Three a.m. This was getting to be a bad habit, but at least now I knew his name: Erik.
I recalled in my mind the image of his face, his blue eyes, the line of his jaw, the curve of his lips. I stopped for a moment. I was surprised at the reaction of my body at the thought of how it would feel to kiss him.
That simple presumption, kissing his lips, feeling the taste of his mouth on mine, sparked my hormones up again and I could feel the fire inside. I got out of bed in a sweat, went to the mirror in the corner of my room and looked at myself.
Comparisons are odious, I know, but I needed to guess what he’d seen in me in the reflection that the mirror threw back.
My body left much to be desired. It wasn’t a magazine cover body like his. My face was nothing special. Although my mother never got tired of telling me how beautiful I was, I knew she was biased, that all mothers said that to their children. Only my eyes were in any way remarkable for such an unremarkable face. Big and golden as honey. I’d have liked it more if I’d inherited Nicole’s gray color. My hair wasn’t bad; a light brown wavy mane swept down my back. But it was as ordinary as the rest of me.
I’d never stopped to think about my appearance as much as then, although I couldn’t do too much to improve it. It would be better to stop looking in the mirror.
I went back to bed even more confused than before. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but Beth's words came back to my mind again and again, like when you hear a song and you can’t stop humming it. “It was mutual,” she’d said. Could it be true? Did he feel the same need as I did to be with him? What did he think when I looked into his eyes?
I had to admit I was pleasantly surprised by the interest he seemed to have in me. I didn’t know what to think. There was something odd behind all this. He could have anyone he wanted, with that gorgeous body and the face of an angel. Maybe it was just a game. Had he decided to conquer the school weirdo?
I was beginning to think incoherently. I forced myself to sleep, closing my eyes tightly. It was like a curse. I could only see his eyes, staring at me as I struggled to sleep.
I woke up suddenly to the steady beeping of the alarm. Again the shrill sound tore me from the best dream ever. I could still remember clearly what I’d dreamt, or rather about whom. I closed my eyes, searching in my head for the shards of my vanished dream.
“Stella, didn’t you hear the alarm?”
I’d gone back to sleep.
“No, Mom,” I yelled.
I could hardly move out of bed. Then a thought struck me: I would see him again in class. All that lethargy turned into energy, imagining the moment when I would see his ice-blue eyes.
That day was a constant bustle of activity. We had two exams, History and Algebra. I knew the results would be disastrous. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but I looked at every one of the faces that crossed my path. This anxiety was going to kill me.
But my search was fruitless. Erik was nowhere to be seen.
In the afternoon I renewed my hopes at Lit class. Unfortunately for me, the Professor of Biology had changed the class time to tell us about an excursion. I didn’t really pay much attention to what he said, wrapped up in my disappointment.
“Are you going home?” Beth asked, as we picked up our books.
“No, I have to work today.”
On top of everything else. I couldn’t go home and let my sorrow swallow me up. I had to go to the restaurant. Today couldn’t get any worse.
“You want a ride?”
“No, I'd rather walk.”
I looked at her, but she said nothing more. I was grateful for the silence.
“Well. See you tomorrow,” said Beth, waving goodbye as we walked out the door.
“See you.” I answered wanly and started walking towards my next round of torture.
This was beyond me. I was restless and bad-tempered. My behavior was completely illogical. After all, since that first time, there’d been more days when I hadn’t seen him than days when I had. There was no reason for me to get depressed like that. But I couldn’t help it. ‘You're pathetic,’ said a little voice in my head, as I opened the restaurant door a little too calmly.
The shift was exhausting. Luckily, we closed early. I saw my mother's car parked out on the street and I couldn’t help sighing with relief. At least it would save me the walk home.
“Hello darling,” she said as I got in.
“Hi.”
“How was your day?”
“Tragic.”
“What about the tests?”
“Tragic.”
“And work?”
“Tragic.”
“Not your day today, huh?” She slipped her arm behind me. I hadn’t realized how tense I was. My shoulders felt heavy and my head felt as if it had been removed from the rest of my body.
