Mission Earth 3
The Enemy Within
By L.Ron Hubbard
Version 1.2
Scanned by Casca
Proofed and formatted by BW-SciFi
Voltarian Censor's
Disclaimer
The Crown refuses to take any responsibility for the effects that this highly fictional account may have on anyone who is gullible enough to believe that the planet "Earth" exists or that any of the ridiculous actions occurring thereon have anything to do with accepted fact.
The pretentious attempt to weave the names of a few actual figures, such as Jettero Heller, into a completely fabricated invention to give it the appearance of credibility is the worst form of dramatic license. That it also claims to be the "prison confession" of an admitted assassin whose entire life was devoted to lying, stealing, blackmail and every other form of criminal mayhem should itself be sufficient warning.
Therefore, anyone undertaking even a cursory reading of this collusory yarn does so at his own risk.
The so-called planet "Earth" does NOT exist and NO one can produce ANY evidence to claim otherwise.
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace, Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Voltarian
Translator's
Preface
Hi again!
As long as the Royal Publishing Code (Section 8) requires that any translated work "be so identified... by the licensed translatophone," I shall do so.
This work has been translated from Voltarian into your Earth language by yours truly, 54 Charlee Nine, your dues-paying Robotbrain in the Translatophone.
How I translated it for a nonexistent world speaking nonexistent languages is no real feat. I also interpret political speeches. And you may consider this boasting, but I can also translate judicial opinions.
So you see, I'm not required to correct fallacies and misconceptions. I just translate. It's when I run into vocabulary problems as I did in the last volume with hyperluminary (faster than light) phenomena that I am obligated to bring it up.
I have another such instance in this volume: electrons.
Earth scientists like things that go round and round, such as rats, wheels and politicians. So they think electrons are little "things" that whirl around other "things" called atoms.
Don't tell anybody, but they're wrong.
At some later point, they will find out that electrons aren't anything but motion. That's all. Nothing else. Just motion. The problem is that few know what motion is. If they did, they'd crack the "Einstein barrier" and come up with some solutions for a change.
So when you read in this volume how a machine "shifts electrons," just remember that it is another example of Earthbound, Neanderthal science.
As before, I am providing a Key to this volume. Don't let it be said Robotbrains don't help.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Key to
THE ENEMY WITHIN
Absorbo-coat—Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable.
Afyon—City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret base. (See map.)
Antimanco—A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information—The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.
Atalanta—Province on planet Manco settled by Prince Caucalsia who, per Folk Legend 894M, started a colony on BIito-P3 (Earth).
Babe Corleone—The six-foot-six leader of the Corleone mob, widow of "Holy Joe."
Barben, I. G.—Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.
Bawtch—Soltan Gris' chief clerk for Section 451 on Voltar.
Bildirjin, Nurse—Turkish teen-age girl hired by Prahd Bittlestiffender to assist him.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd—Voltar cellologist found by Soltan Gris, who implanted Jettero Heller with transmitters so Gris could monitor Heller's sight and hearing.
Blito—A yellow dwarf star with but one inhabitable planet in the third orbit (Blito-P3). It is about 22 1/2 light-years from Voltar.
Blito-P3—Planet known locally as "Earth." It is on the Invasion Timetable as a future way-stop on Voltar's route toward the center of this galaxy.
Blixo—Apparatus freighter that makes regular runs between Blito-P3 and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.
Blueflash—A bright, blue flash of light used by Voltar ships to render anyone in the vicinity unconscious before landing. Also known as stunlight.
Bolz—Captain of the Blixo.
Bugging Gear—Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had implanted in Jettero Heller. Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything Heller sees or hears. The signals are picked up by the receiver and decoder that Gris carries. When Heller is more than 200 miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is turned on to boost the signal. Gris stole them from Spurk.
Buhlshot—Chairman of the Board at F.F.B.O.
Bury—Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney, member of the firm Swindle and Crouch.
Caucalsia, Prince—According to Folk Legend 894M, he fled Manco during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on Blito-P3. Also, the name given to Tug One.
Cellology—Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Code Break—Violation of Space Code a-36-544 M which prohibits alerting others that one is an alien. If this occurs, those alerted are destroyed and the violator is put to death.
Coordinated Information Apparatus—See Apparatus.
Corleone—A Mafia family now headed by Babe Corleone, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of "Holy Joe.
"
Crobe, Doctor—Apparatus doctor and cellologist who examined Jettero Heller for his mission. He delights in making freaks.
Decoder—See Bugging Gear.
Empire University—Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.
