‘Thus there was in Cinais a black-beetle preaching that Saint Anthony caused inflammation of the legs, that Saint Eutropius sent hydropsy; Saint Gilden, madness; Saint Genou, the gout: but I punished him so exemplarily – even though he did call me a heretic – that from that time to this no black-beetle has ever since dared enter my domains. And I am amazed that your king should allow them to preach within his kingdom such causes of stumbling, for they are more to be punished than those who spread the plague by magic or some other device: the plague kills but the body: such devilish preaching infects the souls of the poor and the simple.’35
As he was uttering those words in came the Monk with a decided air. He asked,
‘Where have you shabby lot come from?’
‘From Saint-Genou,’ they said.
‘And how is the Abbé Tranchelion, that good tippler, getting on? And the monks: are they enjoying good cheer? God’s Body, while you go traipsing about on pilgrimages, they’re prodding your wives.’
‘Hee, hee!’ said Weary-legs: ‘I’m not worried about mine. Nobody who saw her by day would break his neck to visit her by night.’
‘You’ve played the wrong suit there,’ said the Monk. ‘She may be as ugly as Proserpine, but, by God, she’ll enjoy a jiggedy-jog if there are monks about, for a sound workman makes use of any bit of stuff, indifferently. May I catch the pox if you don’t find them all big-bellied when you get home, for the mere shadow of the bell-tower of an abbey is fecund.’
‘If you trust Strabo,’ said Gargantua, ‘it’s like the waters of the Nile in Egypt, which, according to Pliny, Book 7, Chapter 3, are good for cereals, textiles and bodies.’
Then Grandgousier said:
‘Off you go, you poor wretches, in the name of God the Creator: may He ever be your guide. From now on do not be so open to such otiose and useless journeys. Look after your families, work each man in his vocation, school your children, and live as you are taught to do by that good Apostle Saint Paul. Do that and you will have with you the protection of God, the angels and the saints, and there is no plague nor illness that will harm you.’
Gargantua then took them to the hall for something to eat but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, saying to Gargantua,
‘O! blessed is the land which has such a man as its lord: we have been more edified and instructed by those words he has addressed to us than by all the sermons ever preached to us in our town.’
‘It is,’ said Gargantua, ‘as Plato says in Book 5 of The Republic: all states would be blessed if kings were to philosophize and philosophers to reign.’
He then had their shoulder-wallets filled with victuals and their bottles with wine. To each man he gave a horse to ease the rest of his journey together with a few carolus-crowns to live on.
How Grandgousier humanely treated Braggart, his prisoner
CHAPTER 44
[Becomes Chapter 46.
Real chivalry is contrasted by implication with the conquests and wars of the Emperor Charles V. In the City of God, 4, 4, 5, Augustine calls imperial conquests sheer brigandage (latrocinium). Christian princes should heed that judgement.
‘Infinite riches are the sinews of war,’ according to Cicero (Philippics 5, 12, 32).]
Braggart was brought before Grandgousier and questioned about Picrochole’s enterprise and designs and the alleged purpose of this tumultuous and ruthless incursion. To which Braggart replied that Picrochole’s purpose and destiny were to conquer the whole land if he could, on account of the injustice done to his fouace-bakers.
‘That,’ said Grandgousier, ‘is to take on much too much: Too much embrace: little retain. The time has passed for such conquering of kingdoms to the harm of our Christian brothers and neighbours. Such imitations of the ancient heroes – Hercules, Alexander, Hannibal, Scipio, Caesar and so on – is contrary to the teachings of our Gospel, by which we are each commanded to guard, save, rule and manage his own realms and lands, and never aggressively to invade those of others. And what the Saracens and Barbarians once dubbed prowess we now call brigandage and evil-doing. He would have done better to confine himself to his own domains and to govern them royally than to come bounding hostilely into mine in order to pillage them, for by ruling his realm well he would have enriched it: by pillaging mine he will destroy it.
‘In the name of God go on your way, and pursue enterprises which are good.
