CHAPTER FIFTEEN.
Examine him closely, goodman Dry; spare him not. Ask him impossible questions. Let us thwart him, let us thwart him.
BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER.
Soon after my arrival at Plymouth, notice was given by a general order,issued from the flag-ship, that a passing day for the examination ofmidshipmen, as touching their qualifications for the rank of lieutenant,would be held on board the _Salvador del Mundo_, in Hamoaze. I lost notime in acquainting my father with this, and telling him that I feltquite prepared, and meant to offer myself. Accordingly, on the dayappointed, your humble servant, with some fourteen or fifteen otheryouthful aspirants, assembled on board the flag-ship. Each was dressedout in his Number One suit, in most exact and unquizzable uniform, witha large bundle of log-books under our arms. We were all huddledtogether in a small screened canvas cabin, like so many sheep ready forslaughter.
About eleven o'clock, the captains who were to be our Minos and ourRhadamanthus made their appearance, and we all agreed that we did notmuch like the "cut of their jibs." At twelve o'clock the first name wascalled. The "desperate youth" tried to pluck up a little courage--hecleared his throat, pulled up his shirt-collar, touched his neckerchief,and his cocked-hat and journals, boldly followed the messenger into thecaptain's cabin, where three grave-looking gentlemen, in undressuniform, awaited him. They were seated at a round table; a clerk was atthe elbow of the president; "Moore's Navigation," that wise redoubtable,lay before them; together with a nautical almanack, a slate and pencil,ink and paper. The trembling middy advanced to the table, and havingmost respectfully deposited his journals and certificates of sobrietyand good conduct, was desired to sit down. The first questions weremerely theoretical; and although in the gun-room, or in any othercompany, he would have acquitted himself with ease, he was so abashedand confounded, that he lost his head entirely, trembled at the firstquestion, stared at the second, and having no answer to make to thethird, was dismissed, with directions "to go to sea six months longer."
He returned to us with a most woe-begone countenance; I never saw a poorcreature in greater mental torment. I felt for him the more, as I knewnot how soon his case might be my own. Another was called, and soonreturned with no better success; and the description he gave of thebullying conduct of the youngest passing captain was such as to damp thespirits, and enough to stultify minds so inexperienced as ours, andwhere so much depended on our success. This hint was, however, of greatuse to me. Theory, I found, was the rock on which they had split; andin this part of my profession I knew my powers, and was resolved not tobe bowled out by the young captain. But while I thus resolved, a thirdcandidate was returned to us, _re infecta_; and this was a young man onwhose talents I could have relied: I began to doubt myself. When thefourth came out with a smiling face, and told us he had passed, I took alittle breath; but even this comfort was snatched from me in a moment,by his saying that one of the passing captains was a friend of hisfather. Here then was solved an enigma; for this fellow, during theshort time I was in his company, gave proof of being no better than asimpleton.
On my own name being called, I felt a flutter about the heart which Idid not feel in action, or in the hurricane, or when, in a case moredesperate than either, I jumped overboard at Spithead, to swim to mydear Eugenia. "Powers of Impudence, as well as Algebra," said I, "lendme your aid, or I am undone." In a moment the cabin door flew open, thesentinel closed it after me, and I found myself in the presence of thismost awful triumvirate. I felt very like Daniel in the lion's den. Iwas desired to take a chair, and a short discussion ensued between thejudges, which I neither heard nor wished to hear: but while it lasted Ihad time to survey my antagonists from head to foot. I encouragedmyself to think that I was equal to one of them; and if I could onlyneutralise him, I thought I should very easily floor the other two.
One of these officers had a face like a painted pumpkin; and his hand,as it lay on the table, looked more like the fin of a turtle; the nailswere bitten so close off, that the very remains of them seemed to haveretreated into the flesh, for fear of further depredation, which theother hand was at the moment suffering. Thinks I to myself, "If ever Isaw `lodgings to let, unfurnished,' it is in that cocoa-nut, or pumpkin,or gourd of yours."
The next captain to him was a little, thin, dark, dried-up, shrivelledfellow, with keen eyes, and a sharp nose. The midshipmen called him,"Old Chili Vinegar," or, "Old Hot and Sour." He was what we term amartinet. He would keep a man two months on his black list, giving hima breech of a gun to polish and keep bright, never allowing him time tomend his clothes, or keep himself clean, while he was cleaning thatwhich, for all the purposes of war, had better have been black. Heseldom flogged a man; but he tormented him into sullen discontent, bywhat he called "keeping the devil out of his mind." This littlenightmare, who looked like a dried eel-skin, I soon found was the leaderof the band.