“No. It was ...” She didn’t let me finish the sentence.
“Let me guess ... Tragic?” she smiled.
“Very funny, Mom.” I was in no mood to have my problems played down like that.
We made our way back home in silence.
“I think I’ll go to bed,” I said suddenly as I walked through the door.
“Okay.” Nicole had incredible patience with me, I had to admit.
My feeling of guilt for having treated my mother so rudely grew. She didn’t have to put up with my bad moods, but even so, she did.
“Can I?”
“Sure, Mom. Come in.”
“I brought you a glass of milk and some cookies.” She put the tray on the desk, went to bed and kissed me on the forehead. “Sleep well, honey.”
“You too.”
“I love you, darling.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
I sat there, watching her leave the room. It had been an awful day, and why? I knew the answer perfectly well.
Erik.
I drank the milk and ate a couple of biscuits although I wasn’t at all hungry, and got into bed. Finally, after so many sleepless nights, sleep overtook me almost immediately. I was exhausted; I had taken my body to the limit.
The harsh winter had made an appearance and snow covered everything.
The weeks passed and my desire to see him grew stronger. I couldn’t wait to walk into class and see his icy, sea-blue eyes, watching me from a distance, something he seemed to be making a habit of. Just feeling his eyes on me, a single look, made my anxiety disappear and my day began to brighten up.
I’d shared a desk with Beth since we were kids, but since Erik had arrived on the scene, I really wished I could sit next to him and feel him close. I wouldn’t, of course. Just seeing him made me blush, so I didn’t know what would happen if he was sitting right next to me.
Erik and I crossed paths almost every day going into class, walking down the corridors, or standing by the lockers. I had the crazy feeling that he was looking for me, but I knew that was quite impossible. He was polite to me, but nothing more; even so, my heart was bursting with the stupid idea that he was as anxious to see me as I was to see him.
We were in literature class. Erik was sitting a few rows back. I could have seen his face by just turning around, but there was no way I’d do that. I almost choked at the thought of him catching me looking at him so brazenly. Mrs. Stewart was writing something about some project on the board. Lately I’d done nothing right in Lit class. I could only concentrate on one thing and he was sitting a few desks away. In the same room, breathing the same air as me. Luckily this was my favorite subject and I had no trouble catching up at home.
The harsh voice of the teacher brought me back to reality all of a sudden.
“Erik Wallace, you will pair up with Miss Preston.”
I opened my eyes wide. Erik? My partner? What for?
I looked at Beth in dismay. I had no idea what was going on. That’s what comes of daydreaming for a whole hour.
Beth read my terrified expression.
“You’re doing the Shakespeare assignment with your hot Viking
,” she whispered.
The blood rushed into my face. Heat ran through my body. An assignment? Us? Together?
Beth looked at me, obviously amused. My face must have been a picture.
“If I were you I’d be jumping for joy. That’s what I call luck!” she added. “Cheer up, this is a golden opportunity.”
Luck? Sure, but was it good or bad?
If I could barely concentrate in class having him at a safe distance from me, how would I be able to work on an assignment with him?
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or something. I couldn’t resist any more and turned slowly, searching out his eyes. He stared back, winking, a subtle smile forming on his lips.
He was delighted, and I was going to have a heart attack.
The bell rang. I picked my things up quickly and rushed out, trying as hard as I could not to run into him. I needed to calm down. At least I should be able to string two coherent sentences together before I talked to him.
Beth came running behind me.
“Stella! Hey, Stella! Where’s the fire?” she screamed, while I slowed my pace so that she could catch me up. “You're killing me with all this running. You want me to take you home?” she suggested when she was by my side.
“No thanks. You know I like to walk when I can’t think straight.”
We went outside and the terrible cold scratched at my face. I could almost feel my skin peeling off.
We were in mid-December, but even so, that evening was unusually cold.
So I agreed only too happily to let her give me a ride home. She was crazy, but not as crazy as the idea of walking home in such awful weather.
