Next thing I know, I’m doing push-ups. I can barely bang out twenty when he yells at me to go faster. He makes me sprint back and forth between the rooms, throw a mix of punches, and do more push-ups. I was sore before, but now I know I’ll be an invalid.
Two hours later, I’ve had enough. I’m throwing up in the bathroom when he says, “That’s enough for today. You’re tough. I’ll give you that. I’m willing to bet you’ll have this down in no time.”
“Thanks,” I mumble before I heave again. My freaking stomach.
I can almost hear the smile in his voice. “Don’t be ashamed. Believe me, at some point we’ve all had our heads in the toilet bowl. Although, I prefer to puke in a trash can myself. There was this one time the water splashed back in my face. And that’s probably one of the nastiest things that’s ever happened to me.” Then he takes up his post outside our rooms in the hallway.
I stumble to Cole’s bed and lie down. Every muscle, including the tiniest ones I didn’t know existed, hurt. Should I keep this from Cole? The answer is I can’t.
I’ve never been a liar, but I’ve had plenty of experience around them. My stepfather was the prime example. He lied all the time. He lied to all of us when he married my mother and we moved to High Society. At first, it was all rose-colored glass and then he smashed it. He showered my mom with flowers and cards. He bought us ice cream and took us to school. But he did it all just to win her heart, and when he did, everything changed. He began feeding her pills to the point she was barely coherent half of the day, and when she was, she was angry… angry at me. His hypocritical behavior, and my mother’s inability to distinguish the truth, drove my brother away. I resigned myself to never, ever be a liar.
The thoughts make me antsy, but when I try to get up, every muscle screams. I sit in a huff, knowing walking off my anxiety won’t work right now.
At last, Zeus bounds into the room, making his entrance with lots of wet kisses. Cole speaks in whispers to Bruno in the hallway for a minute before he comes in.
“Hey, babe. Heard you had an interesting day.” He smirks at me.
Did he just call me babe? “Uh, yeah. I figured it wouldn’t hurt if Bruno taught me some basic self-defense. I hope you’re not angry with me.”
He pauses in the doorway, thinking. “I guess I don’t have a choice, do I? I’m betting if I said no, you’d do it anyway. And knowing Bruno, he’d teach you.”
That’s it? That was easy. “So you’re okay with it?” I want to jump up and down, but my body won’t allow me to move.
He can’t hide his surprise. “You’re that excited about learning self-defense? Just don’t use any of it on me, because you wouldn’t win and I don’t want to be the one responsible for putting your ass back on bed rest,” he says. He laughs, takes my chin in his hand, and tilts up my head. “Please be careful. Just because you know a few things doesn’t make you invincible. Plus, I’ll still do everything in my power to protect you,” he says. “Which reminds me, we still need to talk,” he says. I raise my face to his. “Now don’t freak out. I’m going to ask you some basic questions about your past, and if you’re uncomfortable, we’ll stop.”
My entire past makes me uncomfortable. “What do you want to know?” I ask, already moving away from him toward the chair.
“What did your father do for a living?”
I cock my head to the left. That’s not the question I expected. “My father, well, he was a humanitarian. An extremely wealthy one, but you’d never know it. He cared deeply about people, including the sinners. He thought the system was unjust and was fairly vocal about it. While he had some wonderful supporters, he also had a boatload of enemies. He never discussed his actual line of work with me, and I was too young and naive to think much about it,” I say. “Why do you care about my father?”
“I’m trying to put all the pieces together,” he says. He shrugs as he pulls off his shirt and throws on a black T-shirt. He begins making something for dinner, and the smells are intoxicating. My stomach rumbles.
“Are you hungry?” he asks as he puts something on the plates.
“Yes, actually I’m starved.” That’s something I haven’t said in a while.
He sets the table and motions for me to sit down. He sits, bows his head, and says grace. It puzzles me.
“Where’d you learn that?”
“My mother taught me when I was young. I always give thanks for what I have because the next minute it can be gone.”
“Makes sense. She must’ve been a good mom.” I pause while chewing and look at him.
