironic or not. My friendship with Maximus was general knowledge and a good many Galileans were suspicious of me. On the other hand, my arrest in a monastery had given rise to a whole new legend: the priest-prince. In this role, I explained to the bishop that it was merely as a student of Homer that I wanted to see the famous temples our ancestors had built to those gods (false gods!) and heroes who had fought in this haunted place.
Pegasius took me first to the small temple which contains the famous bronze statue of Hector, said to be done from life. In the unroofed courtyard which surrounds the temple there also stands a colossal statue of Achilles, facing Hector in effigy as in life. To my astonishment, the altars in the courtyard were smouldering with sacrifice, while the statue of Hector shone from a recent anointing.
I turned to the Bishop. "What do these fires mean? Do the people still worship Hector?"
Pegasius was bland. "Of course they do. After all, it would be unnatural not to worship our brave men in the same way that we worship the martyrs who also lived here."
"I'm not sure it is the same thing," I said primly.
"Well, at least we have managed to preserve many beautiful works of art" Then Pegasius proceeded to show me the temples of Athena and Achilles, both in perfect repair. I noted too, that whenever he passed the image of an old god, he did not hiss and make the sign of the cross the way most Gallleans do, fearing contamination.
Pegasius proved to be a marvellous guide to Troy. I was particularly moved when he showed me the sarcophagus of Achilles.
"There he lies, the fierce Achilles." He tapped the ancient marble.
"A hero and a giant—actually, a giant. Some years ago we opened the tomb and found the bones of a man seven feet tall, and where his heel had been there was the head of an arrow."
It was awesome to be so close to the legendary past. Pegasius could see that I was impressed. Despite all efforts to the contrary, I am transparent as water. "Those were great days," he said softly.
"They will come again," I blurted out.
"I pray that you are right," said the bishop of Ilios. Today this same Pegasius is my high priest of Cappadocia. He was never a Galilean though he pretended to be one, thinking that by rising to a position of importance among that depraved sect he would be able to preserve the temples of our ancestors. Now he revels in his freedom.
Priscus: And now he revels in life at the Persian court, where, according to gossip, he is a convert to Persian sun worship. Julian took up with the oddest people.
Julian Augustus
At the beginning of February we arrived at Como, a town on a lake about thirty miles north of Milan. Here I remained a prisoner for six months. I was allowed to see no one except the servants who had come with me. Letters from Oribasius and Maximus were not delivered. I might as well have been dead. I consoled myself with reading the complete works of Pliny the Younger, who had lived at Como. I remember with what loathing I read his famous description of "darling Como". I hated the place, including the blue-green lake.
During this time I had no idea what was happening in the outside world, which was probably just as well for I was the subject of fierce debate in the Sacred Consistory. According to Eusebius:
"He is another Gallus. He must be put to death." A majority of the Consistory agreed with the Chamberlain. Surprisingly enough, the opposition was led by the Empress Eusebia. Though she was not a member of the Consistory, she was able to make her views known.
"Julian has committed no crime. His loyalty has never been seriously questioned. He is the last surviving male member of the imperial house. Until such time as we provide the Emperor with a son, Julian is heir to the principate. But should Julian be executed and should the Emperor then—heaven forbid -die without issue, the house of Constantine is at an end and there will be chaos in the empire." Eusebia finally prevailed. But it took her six months of argument, during which time Constantius said not a word. He merely listened and brooded and waited.
At the beginning of June a court chamberlain arrived at Como.
"The most noble Julian is to wait upon the divine Empress Eusebia." I was startled: the Empress, not the Emperor? I tried to question the chamberlain but he would say no more than that I was to be given a private audience; no, he could not tell me if the Emperor would receive me; no, he was not even certain that the Emperor was at Milan; he revelled in being uninformative. We entered Milan through a door in one of the watchtowers.
In complete secrecy, I was hurried through narrow back streets to a side entrance of the palace. Once inside the palace I was met by chamberlains who took me straight to the apartment of the Empress.
Eusebia was handsomer than her portraits. The eyes and mouth, which appeared so severe when rendered in marble, in life were not severe at all, merely sad. A flame-coloured robe set off her pale face and black hair. She was not much older than I.
"We are pleased to receive our cousin, the most noble Julian," she murmured formally. She motioned to one of her ladies-in-waiting, who came forward with a folding stool and placed it beside the Empress's silver chair.
"We hope our cousin enjoyed his stay at Lake Como."
"The lake is very beautiful, Augusta." At a gesture from her, I sat on the stool.
"Yes. The Emperor and I enjoy the lake."
For what seemed an eternity, we discussed that wretched lake. All the while she was studying me carefully. And I must say I was studying her. Eusebia was Constantius's second wife. His first wife had been Galla, the half-sister of Gallus. Galla had the same mother as Gallus, who had the same father as I, but I never knew her, and I don't think Gallus ever met his sister more than once or twice. When Galla died, Constantius promptly married Eusebia. It was said that he had always been in love with her. She came from an excellent consular family. She was a popular figure at court, and on more than one occasion she had saved innocent men from Constantius's eunuchs.
