“Cole . . . remember the day you did your spelling test, how Mom was getting a test that same day?”
Cole pulled up one leg and hugged it. He cocked his head. “Oh yeah. I forgot about that. The test wasn’t for Mom; it was for baby Sarah, right?”
“Mmm-hmm.” Landon’s heart was tripping along at double speed. He ran his tongue over his lower lip. “Anyway . . . well, the test didn’t turn out so good.”
A curious look came over Cole. He lowered his leg and turned so he could see Landon better. “What d’ya mean?”
If there was a way around what needed to be said, Landon would’ve found it. Instead he took a long breath. Then, very slowly, he released it. “Baby Sarah is sick. Really sick.”
Cole stood, his arms limp at his sides. “But she isn’t even born yet.” He blinked twice. “How can she be sick?”
This was the hardest part. Landon raked his fingers through his hair. “She’s not sick like we get sick, with a cold or a sore throat. Inside Mom, her head didn’t grow right. It’s a bad problem.” He looked deep into Cole’s eyes. “We found out that she isn’t going to live very long.”
Death was something Cole understood. He’d watched his grandma get sick and die from cancer, and now his big blue eyes pooled with tears. “How long?”
“Maybe only a few hours or a day or two.”
“You mean . . .” His lip and chin quivered, and he rubbed his eyes. He was trying to stay tough, but it wasn’t working. “You mean, she’s going to die right after she’s born?”
“Yes.” Landon ached to pull Cole into his arms, but he wanted to make sure his son understood first. “Her life will be very, very short.”
“So . . .” A tear slid onto his cheek, and he wiped it with his fist. The move left a smudge of dirt beneath his eye. “She won’t get to walk or talk or . . . or go to kindergarten?”
“No, buddy.”
“That isn’t fair.” Anger flashed in Cole’s eyes, and it was clear he was fighting with everything he had not to break down completely. “Every baby should have the chance to grow up. Plus, God could make her better, right?”
There it was, the question Landon had been dreading. “Yes. God could do that, but so far He hasn’t. And, well—” tears stung at his own eyes—“the doctor wants us to be ready because it looks like Sarah will die very soon.”
Something changed in Cole’s face, and his uncertainty and anger were replaced with fear and then a sudden, intense rage. “No, Dad! No! She can’t die!” He spun around and ran to the edge of the water. A big rock sat there, and he dropped down on it and covered his face. “No! It’s my fault!”
Landon had expected Cole to struggle with the news. But those last muffled words lifted him from the cooler and sent him hurrying down the embankment. “Cole . . . come here.”
He shook his head hard. “I did this; it’s all my fault!”
“That’s the craziest thing you’ve ever said. Come on.” Landon walked closer and stood in front of his son. He placed his hands on the boy’s shoulders. “Look at me, Cole.”
When Cole moved his hands, his fear and grief were almost more than Landon could take. Sobs came over Cole and shook his shoulders. “I . . . I was supposed to pray for the test, remember?”
Suddenly Landon had an idea where Cole was headed with this.
Before he could say anything, Cole was on his feet, wide, fearful eyes trained straight at his own. “I was supposed to pray. We made a deal. You and Mom pray for my spelling test, and I’d pray for her test. Only I didn’t pray, Dad. I forgot. So it’s my fault.”
Landon pulled Cole close and held him. “Never would God work that way. Never ever.”
Cole was sobbing too hard to say anything.
“Remember our talk on the way here?” Landon kept his hands on Cole’s shoulders and took a step back. He waited until the boy looked at him. “Remember I told you that God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way we want?”
“Yeah, but . . . I told you I’d pray.”
“We were praying. Mom and I were praying the whole time, ever since we found out she was pregnant.”
Amazement came over Cole. In another switch of emotions, he seemed to let go of the possibility that Sarah was sick because of something he’d done, and he caught on to something even more difficult. “You were praying . . . and it didn’t work?”