‘Reveal to your king such of his errors as you shall recognize, and never give counsel out of regard for your own private interests, for when the common weal looses, the private weal does too.
‘As for your ransom, I shall entirely forgo it; and my will is that your armour and your horse be returned to you.
‘Thus should things be done amongst neighbours and old friends; this our difference is not properly speaking a war, just as Plato would not call it war but sedition when Greek took up arms against Greek. Whenever that does unfortunately happen, he commands total moderation. If war you call it, it is but a superficial one: it does not enter into the innermost chambers of our hearts, for not one of us has been outraged in his honour; it all amounts to redressing a wrong committed by our people, I mean yours and ours.
‘And even if you had known of it, you should have let it flow by, for those quarrelling folk were more to be ridiculed than resented, not least when their grievances were being satisfied, as I myself offered to do. God will be the just appraiser of our controversy. Him I beg to take this life from me in death and to destroy my goods before my eyes rather than be offended by me or mine in anything whatsoever.’
Having uttered those words, he called for the Monk and asked him in front of them all:
‘Frère Jean, my good friend. Did you take prisoner Captain Braggart here present?’
‘Cyre,’ said the Monk, ‘indeed he’s here present. He has reached the age of discretion. I’d rather you heard it from his own admission than from any word of mine.’
Whereupon Braggart said:
‘My Lord: he did indeed take me prisoner and I frankly surrender myself to him.’
Grandgousier said to the Monk:
‘Did you put him to ransom?’
‘No,’ said the Monk, ‘I’m not interested in that.’
‘How much do you want for capturing him?’ asked Grandgousier.
‘Nothing at all,’ said the Monk. ‘I don’t bother about it.’
At which Grandgousier, in the presence of Braggart, commanded that sixty-two thousand angel-crowns be disbursed to the Monk for his capture; it was done while they were preparing a collation for Braggart, who was asked by Grandgousier whether he would rather remain with him or go back to his king.
Braggart said he would do whichever he advised.
‘In that case,’ said Grandgousier, ‘go back to your king. And God be with you.’
He then bestowed on him a fine steel sword from Vienne together with its scabbard of gold, decorated with handsome gilt vine-leaves; a golden chain to wear around his neck – it weighed seven [hundred and two thousand] marks and was garnished with precious stones valued at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats – and ten thousand crowns as a token of esteem.
That said, Braggart mounted his horse. Gargantua assigned to him thirty men-at-arms and six-score archers under the command of Gymnaste, who, to ensure his safety, were to accompany him as far as the gates of La Roche-Clermault if needs be.
Once he had gone, the Monk handed back to Grandgousier the sixty-two thousand angel-crowns which he had received, saying, ‘Cyre: this is no time for making such gifts. Wait till this war is over, for you can never tell what problems may turn up, and war waged without a good supply of money has but one puff of vigour. Riches are the sinews of battles.’
‘Right then,’ said Grandgousier. ‘Once it is all over I shall satisfy you with some honourable reward. So too everyone who shall have served me well.’
How Grandgousier summoned his legions; and how Braggart killed Hastyveal and was himself killed by order of Picrocho
le
CHAPTER 45
[Becomes Chapter 47.
The battle returns with a vengeance to Rabelais’ pays, and Picrochole’s choleric madness leads him still closer to disaster.]
Now in those same days the people of Bessé, Marché-Vieux, Bourg-Saint-Jacques, Le Traîneau, Parilly, Rivière, Les Roches-Saint-Paul, Le Vau-Breton, Pontille, Bréhémont, Le Pont du Clam, Cravant, Grandmont, Bourdes, Lavillaumer, [Huismes,] Segré, Ussé, Saint-Louand, Chouzé, Panzoust, Couldreau, Verron, Coulaines, Varennes, Bourgueil, L’Isle-Bouchard, Croulay, Narsay, Candes-Monsoreau and other neighbouring lands, sent embassies to Grandgousier to tell him that they were informed of the wrongs being done to him by Picrochole and to offer him, for the sake of their ancient alliance, everything in their power: men, money and munitions too.
