THE DATE
“A lot becomes a little just by wanting a little more.”
Francisco de Quevedo
The countdown to my date with Erik had begun and without even noticing we were in the last week before Christmas vacation. It had been a memorable week; it was like I was floating, and my feet weren’t touching the ground. I was totally crazy about Erik and I’d started to think that he felt the same way.
On Monday my angel was waiting for me at Lit class. Beth gave him the place next to me in class and she sat at the empty desk next to Daniel. During lunch Erik had joined our group, chatting with everyone, joking with Thomas, debating with Megan and kidding with Beth and Daniel. It seemed impossible to me that anyone could experience the happiness I felt with Erik beside me. It was a strange sensation, as if a part of me had always been waiting for him. I finally felt complete, satisfied.
He didn’t miss the occasional opportunity to stroke my hair, hold my hand or gently touch my cheek with his fingers. But he didn’t hug me like he did that Sunday, and his lips never touched my skin again. I didn’t worry about that slight distancing, but what if this didn’t go right?
The way we’d connected was very powerful, so we didn’t need to make it more complicated with kisses and caresses. Although I was dying for them, it helped me to think that way.
“If it weren’t for the way he looks at you, I’d say he was gay!” Beth snapped bluntly, while we were on our way to math class on Friday.
“Don’t be mean. He’s not like everyone else. He’s not in a hurry.”
“Yeah sure, and I’m joining a convent. Wake up! Guys don’t think with their heads. They follow their impulses. Here and now, that's all that interests them. I don’t know; there’s something about him that makes me suspicious.”
“We’re just friends,” I said by way of explanation.
“Ok. But Thomas is your friend too and you don’t eat him up with your eyes.”
We’d arrived in class and I had to resist the urge to answer her when I saw our Math teacher looking at us reproachfully.
I didn’t want to think about what Beth had said for longer than necessary, but it had already gotten to me, raising a doubt in my mind. Would Erik regret going on a date with me? Was I pushing him too hard? Anxiety was gripping my throat. I tried to take a deep breath, but the air didn’t go further than my nose.
The class went on forever. I couldn’t wait to get out of there and talk to him. I
needed to dispel my doubts and I knew I’d only be able to do it by looking into his eyes.
I couldn’t see him. Although I looked everywhere for him when the class ended I couldn’t find him. I went to the street searching for his car. It wasn’t there. He’d gone. We hadn’t arranged anything for the next day. What was I supposed to do? Should I wait until he showed up at my door again?
The cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out quickly, wanting to hear the one voice I wanted to hear at that time. I wasn’t disappointed.
“Stella?”
“Yes, it’s me.” I noticed the furious beating of my heart in my throat.
“I had to leave early because of... family problems, so I called to find out what time you want me to pick you up tomorrow.”
“Oh,” I said stupidly. The doubts were gone, as if by magic, just by hearing the sweet melody of his voice.
“What about five?” I said at last.
“Sounds good. Is something wrong?” He’d noticed my voice, of course.
“I'm fine. Relax, nothing’s wrong,” I said hastily.
“Perfect; on point as you say round here! I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow.”
I was back up in the clouds. My little balloon of bliss, which Beth had deflated with her stupid assumptions, started to fly high again.
Nicole was in the garden when I got home. I ran to my room after saying a brief hello. The next day would finally be the great day. Erik and I would be alone together. I started rummaging through my closet looking for something nice. Nothing too formal. We weren’t going to dinner, to the theater or anything. It was just an afternoon movie. I went for a denim skirt, which went well with my cowboy boots and a tailored white shirt. I nodded with satisfaction at what I saw in the mirror. I left the clothes on a chair, ready for the next day. I looked at my bed and let out a sigh. The entire contents of my closet, and half of my mother’s, were scattered all over my bed. I started to pick them up before Nicole saw the mess I’d made with her clothes.
My mother spent the whole dinner looking at me suspiciously, asking me trivial questions, which I answered unenthusiastically, but over dessert she decided to go on the attack.
“Tomorrow you're going out with that cute guy, right?”
“His name is Erik,” I replied without looking at her, on the defensive.
“Do you like…”
“Yes, the chicken’s delicious,” I replied, taking a piece and putting into my mouth, avoiding her question.
“Don’t be silly. I’m talking about Erik. You like him, right?”
“I think so,” I mumbled.