Landon lowered himself to Cole’s level and looked straight into his eyes. “It did work, Cole. Baby Sarah could’ve died a long time ago. Even before we knew who she was.” He wasn’t sure where the words were coming from, but he didn’t stop to think about it. “Instead look at all the fun we’ve had singing to her and feeling her kick and move in Mom’s stomach.”
“But you asked God to make her healthy.” Cole’s expression was softer, wounded. “You didn’t just want her healthy for a little while.”
“No, but think about this. Every single person will die one day. Every one of us. Me and Mom and even you. Living here—” Landon waved toward the shore and the lake and the homes beyond it—“it’s just for a little while, Cole. For all of us.” He brushed his knuckles against his son’s cheeks. “Our home is in heaven, where we’ll all be together forever.”
For the first time since Cole understood about Sarah, a sense of peace seemed to come over him and mix with his sadness and fear. “Where Grandma Baxter lives?”
“Right.”
“So Sarah’s going to live—”Cole angled his head, like he was putting the pieces together—“but she’ll just live in heaven.”
“Exactly.”
Cole nodded. He was quiet for a while, staring out at the lake. When he spoke again, there were tears in his voice once more. “I’ll miss that little sister.”
“I’ll miss her too.”
They held on to each other again for a long, long time. And as the minutes passed, Landon realized that something remarkable had happened. He hadn’t known how to explain the situation to Cole, how to reason that even after praying for Sarah’s health, she was going to die anyway. But instead of confusing Cole, the boy had understood it better than he or Ashley. If that wasn’t proof of God’s mercy and grace, nothing was. Because their little girl was indeed going to live. She’d live and run and talk and sing in heaven, where she’d wait with Grandma Baxter until they could all be together.
Now they only had to figure out how to say good-bye until then.
Before they left, Cole walked over to the chain and bent down near his big fish. He fiddled with the clasp that secured the bass to the chain, and with a sudden burst, the bass swam away. Cole stood and watched him go. A sad smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.
“Buddy . . .” Landon went to him, his voice gentle. “What’d you do?”
Cole turned. “I let him go.”
“How come?” None of them much liked the taste of bass, but the fish truly was the biggest catch of the season. Normally Cole would’ve been bursting at the seams waiting to show Ashley his prize.
The innocence in Cole’s expression was as sweet and simple as his faith. He shrugged, his eyes glistening. “I didn’t want him to die.”
With that, Landon nodded and patted Cole’s shoulder. They packed up their gear in solemn silence, thoughts of life and death heavy on their minds. And of heaven, too.
Because of that, somehow they would survive the loss of little Sarah.
Even if it took all their faith to do it.
The familiar tension was there between Katy and Dayne as they walked from the SUV to the Baxter picnic spot on Lake Monroe. Katy had explained to the director how important the Fourth of July was to Dayne’s family and how badly they needed the break. The man agreed. Katy had agreed to work on his next film, and he would pretty much do whatever she asked to keep her involved.
Katy had hoped the time away would ease the strain, but they’d been home since Sunday afternoon, and so far it had netted nothing but a lot of silence.
Dayne shaded his eyes so he could
see down the bank. “Ashley’s here.”
“Good.” Katy hoped to see her sister-in-law. Everyone in the family knew the bad news by now, but Katy hadn’t talked to her yet. She wasn’t sure what to say when she did, but she didn’t want to miss the chance to spend time with her. Especially when she and Dayne needed to be back on the set by tomorrow afternoon.
They trudged a little farther down the hill, and Dayne stopped and faced her. He had a bag of food in his arms and a couple of collapsible chairs slung over his back. “I know things aren’t great right now.” He looked like he might take her into his arms, but he held back. “I wish I could blink and everything would be okay.” His struggle was obvious in his features. He nodded toward where the rest of his family was already set up and starting the day. “But for their sake, let’s fake it today. Okay?”
His request cut her deep. Wouldn’t it have been just as easy for him to tell her maybe this was the time to start over? to take her in his arms and kiss her and beg her to give their marriage a fresh start?