The tribute offered him by all their contributions amounted to six score and fourteen millions in gold [plus two and a half]; the forces, to fifteen thousand men-at-arms, thirty-two thousand light horsemen, eighty-nine thousand harquebusiers, a hundred and forty thousand soldiers of fortune, gunners with eleven thousand two hundred cannons, double-cannons, basilisks and spiroles, and forty-seven thousand pioneers. All to be paid and victualled for six months [and four days] ahead.
Gargantua neither entirely refused nor entirely accepted the offer but, warmly thanking the envoys, said that he would settle this war by such a stratagem that it would not be necessary to bother so many good men. He merely sent to tell his legions (regularly maintained in his forts at La Deviniere, Chavigny, Gravot and Quinquenays) to come in good order. They amounted in all to twelve hundred men-of-arms, thirty-six thousand foot, thirteen thousand harquebusiers, the crews of four hundred great artillery-pieces, and twenty-two thousand pioneers.36 They were divided up into troops so well provided with paymasters, quartermasters, horse-smiths, armourers and other men needed for the battle-train, so well drilled in the art of war, so well armed, so sure of recognizing and following their ensigns, so prompt at hearing and obeying their captains, so swift at running, so strong in engaging the enemy, so wise in their daring, that they were more like clock-work or an harmonious organ than troops of soldiers or an army.
As soon as Braggart returned, he presented himself before Picrochole and recounted at length what he had seen and done. He ended by using powerful words to advise that a settlement be reached with Grandgousier, whom he had proved to be the most honourable man in the world, adding that it was neither profitable nor reasonable thus to molest neighbours from whom one had experienced nothing but good, and above all that they would never extricate themselves from their enterprise except at great cost and much misery to themselves, for the forces of Picrochole were not such that Grandgousier could not easily crush them.
No sooner were those words uttered than Hasty veal loudly yelled: ‘Wretched indeed is the prince who is served by men such as that, men easily corrupted, as I know Braggart to be! His mind, I see, has so changed that, if only they had kept him as a retainer, he would willingly have joined our enemies, fought against us and betrayed us. But just as valour is praised and esteemed by all, friend and foe alike, so too perfidy is soon recognized and distrusted: and even supposing that enemies make use of it to their advantage, they ever hold perfidious traitors in abomination.’
On hearing those words Braggart, unable to bear it, drew his sword and ran Hastyveal through just above his left breast, and he died at once. Then, drawing his sword from the body, he frankly exclaimed, ‘Thus perish all who loyal vassals blame!’
Picrochole suddenly went mad and, on seeing the bespattered sword and scabbard, said, ‘You, there! Were you given that blade so that you might maliciously slay my good friend Hastyveal in my very presence?’
He ordered his archers to hack him to pieces forthwith, which they did at once, so viciously that the hall was paved with blood. He then had Hastyveal’s corpse buried with honour and Braggart’s flung over the wall into the ditch.
News of these outrages became known to the entire army, so that many began to murmur against Picrochole – so much so that Grippeminaud said to him:
‘My Lord, I cannot see what the outcome of this enterprise will be. I note that your men are unsteady. They judge that we are short of supplies and already much reduced in number by two or three sorties. In addition, great reinforcements are on their way to your enemy. If once we are besieged, I can see absolutely no outcome other than our total overthrow.’
‘Crap!’ said Picrochole, ‘Crap! You’re like eels of Melun: you squeal before you’re skinned!37 Just let ‘em all come!’
How Gargantua assailed Picrochole within La Roche-Clermault and defeated his army
CHAPTER 46
[Becomes Chapter 48.
Julius Caesar’s verdict that the Gauls are valiant in the first assault and ‘worse than women’ afterwards is known from Livy, who is cited by Erasmus (‘Apophthegms, 6, Varia mixta, 100).
The name Sébaste means ‘venerable’ in Greek.
Le Duc Phrontistes appears only in this passage: his Greek name shows him to be a man of considered judgement.
