CHAPTER 8
THE JOURNEY TOWARD THE SNIFFER NATION
"As I see it," said Lisa as they traveled along, "there is at least onemajor difference between the problems in the Sniffer Nation and theproblems of Chilepepperland. The Chilepeppers, so far as I candetermine, are different from one another only in their viewpoints. Somemay have had a better education than others, but all were bornessentially equal. On the other hand, even if they were born equal, theSniffer citizens have a real physical reason for their disagreement withthe Stinkfoots. If you will forgive my saying so, I cannot believe thateither group is necessarily better or more important than the other.It's just that they are physically unable to co-exist."
"As much as it pains me to say it," replied the Sniffer citizen, "I haveto agree. After all, the Stinkfoot people used to get along fine with mypeople, so long as we kept our distance from one another. Now that theStinkfoots are infringing on our territory, we are forced to take actionagainst them despite our former friendship. But there simply is noalternative. They are taking away our homeland, and pushing us away.There is no other option but to push them back."
"It is a real problem when one specie overcrowds its territory," addedHootsey. "It must pave away all other life forms to further supply itsown needs."
"But no one has the right to crowd out what Nature has alreadyestablished," said Elephant. "Just imagine the chaos it would create if,say, the human race were to become so plentiful that it was levelingrain forests and wiping out all other forms of life to make room foritself."
"That would be terrible," agreed Hootsey. "And it is exactly what theStinkfoots are doing. Once they have pushed the Sniffers into eitherisolation or extinction, they may continue to outgrow the territory theyoccupy and move into other regions where they will do even more damage."
"They have to be stopped at any cost," said the Sniffer man.
"No," said Ozma. "Not at any cost. Even though they are doing bad, theyare still counted among my subjects. They are not enemies to Oz, and Iwill not have them entirely devastated. Our plan has to be fair to bothsides, not just one. As we have said, neither side is better than theother. You yourself agreed. We can't allow either race to be lost infavor of the other. That would upset the balance of Nature."
"But how else can we stop them from expanding to wherever they like?"asked the Sniffer citizen.
"There has to be a fair way to settle the dispute," replied the littleQueen. "And it is up to us to find it."
"What if we forbade them from eating any more stinkweeds?" suggestedNibbles. "That way, they wouldn't smell so bad, and the Sniffers wouldhave no further trouble with them. Also, they would no longer need to beliving in an area that would help the stinkweeds grow."
"You heard the letter," answered Lisa. "They won't agree to that. Theylike the smell that they get from the weeds, and they believe it willprevent anyone attacking them. They would never go along with thatplan."
"We're almost there" sighed the Sniffer citizen. "But we are no closerto an agreement. What can we do?"
"I intend to speak with your President," replied Ozma. "And I will alsomeet with the Stinkfoot President."
Ozma and the Lunechien party of five was greeted at the border of theSniffer Nation by President Humongous Schnozzle himself. Indeed, he musthave had the largest nose that Ozma had ever seen. It was longer thanthat of Elephant! "Probisquous!" he said joyfully. "You're back! And youhave brought an army with you!"
"Hello, Mr. President," said the Sniffer messenger. "This is Queen Ozmaof Oz and with her are Elephant, Lisa, Hootsey, Tweaty and Nibbles fromthe Lunechien Forest of Oz. I have told them of our plight, and theyhave come to try and help."
"And not a moment too soon," said President Schnozzle. "The Stinkfootshave sent me another letter. This time, they are threatening to burndown our village if we do not surrender immediately, I hope that yoursmall army is prepared to stand up to them."
"I did not come to fight," said Ozma with a firmness that surprised evenher. "I want to see the two sides come to an arrangement. If that is notpossible, we may then have to resort to stronger measures."
"I'm afraid that the Stinkfoots are beyond reasoning," sighed PresidentSchnozzle. "The only recourse we have is to fight fire with fire."