“Woo! My daughter has found her Prince Charming.”
“I don’t believe in Charming Princes, their charms have all faded, except for Erik,” I smiled sheepishly. I knew my mother would understand what I was going through, but I was still too ashamed to talk openly about my feelings for him.
“You’re just like your dad, too realistic.”
I started to answer, but she interrupted me.
“Okay, don’t worry, I’ll leave you alone. Just one more thing, don’t get too involved, because if something goes wrong...”
“Really, mom, I don’t understand you. Do you want me to go out with Erik or not?” I interrupted, as she toyed with a piece of chicken. If my mother had known how obsessed I was with Erik, I think she’d have had a heart attack.
“I want whatever you do to make you happy. That's what matters. And if this guy makes you happy, go ahead, I’m just asking you to be careful.”
She got up from her chair and leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead.
“Thanks, Mom.”
She waved her hand dismissively.
“Do you want more chicken?”
“No, don’t worry, I’ll clear up.” I got up and began to take the dishes to the sink “You must be tired and I’m on vacation. Go to bed.”
“Okay. Good night, honey.” I kissed her again and hugged her tight.
I spent the night drifting between dreams and nightmares. I woke up constantly to look at the clock, eager to see how the walls of my room were turning pink as the pale light of dawn announced the start of a new day.
I woke up quickly when I heard the sound of the door closing. I went down to have breakfast, still half-asleep. My mother had gone to work. She’d been working too many weekends without rest. I shook my head. ‘She works too hard,’ I thought, as I had so many times before. I gave thanks for the list of chores Nicole had left written on a piece of paper. I’d be busy all morning. That was great.
My nerves wouldn’t let me eat. I tried to take a bath to relax a little, but it didn’t work. I busied myself drying my hair. I didn’t usually wear makeup, but a little mascara on my lashes and lip gloss made me look presentable. At last minute I decided to wear different clothes. I chose a light dress with small flowers, which matched my boots; I knew I’d look great. It was going to be cold, but what did that matter? I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.
The phone rang in my bag. I was sitting on the couch, clipping my nails, looking at my watch constantly, waiting for it to get to five o’clock. There were only a couple of minutes to go. I looked at the phone without picking it up. It was Beth. She could wait. I didn’t want to get even more nervous than I already was. I still couldn’t believe this was real. What did Erik see in me? What strange miracle had led him to focus his interest on someone like me? Did he also feel that electricity running through his b
ody as I did when he was near?
The phone rang again. I answered it, knowing that Beth wouldn’t leave me alone all afternoon if I didn’t.
“Hi, Beth.”
“What’s up? Got any plans for this afternoon?”
I don’t know why, but I told her about my date with Erik.
“What?! How?!” I immediately regretted it.
“I‘ll tell you everything tomorrow, okay?”
“No! No way! I’ll never forgive you for this. How could you not tell me all week? You're so mean! By the way, we’re tagging along too.”
“Tagging along?” I asked, knowing the answer before I heard it.
“Going to the movies with you, silly.” I listened as she told Daniel, who was obviously with her. “Daniel and I are on our way. See you there. It’ll be a great double date.”
“Beth, Wait!”
“See you. Ciao.”
She hung up and left me with the phone in my hand, like a fool. She’d done it. I was even more nervous now, if that was possible. I started massaging my temples, my head about to explode.
The doorbell caught me by surprise. After waiting so long for this moment now, thanks to the Beth’s little intervention, I was caught off guard.
“You look beautiful,” said Erik, when I opened the door. He looked me up and down and got me blushing on the spot.
“You don’t look so bad yourself.” I wanted to play things down, because if we started with comparisons, he won hands down. His hair was disheveled, as usual. He was wearing dark blue jeans, a white shirt and brown leather jacket. He looked like he’d just stepped out of a designer store window display.
I lost myself in his blue sea when my eyes met his. It was a delicious sensation.
“Shall we go?” he suggested, offering me his arm.
Without thinking twice, I accepted his offer and held him close. Then I remembered Beth. I should tell him before we met up with them.
“Beth and Daniel are waiting for us at the movies.”
A look of disappointment crossed his face. He was pensive, as if he was analyzing my words. I needed to know what he was thinking. Maybe he thought I didn’t want to be alone with him; nothing could have been further from the truth. I decided to make that clear, just in case.