“She was.” His eyes never leave his plate.
“Do you have any siblings?”
“No, but didn’t you say you had a brother?” he asks, changing the subject.
The steak and potatoes with cheese rock my world. “Is this a special occasion or something because I haven’t eaten like this in ages…?”
He shrugs and raises his eyebrows while shoveling in another bite.
I take my sweet time answering his question because I’m too busy stuffing my face. Zeus props his head on my shoulder, so I cut off a piece of steak and sneak it to him when Cole looks down at his food.
“Your brother?”
“Oh, Keegan. He left shortly after my mother remarried. As kids, we were extremely close, but one day, he was gone. I haven’t heard from him since.”
Evening brings darkness so Cole flicks on the light. He leans back with his arms behind his head, fully relaxed. It’s wild to have a normal conversation. We should’ve started this way, getting to know each other, but instead, we do everything backward.
“Your face is beautiful—”
“What?”
“Has healed beautifully. Geez, I can’t even finish a sentence.” He slides a sideways grin at me, his eyes sparkling in mischief.
I’m not sure if he’s teasing me or not, but his comment makes me blush, and I refuse to look up from my plate.
“Well, that’s good to know. I haven’t checked, too afraid to see my reflection,” I mumble, placing the last bite into my mouth. It’s so uncomfortable to eat while he stares. “This definitely hit the spot. Thank you.”
I put my fork on my plate and sit back for a minute, soaking in his face. He’s not smiling anymore like I thought he would be. Instead, he looks pained. His eyes are distant, his lips pursed, as if seeing a mirage in the desert.
“Something wrong?” A familiar feeling grips me. It’s fear. It consumes me at times, creeps up my throat, and constricts my airway. “Cole…”
He snaps to attention. “I have to tell you something.” He looks everywhere but at me, avoiding my stare.
The walls start collapsing. I have to remind myself to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. “What? Tell me.”
“I got orders yesterday. I leave tomorrow.” My stomach drops. I’m about to interrupt when he lifts his hand to stop me. “Don’t worry. Bruno will be with you while I’m gone. The important part’s coming.” He pulls a crinkled piece of paper out of his pocket. Despite the folds, I see a stamp embedded into it and a photograph. He slides it across the table.
I crinkle my forehead, confused. On the paper is a written order to hunt down Keegan Hamilton—my brother. The photograph is black and white, but it’s definitely him. He looks older, more mature, and filled out.
“What are you telling me?”
“He’s gotten into some trouble with the commander. I don’t know exactly what he did, but it’s bad. Real bad. Do you know anything about this?” Cole leans forward, pulling the order back.
I’m shocked. “No, no. I know nothing. I haven’t seen him since he left us. Please don’t bring him here. Cole, you can’t bring him to this terrible place.”
Cole drops the hand with the orders in it and looks me in the eyes. “Lexi, he’s already here.” I can hear the conflict in his voice, like he didn’t want to break this news to me.
“How can he possibly be here?” I start to panic. Keegan’s been here all along? The
weight of the situation dawns on me like an anvil attached to my beating heart. “I don’t care what’s he’s done. He’s still my brother! Where is he? I have to see him.” I’m shaking with anger and disbelief. “Does he know I’m here? Why didn’t he come see me?” I stand up, nearly pushing the table over. A million thoughts trample through my brain.
He shrugs his shoulders. “I have no idea if he’s aware you’re here.” He stands and takes a step toward me. “I don’t know what to do.”
“What are you saying?”
Cole’s calm voice can’t conceal the panic within his eyes. “We’ve been ordered to take him to the commander.”
I step back. Searing emotional pain darts from my throat to my chest and into my soul. Everything blurs. I put my hand against the wall to hold myself up.
“Don’t you dare, I’ll hate you—I’ll never forgive you if you hurt him.” My insides scream as his eyes plead with me to give him a solution.
“Then please tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do because I don’t know. I have orders that I have to follow. If I follow them, I’ll lose you. If I don’t, I’ll be executed and then you’ll lose me. Either way, I’m screwed and so are you. Damn it, you’ve complicated everything.” His voice is anguished.
