Across the table, Daniel took a deep breath. I wasn’t fooling him. He clearly knew something had happened between me and Abby. “Okay,” he said, accepting that whatever it was wasn’t up for discussion. “I know you’ve talked to Luke DeVaan about building a club for the Partners in Play group. What do you think about incorporating the bulk of these changes when that opens?”
My mind had been on nothing but Abby for the last twelve or so hours. Now, forced to think about something else, I felt relieved, but also just a bit guilty. Guilty, because how could I focus on anything with things as they were between me and Abby?
“I think that will be fine.” I forced the situation with Abby out of my head for the moment. “As long as we don’t allow anyone new until then.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking and why I suggested we wait. I think it’d be good for the current members to grow more connected, stronger as a group. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but I think with a stronger group dynamic, everything about the group strengthens.” He shrugged. “I think that’s worth taking a break from adding new members for.”
“In that case, a lot of the other things we came up with will be taken care of by the new building. We’ll have video cameras installed. Someone dedicated to front desk duty. There will actually be a front desk. All doors will have built-in windows so rooms can be checked at any time. And there’ll be a separate aftercare area.”
“I really like the things you’re adding to the new building. This is exciting.”
“And, like Abby pointed out to me, it’s important that you and Julie won’t be burdened with the responsibility of hosting the group so often.”
“We didn’t mind.”
“I know, but it’s still a lot for one couple.”
He didn’t argue with that. “What are some other ideas you had?”
“We propose anyone wanting to join has to be recommended by a group member. Then once someone is applying, he has to meet with a senior member. And the new member has to be observed in play by a senior member. Even then, once admitted, he or she is a probationary member for a year.”
“This sounds really good.”
“Thank you. We also thought about having an electronic database of member information and checklists. It would be handy to have that information readily available and it would give us the ability to match people up. The downside is having all that information in an electronic database might make some people uncomfortable. We need to come up with a way to code everything to guarantee anonymity.”
“I knew you were the right man for this. I believe all these things will go a long way to ensure that everyone is safe.”
His words punched me in the gut. I wasn’t the right man for the job, and I certainly hadn’t kept Abby safe.
“Nathaniel?” he asked. “Are you okay? Did I say something?”
“I fucked up.”
“Oh?”
“With Abby. Last night.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how to fix it and she’s not talking to me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was so bad. We caused a scene and everything. The Dungeon Monitor came by to check on us because we were creating such a disturbance.”
He gave a low whistle.
“Yeah,” I said softly. “After that, we went back to the room and she told me off again and went to bed.”
“From the way you look, you didn’t sleep at all.”
“I used to do it all the time.”
“You were probably ten years younger.”
“True, I don’t remember it feeling this way.”
He chuckled. “Hell, if I tried to do the things I did ten years ago, I’d be in a serious mess.”
I tried to smile, but it hurt too much.
“I can’t say I’m the expert when it comes to relationships. I’ve never been married and I’ve never been with anyone for as long as you’ve been with Abby. But I do know this: she loves you madly and deeply and I can’t imagine anything you’ve done will cause her not to anymore.”
I wasn’t sure he was right about that. He didn’t know what I’d done and I didn’t feel like telling him. Not because I was afraid of how he would see me; I couldn’t imagine him thinking less of me than I thought of myself. I just couldn’t stand to say the words. If I did, I’d relive every torturous second.
“Thanks,” I said. “We’ll see if she talks to me when I go back to the room.”
“The good thing about being here is there’s really nowhere for her to go. I doubt she’ll leave you here with no transportation.”
The Abby I knew wouldn’t, either, but I’d hurt her badly last night. There was no way for me to know what I’d inadvertently turned her into.
She wasn’t in the room when I went back upstairs. But a quick check assured me she hadn’t left. Her clothes were in the closet and her toiletries were in the bathroom. She hadn’t even taken the car. The keys were still on the table where I’d left them.
While I waited for her to get back, I called home and spoke to Lynne and the kids. They sounded so happy. It had truly been a godsend to find Lynne to be our nanny. Elizabeth was as bubbly and bright as ever. Henry was speaking more often in shorter sentences. Sometimes it made me ache because they seemed to be growing so fast. I knew I’d turn around and find they were teenagers.
An hour before I was due to give my speech, she still hadn’t shown up. I gave serious thought to searching the grounds until I found her. But I knew she needed time and distance and though it went against everything inside me, it was important that I gave her that.