Endow, Lord—Voltarian Lord of the Exterior, member of the Grand Council and Lombar Hisst's superior in the Voltarian government. Soltan Gris has placed Too-Too in his office to act as a spy.
Epstein, Izzy—Student at Empire University whom Jettero Heller hires to set up a corporate structure.
Exterior Division—That part of the Voltar government that reportedly contained the Apparatus.
Faht Bey—Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.
F.F.B.O.—Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in the world.
Flagrant, J. P.—A Vice President at F.F.B.O.
Fleet—The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.
Folk Legend 894M-The legend of how Prince Caucalsia fled Atalanta, Manco, to Blito-P3 where he set up a colony called "Atlantis."
Gracious Palms—The elegant whorehouse operated by the Corleone family across from the United Nations.
Grafferty, "Bulldog"—New York City police inspector on Faustino Narcotici's payroll.
Grand Council—The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Blito-P3 from destroying itself so the Invasion Timetable could be maintained.
Gris, Soltan—Apparatus officer in charge of Blito-P3 (Earth) Section 451 and an enemy of Jettero Heller.
Heller, Jettero—Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by Grand Council order to Blito-P3.
Hisst, Lombar—Head of
the Coordinated Information Apparatus who, to keep the Grand Council from discovering his plan, sent Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
"Holy Joe" Corleone—Head of the Corleone family until murdered. He did not believe in pushing drugs, hence his name.
Hot Jolt—A popular Voltarian drink.
Hypnohelmet—Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.
Inkswitch—Name used by Soltan Gris when pretending to be a U.S. federal officer.
Invasion Timetable—A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Karagoz—Turkish peasant, head of Soltan Gris' house in Afyon.
Krak, Countess—Condemned murderess, prisoner of Spiteos and sweetheart of Jettero Heller.
Madison, J. Walter—A public relations expert and former member of the staff at F.F.B.O. He is also known as J. Warbler Madman.
Magic Mail—Apparatus trick where a letter is mailed but won't be delivered as long as a designated card is regularly sent.
Manco—Similar to Blito-P3 and home planet of Jettero Heller and Countess Krak, it is the source of Folk Legend 894M.
Manco Devil—Mythological spirit native to Manco.
Mutazione, Mike—Owner of the Jiffy-Spiffy garage who customized, for Jettero Heller, the Cadillac and the vintage cab.
Narcotici, Faustino "The Noose"—Head of a Mafia family that is the underworld outlet for drugs from I.G. Barben and is seeking to take over the territory of the Corleone family.
Odur-See Oh Dear.
Oh Dear—Nickname for Odur, a clerk in Soltan Gris' Section 451. He, along with Too-Too, is forced by Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it to him on Earth.
Raht—An Apparatus agent on Blito-P3 who, with Terb, was assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Receiver—See Bugging Gear.
Rimbombo, Bang-Bang—An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Corleone mob.
Rockecenter, Delbert John—Native of Blito-P3 who controls the planet's fuel, finance, governments and drugs.
Roke, Tars—Astrographer to the Emperor of Voltar, Cling the Lofty. Roke's discovery that Earth was destroying itself prompted the Grand Council to send Jettero Heller on Mission Earth.
Section 451—A Section in the Apparatus headed by Sol-tan Gris that is responsible for just one minor star, Blito, and one inhabitable planet in the 3rd orbit (Blito-P3) known locally as "Earth."
Silva, Gunsalmo—Former bodyguard to "Holy Joe" and believed to be the one responsible for killing the Corleone boss.
Simmons, Miss—A teacher at Empire University who has promised Jettero Heller she will flunk him out of school.
Slahb, Gyrant—A famous Voltarian cellologist whom Soltan Gris impersonated in order to persuade Dr. Prahd Bittlestiffender to help him on Blito-P3.
Snelz—Apparatus platoon commander at Spiteos, who befriended Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak when they were prisoners there.
Space Code a-36-544 M Section B Section of the Voltarian Space Code that prohibits landing and prematurely alerting the population of a target planet that is on the Invasion Timetable. Violation carries the death penalty.
Spiteos—The secret mountain fortress and prison run by the Apparatus on the planet Voltar where the Countess Krak and Jettero Heller had been imprisoned.
Spurk—Owner of "The Eyes and Ears of Voltar" company who was killed by Soltan Gris.
Stabb, Captain—Leader of the Antimanco crew that piloted Tug One.
Sultan Bey—The name Soltan Gris assumes in Afyon, Turkey.
