This alarm’d me indeed, and the more, because Amy wrote me word, that his Gentleman was gone away Express to him, not without Apprehensions, that he shou’d find his Master was dead, before his coming home; but that he [the Gentleman] had promis’d her, that as soon as he arriv’d, he wou’d send back the same Courier to her, with an Account of his Master’s Health, and of the main Affair; and that he had oblig’d Amy to stay at Paris fourteen Days for his Return; she having promis’d him before, to make it her Business to go to England, and to find me out for his Lord, if he sent her such Orders; and he was to send her a Bill for fifty Pistoles, for her Journey: So Amy told me she waited for the Answer.
This was a Blow to me several Ways; for first, I was in a State of Uncertainty as to his Person, whether he was alive or dead; and I was not unconcern’d in that Part, I assure you; for I had an inexpressible Affection remaining for his Person, besides the Degree to which it was reviv’d by the View of a firmer Interest in him; but this was not all; for in losing him, I for-ever lost the Prospect of all the Gayety and Glory, that had made such an Impression upon my Imagination.
In this State of Uncertainty, I say, by Amy’s Letter, I was like still, to remain another Fortnight; and had I now continued the Resolution of using my Merchant in the rude Manner I once intended, I had made, perhaps, a sorry Piece of Work of it indeed, and it was very well my Heart fail’d me, as it did.
However, I treated him with a great-many Shuffles,258 and feign’d Stories, to keep him off from any closer Conferences than we had already had, that I might act afterwards as Occasion might offer, one way or another: But that which mortified me most, was, that Amy did not write, tho’ the fourteen Days was expir’d; at last, to my great Surprize, when I was, with the utmost Impatience, looking out at the Window, expecting the Postman, that usually brought the Foreign Letters; I say, I was agreeably surpriz’d to see a Coach come to the Yard-Gate where we liv’d, and my Woman, Amy, alight out of it, and come towards the Door, having the Coachman bringing several Bundles after her.
I flew like Lightning down-stairs, to speak to her; but was soon damp’d with her News: Is the Prince alive or dead, Amy? says I: She spoke coldly, and slightly: He is alive, Madam, said she, but it is not much Matter, I had as-lief he had been dead; so we went up-stairs again to my Chamber, and there we began a serious Discourse of the whole Matter.
First, she told me a long Story of his being hurt by a Wild-Boar; and of the Condition he was reduc’d to, so that every-one expected he shou’d die, the Anguish of the Wound having thrown him into a Fever; with abundance of Circumstances, too long to relate here; how he recover’d of that extreme Danger, but continued very weak; how the Gentleman had been Homme de Parole, and had sent back the Courier, as punctually, as if it had been to the KING; that he had given a long Account of his Lord, and of his Illness, and Recovery; but the sum of the Matter, as to me, was, That as to the Lady, his Lord was turn’d Penitent; was under some Vows for his Recovery, and cou’d not think any-more on that Affair; and especially, the Lady being gone, and that it had not been offer’d to her, so there was no Breach of Honour; but that his Lord was sensible of the good Offices of Mrs. Amy, and had sent her the fifty Pistoles for her Trouble, as if she had really gone the Journey.
I was, I confess, hardly able to bear the first Surprize of this Disappointment; Amy, saw it, and gapes out (as was her way) Law’d Madam! never be concern’d at it; you see he is gotten among the Priests; and I suppose, they have saucily impos’d some Pennance upon him; and, it may-be, sent him of an Errand barefoot, to some Madonna or Nosterdame or other; and he is off of his Amours for the present; I’ll warrant you, he’ll be as wicked again as ever he was, when he is got thorow-well, and gets but out of their Hands again: I hate this out-o’-Season Repentance; what Occasion had he, in his Repentance, to be off of taking a good Wife? I shou’d have been glad to see you have been a Princess, and all that; but if it can’t be, never afflict yourself; you are rich enough to be a Princess to yourself; you don’t want him, that’s the best of it.
Well, I cry’d for-all that, and was heartily vex’d, and that a great-while; but as Amy was always at my Elbow, and always jogging it out of my Head, with her Mirth, and her Wit, it wore off again.
Then I told Amy all the Story of my Merchant, and how he had found me out, when I was in such a Concern to find him; how it was true, that he lodg’d in St. Lawrence Pountney’s-Lane; and how I had had all the Story of his Misfortune, which she had heard of, in which he had lost above 8000 l. Sterling; and that he had told me frankly of it, before she had sent me any Account of it, or, at least, before I had taken any Notice that I had heard of it.