The account of the fighting is quite realistic, moving away from pure fantasy into the kind of battle experienced by many contemporary readers. Rabelais edited and published (in 1539?) a book, now lost, with the title of Strategemata, written in honour of his patron Guillaume Du Bellay, the Seigneur de Langey.]
Gargantua took supreme command of the army. His father remained in his fortress, putting heart into them with good counsel and promising great bounties to any man who performed deeds of valour. They then reached the ford at Vède, which they crossed at one go in boats and over lightly constructed bridges. Then, taking into account the site of the town (which was set on high ground giving it the advantage) he spent the night deliberating on what should be done.
But Gymnaste said to him, ‘Such is the nature and temperament of the French that their value lies in the first assault. They are worse than devils then. If they delay, they are worse than women. My advice is that you should suddenly begin the assault as soon as the men have got their breath back and had something to eat.’
The advice was judged to be good.
Gargantua then deployed his entire army in the plain, positioning the support-troops to his flanks on the upward slope. The Monk took six ensigns of foot-soldiers with him and two hundred men-at-arms, struggled carefully across the marshes and reached a spot above Le Puy as far as the highway to Loudon.
Meanwhile, the assault went on.
Picrochole’s men could not decide whether it was better to come out and confront them or to stay put and defend the town. He himself, however, dashed out like a madman with some small band of household troops, where he was welcomed by a great hail of cannon-balls from towards the hills, whereupon the Gargantuists withdrew to the valley so as to allow greater scope to their ordnance.
The men in the town put up the best defence they could, but their projectiles overshot the mark and hit nobody. A few men from their band who had escaped the artillery-fire made a fierce attack against our men, but to no avail for, caught between our ranks, they were being battered to the ground. On seeing which, they sought to withdraw, but the Monk had blocked their passage. They therefore fled without order or restraint. There were those who wanted to chase after them, but the Monk held them back, fearing that they might break ranks while pursuing those fugitives, and then the defenders of the town could swoop down upon them.
He waited a while, but no one came out to confront them, so he despatched le Duc Phrontistes to advise Gargantua to advance and take the hill on the left in order to cut off Picrochole’s escape through that gate. Gargantua did so with due speed and despatched four legions from the company of Sébaste, yet they could not reach the summit before encountering Picrochole and a scattering of his men beard-to-beard. They attacked them, but were themselves greatly troubled by volleys of arrows and cannon-shot from the men on the walls.
Seeing which, Gargantua went to their
aid with a considerable force; his artillery began to pound that section of the walls, so much so that all the forces in the town were summoned to it. When the Monk saw that his side of the town which he was investing was deserted by its soldiers and the guardians of the gate, he bravely made for the fort and succeeded in scaling it with some of his men. He believed that troops who suddenly appear inspire more fear and terror than those who are heavily engaged in the fighting. However, he made no noise until all his men (except for the two hundred soldiers he had left outside for any emergency) had taken the wall. Then he gave a horrifying yell and so did his men, slaughtering without resistance the guardians of the gate, which he opened to his own men-at-arms. Then they all ran most fearsomely together towards the East-gate, where all was in disarray; there, from the rear, they smashed all the enemy soldiers who, aware that they were hard pressed on every side and that the Gargantuists had taken the town, threw themselves on the mercy of the Monk. He made them hand over their swords and weapons, withdraw into the churches and sit tight while he seized all the shafts of the crosses and posted men at the church-doors to prevent anyone from escaping.
Then he opened that East-gate and sallied forth to assist Gargantua.
But Picrochole believed that help was coming for him from the town, and arrogantly took even greater risks than before, until Gargantua called out, ‘Frère Jean, my friend! Frère Jean, you arrive in good time!’ Only then did Picrochole and his men, realizing that all was hopeless, begin to run away in every direction. Gargantua pursued them as far as Vaugaudry, killing and slaughtering. Then he sounded the retreat.
How Picrochole was surprised by ill luck as he fled, and what Gargantua did after the battle
CHAPTER 47
[Becomes Chapter 49.
Captain Tolmère’s name shows he was bold (tolmeros).
Picrochole lives on in mad disgrace, hoping to return to his throne.]