Roy slid the letter out of the envelope. The writing in the first few lines was even and precise, as though Dan had carefully considered each word. Halfway down the second page the writing grew large, slanting downward. At the bottom, where Dan had signed his name, it was barely legible.
Roy turned back to the first page and began to read. Dan Sherman apologized to his wife for killing himself, and for the hell he’d put her through during their marriage.
Then Dan relayed the details of an incident that had happened in Vietnam when he’d walked into a village and killed a woman and her child. He’d mowed them down with bullets, murdered them out of instinctive fear. In the desperation of a young man willing to do anything to get out of the war alive, he’d killed innocents. Others had, too. How many had died in the village that day might never be known.
When he’d finished, Roy looked up and discovered Grace staring into the distance. She was pale but seemed composed.
“Dan was never the same after he came back from the war,” she said in a hoarse whisper. “Now I know why.”
“It was a long time ago,” Roy said reassuringly. Regret tightened his chest. He’d been a nineteen-year-old kid when he’d arrived in Vietnam. Thankfully he’d never been faced with the kind of situation Dan Sherman had found himself in.
Dan hadn’t indicated the number of people killed, but it appeared to have been a free-for-all. “The shooting just never seemed to stop,” he’d written. He’d lived with that guilt all these years. Sometime back, Roy remembered reading that as many Vietnam vets had died by their own hand in the years that followed as were lost in the war. The causes were varied, although plainly it was guilt that had driven Dan to such drastic action.
“Was this incident ever reported?” he asked.
“Reported?” Grace repeated. “That I wouldn’t know, but I doubt it.”
“What would you like me to do?”
“That’s just it. I…I don’t know what should be done with this information.” She studied him, clearly hoping he’d offer a solution. He had none to give her.
“Should I hand the letter over to the army brass and let them deal with it?” she asked.
He didn’t respond, merely raising one shoulder in a shrug.
“Or should I give it to Sheriff Davis and leave it up to him?” Her voice rose in agitation. “Here’s an idea,” she cried. “Maybe I should put the letter away and pretend I never read it. Better yet, I should destroy it completely.”
Roy understood her dilemma, and didn’t envy her. “I can’t tell you what to do, Grace.”
“Dan didn’t want Maryellen or Kelly to know. They’ve just buried their father. That was hard enough without asking them to deal with this, too.”
Roy agreed, but unfortunately this was a decision Grace had to make on her own.
“It happened almost forty years ago. It was a horrible time in our country’s history. We sacrificed fifty thousand men…. No one wants to uncover another My Lai.” She shook her head. “He didn’t say how many others were involved.” Her voice was soft, and Roy had to strain to hear. “I want to know what’s happened to the other men in the patrol. How have they managed to live with what they did? Have their lives been a living hell, too?” Her voice throbbed with emotion. “Did they walk the floors at night the way my husband did? Have their souls been tormented?” Her eyes held his. “Tell me what to do, Roy. You’re the only one I can ask. You’re the only one I trust enough to point me in the right direction.”
Roy leaned toward her. He wished he could supply the answer, but he couldn’t. From the dark circles under her eyes, he knew she’d been tormented by the responsibility Dan had imposed on her.
“It’s as though he couldn’t deal with it any longer and he laid the problem at my feet.” Her words confirmed his own feeling about the situation.
“For weeks—ever since Dan was found—I couldn’t sleep. I thought it was because of…something else, and it was better for a while, but it’s begun again. The insomnia.”
So she was the one walking the floors now.
“I’ve always been an easygoing sort of person, but lately…lately I’ve been depressed.”
“Have you been to see a physician?” he asked.
“What am I supposed to tell a doctor? That my husband was a mass murderer who recently committed suicide? Oh, by the way, this murder happened thirty-six years ago and has the potential to tear our country apart all over again?”
Roy sighed. She had a point. “Like I said, Grace, I can’t advise you what to do.”