“How can you say that?”
He collapses into the chair. “I never planned on falling for you. You were just an assignment. But it just sort of happened and now look where I am. Stuck between two walls that won’t budge either way. I’m trapped by you and my obligations as a guard.”
“Wait a minute. When you say you’ve fallen for me, do you mean—”
“You’re all I think about. My mind is constantly consumed by you and it scares the crap out of me.”
“No! No, you can’t! It’s forbidden. They’ll kill you!”
“Don’t you think I know that? I didn’t choose this. I didn’t mean for this to happen—it just did.” He blows out a hard breath and seems to steady himself before continuing. “Everything about you sucks me in. No matter how hard I try to hate you or be disgusted, the opposite happens. You’re like my magnet. You pull me in, but when I get too close, it takes everything I have to remain at a safe distance.”
“You can’t. It doesn’t matter how we feel about each other. Nothing can happen. Ever!”
He rises from his seat, his eyes boring into mine. A softness overtakes his face. “So you feel something for me?” He pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
“Of course I do. But it doesn’t matter. None of this matters. Nothing can ever happen.”
“They won’t know. If we keep it between these four walls, how would they ever figure it out?”
“By the way we look at each other, our body language. There are so many signals we could give away, and that’s it. That’s all it takes, one little mistake and then we’re—”
“I need you,” he says.
“You don’t need me.” I breathe him in and my heart starts to flutter. “There’s nothing I can do to change who I am, what I’ve been labeled.”
“You’re amazing just the way you are. There’s not a single thing I would change about you. When you smile my entire world stops. All I see is you. I need you.”
My head shakes back and forth, willing his words away. If he keeps this up, I don’t know if my promise to Sutton will stick. “No, you don’t. You have to stop.”
“I wish I knew how.” His arms break away from me, and he steps back. “You’re the last person I ever wanted to fall for.”
His words ignite a switch I never knew existed. The words sting. A minute before, he said he needed me. Now, he tells me how I was the last person he would ever choose for himself. He’s ashamed of his feelings for me. Before I can stop myself, my emotions take control.
“Well, why don’t you say how you really feel? Huh? That being assigned to me was the worst thing that ever happened to you. I’ve ruined your life. But you know what? It’s not my fault. You can’t blame me because you can’t be like all the other mindless guards who have no attachments beyond themselves.” I spit in anger. “Why can’t you be numb?” My mind wanders back to the thought of Cole hunting my brother and it’s too much for me to bear. I fall to my knees, banging my fists on the floor, my breath coming in rasps as the pain crushes my chest.
“Stop it. Please stop.” He pleads as he kneels down to put his arm around me.
Sutton’s words come back to haunt me, and now I know exactly what he meant. Difficult decision—choosing sides, now I understand. It’s as if he knew this was coming.
“Why would you do this? I can’t believe you’d make me dinner and then spring this on me. How’d you think I’d react?” I stand back, pushing his arms off me, and face him with my arms folded across my chest. Zeus comes to my side, sensing the tension.
“I was scared to tell you. It’s been tearing me up inside, believe me.” He steps toward me, but I move back and Zeus growls. Cole raises his hands in innocence. “Look, you need to trust me.”
“Trust you? Seriously? After what just happened you want me to trust you?”
“Then we can’t be together. Without trust it would never work.”
“It’s never going to work. It can’t!” I throw my hands in the air. “And you’re going after my brother!”
“Come on, now you’re being unfair. Please tell me that you know me better than that. I mean, you get upset with me for being, what, honest? Yet you can’t be honest with me. I would never judge what happened to you. All I ever wanted was to help you heal. I’m here to hold you if you have to break down, be vulnerable, and I’m here to help build you back up. But trust goes two ways. If there’s no trust, there’s no us. I can’t do this without you.”