Amy was very joyful at that Part; Well, Madam, then, says Amy, what need you value the Story of the Prince? and going I know not whether into Germany, to lay your Bones in another World, and learn the Devil’s Language, call’d HIGH-DUTCH?259 You are better here, by-half,260 says Amy: Law’d Madam, says she, why are not you as rich as Crassus?261
Well, it was a great-while still, before I cou’d bring myself off of this fancy’d Sovereignty; and I that was so willing once to be Mistress to a KING, was now ten thousand times more fond of being Wife to a Prince.
So fast a hold has Pride and Ambition262 upon our Minds, that when once it gets Admission, nothing is so chimerical, but under this Possession we can form Ideas of, in our Fancy, and realize to our Imagination:263 Nothing can be so ridiculous as the simple Steps we take in such Cases; a Man or a Woman becomes a meer Malade Imaginaire,264 and I believe, may as easily die with Grief, or run-mad with Joy, (as the Affair in his Fancy appears right or wrong) as if all was real, and actually under the Management of the Person.
I had indeed, two Assistants to deliver me from this Snare, and these were, first, Amy, who knew my Disease, but was able to do nothing as to the Remedy; the second, the Merchant, who really brought the Remedy, but knew nothing of the Distemper.
I remember, when all these Disorders were upon my Thoughts, in one of the Visits my Friend the Merchant made me he took Notice, that he perceiv’d I was under some unusual Disorder; he believ’d, he said, that my Distemper, whatever it was, lay much in my Head, and it being Summer-Weather, and very hot,265 propos’d to me to go a little-way into the Air.
I started at his Expression; what says I, do you think then, that I am craz’d? you shou’d then propose a MadHouse for my Cure: No, no, says he, I do not mean anything like that, I hope the Head may be distemper’d, and not the Brain:266 Well, I was too sensible that he was right, for I knew I had acted a strange wild kind of Part with him; but he insisted upon it, and press’d me to go into the Country: I took him short again, What need you, says I, send me out of your Way? It is in your Power to be less troubled with me, and with less Inconvenience to us both.
He took that ill, and told me I us’d to have a better Opinion of his Sincerity; and desir’d to know what he had done to forfeit my Charity: I mention this, only to let you see how far I had gone in my Measures of quitting him, that is to say, how near I was of shewing him how base, ungrateful, and how vilely I cou’d act: But I found I had carried the Jest far enough, and that a little Matter might have made him sick of me again, as he was before; so I began, by little and little, to change my way of talking to him, and to come to Discourse to the Purpose again, as we had done before.
A while after this, when we were very merry, and talking familiarly together, he call’d me with an Air of particular Satisfaction, his Princess; I colour’d at the Word, for it indeed touch’d me to the quick; but he knew nothing of the Reason of my being touch’d with it: What d’ye mean by that, said I? Nay, says he, I mean nothing, but that you are a Princess to me: Well, says I, as to that, I am content; and yet I cou’d tell you, I might have been a Princess if I wou’d have quitted you, and believe I cou’d be so still: It is not in my Power to make you a Princess, says he, but I can easily make you a Lady, here in England, and a Countess too, if you will go out of it.
I heard bot
h with a great-deal of Satisfaction, for my Pride remain’d, tho’ it had been baulk’d, and I thought with myself, that this Proposal wou’d make me some Amends for the Loss of the Title that had so tickl’d my Imagination another-way; and I was impatient to understand what he meant; but I wou’d not ask him by anymeans; so it pass’d off for that time.
When he was gone, I told Amy what he had said, and Amy was as impatient to know the Manner, how it cou’d be, as I was; but the next time, (perfectly unexpected to me) he told me, that he had accidentally mention’d a thing to me, last time he was with me, having not the least Thought of the thing itself; but not knowing but such a thing might be of some Weight to me, and that it might bring us Respect among People where I might appear, he had thought since of it, and was resolv’d to ask me about it.
I made light of it, and told him, that as he knew I had chosen a retir’d Life, it was of no Value to me to be call’d LADY, or COUNTESS either; but that if he intended to drag me, as I might call it, into the World again, perhaps it might be agreeable to him; but, besides that, I cou’d not judge of the thing, because I did not understand how either of them was to be done.