“What if I decide to destroy the letter? The only people who’ll ever know what it said are you and me.” She challenged him with a narrowed look.
“Then so be it.”
“That’s not what I came to hear.”
He heard the desperation in her voice, but there was nothing more he could say.
“I’m paying you to help me figure out what I should do.”
“Do you want me to track down the other men?” he asked.
Grace shrugged. “I wouldn’t know where to start. Dan never spoke about his war experiences and he never mentioned who those other men were.”
Suddenly Roy wasn’t so sure Grace did want the truth.
“I could find that out for you.” He had connections in the Department of Defense; it would be a simple matter of a phone call or two.
Grace hesitated, closing her eyes. “I’ll think about it and let you know.”
“All right.” Roy knew that Grace wanted an answer but not the one that would rip apart her own life—or those of others. He’d wait to hear from her.
The morning Katie turned six weeks old, Maryellen bathed her, the way she usually did. She watched joyfully as her daughter flung out her arms, splashing and cooing with unrestrained delight. Katie sent a spray of water toward her, hitting Maryellen in the face.
Katie smelled of baby lotion and shampoo as Maryellen dressed her in a soft pink sleeper. Six weeks ago, Maryellen’s entire life had changed. Her daughter had given her purpose and such profound joy, it was all she could do not to close her eyes and thank God for this precious gift.
The doorbell rang, and Maryellen held Katie against her shoulder as she walked through the living room to answer it. The leaves on the oak tree were turning deep autumn shades and had started to litter the front lawn.
To her surprise Jon stood there, looking self-conscious. His eyes immediately went to Katie and a slow smile crossed his face.
“I developed some new pictures,” he announced. “I realize this isn’t my day to have Katie, but I wanted you to see them.”
“Nonsense, you’re welcome anytime.” Maryellen had been overwhelmed by the number of pictures Jon had already taken of their daughter.
“To be honest, I was having withdrawal symptoms. I figured this was a good excuse to see my little girl.” He held out a large envelope. “Trade you?”
He knew how much she loved his photographs. “Deal,” she said, giving him Katie and taking the envelope. While Maryellen sat on one end of the sofa and examined these latest pictures, Jon cooed at his daughter. It was difficult to pay attention to the photographs, drawn as she was to the sight of Jon with Katie. Letting him drive away with their daughter twice a week hadn’t become any easier, but she could never doubt his love.
As she reviewed the pictures, one in particular caught her interest. It was taken the morning Maryellen had gone to his house. She’d sat in the rocking chair in Katie’s nursery, breastfeeding their daughter. Her back was to the window and light spilled in around her. The cheerfully painted wall blurred in the background and only Maryellen and Katie were clear and vivid. Somehow Jon had captured the tenderness and love Maryellen felt for her daughter. Her focus was entirely on Katie, her smile a private one, for their baby alone. It was a classic image of mother and child, reminding her of paintings by Botticelli and Rembrandt.
She recalled that he’d had his camera with him that morning. She’d clowned ar
ound for him and he’d snapped picture after picture, but she hadn’t expected anything like this.
“I see you found it,” he said, watching her as she studied the photograph.
“How do you do it?” she asked softly. “How do you know the precise moment to catch a woman’s heart?”
He frowned as if he didn’t understand the question. For that matter, Maryellen wasn’t sure she understood it, either. She loved her daughter. Loved Katie so much that just the sight of her made Maryellen’s heart stop beating for a second or two. That was the love Jon had revealed so perfectly on film.
“I thought you didn’t take photographs of people,” she said. “Other than Katie, of course.” But she couldn’t help remembering the picture in his bedroom….
“Only you.” Jon kissed Katie on the forehead. “If it bothers you, I won’t again.”
That wasn’t what she wanted, but then Maryellen no longer knew what was right or wrong as far as Jon was concerned. He made everything so much more complicated.
“I…love this picture, Jon. I really love it.”
“Then it’s yours.”