The third captain was a tall, well-looking, pompous man (he was thejunior officer of the three), with commanding and most unbendingcountenance: "He would not ope his mouth in way of smile, though Nestorswore the jest was laughable."
I had just time to finish my survey, and form a rough estimate of thequalities of my examiners, when I was put upon my trial, by thepresident, who thus addressed me:--
"You are perfect in the theory of navigation, I presume, sir, or youwould not come here?"
I replied, that I hoped I should be found so, if they would please totry me.
"Ready enough with his answer," said the tall captain; "I dare say thisfellow is jaw-master general in the cockpit.--Whom did you serve yourtime with, sir?"
I stated the different captains I had served with, particularly LordEdward.
"Oh, ay, thats enough; you _must_ be a smart fellow, if you have servedwith Lord Edward."
I understood the envious and sarcastic manner in which this was uttered,and prepared accordingly for an arduous campaign, quite sure that thisman, who was no seaman, would have been too happy in turning back one ofLord Edward's midshipmen. Several problems were given to me, which Ireadily solved, and returned to them. They examined my logs andcertificates with much seeming scrutiny, and then ventured a question inthe higher branches of mathematics. This I also solved; but I foundtalent was not exactly what they wanted. The little skinny captainseemed rather disappointed that he could not find fault with me. Adifficult problem in spherical trigonometry lay before them, carefullydrawn out, and the result distinctly marked at the bottom; but this Iwas not, of course, permitted to see. I soon answered the question;they compared my work with that which had been prepared for them; and asthey did not exactly agree, I was told that _I_ was wrong. I was notdisconcerted, and very deliberately looking over my work, I told them Icould not discover any error, and was able to prove it by inspection, byCanon, by Gunter, or by figure.
"You think yourself a very clever fellow, I dare say," said the littlefat captain.
"A second Euclid!" said the tall captain. "Pray, sir, do you know themeaning of `_Pons Asinorum_?'"
"Bridge of Asses, sir," said I, staring him full in the face, with asmile under the skin.
Now it was very clear to me that the little fat captain had never heardof the Asses' Bridge before, and therefore supposed I was quizzing thetall captain, who, from having been what we used to term a "harbour-dutyman" all his life, had heard of the _Pons Asinorum_, but did not knowwhich of the problems of Euclid it was, nor how it was applicable tonavigation. The fat captain, therefore burst into a hoarse laugh,saying, "I think he hits you hard; you had better let him alone: he willpuzzle you presently."
Nettled at this observation of his brother officer, the tall captain wasput upon his mettle, and insisted that the question last proposed wasnot satisfactorily answered, and swore by God that he never would signmy certificate until I did it.
I persisted; the two works were compared: I was threatened to be turnedback; when, lo! to the dismay of the party, the error was found in theirown
work. The fat captain, who was a well-meaning man, laughedheartily; the other two looked very silly and very angry.
"Enough of this, sir," said the martinet: "now stand up, and let us seewhat you can do with a ship." A ship was supposed to be on the stocks;she was launched; I was appointed to her, and, as first lieutenant,ordered to prepare her for sea. I took her into dock, and saw hercoppered; took her along the sheer-hulk, masted her; laid her to theballast-wharf, took in and stowed her iron ballast and her tanks; movedoff to a hulk or receiving ship, rigged her completely, bent her sails,took in guns, stores, and provisions; reported her ready for sea, andmade the signal for a pilot: took her out of harbour, and was desired toconduct her into other harbours, pointing out the shoals and dangers ofPortsmouth, Plymouth, Falmouth, the Downs, Yarmouth Roads, and even toShetland.