Ozma could see that the Sniffer President was not going to deviate fromhis present frame of mind without a struggle. "I do understand yourposition and I sympathize with your feelings," she said. "However,before anyone does anything rash, I wish to speak to President McFoot."
"Then I suggest that you hold your nose," replied Schnozzle. "Otherwise,you'll be overwhelmed by the stench and probably pass out."
"I'll take that chance," said the little Queen. "Just give me an hour totalk to Mr. McFoot before you start any uprising."
"I will give you all the time you want," replied the Sniffer President."At least, from my side. But if those stinkers start anything, you'dbetter believe that I will not sit doggo and let them destroy ourhomes."
"Fair enough," said Ozma. She then followed Probisquous to the edge ofthe Stinkfoot Nation. "I can't take you any further," he said. "My eyesare already starting to water. I hope you can handle the stinkiness fromthis point onward. It gets worse the closer you come to those guys."
Ozma thanked him and went on her way. Indeed, the smell was a potentone. She could see why it would ward off any potential attackers. Shetried to hold her breath, but that was not something she could doindefinitely. She tried holding her nose and breathing with her mouth,but that was hardly a dignified pose for the Queen of all Oz. When thestench became absolutely unbearable, she found herself face to face witha little boy who sported the tiniest nose she could have imagined. Itwas about the same size as that of a ladybug. His feet, on the otherhand, were enormous. "Who are you?" asked the lad.
"I amb Queen Ozba of Oz," she said with some difficulty. "I amb here tovisit with President Stinky McFoot of the Stinkfoot Nation."
"I thought your nose was too small to make you a Sniffer," he said. "Butit is sure a lot bigger than any Stinkfoot's. Hey, why are you holdingit like that?"
"I'mb afraid that I'mb having a hard time dealing with the sbell of thestinkweeds," she explained, not wanting to hurt the boy's feelings bymentioning his feet, which Ozma felt certain were the real source of theoffensive smell. She believed that it would be better to avoid anystatement that might be taken as a gesture of insult.
"The stinkweeds?" replied the boy. "But they are delicious. They are ourprimary food."
This was not going very well, and the little Queen was already feelingnauseated by the stench. She would not be able to take much timeexplaining her situation before she became physically ill. Thisproposed a problem, as she had never known illness to exist in Oz.Still, it was a matter that would require a bit of research. "I bust seeyour President," she sniffled uneasily. "Can you take be to himb?"
"Of course," said the boy simply, taking a handful of the stinkweeds andeating it. "I can take you to his mansion, anyway. I don't know if he'llwant to talk. He is preparing to fight the Sniffers for control of thefertile lands, and is very busy with that right now."
"That's just the thing," said Ozma. "I need to discuss that batter withhimb."
"Well," said the boy, "you are the Queen. Follow me."
Ozma followed the lad as quickly as she could under the circumstances.The smell only grew more pungent with each step. It was overpowering.But she knew that she had to help the two rivals to come to anarrangement quickly, as the Forest Monster could be doing nearlyanything at this point, and she was losing valuable time. She wishedthat she had sent the forest animals on to speak to the Saber-ToothedLight Bulbs without her, but she knew in her heart that such an actmight well have endangered her new friends. If she were not with theanimals, the Light Bulbs might well have attacked them. No, this was allshe could do. She only hoped that she had not chosen the wrong skirmishto settle first.
When she came to the mansion of President Stinky McFoot, she saw th
at itwas expansive. It was a good sixteen acres wide, and had more rooms thanany one man could possibly make use of. She hurriedly knocked on theheavy oak door.
Her knock was answered by a Stinkfoot who was dressed as a butler."Yes?" he said to her.
"I amb Queen Ozba of Oz," she explained. "I amb here to speak to thePresident."
"Queen Ozba of Oz?" replied the butler. "But you are just a child. Howcan you be the queen of anything? Except possibly a toy box."
"I amb Queen Ozba!" she said. "I amb serious! I bean it!"
"Okay," chuckled the Stinkfoot. "I'll play along for a moment. If youare the Queen of Oz, what is it you wish to speak to President McFootabout?"