To make matters worse, tears filled her eyes and she turned away as they ran down her cheeks.
“Maryellen?”
“What?”
“Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know, but it’s all your fault.” Her words, rash and illogical, escaped on a sob.
Jon stood and placed Katie in her bassinet. He paced back and forth a couple of times, then sat down next to Maryellen. She refused to face him as she tried to stem these ridiculous tears. Baby blues or not, she hated being out of control.
He touched her shoulder, so lightly she almost didn’t feel it. “Can you tell me why you’re crying?” he whispered.
“No,” she murmured.
Slowly he ran his hand down the length of her arm.
“Why do you have to be so wonderful?” she sobbed.
His hand paused. “Would you rather I was unreasonable and short-tempered?”
“I’ve treated you terribly. I hid the fact that I was pregnant, tried to keep you out of our baby’s life and all…all you’ve been is patient and wonderful. I could hate you for it.”
“Hate me?” He turned her shoulders so she was forced to face him.
“I don’t, though. I thought I would, but I don’t.”
He stroked the sides of her neck in a leisurely, hypnotic massage. Maryellen half closed her eyes and swayed toward him. Jon wove his fingers deep into her long hair and brought her mouth within a fraction of his own.
“After the way I’ve treated you, you should detest me,” she told him.
“I don’t, Maryellen,” he whispered, and his breath mingled with hers.
She parted her lips, anticipating his kiss. The tip of his tongue, moist and warm, outlined her mouth, and Maryellen moaned at the pure sensuality of it. Her lips parted further and Jon brushed his mouth against hers. His fingers tightened in her thick hair as he continued the kiss.
Maryellen tasted the salt of her tears and realized that she was weeping even as he kissed her. She heard him whisper, but couldn’t make out the words. Whatever he was saying didn’t seem nearly as important as what he was doing and what he was making her feel.
With her arms wrapped around him, she pressed against his hard, muscular strength. They were both panting, their shoulders heaving with the intensity of their desire.
A discordant sound made its way into her clouded mind. She groaned, not knowing where this lovemaking would take them, unwilling to stop. His hands cupped her breasts, and sensation bolted through her. With his mouth against hers, he unfastened her blouse and bra, and she felt his hands tremble as he eased his thumb over her swollen nipple. This latest invasion made her whimper as she tilted back her head.
The cry came again and Maryellen’s eyes flew open. “Katie,” she whispered. “It’s Katie.”
Jon drew back. They momentarily leaned against each other, trying to regain their equilibrium.
“You—I almost forgot the baby,” she said.
Jon laughed softly. “What baby? Oh, you mean our baby.”
“The very one.”
Maryellen stood up to check on Katie, who was fussing in earnest now. She punched the air with her arms and feet and screamed as though the world were ending. Maryellen supposed that for a baby, feeding time was about that important.
As discreetly as possible, Maryellen fastened her bra and blouse. It occurred to her that this was a bit silly, since she’d be unfastening them again in a minute. “Do you think we’ve warped her mind forever?” she asked, hoping to make light of what had happened between them.
“I can’t speak for Katie, but I know what you’ve done to me.”
“Are you…uncomfortable?” she asked, not knowing how to phrase the question any more delicately. Even when her intentions were good, she managed to hurt him—to reject him, either physically or emotionally. She assumed there’d been painful rejections in his past; all the signs were there. Her own life was colored with anguish he knew nothing about, distress that was impossible to share.
“I’ve been uncomfortable, as you put it, since the first night we kissed.”
She remembered that kiss. Halloween night a year ago. He’d walked her to her car after a party during which she’d introduced him to a friend. Her plan had been to foist him off on someone else in a pitiful attempt to get him out of her mind. That scheme had failed miserably, just like every other one she’d plotted in their bewildering relationship.
“I have to feed Katie,” she told him. Her feet felt unsteady as she reached for her daughter and positioned the infant in the crook of her arm. She sat down in her rocker, unfastened shirt and bra, and gave the baby her breast. Katie’s tiny mouth latched eagerly onto her nipple.