But the little martinet and the tall captain had not forgiven me forbeing right in the problem, and my examination continued. They put myship into every possible situation which the numerous casualties of asea-life present in such endless variety. I set and took in every sail,from a skysail to a trysail. I had my masts shot away, and I riggedjury-masts: I made sail on them, and was getting fairly into port, whenthe little martinet very cruelly threw my ship on her beam-ends on adead lee-shore, a dark night, and blowing a hurricane, and told me toget her out of that scrape if I could. I replied that, if there wasanchorage, I should anchor, and take my chance; but if there was noanchorage, neither he nor any one else could save the ship, without achange of wind, or the special interference of Providence. This did notsatisfy old Chili Vinegar. I saw that I was persecuted, and that theend would be fatal to my hopes: I therefore became indifferent; wasfatigued with the endless questions put to me; and, very fortunately forme, made a mistake, at least in the opinion of the tall captain. Thequestion at that time was one which was much controverted in theservice; namely, whether on being taken flat aback, you should put yourhelm a turn or two a-lee, or keep it amidship? I preferred the lattermode; but the tall captain insisted on the former, and gave his reasons.Finding myself on debatable ground, I gave way, and thanked him for hisadvice, which I said I should certainly follow whenever the caseoccurred to me; not that I felt convinced then, and have since foundthat he was wrong; still my apparent tractability pleased his self-love,and he became my advocate. "He grinned horribly a ghastly smile," and,turning to the other captains, asked if they were satisfied.
This question, like the blow of the auctioneer's hammer, ends alldiscussion; for captains, on these occasions, never gainsay each other;I was told that my passing certificate would be signed. I made my bestbow and my exit, reflecting, as I returned to the "sheep-pen," that Ihad nearly lost my promotion by wounding their vanity, and had regainedmy ground by flattering it. Thus the world goes on; and from myearliest days, my mind was strengthened and confirmed in every vice bythe pernicious example of my superiors.
I might have passed much more easily abroad. I remember, one fine dayat sea, in the West Indies, a boat was lowered down, and sent with ayoung midshipman (whose time was not fairly served, and whose age andappearance indicated anything but nautical knowledge) to a ship then incompany; in a quarter of an hour he returned, with his passingcertificate. We were all astonished, and inquired what questions wereput to him; he said, "None at all, except as to the health of my fatherand mother; and whether I would have port or white wine and water. Oncoming away," the brat added, "one of the captains desired I would, whenI wrote home, give his best respects to Lord and Lady G---. He hadordered a turkey to be picked and put in the boat for me, and wished mesuccess."
This boy was soon afterwards made a post-captain; but, fortunately forthe service, died on his passage to England.
There was certainly some difference between this examination and mine;but when it was over, I rejoiced at the severity of my ordeal. Mypride, my darling pride, was tickled at the triumph of my talents; andas I wiped away the perspiration from my forehead, I related mydifficulties, my trials, and my success, with a degree ofself-complacency that in any other person I should have called egregiousvanity. One good effect resulted from my long examination, whichcontinued an hour and a half--this was, that the captains passed all theother midshipmen with very few questions. They were tired of theiremployment; and thus, it was only the poor unlucky devils that took offthe fiery edge of their morning zeal, who suffered; and among "theplucked," it was known there were much cleverer fellows than many ofthose who had come off with flying colours.
There was one circumstance which amused me. When the captains came ondeck, the little Chili Vinegar called me to him, and inquired whether Iwas any relation to Mr ---. I replied that he was my uncle.
"Bless my soul, sir! why he is my most intimate friend. Why did you nottell me you were his nephew?"
I answered with an affected humility, very nearly allied toimpertinence, that I could not see by his face that he knew my uncle;nor, indeed, had I known it, should I have thought it delicate to havementioned it at such a time; as it might not only have implied a want ofconfidence in my own abilities, but also a suspicion that he might, bysuch a communication, have been induced to deviate from the rigid pathof his duty, and might therefore have received it as a personal affront.
"All that is very fine, and very true," said the veteran: "but when youhave an older head upon your shoulders, and have seen a little more ofour service, you will learn to trust at least as much to friends as tomerit; and rely on it, that if you could make yourself out cousin-germanto the old tom-cat at the Admiralty, you would fare all the better forit. However, it's all over now, and there's an end of it; but make mycompliments to your uncle, and tell him that you passed your examinationin a manner highly creditable to you."
So saying, he touched his hat to the sergeant's guard, and slipped downthe side into his gig. As he descended, I said to myself, "Damn yourmonkey face, you coffee-coloured little rascal--no thanks to you if Ihave passed. I suppose your father was a breeches-mender to the firstlord's butler, or else you shared your mother's milk with a lord inwaiting, and that's the way you got the command of the ---."