"He is planning a war with the Sniffer Nation," said the Queen. "I wantto try to find a better way for your people to solve your differences."
"That is very touching," laughed the butler. "But if you were really theQueen of Oz, you would surely know that the matter is already settled.The Sniffer-snuffers will have to let us have the land we need tosurvive, and that is all there is to it. Now, go home little girl. Wehave a lot to attend to, and there really isn't any time for yourgames."
"But I amb really the Queen!" objected she.
"Yes," said the butler, "and I am Charles Dickens. My wife is the Queenof England. Now do run along." He shut the door before Ozma had a chanceto say anything more.
"This is not going at all as I planned," sighed Ozma. But the pungentodor was already more than she could take, and she knew that she mustget to some fresh air immediately if she was to be of any practical useto either the Sniffers or the denizens of the Lunechien Forest.Dejectedly, she returned to the Sniffer Nation. She was gasping for airby the time she arrived there, and so she breathed in several lungfulsof the cleaner, purer stuff. It was a treat that she was grateful for.
"So what did Stinky McStink have to say?" President Schnozzle asked Ozmaupon her return.
"I did not get in to see Mr. McFoot," said Ozma sourly. "But I sure didget a noseful of your immediate problem."
"Our immediate problem is the fact that a bunch of people withstinky-feet are planning to attack and burn our village to the ground. Iam sorry, Your Majesty, but we are left with no other recourse but to goto war with them and destroy them all before they do it to us. Surelyyou can see that they are unreasonable and unkind and un-un--well, abunch of other words that start with 'un.' We can't allow them toUN-ify us if we can help it, and we Sniffers are a proud people who willnot give in without a fight!"
"President Schnozzle," sighed Ozma. "I am not trying to belittle you oryour pride. I just don't think that resorting to violence is the way todeal with any situation. It only leads to misery for both sides."
"Not if we win," replied the President.
"In times of war," said Lisa, "there are no winners." The hoot-owl hadstayed back with the four Lunechien animals at the Sniffer President'smodest home, and was also a little disappointed at Ozma's failure tospeak to the Stinkfoot leader. So much had been riding on this meeting.
But Ozma had not gotten in to see him, and the simple fact remained thatthey were no closer to a solution than they had been before.
"Maybe we need those Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs right here," suggestedNibbles. "Then the Stinkfoots would be too scared to start a fight."
"I doubt it," reasoned President Schnozzle. "I'm not even sure that anySaber-Toothed Light Bulbs could handle the stinky smell of thosebuzzards."
"Maybe not," said Hootsey. "But it is an idea. What if we were to scarethe Stinkfoots back into their own territory?"
"That may be possible," said Ozma. "It looked to me like they had noproblem of overpopulation. It was really just their desire to grow morestinkweeds, and their incapability to do so in their soil."
"That's right!" said Lisa. "But no soil can go indefinitely growing thesame crop. Anyone who lives in the forest knows that! And even theMunchkin farmers rotate their crops to keep their soil in balance."
"Rotate it?" scoffed the Sniffer President. "You mean like a phonographrecord on a turntable?"
"No," replied Lisa. "I mean that if, say, a farmer plants carrots in hisfields this year, he will plant something totally different next year.This way, the nutrients in the soil stay in balance and can be used toraise more carrots some other year. It's really very simple. It's kindof like replenishing with one crop what was diminutized by another."
"So you think that, if the Stinkfoots were to grow carrots instead ofstinkweeds for a year, they could go back to stinkweeds next year?" saidthe President uncertainly.
"I'd say more than likely," agreed Lisa.
"But," put in Hootsey, "the Stinkfoots can't live without theirstinkweed. Or they refuse to, in any event"
"Maybe we have a solution," grinned Ozma.
"But we don't," said Hootsey. "They will refuse to give up theirstinkweeds. You know it's true."