"We have been told that you are planning to become a priest."
"I was at a monastery, when I was… told to come to Milan."
I started to stammer as I often do when I am nervous. The letter "m" gives me particular trouble.
"But do you seriously want to be a priest?"
"I don't know. I prefer philosophy, I think. I would like to live at Athens."
"You have no interest in politics?" She smiled as she said this, knowing what my answer must necessarily be."No! None, Augusta."
"Yet you have certain responsibilities to the state. You are imperial."
"The Augustus needs no help from me."
"That is not quite true." She clapped her hands and the two ladies-in-waiting withdrew, closing cedar doors softly behind them.
"Nothing is secret in a palace," she said. "One is never alone."
"Aren't we alone now?"
Eusebia clapped her hands again. Two eunuchs appeared from behind pillars at the opposite end of the room. She waved them away.
"They can hear but they cannot speak. A precaution. But then there are others listening whom one knows nothing about."
"The secret agents?"
>
She nodded. "Everything we say to one another in this room they can hear."
"But where…?"
She smiled at my bewilderment. "Who knows where? But one knows they are always present."
"They even spy on you?"
"Especially on the Empress." She was serene. "It has always been like this in palaces. So remember to speak… carefully."
"Or not at all!"
She laughed. I found myself relaxing somewhat. I almost trusted her. She became serious. "The Emperor has given me permission to talk to you. He was reluctant. I don't need to tell you that since the Gallus affair he has felt himself entirely surrounded by traitors. He trusts no one."
"But I…"
"He trusts you least of all." This was blunt. But I was grateful for her candour. "Against his own good judgment, he raised your brother up. Within months, Gallus and Constantia were plotting to usurp the throne."
"Are you so certain?"
"We have proof."
"I am told that secret agents often invent 'proof'."
She shrugged. "In this case it was not necessary. Constantia was indiscreet. I never trusted her. But that is over with. You are now the potential threat."
"Easily solved," I said with more bitterness than I intended. "Execute me."
"There are those who advise this." She was as much to the point as I. "But I am not one. As you know, as the whole world knows, Constantius cannot have a child." Her face set bleakly. "I have been assured by my confessor that this is heaven's judgment upon my husband for having caused the deaths of so many members of his own family. Not that he wasn't justified," she added loyally. "But justified or not, there is a curse on those who kill their own kind, That curse is on Constantius. He has no heir and I am certain that he will never have one, if he puts you to death."
There it was at last. My sense of relief was enormous, and perfectly visible in my face.
"Yes. You are safe. For the time being. But there still remains the problem of what to do with you. We had hoped you would take holy orders."
"If it is required, I shall." Yes, I said that. I am giving as honest an account as I can of my life. At that moment, I would have worshipped the ears of a mule to save my life.
But Eusebia was not insistent. "Your love of learning also seems genuine." She smiled. "Oh, we know whom you see, what books you read. There is very little that has escaped the attention of the Chamberlain's office."
"Then they know that it is my wish to be a philosopher."
"Yes. And I believe that the Emperor will grant you your wish."
"I shall be eternally grateful, and loyal. He has nothing to fear from me, ever…" I babbled on enthusiastically.
Eusebia watched me, amused. Then vchen I ran out of breath, she said: "Gallus made him much the same speech."
On that dampening note she rose, ending the interview. "I shall try to arrange an interview for you with the Emperor. It won't be easy. He is shy." At the time I found this hard to believe, but of course Eusebia was right. Constantius feared all human encounters. One of the reasons he was so fond of eunuchs was that, by and large, they are not quite human.
Two days later, I was visited by the Grand Chamberlain himself. I found it hard to believe that this enchanting creature with his caressing voice and dimpled smile was daily advising the Consistory to execute me. He quite filled the small apartment where I had been confined.
"Oh, you have grown, most noble Julian! In every way." Delicately Eusebius touched my face. "And your beard is now most How Marcus Aurelius would have envied you!" For an instant one fat finger rested, light as a butterfly, on the tip of my beard. Then we stood face to face, beaming at one another; I with nerves, he with policy.
"I don't need to tell you how pleased I am to see you at court. We all are. This is where you belong, close to your own kind." My heart sank: was that to be my fate? a life at court where the eunuchs could keep an eye on me? A swift death was almost preferable. "Now I suggest that when you see the divine Augustus, you will beg him to allow you to stay always at his side. He needs you."
I seized on the one fact. "The Emperor will see me?"
Eusebius nodded delightedly, as though he had been entirely responsible for my amazing good fortune. "Of course. Didn't you know? He made the decision at this morning's Consistory. We were all so pleased. Because we want you here. I have always said that there should be a place for you at the side of the Augustus. A high place."
"You flatter me," I murmured.
"I say only the truth. You are, after all, an ornament to the house of Constantine, and what better place has such a pure jewel to shine than in the diadem of the court?"