Elated with the result of the day, I threw myself into the mail thatevening, and reached my father's house in a short time after. Myreception was kind and affectionate; but death had made sad havoc in myfamily during my late absence. My elder brother and two sisters hadbeen successively called to join my poor mother in heaven, and all thatremained now to comfort my father was a younger sister and myself. Imust confess that my father received me with great emotion; his ownheavy afflictions from the loss of his children, and the dangers I hadundergone, as well as the authentic assurances he had received of mygood conduct, were more than sufficient to bury all my errors inoblivion; and he appeared, and I have no doubt really was, fonder andprouder of me than ever.
As to what my own feelings were on this occasion, I shall not attempt todisguise them. Sorry I certainly was for the death of my nearestrelatives; but when the intelligence reached me, I was in the midst ofthe most active service. Death in all its forms had become familiar tome; and so little impression did the event make on my mind, that I didnot interrupt the thread of my history to speak of it when it occurred.I take shame to myself for not feeling more; but I am quite sure fromthis one instance in my life, that the feelings are blunted inproportion to the increase of misery around us; that the parent, who, ina moment of peace and domestic tranquillity, would be agonised at theloss of one child, would view the death of ten with comparativeindifference, when surrounded by war, pestilence, or famine.
My feelings, never very acute in this respect, were completely bluntedby my course of life. These fond recollections which, in a calm scene,would have wrung from me some tears to their memory, were now drowned orabsorbed in the waste, the profligacy, and the dissipation of war: andshall I add, that I easily reconciled myself to a loss which was likelyso much to increase my worldly gain. For my eldest brother, I own that,even from childhood, I had felt a jealousy an
d dislike, fostered, as Ithink, in some measure unwisely, and in part unavoidably, by the conductof my parents. In all matters of choice or distinction, Tom was to havethe preference, because he was the oldest: this I thought hard enough;but when Tom had new clothes at Midsummer and Christmas, and his oldones were converted to my use, I honestly own that I wished the devilhad Tom. As a point of economy, perhaps, this could not be avoided; butit engendered a hatred towards my brother which often made me, in my ownlittle malignant mind, find excuses for the conduct of Cain.
Tom was to be sure, what is called a good boy; _he_ never soiled hisclothes, as I did. I was always considered as a rantipole, for whomanything was good enough. But when I saw my brother tricked out in newclothes, and his old duds covering me like a scarecrow, I appeal to anyhonourable mind whether it was in human nature to feel otherwise than Idid, without possessing an angelic disposition, to which I neverpretended; and I fairly own that I did shed not one-fiftieth part somany tears over Tom's grave as I did over his dirty pantaloons, whenforced to put them on.
As for my sisters I knew little about them, and cared less; we metduring the holidays, and separated, without regret, after a month'squarrelling. When I went to sea, I ceased to think about them,concluding there was no love lost; but when I found that death had forever robbed me of two of them, I felt the irretrievable loss. Ireproached myself with my coldness and neglect; and the affection I haddenied to them, I heaped threefold on my remaining sister: even before Ihad ever seen her on my return, the tide of fraternal love flowed towardher with an uncontrollable violence. All that I ought to have felttowards the others, was concentrated in her, and displayed itself with aforce which surprised even myself.
Perhaps the reader may be astonished that my first inquiry in London,when I had seen my father and my family, should not have been after poorEugenia, whom I had left, and who also had quitted me, under such verypeculiar and interesting circumstances. I cannot, however, claim muchcredit for having performed this duty. I did go, without loss of time,to her agent; and all that my most urgent entreaty could obtain from himwas, that she was well; that I still had credit at his house for any sumI chose to draw for in moderation; but that her place of abode must,till further orders from her, remain a secret.
As my father did not want interest, and my claims were backed by goodcertificates, I received my commission as a lieutenant in His Majesty'snavy about a fortnight after my arrival in London; but not beingappointed to any ship, I resolved to enjoy the "_otium cum dig._" andendeavour to make myself some amends for the hard campaign I had solately completed in North America. I felt the transport of being asomething: at least, I could live independent of my father, let theworst come to the worst; and I shall ever think this step gave me morereal pleasure than either of the two subsequent ones which I have livedto attain. No sooner, therefore, had I taken up my commission, than mythoughts turned on my Emily; and two days after the attainment of myrank, I mentioned to my father my intention of paying a visit to--- Hall.