He told me, that Money purchas’d Titles of Honour in almost all Parts of the World; tho’ Money cou’d not give Principles of Honour, they must come by Birth and Blood; that however, Titles sometimes assist to elevate the Soul, and to infuse generous Principles into the Mind, and especially, where there was a good Foundation laid in the Persons; that he hop’d we shou’d neither of us misbehave, if we came to it; and that as we knew how to wear a Title without undue Elevations, so it might sit as well upon us, as on another; that as to England, he had nothing to do, but to get an Act of Naturalization in his Favour, and he knew where to purchase a Patent for BARONET,267 that is to say, to have the Honour and Title transferr’d to him; but if I intended to go Abroad with him, he had a Nephew, the Son of his Elder Brother, who had the Title of COUNT, with the Estate annex’d,268 which was but small; and that he had frequently offer’d to make it over to him for a thousand Pistoles, which was not a great-deal of Money; and considering it was in the Family already, he wou’d, upon my being willing, purchase it immediately.
I told him, I lik’d the last best; but then, I wou’d not let him buy it, unless he wou’d let me pay the thousand Pistoles: No, No, says he, I refus’d a thousand Pistoles that I had more Right to have accepted, than that, and you shall not be at so much Expence now: Yes, says I, you did refuse it, and perhaps, repented it afterwards: I never complain’d, says he; but I did, says I, and often repented it for you: I do not understand you, says he: Why, says I, I repented that I suffer’d you to refuse it: Well, well, said he, we may talk of that hereafter, when you shall resolve which Part of the World you will make your settl’d Residence in: Here he talk’d very handsomely to me, and for a good-while together; how it had been his Lot to live all his Days out of his Native Country, and to be often shifting and changing the Situation of his Affairs; and that I myself had not always had a fix’d Abode; but that now, as neither of us was very Young, he fancy’d I wou’d be for taking-up our Abode, where, if possible, we might remove no more; that as to his Part, he was of that Opinion entirely, only with this Exception, that the Choice of the Place shou’d be mine; for, that all Places in the World were alike to him; only with this single Addition, namely, that I was with him.
I heard him with a great-deal of Pleasure, as well for his being willing to give me the Choice, as for that I resolv’d to live Abroad, for the Reason I have mention’d already, namely, lest I shou’d at any-time be known in England, and all that Story of Roxana, and the Balls, shou’d come out; as also I was not a little tickl’d with the Satisfaction of being still a Countess, tho’ I cou’d not be a Princess.
I told Amy all this Story, for she was still my Privy-Counsellor; but when I ask’d her Opinion, she made me laugh heartily: Now, which of the two shall I take, Amy? said I; shall I be a Lady, that is, a Baronet’s Lady in England, or a Countess in Holland? the ready-witted Jade, that knew the Pride of my Temper too, almost as well as did myself, answer’d (without the least Hesitation) both Madam; which of them! says she, (repeating the Words) why not both of them? and then you will be really a Princess; for sure, to be a Lady in English, and a Countess in Dutch, may make a Princess in High-Dutch: Upon the whole, tho’ Amy was in jest, she put the Thought into my Head, and I resolv’d, that, in short, I wou’d be both of them; which I manag’d as you shall hear.
First, I seem’d to resolve that I wou’d live and settle in England, only with this Condition, namely, that I wou’d not live in London; I pretended that it wou’d choak me up; that I wanted Breath when I was in London; but that any-where else I wou’d be satisfied; and then I ask’d him, whether any Sea-Port Town in England wou’d not suit him? because I knew, tho’ he seem’d to leave off, he wou’d always love to be among Business, and conversing with Men of Business; and I nam’d several Places, either nearest for Business with France, or with Holland; as Dover, or Southampton for the first; and I pswich, or Yarmouth, or Hull, for the last; but I took care that we wou’d resolve upon nothing; only by this it seem’d to be certain, that we shou’d live in England.
It was time now, to bring things to a Conclusion, and so in about six Weeks time more, we settl’d all our Preliminaries; and among the rest, he let me know, that he shou’d have the Bill for his Naturalization pass’d time enough; so that he wou’d be, (as he call’d it) an Englishman, before we marry’d: That was soon perfected, the Parliament being then sitting, and several other Foreigners joining in the said Bill, to save the Expence.