“I'm sorry; Beth gave me no choice. She called me and when she knew we were going to the movies she invited herself.” I sighed in resignation.
“Hmm.” He was still immersed in his thoughts: “I'm thinking…” he said finally, “that I don’t want to see that movie any more. Do you mind?”
“It doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to come, I'll understand.” I agreed sadly.
“I don’t mean that I don’t want to go, I don’t want us to go.” he replied, emphasizing the “us”. “I don’t want to share you with anyone tonight.”
I froze. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering desperately.
“So...” I was so emotional that I couldn’t finish the sentence. He finished it for me.
“I want us to go alone somewhere quiet where we can talk without your lunatic friend butting in the whole time.”
I was totally knocked sideways, as always when he showed any interest in me. I looked at the floor, avoiding his eyes. My pulse was on fire when his fingers brushed my chin. He lifted my face, looking at me with those eyes like sapphires.
“What do you think? Shall we forget the cinema and go somewhere else?”
“Yes.” I whispered, in a small voice, swallowing hard. “I don’t want to share you either.”
“Perfect.”
He waved his hand in the direction of his car.
“Go ahead,” he said, opening the door of his shiny black Audi like a gentleman.
I was floating. I felt like a princess in a fairy tale. My prince smiled at me from his seat.
“I don’t know the town very well, so I'm open to suggestions.” His lips were still curled into a beaming smile.
“There isn’t much you can do here, apart from going to the movies, an option that we’ve completely ruled out. So, how about a hot chocolate?” I couldn’t think of anything better, especially if what we wanted to have some peace and quiet.
“Whatever you like.”
We drove most of the way in silence, speaking just enough to show him the way to the cafeteria we were going to. Today was my chance to get to know everything about Erik, but I didn’t dare satisfy my curiosity until we sat at a table in the small restaurant.
“You said you don’t know the town very well. Where are you from exactly?” I started to ask.
“From the North.” he said dryly. That didn’t make things any clearer.
“But, where exactly? Alaska?”
“No, a little further away.” he said, smiling like I’d just said the funniest thing ever. “Iceland.”
“Wow! That’s pretty far! And how did you end up here, on the other side of the world?” ‘Luckily for me,’ I added mentally.
“My parents,” he answered, hesitating slightly; “thought it would be good for me to see the world, you know, to get to know different cultures and,” he hesitated again; “they sent me here to study.”
“Sounds like a Science project.” I said mockingly; “I feel like a human guinea pig.”
He smiled at my nonsense.
“And? Is our culture worthy of your interest?” I ventured, jokingly. I was feeling more comfortable.
“You’re worthy of my interest,” he said gazing at me; “and worthy of more.”
The blood went to my face and colored my cheeks, my heart overflowing.
“Why do you think I’m so interesting?” I wanted to put my cards on the table once and for all.
I felt his blue eyes piercing my skin.
“It's obvious, isn’t it?”
“I'd rather hear it from you,” I insisted. I didn’t understand what all the mystery was about. His attitude implied that he liked me, but why it was so hard to tell me?
“I doubt that,” he murmured, with a faraway look in his eyes.
His answers puzzled me.
“When you get like that, there’s no understanding you.” We were talking about the same stuff yet again.
“Well we’d better talk about something else.” He laid his eyes on the steaming cup of chocolate he had in from of him “What happened to your father?”
“You know that's not a good topic.” Why did he get the answers and I had to wait? I was upset.
Of course it didn’t last long. My anger vanished as if by magic when his hand gently stroked mine. It was a magical second. I didn’t even dare to breathe so as not to break the moment.
“There’s a lot of sadness in you; I see it in your eyes. You'll feel better if you share it.”
“Thanks, but really, I don’t want to talk about it.”
I didn’t want to wallow in sad memories or get angry with him. Did I really care so much about why he was interested in me? The only really important thing is that he was here with me now, period.
“Why don’t you tell me something about yourself?” I asked cautiously.
“What do you want to know?”
“I don’t know… What do you do when you're not in class? In your spare time I mean.”
“Read, watch TV, go for walks in good company,” he said winking at me, almost giving me a cardiac arrest. “I don’t know. I like a lot of things. I’m quite restless. But lately I have one preference over all the others.” he said squeezing my hand with his, making me feel like molten iron between his fingers.