He was at the time in high good humour; we were sitting over our bottleof claret, after an excellent _tete-a-tete_ dinner, during which Icontributed very much to his amusement by the recital of some of my lateadventures. He shuddered at my danger in the hurricane, and hisgood-humoured sides had well-nigh cracked with laughter when I recountedmy pranks at Quebec and Prince Edward's Island. When I spoke of MissSomerville, my father said he had no doubt she would be happy to seeme--that she was now grown a beautiful girl, and was the toast of thecounty.
I received this information with an apparent cool indifference which Iwas far from feeling inwardly, for my heart beat at the intelligence."Perhaps," said I, picking my teeth, and looking at my mouth in a littleivory _etui_, "perhaps she may be grown a fine girl: she bade fair to beso when I saw her; but fine girls are plentiful nowadays, since thevaccine has turned out the small-pox. Besides, the girls have nowanother chance of a good shape; they are allowed to take the air,instead of sitting all day with their feet in the stocks and their dearsweet noses bent over a French grammar under the rod of a Frenchgoverness."
Why I took so much pains to conceal from the best of parents the realstate of my heart, I know not, except that from habit deceit was to memore readily at hand than candour, certainly my attachment to this fairand virtuous creature could not cause me to blush, except at my ownunworthiness of so much excellence. My father looked disappointed--Iknew not why--but I afterwards learned that the subject of our unionhad, since my brother's death, been discussed and agreed to between himand Mr Somerville; and that our marriage was only to be deferred untilI should have attained the rank of captain, provided that the partieswere agreed.
"I thought," said my father, "that you were rather smitten in thatquarter?"
"Me smitten, sir?" said I, with a look of astonishment. "I have, it istrue, a very high respect for Miss Somerville; but as for being in lovewith her, I trust no little attentions on my part have been soconstrued. I have paid her no more attention than I may have done toany pretty girl I meet with." (This was indeed true, too true.)
"Well, well," said my father, "it is a mistake on my part."
And here the conversation on that subject was dropped.
It appeared that after the little arrangement between Mr Somerville andmy father, and when I had gone to join my ship in America, they had hadsome communication together, in which Mr Somerville disclosed, thathaving questioned his daughter, she had ingenuously confessed that I wasnot indifferent to her. She acknowledged, with crimson blushes, that Ihad requested and obtained a lock of her hair. This Mr Somerville toldmy father in confidence. He was not, therefore, at liberty to mentionit to me; but it sufficiently accounts for his astonishment at myseeming indifference, for the two worthy parents had naturally concludedthat it was a match.
Confounded and bewildered by my asseveration, that my father knew notwhose veracity to impeach; but charitably concluding there was somemistake, or that I was, as heretofore, a fickle, thoughtless being,considered himself bound in honour to communicate the substance of ourconversation to Mr Somerville; and the latter no sooner received it,than he placed the letter in Emily's hands--a very comfortable kind of_avant-coureur_ for a lover, after an absence from his mistress of fullthree years.
I arrived at the Hall, bursting with impatience to see the lovely girl,whose hold on my heart and affection was infinitely stronger than I hadever supposed. Darting from the chaise, I flew into the sitting-room,where she usually passed her morning. I was now in my twenty-secondyear; my figure was decidedly of a handsome cast; my face, what I knewmost women admired. My personal advantages were heightened by theutmost attention to dress; the society of the fair Arcadians had verymuch polished my manners, and I had no more of the professionalroughness of the sea, than what, like the crust of the port wine, gavean agreeable flavour; my countenance was as open and as ingenuous as myheart was deceitful and desperately wicked.
Emily rose with much agitation, and in an instant was clasped in myarms: not that the movement was voluntary on her part, it was wholly onmine. She rather recoiled, but for an instant seemed to have forgottenthe fatal communication which her father had made to her not two hoursbefore. She allowed me--perhaps she could not prevent it--to press herto my heart. She soon, however, regained her presence of mind, and,gently disengaging herself, gave vent to her feelings in a violent floodof tears.
Not at the time recollecting the conversation with my father, much lesssuspecting that Emily had been made acquainted with it, I cannot butconfess that this reception surprised me. My caresses were repulsed, ascoming from one totally disqualified to take such freedom. She evenaddressed me as Mr Mildmay, instead of "Frank."