It was not above three or four Days after, but that, without giving me the least Notice that he had so much as been about the Patent for Baronet, he brought it me in a fine embroider’d Bag; and saluting me by the Name of my Lady — (joining his own Sirname to it) presented it to me, with his Picture set with Diamonds; and at the same time, gave me a Breast-Jewel worth a thousand Pistoles, and the next Morning we were marry’d: Thus I put an End to all the intrieguing Part of my Life; a Life full of prosperous Wickedness; the Reflections upon which, were so much the more afflicting, as the time had been spent in the grossest Crimes, which the more I look’d-back upon, the more black and horrid they appear’d, effectually drinking up all the Comfort and Satisfaction which I might otherwise have taken in that Part of Life which was still before me.
The first Satisfaction, however, that I took in the new Condition I was in, was in reflecting, that at length the Life of Crime was over; and that I was like a Passenger coming back from the Indies,269 who having, after many Years Fatigues and Hurry in Business, gotten a good Estate, with innumerable Difficulties and Hazards, is arriv’d safe at London with all his Effects, and has the Pleasure of saying, he shall never venture upon the Seas any-more.
When we were marry’d, we came back immediately to my Lodgings, (for the Church was but just-by) and we were so privately marry’d, that none but Amy and my Friend the QUAKER, was acquainted with it: As soon as we came into the House, he took me in his Arms, and kissing me, Now you are my Own, says he; O! that you had been so good to have done this eleven Years ago: Then, said I, you perhaps, wou’d have been tir’d of me long ago; ’tis much better now, for now all our happy Days are to come; besides, said I, I should not have been half so rich; but that I said to myself, for there was no letting him into the Reason of it: O! says he, I shou’d not [have] been tir’d of you; but besides having the Satisfaction of your Company, it had sav’d me that unlucky Blow at Paris, which was a dead Loss to me, of above 8000 Pistoles, and all the Fatigues of so many Years Hurry and Business; and then he added, but I’ll make you pay for it all, now I have you: I started a little at the Words: Ay, said I, do you threaten already? Pray what d’ye mean by that? and began to look a little grave.
I’ll tell you, says he, very plainly what I mean, and still he held me fast in his Arms; I intend from this time, never to trouble myself with any-more Business; so I shall never get o
ne Shilling for you, more than I have already; all that you will lose one way;270 next, I intend not to trouble myself with any of the Care or Trouble of managing what either you have for me, or what I have to add to it; but you shall e’en take it all upon yourself, as the Wives do in Holland,271 so you will pay for it that way too; for all the Drudgery shall be yours; thirdly, I intend to condemn you to the constant Bondage of my impertinent Company, for I shall tie you like a Pedlar’s Pack, at my Back, I shall scarce ever be from you; for, I am sure, I can take Delight in nothing else in this World: Very well, says I, but I am pretty heavy, I hope you’ll set me down sometimes, when you are a-weary; as for that, says he, tire me if you can.
This was all Jest and Allegory; but it was all true, in the Moral of the Fable, as you shall hear in its Place: We were very merry the rest of the Day, but without any Noise, or Clutter; for he brought not one of his Acquaintance, or Friends, either English, or Foreigner: The honest QUAKER provided us a very noble Dinner indeed, considering how few we were to eat it; and every Day that Week she did the like, and wou’d, at last, have it be all at her own Charge, which I was utterly adverse to; first, because I knew her Circumstances not to be very great, tho’ not very low; and next, because she had been so true a Friend, and so chearful a Comforter to me, ay, and Counsellor too, in all this Affair, that I had resolv’d to make her a Present, that shou’d be some Help to her when all was over.
But to return to the Circumstances of our Wedding; after being very merry, as I have told you, Amy and the QUAKER, put us to-Bed, the honest QUAKER little-thinking we had been a-Bed together eleven Years before; nay, that was a Secret which, as it happen’d, Amy herself did not know: Amy grinn’d, and made Faces, as if she had been pleas’d; but it came out in so many Words, when he was not by, the Sum of her mumbling and muttering was, that this shou’d have been done ten or a dozen Years before; that it wou’d signifie little now; that was to say, in short, that her Mistress was pretty near Fifty, and too old to have any Children; I chid her; the QUAKER laugh’d; complimented me upon my not being so old as Amy pretended; that I cou’d not be above Forty, and might have a House-full of Children yet; but Amy and I too, knew better than she, how it was; for, in short, I was old enough to have done breeding, however I look’d; but I made her hold her Tongue.