Us. His words freeze me in place. He steps away and starts shoving his clothes into his duffel bag. I watch in silence while Zeus whines. “I don’t understand what you’re saying…”
“I care about you, and I know you feel something for me. Damn it, I risk my life every day for you and I never once second-guessed it. But I need you to open up to me or I can’t keep doing this. With everything we’ve been through, you should at least trust me enough to let me in. Trust is the basis for a relationship, you know.” He’s finished.
“What on Earth are you talking about? We’re not allowed to be together even if we both want it.” Tears leak from my eyes with a fury as I stand and watch him pack his things. Did he say he wanted to be together? Did he say relationship? Does he think I’m his girlfriend? I can’t.
Everyone’s keeping secrets from me, breaking me into pieces.
He doesn’t even bother folding his stuff, just throws it in. When he finishes, he drags my old mattress into the other room and stays there.
I want to climb into his arms and plead with him to lie next to me. But I can’t. I won’t let him die because of my own selfish desires. Then my thoughts wander back to Keegan and I cringe.
Zeus puts his paw on the bed and I allow him to be my comfort for now. I lie on Cole’s bed, my face buried in the pillow, as he jumps up beside me. I rub his ears and cry. Nightmares easily overtake me.
Wilson and my stepfather, wearing twin, sadistic expressions, stand on the podium in front of the hospital.
“Come on up. We won’t hurt you. We swear.”
Like a lamb to the slaughter, my legs lead me up the rough, wooden stairs onto the stage. The whole world watches, and a spotlight rests upon my face, burning my eyes with its excruciating white light.
Cole stands with his hands tied behind him, and on the other side stands Keegan, also bound. Except Keegan looks like the boy I knew as a child. He’s ten again, with wavy brown hair and a knack for getting into trouble.
“Choose,” Wilson says, shoving me forward.
I fall onto my knees, prostrate before them. “I can’t. I don’t understand…”
A hand smashes across my face, sprawling me out and sending pain throughout my body. My vision blurs and I see double of my stepf
ather standing over me.
A chilling smile precedes his words. “Choose who dies. Or we kill them both.”
My eyes wander to Cole, standing with bound hands and pleading eyes. And then they hold the image of ten-year-old Keegan close. The past or the future… What to do when I love both?
Wilson moves toward Keegan and whips back his head, forcing a scream from his throat.
“You always were a weakling.” My stepfather nods at Wilson, who promptly slices Keegan’s neck. His head falls forward in an awkward motion as the scarlet blood soaks through his dirty blue T-shirt.
I scream.
The siren mixes with my silent scream as I wake in a sweaty panic. My shirt and pants stick to my body as I gasp for air. The dream was so real.
Checking my old room, I see Cole’s asleep. I very slowly grab a pen and a piece of paper. Then I sit at the table and write. When I’m finished, I fold the paper in half and tuck it down into his bag. I climb back into bed quietly just as the sun starts to rise.
He walks down the hallway between our rooms and gets ready to leave. I peek between my eyelids and see him in his dress uniform looking handsome and crisp. His face tells another story though. He looks pained, his eyes anguished with the decision he has to make. The next moment, he kisses my forehead, pulling wisps of hair away from my face, and he’s gone.
CHAPTER 12
The world seems black and food tastes like cardboard. It should make me feel better that he was honest, but instead, it confuses me more. He really doesn’t want me hurt. Well, this hurt. It hurts like hell, and I can’t smother the fire. He was trying to do the right thing, right? Then why am I more depressed than I’ve ever been in my eighteen years? I need Cole. I miss him. I miss Zeus. I miss us.
Bruno shows up to do some more training before work, and I go through with it, but I’m lifeless and possess no fire.
“I think it’s time we call it quits,” he says while unwrapping his hands. “Are you okay?”
I don’t feel like answering. I pick myself off the floor and grumble while heading to the bathroom to shower. I barely have the strength to stand there and let the water wash over me. Nothing brings me joy, pleasure, or even a hint of reprieve. All I can think about is our argument and his words—his words that stung like flaming darts aimed directly at my heart. I can only imagine what he’ll think when he reads my letter, if he reads it at all.