"What may all this mean, my dearest Emily," said I, "after so long anabsence? What can I have done to make so great an alteration in yoursentiments? Is this the reward of affection and constancy? Have I solong worn this dear emblem of your affection next my heart, in battleand in tempest, to be spurned
from you like a cur on my return?"
I felt that I had a clear right to boast of constancy; nor were theflirtations of Halifax and Quebec at all incompatible with such adeclaration. The fair sex will start at this proposition; but it isnevertheless true. Emily was to me what the Dutchman's best anchor wasto him--he kept it at home, for fear of losing it. He used otheranchors in different ports, that answered the purpose tolerably well;but this best bower he always intended to ride by in the Nieu Diep, whenhe had escaped all the dangers and quicksands of foreign shores: suchwas Emily to me. I thought of her when in the very jaws of the shark; Ithought of her when I mounted the rigging in the hurricane; I thought ofher when bored and tormented to madness by the old passing captains;all, all I might gain in renown was for her. Why, then, traitor like,did I deny her? For no other reason that I can devise, than thatendless love of plot and deceit which had "grown with my growth."
Madame de Stael has pronounced love to be an episode in a man's life;and so far it is true. There are as many episodes in life as there arein novels and romances; but in neither case do they destroy the generalplot of the history, although they may, for the time, distract or divertour attention. Here, then, is the distinction between passion and love.I felt a passion for Eugenia, love for Emily. And why? Becausealthough it was through my own persuasions and entreaties that herscruples had been overcome; although it was through her affection for mewhich would not allow her to refuse me any demand, even to the sacrificeof herself, that Eugenia had fallen,--still, in the eyes of society, shehad fallen; and I did not offer up a pure and holy love to that whichwas not accounted pure. In this I gave way, ungratefully, to theheartless casuistry of the world. But Emily, enshrined in modesty, withevery talent, equal, if not superior charms, defended by rank andconnection, was a flower perpetually blooming on the stem of virtue,that it would have amounted to sacrilege to attempt to have plucked: andthe attempt itself would have savoured of insanity, from the utterhopelessness of success. Every sentiment connected with her was purefrom mere selfishness. Not for worlds would I have injured her; becausein destroying her peace of mind, my own would have fled for ever. WhenI contemplated our final union, I blushed for my own unworthiness; andlooked forward to the day when, by repentance and amendment, I might bedeemed worthy to lead her to the altar.
I had not time to pursue these reflections any further. Emily heard myappeal, and rising from her seat in the most dignified manner, addressedme in the commanding language of conscious virtue and injured innocence.
"Sir," said she, "I trust I am too honest to deceive you, or any one;nor have I done that of which I need be ashamed. Whatever reasons I mayhave to repent of my misplaced confidence, I will make no secret of thatwhich now compels me to change my opinion of you; you will find themamply detailed in this paper," at the same time putting into my hand theletter from my father to Mr Somerville.
In a moment the mystery was unravelled, and conviction flashed in myface like the priming of a musket. Guilty and convicted on the clearestevidence, I had nothing left for it but to throw myself on her mercy;but while I stood undecided, and unknowing what to do, Mr Somervilleentered, and welcomed me with kind, but cool hospitality. Seeing Emilyin tears, and my father's letter in her hand, he knew that an_eclaircissement_ had taken place, or was in progress. In thissituation, candour, and an honest confession that I felt a _mauvaisehonte_ in disclosing my passion to my father, would undoubtedly havebeen my safest course; but my right trusty friend, the devil, stepped into my assistance, and suggested deceit, or a continuation of that chainby which he had long since bound me, and not one link of which he tookcare should ever be broken; and, fortunately for me, this plan answeredat the time better than candour.