Beth was meeting Daniel in the parking lot. Lately they’d become inseparable. It seemed that this time things were getting serious, judging by the way she spoke about how wonderful the Southerner was.
Suddenly I felt my legs seize up. I couldn’t walk a single step further. Erik was standing beside Beth’s car, talking enthusiastically with Daniel.
I felt electricity course through my body as he turned to me and gazed at me with an icy intensity. Nothing else existed for me but him and his eyes.
“Stella, what are you doing there all dazed?” I heard Beth say. “Come on, move, I'm freezing.”
I snapped out of my paralysis and walked towards her. I noticed that my face was burning up under my skin despite the cold.
“Hi,” Erik greeted me, stepping forward towards us.
“Hi,” I said, but it sounded so quiet that I didn’t know if he’d heard me.
He stared at me again.
“How’s it going?” Beth asked, shifting her gaze between the two of us. Finally her gaze fell on me, seeing as neither of us was paying her any attention. “I’ll wait for you in the car, okay?”
“Okay.” I managed to answer, without even looking at her.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the angel in front of me. I still didn’t understand why I was going through this. What power did that look of his have over me? I couldn’t understand it. I just went with it.
“I'm glad you’re letting Beth take you home,” he said at last. “I was waiting for you.”
“Normally I walk, but... it’s cold today and...” I sounded silly, unable to put a whole sentence together.
I looked at the ground. Curiosity overcame my embarrassment.
“You said you were expecting me. How did you know that...?” I’d calmed down a bit, but I still had a dry throat and my face was hot.
“I didn’t,” he replied with a shrug. “I just heard her offer to take you and I was waiting here just in case you decided to accept.”
His voice was in complete harmony with his beauty, although it was somewhat distant. I felt a great sweetness in it.
“So why were you looking for me?” I didn’t want to be rude. Far from it, in fact, but it was uncomfortable. We hadn’t talked about anything since we’d met. Terse smiles and furtive glances and little more than that. Sometimes I thought that he might be just a little interested in me, and Beth thought so too. But this made me very nervous. I hadn’t had time to think very carefully about what to say or do at a time like this. So I got defensive. As had already happened to me the few times I’d exchanged more than just a quick hello with Erik.
“It seems we have an assignment to do together. Once I overheard you saying to Beth that you loved Shakespeare, so this should be a breeze for you, shouldn’t it?”
I could feel his eyes on my face, but I was still focusing on the cracks in the asphalt.
“Hasn’t anyone ever told you that spying on people is wrong?” I blurted. I felt very vulnerable.
Apparently he’d been watching me in class more than I’d thought. In fact I didn’t even remember the conversation he was talking about. I didn’t know what to say and I chose to look offended.
“Excuse me, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, his face a few inches from mine, searching my eyes with his. “Are you mad at me?”
I looked up and found that deep sea. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak; I was just trapped in the intense blue.
A smile curled round the corner of his mouth and lit up his handsome face. Then I realized that I hadn’t replied, I was just standing there staring dumbly. Now he’d made me really angry. Why did I feel that way?
He seemed satisfied by how I was reacting to him being so close. I blinked against my will and looked away.
“And?” he asked, with a smile plastered all over his face.
“What?” I couldn’t even remember what we were talking about.
“Are you angry with me?”
“Yes. Pretty angry.” My tone of voice didn’t match my words. It sounded too weak. And my face was too red.
“Forgive me. I'm really sorry.” There was a tinge of regret on his face, although it betrayed a hint of a smile. He was more amused than repentant, for sure.
“What do you find so funny?”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m not stupid, you know. I can see it on your face; you're having a great time watching me squirm.”
“No! Don’t think that. It's just...” Now it was his turn to be dumbstruck. That made me feel better. “It’s just that we always end up arguing. Like we can’t have a normal conversation.”
He was right. I didn’t dare to talk to him but when I had no choice, we always ended up arguing.
“Perhaps if you hadn’t been so concerned with spying on me, we’d get on better.” What was I saying? Had I totally lost it?
With talk like that, I’d push him away even more when, in fact, I was thrilled that he was interested in me, more than I’d imagined. I resigned myself to it. I’d said it.