Katy stared at her husband. “Fine.” Anger steeled her heart and made her feel cold even with the warm breeze off the water. “I’m getting pretty good at that act.”
“Katy . . .”
She started down the hill and threw a forced smile back in his direction. “Come on, Dayne. We wouldn’t want anyone to think we’re fighting.”
He made an exaggerated sigh and caught up to her. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just . . . they have enough to worry about.”
“Whatever.”
Dayne was starting to say something else when John Baxter turned and waved them over to his table. “Over here, guys. . . . There’s lots of room.”
Katy smiled and approached him. “Hi!” She leaned in and kissed John’s cheek. “Looks like everyone’s here.”
Dayne hugged his father and set his bag of food on the table. He looked out over the lake. “I’ve missed this.”
“You two need a break.” John studied Dayne, then Katy. “How are you . . . really?”
For a moment, Katy’s facade almost cracked. She wanted to collapse there on the picnic bench and admit that things were terrible. Rumor on the set was that Randi was calling Dayne every day, anxious to work with him on another film and needing his friendship while she tried to survive being a single mom. Gossip was flying across the set and in all the tabloids, and the only time she felt connected to Dayne was during their scenes together—which still hadn’t even involved so much as a kiss. But Dayne’s request echoed in her heart, and she lifted her chin. “It’s good to get away.”
“Yes.” Dayne looked relieved, and he seemed to send her a silent thank-you. “The set’s a little hectic right now.”
“How’s it going with the reality show?”
Katy almost laughed, but she realized John honestly didn’t know. The show wasn’t running until after the first of the year, and for now the only way a person would know how bad life on the set had gotten was by reading the tabloids. John Baxter probably hadn’t done that in all his life.
“It’s not like we thought.” Dayne sat on the table next to his father and rested his feet on the bench. They were both facing the water. “They want more than what they’re getting during the shoot.” He frowned. “They’re always looking for a conflict.”
Katy unpacked the bag of food, her attention completely on John and Dayne’s conversation.
John was quiet for a few seconds. Then he turned to Dayne. “I saw a few of the magazine covers at the market.” His look held a gentle warning. “I know you love Katy, Son . . . but be careful.”
Katy wanted to second the motion. Didn’t Dayne see what a woman like Randi Wells could do to their marriage? She was forcing herself on Dayne, and he was too nice to see it. How could he talk to her every day, and how come he hadn’t told Katy about the phone calls? She was hearing about them from the other actors and even the assistant director. “Oh,” someone would say, “Dayne’s on the phone with Randi Wells again.”
But never, not once, had the news come from her husband. So what was Katy supposed to believe? If something wasn’t starting up between them, then what did he have to hide? He had to know how she was feeling about Randi, how it was easy to believe the tabloids were right when they said Dayne was contemplating an affair.
Katy took the spot next to Dayne just as Kari and Luke headed up the hill toward them. That’s when Katy noticed Ashley and Landon. Their picnic was set up with their boys quite a ways from the rest of the Baxter family.
Dayne must’ve noticed it at the same time. “How’s Ashley?”
“Keeping to herself.” John looked more upset than he’d admitted so far. “There’s a struggle between her and Brooke. They’re keeping their distance.”
Kari and Luke reached them and said their hellos, joining the others at the table, their conversations quiet and ripe with discouragement. Ashley and Brooke weren’t talking, and Kari was feeling guilty about her healthy baby in light of all Ashley and Landon faced with their little girl.
At some point, Katy forced herself to tune out. The heartache around her was more than she could bear, more than she could process. She directed her thoughts to the complications the future might hold when she starred in another movie. Dayne would be busy filming with Randi, so it couldn’t possibly matter. No sense in her staying home in the big lake house by herself, waiting to get the latest news about her husband from the tabloids.
Katy let herself get lost in the blue of the lake and the sky beyond it. Wasn’t it only yesterday when everything felt right? when Ashley and Landon were two of the happiest people she’d ever met, and John didn’t look scathed by any sort of worry? It felt like moments since Dayne had brought her to this same picnic last year, her new engagement ring shining in the sun.