I swallowed this gravely and replied with equal insincerity, "I shall never forget what you have done for me and for my brother."
Tears came to Eusebius's eyes. His voice trembled. "It is my wish to serve you. That is all I ask for." He leaned forward—with some effort—and kissed my hand. The rhetoric of hate is often most effective when couched in the idiom of love. On a note of mutual admiration, we parted.
I was next instructed by one of the eunuchs in the court's etiquette, which was nearly as complicated as what one goes through during the Mithraic mysteries. There are a dozen set responses to an emperor's set questions or commands. There are bows and genuflections; steps to left and steps to right; alternative gestures should I be asked to approach the throne or merely to remain where I was. The eunuch loved his work. "Our ceremonies are among this world's marvels! More inspiring, in some ways, than the mass." I agreed to that.
The eunuch spread a diagram for me on a table. "This is the great hall where you will be received." He pointed. "Here sits the divine Constantius. And here you will enter." Every move either of us was to make was planned in advance like a dance. When I had finally learned my lesson, the eunuch folded his map with an exalted expression on his face. "We have considerably improved and refined court ceremonial since the divine Diocletian. I am sure that he never dreamed his heirs would be capable of such exquisite style as well as such profound symbolism, for we are now able to beautifully reflect the nature of the universe in a single ceremony lasting scarcely three hours!"
The cutting down of court ceremonies and the removal of the eunuchs was one of the first acts of my reign. It was certainly the most satisfactory.
Shortly after sundown, the Master of the Offices and his many ushers escorted me to the throneroom. The Master of the Offices gave me last-minute instructions on how to behave in the sacred presence. But I did not listen. I was too busy preparing the speech I intended to make to Constantius. It was a masterpiece of eloquence. After all, I had been preparing it for ten years. Face to face, I intended to make Constantius my friend.
The Master of the Offices ushered me into a huge basilica which was once Diocletian's throneroom. The Corinthian columns which line it are twice the usual height and the floor is of porphyry and green marble. The effect is most splendid, especially by artificial light. In the apse at the far end of the basilica stands the throne of Diocletian, an elaborate chair of ivory decorated with gold plaques. Needless to say, I remember everything about that room in which my fate was decided. Torches flared between the columns while on either side of the throne bronze lamps illuminated its occupant. Not counting my childho.od encounter with Constantine, this was the first time I beheld an emperor in full state. I was not prepared for the theatricality of the scene.
Constantius sat very straight and still, his forearms resting on his knees in imitation of the Egyptian kings. He wore a heavy gold diadem set with huge square jewels. On one side of him stood Eusebius, on the other the praetorian prefect, while around the room the officials of the court were ranged.
I was officially presented to the Emperor. I paid him homage.
Only once did I falter in the course of the ritual; when I did, the Master of the Offices was quick to whisper the correct formula in my ear.
If Constantius was curious about me, he did not betray
it. His bronze face was empty of all expression as he spoke. "We receive our most noble cousin with pleasure." But there was no pleasure in that high-pitched voice. I felt myself suddenly blushing. "We give him leave to go to Ather[s to continue his studies." I glanced at Eusebius. Though his own grim advice had not prevailed, he gave me a small delighted nod as if to say, "We've won!"
"Also…" But then Constantius stopped talking. There is no other way to describe what happened. He simply stopped. There were no more words for me. I stared at him, wondering if I had gone mad. Even the Master of the Offices was taken aback. Everyone had expected a full speech from Constantius as well as a response from me. But the audience was over. Constantius put out his hand for me to kiss. I did so. Then with the aid of the Master of the Offices, I walked backward to the entrance, bowing at regular intervals. Just as I was about to leave the presence, two squeaking bats swooped suddenly out of the shadowy ceiling, and darted straight towards Constantius. He did not move, even though one almost touched his face. As always, his self-control was marvellous. I have never known a man quite so deep or so cold.
I returned to my apartment to find a message from the Grand Chamberlain's office. I was to proceed at once to the port of Aquileia. My belongings had already been packed. My servants were ready. A military escort was standing by.
Within the hour, I was outside the walls of Milan. As I rode through the warm night, I prayed to Helios that I never see court or Emperor again.
VII
I arrived at Piraeus, the port of Athens, shortly after sunrise 5 August 355. I remember every one of the forty-seven days I spent in Athens. They were the happiest of my life, so far.
It was a windy dawn. In the east, light tore at the dark. Stars faded. The sea was rough. It was like the morning of the world. The ship creaked and shuddered as it struck against the pilings of the quay. I had half expected to see a detachment of troops waiting on the shore, ready to arrest me on some new charge. But there were no troops in sight, only foreign merchant ships and the usual bustle of a busy port. Slaves unloaded cargoes. Officials of the port moved solemnly from ship to ship. Men with carts and donkeys shouted to those just arrived, promising to get them to Athens faster than that youth who ran from Marathon to the city in four hours (and fell dead, one would like to retort, but irony is lost on drivers, even Greek drivers who know their Homer).