"Not if they can have them," said Ozma. "Listen, President Schnozzle.What would you think of letting the Stinkfoots use your land to growtheir food here this year, while the Sniffer farmers use the StinkfootNation to grow anything that they want to eat? You can simply switchterritories every year, and the rotation of crops will keep both of yoursoils fertile."
The Sniffer President sat down in a wooden chair. He was obviously deepin thought. "You know," he said after a time, "I think you havesomething there. If we can only state this plan to the Stinkfoots, I'msure it would work. I am beginning to recall that even our own farmershave spoken about this rotation of crops on at least one occasion. AndI'd bet that the stinkweeds would have made the soil over there idealfor our dietary staples!"
"More than likely!" said Lisa wisely.
"This is all very nice," said Elephant. "But how are we to propose thisidea to a people who is as unwilling to listen as a deaf tree-stump?"
"We have got to gain an audience with President McIdiot--I mean,President McFoot. I suppose it does me no good to make fun of hisfoolishness."
"Not foolishness," said Nibbles. "Just lack of education. I didn't knowuntil you guys just said so that rotation of crops was a good idea. Mr.McFoot just doesn't know about farming. He may be a very very wise manin a lot of other subjects."
"I think you're right," agreed President Schnozzle. "And I am sorry thatI reacted so harshly to his actions, which I can now see that he did outof true concern and love for his subjects."
"In any situation," said Lisa, "it is always best to act, rather than tore-act. It makes you look a lot brighter."
"I wholeheartedly agree," said Elephant. "However, we still have tofigure out a way to get McFoot into a position to speak to us."
"Yes," said Ozma, "that is true. If only we could lure him into aneutral place with a strong downwind, then we could ..."
The little Queen's words were cut off as a sickening stench suddenlyblew in from the open window. A booming voice cried out, "That is thehome of Schtupidface Schnozzle! Torch the place!"
Schnozzle ran to the window and saw President McFoot in his militaryregalia, and he was backed up by several dozen Stinkfoots carryingtorches.
"Oh, no!" moaned the Sniffer President. "We are too late!"
The entire party hurried out the door, but were too late to stop theoffensive army from setting fire to the home of President Schnozzle.
"My home!" cried he. "My books! My teddy bear! My original Rembrandt!"
"Halt!" cried Ozma. "I am your Queen!"
"It's that silly little girl I told you about, Master," said a Stinkfootthat Ozma recognized as the man who had answered the door. "Ignore thelittle scamp and let's get on with our revolution!"
"Wait a minute!" shuddered President McFoot. "I have seen pictures ofthe Queen of Oz in the newspapers. The place no longer is run by thatScarecrow man. I think this child is telling the truth!"
The Stinkfoot soldiers suddenly stood at attention and saluted Ozma.
"Your Majesty," spoke the Stinkfoot President, "I am sorry to inform youthat there is a war on. We have need of something t
hat these Sniffersare not allowing us to have. Our survival depends on theirannihilation."
"No," spoke Ozma. "It does not. My dear friends from the LunechienForest have determined the problems with your crops, and we have come toa solution." She quickly outlined the plan to rotate crops andterritory.
"But the silly Sniff-heads have such a modest capitol building," sniffedPresident McFoot. "I would not want to live in that little old shack,not even for a day!"
"In case you've forgotten," said Elephant, "your troops have just burnedup that little shack. I suggest that you put them to work rebuilding itin such a way that it will be pleasing to you both."
"If I go along with this idea," said the Stinkfoot leader, "willSchnozface do the same?"
"I have already agreed to it," said President Schnozzle. "Though I mustadd that the whole place be fumigated before we trade back. If you don'tbind, I'mb starting to feel a little queasy."
With the situation settled, Ozma felt very pleased that there had beenno war. Still, there was the other matter to contend with. There maystill have to be a war to defeat the Forest Monster that was terrorizingthe Lunechien Forest. Of course, Ozma would have preferred that it besettled as well as this situation had been, but this Monster wasobviously not going to be ready to listen to reason for at least ajillion years. By that time, there may be no one left in Oz to stop him.