I finally put my speech notes away and took a shower. Then I walked down to the conference room. It didn’t feel right to have so much alone time. Even when I traveled for work and she couldn’t come with me, we were always connected somehow through text, or e-mail, or something. This distance from her felt as if I’d lost part of who I was. Which made sense. After so many years, I was no longer only Nathaniel West. I was also Abby’s husband, Elizabeth and Henry’s dad, and Abigail’s Master.
Today, it felt as though two of those were missing. As I walked to the conference room for my speech, I vowed I’d find her afterward and we would talk this through. I’d listen and let her rant and yell at me because I more than deserved it. Then we’d sit down and work our way through it as we had done with other problems in the past.
Because I’d made it to the conference room early, it was relatively empty. I went to the platform and put my notes down. An employee came in and we did a sound check. Once that was done, there was nothing left but to wait.
Just get through the speech. Then you can find her and head home.
Home. Tonight we would be home. After a car ride back to Delaware with Daniel and Julie.
I didn’t even want to contemplate how awkward that potentially could be.
People started drifting in. I was the last speaker on the schedule, so I’d thought many people would be heading home and I’d have a small audience. I guessed wrong. There were a lot of people gathering. As they did so, it wasn’t too hard to pick out the ones who had witnessed my fight with Abby the night before. They strolled into the room and did a quick double take when they saw me.
Yes, I wanted to say. It’s me. The ass from last night. Come in and sit down. You know you’re even more interested now in what I have to say.
I was surprised no one left after seeing it was me. Maybe they wanted to stand around and give me hell after the speech. I certainly deserved that. Or perhaps they were interested in what the ass from the night before had to say.
It never occurred to me that Abby wouldn’t show up. The entire day I’d operated with the assumption she’d be at my speech. Yet when I stood up after being introduced, I did a quick glance around the room and didn’t see her.
I looked down at my notes, staring at the words I’d written until they blurred and I couldn’t see them anymore. Someone in the back coughed. I sighed. I really didn’t want to be up here.
&n
bsp; “Thank you all for coming today,” I said. Better to get the speech over and done with. Then I could find Abby and we could leave this place. “Today I’m going to talk about the building blocks of a strong D/s relationship.”
I almost snorted. Right. This should be good. Even I didn’t believe this one.
The back door creaked open and my breath caught as Abby walked in. Head down, she took a seat in the back. I tried my best to see her expression, but there were too many people in front of her and I could only make out the top of her head.
But regardless of her mood, she’d come. We were in the same room. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. The same person coughed again. I tore my gaze away from Abby and saw that not only was everyone looking at me, they were looking as if I had three horns growing out of my head.
Right. The speech. Damn it.
I cleared my throat. “Like I said, today’s topic is the building blocks of a strong D/s relationship.”
Two women in the front row started to murmur to each other. I glanced back at Abby to make sure I didn’t conjure her from my imagination. The person in front of her leaned over and for a second I could see one of her eyes peeking out at me. I knew she’d slept; I’d seen her sleeping. But it didn’t appear to have been restful sleep. There were dark circles around her eye and it was red, as though she’d been crying. Even so, she was beautiful.
Satisfied that she was really and truly in the back, I picked up my notes. I could do this.
But the cards mocked me. I ripped the notes in half.
There was a murmur of surprise from the audience. The two women in the front row stopped talking. In fact, I suddenly had everyone’s complete and undivided attention.
I forced a smile, but I don’t think it worked. “If any of you were at the courtyard last night, you know as well as I do that I have no business talking about how to build a strong D/s relationship. How to completely fuck up the best thing in your life? Yes. How to scare the living hell out of your submissive? I’m your man. But a strong relationship?” I shook my head. “You better look elsewhere.”
I wadded up the torn pieces of my speech and placed the paper ball it made on the corner of the podium. “Love is a funny emotion. Not funny in the ha-ha sense, but funny in what it does to you. For over ten years I participated in the BDSM scene and never fell in love. I cared for the women I was with. I wanted their pleasure, but I didn’t love them.
“There’s freedom in that type of play. You have no sort of expectation beyond the scene you’re in. There’s no deep emotional commitment. And another upside is that the person you’re with can’t hurt you. Well, he can hurt you physically, but if you don’t love him, the emotional hurt isn’t as damaging to you. If you want freedom, forget love.
“When you love someone, you have the ability not only to harm their body, but to cut their soul to pieces. And though those cuts may heal, they leave scars behind. With enough scars, you stop feeling anything at all. The skin’s too thick.”