I bit my lower lip, waiting for him to answer.
“If you didn’t keep dodging me, I wouldn’t have to spy on you,” he said, trying to justify himself.
“All right, this is getting us nowhere.” I just wanted to go and not keep making matters worse. I’d already displayed enough stupidity for one day.
“I’d better go,” I added, not expecting him to say anything.
I started to walk past him with as much resolve as I could muster, when he suddenly grabbed me so I couldn’t move.
“Wait, don’t go.” I wasn’t thinking of going anywhere with his hand touching my arm. “I don’t want to argue any more. I just wanted to meet you, for the assignment.” His voice was so sensual and intoxicating that I just nodded, unable to say anything.
I was dizzy. My heart was pounding. I didn’t dare to breathe, to break the magic between us right then. Something changed in him. His gaze was warmer, as if the ice in his eyes was melting, spilling into mine. For a moment I had the impression that he felt out of place too. We’d connected in a special way. A mutual attraction, like magnets.
Erik regained his composure before I did.
“See you tomorrow after school?”
“Okay. Tomorrow’s perfect.”
I tried to clear my head. I was going to have
a date with the boy of my dreams tomorrow. That meant I was going to be with him alone. My stomach knotted. He looked at me expectantly.
“See you here; we’ll go to your house together.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.
We were going to my house? I thought we would be going to the library or something. If I’d thought I couldn’t get any more nervous that afternoon, I had another think coming.
“Okay, see you tomorrow,” I said turning around, my arm released from the sweetness of his grasp.
My face reddened again, although maybe it had been like that the whole time. At this rate, crimson would be my usual skin tone. I didn’t even want to imagine what might happen the next day after an afternoon with my heavenly angel eyes.
Beth was waiting for me in the car. Daniel was at her side. I felt a pang of envy. Why couldn’t I be at ease with Erik like I was with her? Why couldn’t I be more natural, more spontaneous? I didn’t know if it was a virtue or a vice; I needed to feel like I had everything under control, which is why it bothered me so much when things got out of hand, like I felt with Erik.
I’d never been interested in complicating my life with love stories. I used to keep my distance with guys and suddenly he turns up with his angelic face, breaking down my safety barrier and of course my head, my ability to reason. It made me feel awkward. But my heart was another story. It leapt wildly and joyfully at the mere mention of his name. I was experiencing wonderful things, and tomorrow I’d have the chance to savor them at my leisure.
I said goodbye to Beth and Daniel as I got out of the car, standing in the doorway of my house. An icy breeze cut through my body down to the bone on the short path from the sidewalk to the front door.
My mother was flitting around the house, doing a million things at once. I left my jacket and backpack in my room and went looking for her.
“Hi, Mom.” I went over and planted a loud kiss on her cheek. “Can I help?”
“Hello,” she said, looking up. “No need, I’m almost done. I’ll just put this wash on and that’s it.” She had swollen eyelids and there was fatigue on her face.
“Are you okay?” I was worried; she was working a lot to cover expenses.
“Yes, honey, today was a hectic day at the hospital. This unexpected cold is causing new outbreaks of influenza. We’ve been overrun; we haven’t stopped for a minute.”
“Truth be told, it’s absolutely freezing.” I turned to go to my room. “I'm going to do my homework, okay?”
“Ok, I’m going to lie down for a while until dinnertime.”
I knew my mother wasn’t being honest with me. I knew her too well. Tomorrow was their wedding anniversary. A very hard day for her. She’d almost certainly gone days without sleep, giving in to tears. Nicole felt worse about losing Carl than I did. I figured it was because I still had a life to build, and hers had been shattered. I wanted to comfort her, but I knew it was useless. Nicole was a strong, determined woman. She was trying, every way she knew, to provide me with some kind of of normality to keep me from suffering even more, but I knew it was all a facade. She was suffering. She was suffering a lot.
I started to do my math homework. Numbers were a good antidote against sad thoughts. I spent the afternoon in my room, studying, while Coldplay played, again and again, on my stereo.