Swindle and Crouch—Law firm that represents Delbert John Rockecenter's interests.
Tavilnasty, Jimmy "The Gutter"—Mobster who gave to Soltan Gris a list of criminals who will want face-change operations at Gris' hospital.
Tayl, Widow Pratia—Nymphomaniac on Voltar.
Terb—Apparatus agent on Blito-P3 who, with Raht, has been assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Too-Too—Nickname for Twolah, a clerk in Soltan Gris' Section 451. He and Oh Dear are forced by Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it secretly back to him on Earth.
Tug One—Powered by the feared Will-be Was time drives, this spaceship is used by Jettero Heller to travel the 22 1/2 light-years to Earth. Heller renamed it the Prince Caucalsia.
Tup—An alcoholic beverage on Voltar.
Twiddle, Senator—U.S. Senator and supporter of John Delbert Rockecenter.
Twolah - See Too-Too.
Utanc—A belly dancer that Soltan Gris bought.
Vantagio—Manager of the Gracious Palms, the elegant whorehouse across the street from the United Nations, operated by the Corleone family.
Voltar—The home planet and seat of the 110-planet Confederacy that was established 125,000 years ago. At the time of Jettero Heller's mission, it is ruled by Cling the Lofty as the Emperor, through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.
Will-be Was—The feared time drives that allow Jettero Heller to cover the 22 1/2-light-year distance between Blito-P3 (Earth) and Voltar in a little over three days.
Wister, Jerome Terrance—Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.
Zanco—Cellological equipment and supplies company on Voltar.
831 Relayer—See Bugging Gear.
PART TWENTY
To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison, Government City, Planet Voltar, Voltar Confederacy
Your Lordship, Sir!
I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI, General Services Officer, former Secondary Executive of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (Long Live His Majesty Cling the Lofty and All of His Most Noble Lords), hereby with great humility and respect submit the third volume of my confession regarding MISSION EARTH.
I realize that Your Esteemed Lordship has many things to do here at the Royal Prison that are more important than reading the listing of my crimes against the State. However, if Your Most Noble Lordship has read my earlier accounts, I am sure that you will agree they show beyond doubt that I was merely following orders.
I don't mean to imply that I am innocent and thereby should be released from the cell that Your Magnificent Lordship has generously provided! No, that decision was most wise and the details contained herein will prove me out.
True, there is a certain injustice that I am in prison and Jettero Heller is still at large as a wanted criminal. However, I have every confidence that the combined police forces of Voltar will find and arrest him.
Whatever they do to him, it would never approximate what I would exact for revenge.
Perhaps my confession will at least provide a clue as to his behavior. However, I must warn you that Fleet Officer Heller is unpredictable. I know better than anyone. The bugs implanted in him allowed me to secretly eavesdrop on everything he saw and heard. Without his knowing it, I monitored everything that he did and I can assure you: Heller is dangerous!
For a Royal combat engineer, his assignment was simple. All he had to do was go to Earth (we know it as Blito-P3) and quietly introduce a few advances into their backward technology so the planet would still be inhabitable by the time Voltar invaded it in another century. It didn't matter that he didn't know the whole mission was a ruse. Lombar Hisst as the head of the Apparatus had fooled the Grand Council into sending a mission rather than a costly preemptive strike. That would have destroyed Hisst's major resource in his plan to become Emperor—the deadly Earth drugs that we were secretly shipping from our base in Afyon, Turkey.
My task seemed equally simple. All I had to do was accompany Heller to Earth and make sure his mission failed. Hisst was very emphatic about that point. Before we left Voltar, he told me that he had assigned one o
f his assassins to secretly follow me to ensure that I followed orders.
So I took Heller to the Apparatus base in Afyon. I made sure that he didn't see or hear anything that would tip him off that we were sending heroin and a drug called "speed" back to Voltar. He never knew that Hisst planned to use drugs to control the Voltarian government and the riffraff the way it was done on Blito-P3. From Afyon, I sent Heller to the United States.
It should have been a nice, simple, quiet mission. He should have landed, been stopped and that was that. Oh, no! Not Heller! Explosions, shootings, car chases, cops, FBI agents.
Who finally picks him up? A Mafia family! On top of that, they are antidrug and are run by a six-foot-plus amazon, Babe Corleone. What did Heller do? He bumped off Babe's competition! So where does he end up living? In a sumptuous suite in the Gracious Palms, a Corleone whorehouse filled with beautiful women across from the United Nations! And what does he buy? A Cadillac as big as a yacht and an old, beat-up New York taxicab!