"I must acknowledge, sir," said I, "that appearances are against me. Ican only trust to your patient hearing while I state the real facts.Allow me first to say, that my father's observations are hardlywarranted by the conversation which took place; and if you will please,in the first place to consider that that very conversation originated inmy expressing a wish and intention of coming down to see you, and toproduce to your daughter the memento so carefully guarded during my longabsence, you must perceive that there is an incongruity in my conductdifficult to explain; but still, through all these mazes and windings, Itrust that truth and constancy will be found at the bottom. You mayprobably laugh at the idea, but I really felt jealous of my father'spraises so lavishly bestowed on Miss Somerville; and not supposing hewas aware of my attachment, I began to fear he had pretensions of hisown. He is a widower, healthy, and not old; and it appeared to me, thathe only wanted my admiration to justify his choice of a stepmother formyself and sister. Thus, between love for Miss Somerville, and respectfor my father, I scarcely knew how to act. That I should for one momenthave felt jealous of my father I now acknowledge with shame; yetlabouring under the erroneous supposition of his attachment to an objectwhich had been the only one of my adoration, I could not make up my mindto a disclosure which I feared would have renewed our differences andproduced the most insuperable bars to our future reconciliation. Thisthought burned in my brain, and urged the speed of the jadedpost-horses. If you will examine the drivers, they will tell you thatthe whole way from town they have been stimulated by the rapping of aSpanish dollar on the glass of the chaise. I dreaded my father gettingthe start of me; and busy fancy painted him to my heated imaginationkneeling at the feet of my beloved Emily. Condemn me not, therefore,too harshly; only allow me the same lenient judgment which you exercisedwhen I first had the pleasure of making your acquaintance."
This last sentence delicately recalled the scene at the inn, and thecircumstances of my first introduction. The defence was not bad; itwanted but one simple ingredient to have made it excellent--I meantruth; but the court being strongly biassed in favour of the prisoner, Iwas acquitted, and at the same time "admonished to be more careful infuture." The reconciliation produced a few more tears from my belovedEmily, who soon after slipped out of the room to recover her flurry.
When Mr Somerville and myself were left together, he explained to methe harmless plot which had been laid for the union between hisdaughters and myself. How true it is, that the falling out of lovers isthe renewal of love! The fair, white hand extended to me was kissedwith the more rapture, as I had feared the losing of it for ever. Noneenjoy the pleasures of a secure port as he who has been tempest tossedand in danger of shipwreck.
The dinner and the evening were among the happiest I can remember. Wesat but a short time over our wine, as I preferred following my mistressto the little drawing-room, where tea and coffee were prepared, andwhere the musical instruments were kept. Emily sang and played to me,and I sang and accompanied her; and I thought all the clocks and watchesin the house were at least three hours too fast, when, as it strucktwelve, the signal was made to retire.
I had no sooner laid my head on my pillow, than I began to call myselfto a severe account for my duplicity; for somehow or other, I don't knowhow it is, conscience is a very difficult sort of gentleman to dealwith. A tailor's bill you may avoid by crossing the Channel; but theduns of conscience follow you to the antipodes, and will be satisfied.I ran over the events of the day; I reflected that I had been on thebrink of losing my Emily by an act of needless and unjustifiable deceitand double-dealing. Sooner or later I was convinced that this part ofmy character would be made manifest, and that shame and punishment wouldoverwhelm me in utter ruin. The success which had hitherto attended mewas no set-off against the risk I ran of losing for ever this lovelygirl, and the respect and esteem of her father. For her sake,therefore, I made a vow for ever to abandon this infernal system. Imention this more particularly as it was the first healthy symptom ofamendment I had discovered, and one to which I long and tenaciouslyadhered--as far, at least, as my habits and pursuits in life would allowme. I forgot, at that time, that to be ingenuous it was necessary to bevirtuous. There is no cause for concealment when we do not act wrongly.
> A letter from Mr Somerville to my father explained my conduct; and myfather, in reply, said I certainly must have been mad. To this Iassented, quoting Shakespeare--"The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,"etcetera! So long as I was out of the scrape, I cared little about theimpeachment of my rationality.
The days at the Hall flew, just like all the days of happy lovers,confoundedly fast. The more I saw of Emily, the firmer and faster didshe rivet my chains. I was her slave; but what was best, I became aconvert to virtue because she was virtuous; and to possess her, I knew Imust become as like her as my corrupt mind and unruly habits wouldpermit. I viewed my past life with shame and contrition. When Iattended this amiable, lovely creature to church on a Sunday, and sawher in the posture of devotion before her Maker; I thought her an angel,and I thought it heaven to be near her. All my thoughts and sentimentsseemed changed and refined by her example and her company. The sparksof religion, so long buried in the ashes of worldly corruption andinfidelity, began to revive. I recalled my beloved mother and the Bibleto my recollection; and could I have been permitted to have remainedlonger with my "governess," I have no doubt that I should have regainedboth purity of mind and manner. I should have bidden adieu to vice andfolly, because they could not have dwelt under the same roof with Emily;and I should have loved the Bible and religion, because they werebeloved by her: but my untoward destiny led me a different way.