I looked to Abby’s right and saw that Julie and Daniel were sitting next to her.
“If you’re smart,” I said, “you’ll play without love.”
I paused to let that sink in.
“Love makes you do things you never thought you’d do,” I continued. “It keeps you up at night. It makes you sick and drives you crazy. And when you combine it with the intensity of a BDSM relationship? Forget it, you’re just asking for trouble. It’s much safer to play without love.”
The two ladies in the front row looked confused. I couldn’t gather the courage to look at Abby yet.
“I played for over ten years without love. But for the last ten, I’ve played with love. I’ll tell you the truth. Love is hard. Love takes work. And sometimes love truly sucks.” I grabbed the edges of the podium, looked down at the crumpled paper of my speech. “But I would trade twenty years of no love for one hour with it. Because in my experience, there is nothing more beautiful, more worthwhile, more rewarding, or more precious than being with the one you love.
“I’m not smart. I’m not safe. And I’ll trade every bit of my freedom for the prison of love.” I looked back into the crowd and found Abby. She was looking at me with tears streaming down her face. “I can’t talk about building strong D/s relationships, because I royally screwed mine up. But I can talk about what I know, and I know that life is nothing without love.”
There was more I wanted to say. More I needed to say. But grief and guilt crushed me and it was all I could do to grab hold of the podium so I wouldn’t stumble. I dropped my head.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and stepped back from the microphone.
I had to find Abby. I made my way down the stairs off the platform. As I walked toward her, some part of me heard the crowd’s applause and felt the pats on my back and shoulders as I passed people. Some of them even spoke, but there was only room for one word in my world.
Abby.
I hurried as best I could to where she sat, dodging the people who crowded my way wanting to talk, because all they did was block my view of her seat. I probably wasn’t even very nice and I knew I didn’t speak back. As I pushed my way past a huge mountain of a man, her seat came back into view.
It was empty.
I stopped cold.
She’s left me.
My body turned to ice and I couldn’t breathe.
She’s left me.
I struggled to inhale.
She’s left me.
“Nathaniel.”
My head shot up and to the right. And in the middle of the aisle, standing with wet cheeks and outstretched arms, was my universe, my everything, my love.
“Abby,” I managed to get out as I crossed the remaining steps between us with four long strides. “God, I’m sorry.” I took her in my arms as hers slipped around me. I held her as tightly as I could, overjoyed with the privilege to do so. “I’m sorry. I love you so much.”
She sniffled. “I love you, too.”
I couldn’t say anything else. The most important words had already been said. There would be time later for words. Please let there be time later for words. What I needed was to hold her. To have her in my arms. To feel her breath on my cheek and her heart beat in time with mine. Everything felt right again while we were in each other’s arms.
She pulled back, but instead of stepping away, she tipped her head up. “Kiss me.”
I could do nothing else other than brush my lips with hers. Once. Twice. And on the third pass, she grabbed my hair and held me in place while she kissed me thoroughly.
The crowd around us once more broke into thunderous applause and she smiled against my lips. She gave me one more kiss and pulled away, making sure she had my attention.
“I’m ready to talk,” she said. “And more important, I’m ready to listen.”
I took her hand and entwined our fingers. “Let’s get out of here.”
Chapter Fifteen
NATHANIEL
We didn’t speak as we made our way back up to our room, but she didn’t take her hand out of mine. Once inside, I led her to the couch and sat down, still holding hands.
“You were a complete asshole last night,” she said.
“Yes.”
“That for one second it even crossed your mind to have me give someone else a blow job?” She shook her head. “I don’t know what upsets me the most: that you considered it or that I did.”
I would never get the image out of my mind of her kneeling while that man undid his jeans.
“I was getting ready to safe-word,” she said. “You beat me to it. Can you tell me why? Why you thought I wanted that?”
“Seeing you dance and having fun with those men did something to me. You were enjoying yourself and I realized it was more than people watching you, because you were getting into the dance with that younger guy. We’d talked about a threesome, and I thought maybe it was the next step you’d want to explore.”
“But you made that decision without t
alking to me.”
“I was wrong.” Playing with others wasn’t a hard limit for her. But our assumption had always been that if there was another party involved, they wouldn’t touch her in a sexual way. But that had always been more my defined limit. We’d never discussed the exact lines of her limits.
“Damn straight you were.” She squeezed my hand. “But it