His skin was warm, pleasant. It felt like silk on my skin. He started drawing small circles on the palm of my hand with his fingertips. I thought I was going mad. He should be thankful that I was quite a retrained person, or I would have pounced on him right there and eaten him alive with kisses.
I concentrated on each and every one of the sensations I was experiencing. I looked and saw he was looking at our clasped hands. He had a strange expression on his face,
as if he was witnessing something miraculous.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked, trying to prize him out of his thoughts.
“Shakespeare.” Now I was completely lost.
“Shakespeare? I don’t get it. Is everyone in Iceland as mysterious as you?”
“No,” he said cheerfully “I’m weird even in my country.”
That calmed me down a little. Erik was aware that sometimes he behaved strangely.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re thinking about Shakespeare?”
“I was thinking more about the things you told me when we were doing the Lit assignment,” he said, quietly measuring his words.
“You got angry with me.”
“Yes, you said things I didn’t want to hear,” he said, still stroking the back of my hand “I ... I'm not ready for this.”
“And who is?”
“You seem very sure of yourself, of what you’re saying. Have you ever fallen in love?”
“No,” I swallowed, “Until now.”
His face lit up with a radiant smile which filled my heart with happiness. I was terrified, being so open with him, but I was totally his. I wasn’t in control of anything, especially of my heart. It beat only for him and because of him.
“And what are you feeling now?” I knew that would be his next question before I even heard it.
“I think Shakespeare fell short in his descriptions,” I answered evasively.
“You're afraid.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you don’t want to put a name to what you feel,” he stated triumphantly.
I was amazed. Were my feelings so exposed to him? What gave him the right to judge me so easily? I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me once and for all.
“What about you? Can you tell me what you feel?” I looked at him defiantly “Can you put a name to it?”
My questions affected him more than he wanted to let on. He remained calm, with a fixed smile on his lips. A fixed grin, a mask. I waited, happy because I was the one who was making him feel uncomfortable for once. I hadn’t realized until then how his eyes told me more than his words did.
“I'd better take you home.”
That was the last thing I was expecting to hear. He let go of my hand and was wearing his mask of indifference. His eyes were like two icebergs sunk into his face.
“Why so early?” I was furious. Why could he expose my feelings and I couldn’t do the same with him? It wasn’t fair. I blushed, but this time from anger and helplessness: he was getting away with it again.
“Let’s just leave it at that. We’ve talked enough nonsense for today.”
I was going crazy. Just when I’d had the situation under control, or so I thought, it all backfired on me. What was Erik hiding in his heart that just by getting close to him, he had to push me away?
The uncertainty was worse than the loneliness. I was lying in bed, analyzing what had happened. There was no way of understanding what was going on with Erik. He was always the one looking for me, and then he rejected me. This time I wasn’t going to give in. This time he'd have to give me an explanation.
Sunday morning went by unnoticed. I didn’t want to answer the calls from Beth. The last thing I wanted was to talk about my pathetic afternoon with Erik. I had enough with not being able to stop thinking about him. Nicole was pottering around the house humming some old song. She suggested, then bullied me into going for a walk, making the most of the calm, clear-skied evening.
We walked around the outskirts of town. I loved to walk at that time of day. The smell of wet grass brought back happy memories from the afternoons I’d spent with my father. It was cold, but it was nice to be away from home for a while. Within the four walls of my room everything was much more depressing.
“What about your date with Erik?”
“Mom, do we have to talk about it?”
“Sorry, darling, I just wanted to start a conversation.”
The joy disappeared from her eyes, making me feel terrible.
“No, I’m sorry. Let's talk about whatever you want except for Erik, okay? Today ... I'm not in the mood.”
“Okay. Let's talk about your plans for next year. Have you thought about which universities you want to apply to?”
That was better. I rambled on as much as I could, so she didn’t have a chance to change the subject.
The sun was leaving its last orange strokes on the clouds when we got home.
In the end it was a good evening. Lately, thanks to my mother’s job and my exams, we hadn’t done anything together for too long. The walk was good for me. I was calmer and more relaxed. I came to the conclusion that it was stupid and selfish for me to get angry with Erik. After all, he’d warned me: 'Just friends'.
I didn’t know what I would face when I saw him again. Only one thing was for sure, Erik was hiding something. A secret. And it was clear that I was close to guessing it. That explained his mood swings. ‘I’ll find out in the end.’
And with that thought I closed my eyes and fell asleep.