Nothing could go so bad so fast and still be real. She breathed in slow through her nose. There was only one answer for how things were now. Maybe none of it had been real in the first place. Maybe the Baxters were like any other family, putting on a good front and trying to present a unified image when in fact their conflicts ran just as deep as anyone else’s. And as for Dayne . . . maybe the only happy endings in his world didn’t happen in real life but in the movies.
Where faking happiness wasn’t only expected—it was applauded.
Kari was grateful Ashley had showed up at the picnic, but even so, the situation was dire for all of them.
Kari had called her last night and begged her to come. “You’ll feel better if you get out.” She tried to keep her tone light. “Besides, you can’t miss the Baxter family picnic. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”
“Brooke’ll be there,” Ashley said. “She’s probably hoping for a way to tell me she told me so.”
“Ashley!” Kari couldn’t believe such a mean thing had come from her sister. “You don’t believe that.”
Ashley had hesitated. “No—” she released what sounded like a frustrated breath—“but it feels like that. She tried to tell me a dozen times, and I wouldn’t listen. Now she’s right and I’m wrong.”
“What would it have mattered?” Kari hated the conflict in her family. If God would use her as a peacemaker, she was more than willing. “Even if you’d believed her, you wouldn’t have had an abortion. And you would’ve lost those months where everything seemed wonderful.”
“True. But she’s still right. And I hate that, Kari. I just hate it. I wanted God to heal this baby so badly.” Her voice broke. “Whatever happened to God being bigger than medical technology? bigger than a diagnosis?”
Kari had wanted to tell her sister that God was infinitely bigger, no matter how their situation played out. But this wasn’t the time. She let a few seconds pass. “Just come tomorrow. Please, Ash. We all want you there.”
Ashley made no promises, but she and Landon and the boys had shown up anyway. Kari figured their presence had more to do with Landon than last night’s phone call. But either way, they were here. Now if she c
ould just get her sisters to talk.
Before Ashley’s arrival, Kari had joined Brooke at a table on the far side of their picnic area. “Hey . . . can I sit here?”
“Sure.” Brooke’s tone and expression were aloof, but they did little to hide her pain. She wasn’t the most emotional of the Baxter sisters, but when she was feeling something, she’d never been able to hide it. Today was no exception. She kept her attention on Maddie and Hayley, both in life jackets and splashing at the water’s edge. “I wish Erin were here.”
“Me too.” Kari didn’t want to rush into a conversation about Ashley. Brooke needed to know that Kari was interested in her and not just in a peace treaty. “I talked to her yesterday.” She’d made the call right after talking to Ashley. Sometimes she wondered if God hadn’t planned for her to be the one keeping all of them together, the sister who refused to be too busy to call and keep everyone in touch.
Brooke looked at her. “Is she coming out in August?”
“Yes. She wants to be here when Ashley’s baby is born. She has tickets for the weekend before.”
A smile softened Brooke’s eyes. She touched Kari’s blossoming stomach. “By then this little one might be here.”
“I can’t wait.” She stretched her back and moaned. “This little one’s riding right up between my ribs. Sometimes I can barely catch a breath.”
“That’s how Maddie was.” Brooke laughed. “Feels like a lifetime ago.”
Kari looked down the beach at the girls. Cole was racing Maddie along the sand, and right then the two of them stopped and joined Jessie and Hayley a little ways up on the grass. The cousins were getting along well today—a relief in light of the other struggles in play. She focused on Brooke’s youngest. “I still can’t believe how well Hayley’s doing.”
“Me either.” Brooke’s eyes narrowed. “I’m tempted to think she’ll always struggle with learning, but I can’t even say that. She shouldn’t be here, and she certainly shouldn’t be walking and talking and playing with her cousin. There are no can’ts with that little girl. Only God knows how far she’ll go from here.”