“I take it this is my cue to leave,” Jon said.
She nodded, unable to meet his gaze.
Jon stood only a few feet away. “I’ll leave the photos with you.”
“Thank you,” she whispered. She found it hard to believe that only moments earlier they’d practically been rolling around on the floor, kissing and groping with abandon. She was embarrassed, somehow, by the juxtaposition of maternal and sexual feelings.
“Keep the pictures you like for Katie’s baby book and I’ll get the rest on Sunday.”
“Thank you…I appreciate it.” He’d be back then, of course, to collect Katie. Her hold tightened around their daughter.
“I’ll see you Sunday.”
“Katie and I will be here.” She kept her eyes lowered.
She heard him walk over to the door. He opened it. “Maryellen?”
She glanced up and saw that his mouth was twitching with a barely suppressed smile. “You can hate me anytime you want.”
Zach Cox looked down at his watch. It was one of his nights with Allison and Eddie, and he needed to leave the office precisely at five. Frustrated, he closed a file and set it aside. He’d have to finish calculating the employment taxes for the Tulips and Things craft store tomorrow morning. Just as he was about to leave, Janice Lamond appeared in his doorway.
“Mr. Cox,” she said in a low voice. “I was wondering if you had a moment to review the Jackson quarterly tax statement with me?” Her look implored him.
It seemed she routinely required his help at closing time. Most nights Zach didn’t have a problem checking her figures, but on the evenings he spent with the kids, he simply didn’t have the extra minutes to spare.
“Can it wait until morning?” he asked as he stood.
Janice wore a short skirt. It rose up mid-thigh and exposed long, shapely legs. The skirt was too short and too tight. He’d never really noticed the way Janice dressed until recently. He glanced outside his office and realized the other women employed by the accounting firm were far more conservative in their clothing.
“Of course it can wait,” she assured him. “I forgot you’re with your children tonight.”
/> He nodded and reached for his briefcase.
“How is that arrangement working?” Janice moved all the way inside his office.
“About as well as can be expected.” Actually it was about as inconvenient as could be imagined. Half the time he didn’t know where he was sleeping—the apartment or the house. A week ago he’d arrived with clothes but no underwear. He now left a spare set in the trunk of his car. He didn’t feel inclined to tell Janice any of this, however.
As he prepared to leave the office, he placed several business magazines he hadn’t had time to read inside the leather case. Rosie had given him the briefcase for Christmas three years earlier and he’d used it every day since. He rarely had time for reading anymore. No time for golf, either, or jogging or any of the activities he’d once enjoyed.
“I won’t keep you, then,” Janice said with obvious reluctance.
“See you in the morning,” he said, and snapped his briefcase shut. “I can look at those figures then.”
“Figures?” she repeated. “Oh, yes, I almost forgot.”
He removed his suit jacket from the small closet and slipped his arms into the sleeves. Janice continued to linger. “Was there anything else?” he asked.
“Do you sometimes get lonely?” She fluttered her lashes and for some reason they reminded Zach of spiders.
“Lonely?” he asked.
“I mean, I did, after my divorce. It was such a hard time emotionally and I wanted you to know that I understand those feelings. If you ever need to talk to someone, I’m a good listener.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Zach had no intention of combining business with pleasure. He’d made the mistake of letting the lines blur earlier. It had started out innocently—she’d joined him for lunch one day when Rosie had to cancel at the last moment. Later, when he realized how unreasonable Rosie had become, he’d asked Janice to help him look for an apartment. He’d hoped to shake up his wife, get her to recognize what she was doing. His attempt had failed, to say the least. Rosie had taken his leaving seriously and seemed more than happy to have him out of the house. Janice had found him an apartment, all right, and the lines had blurred even further when he’d accepted a housewarming gift from her and taken her and her son to lunch.