CHAPTER XVIII
The light was gray when Tamara awoke, though the lamp stillburned--more than three parts of the window was darkened by snow--onlya peep of daylight flickered in at the top.
Where was she! What had happened? Something ghastly--but what?
Then she perceived her torn blouse, and with a terrible pangremembrance came back to her.
She started up, and as she did so realized she was only in herstockinged feet.
For a moment she staggered a little and then fell back on the couch.
The awful certainty--or so it seemed to her--of what had occurred cameupon her, Gritzko had won--she was utterly disgraced.
The whole training of her youth thundered at her. Of all sins, none hadbeen thought so great as this which had happened to her.
She was an outcast. She was no better than poor Mary Gibson whom AuntClara had with harshness turned from her house.
She--a lady!--a proud English lady! She covered her face with herhands. What had her anguish of mind been before, when compared withthis! She had suffered hurt to her pride the day after he had kissedher, but now that seemed as nothing balanced with such hideous disgrace.
She moaned and rocked herself to and fro. Wild thoughts came--where wasthe pistol? She would end her life.
She looked everywhere, but it was gone.
Presently she crouched down in a corner like a cowed dog, too utterlyovercome with shame and despair to move.
And there she still was when Gritzko entered the room.
She looked up at him piteously, and with unconscious instinct tried topull together her torn blouse.
In a flash he saw what she thought, and one of those strange shades inhis character made him come to a resolve. Not until she should liewillingly in his arms--herself given by love--should he tell her herbelief was false.
He advanced up the room with a grave quiet face. His expression wasinscrutable. She could read nothing from his look. Her sick imaginationtold her he was thus serene because he had won, and she covered herface with her hands, while her cheeks flamed, and she sobbed.
Her weeping hurt him--he nearly relented--but as he came near shelooked up.
No! Not in this mood would he win her! and his resolve held.
She did not make him any reproaches; she just sat there, a crumpled,pitiful figure in a corner on the floor.
"The snowstorm is over," he said in a restrained voice; "we can get onnow. Some of my Moujiks got here this morning, and I have been able tosend word to the Princess that she should not be alarmed."
Then, as Tamara did not move, he put out his hand and helped her up.She shuddered when he touched her, and her tears burst out afresh.Where was all her pride gone--it lay trampled in the dust.
"You are tired and hungry, Madame," he said, "and here is alooking-glass and a comb and brush," and he opened a door of the tallcupboard which filled the corner opposite the stove, and took thethings out for her. "Perhaps you might like to arrange yourself while Ibring you some food."
"How can I face the others,--with this blouse!" she exclaimedmiserably, and then her cheeks crimsoned again, and she looked down.
He did not make any explanation of how it had got torn--the moment wasa wonderful one between them.
Over Tamara crept some strange emotion, and he walked to the doorquickly to prevent himself from clasping her in his arms, and kissingaway her fears.
When she was alone the cunning of all Eve's daughters filled her. Aboveall things she must now use her ingenuity to efface these startlingproofs. She darted to the cupboard and searched among the things there,and eventually found a rough housewife, and chose out a needle andcoarse thread. It was better than nothing, so she hurriedly drew offthe blouse, then she saw her torn underthings--and another convulsivepang went through her--but she set to work. She knew that however shemight make even the blouse look to the casual eyes of her godmother,she could never deceive her maid. Then the thought came thatfortunately Johnson was in Petersburg, and all these things could beleft behind at Moscow. Yes, no one need ever know.
With feverish haste she cobbled up the holes, glancing nervously everyfew moments to the door in case Gritzko should come in. Then she putthe garment on again--refastened her brooch and brushed and recoiledher hair. What she saw in the small looking-glass helped to restore hernerve. Except that her eyes were red, and she was very pale, she wastidy and properly clothed.
She sat down by the table and tried to think. These outside thingscould still look right, but nothing could restore her untarnished pride.
How could she ever take her blameless place in the world again.
Once more it hurt Gritzko terribly to see the woebegone, humbled,hopeless look on her face as he came in and put some food on the table.He cut up some tempting bits and put them on her plate, while he toldher she must eat--and she obeyed mechanically. Then he poured out atumbler of champagne and made her drink it down. It revived her, andshe said she was ready to start. But as she stood he noticed that allher proud carriage of head was gone.
"My God! what should I feel like now?" he said to himself, "if it werereally true!"
He wrapped her in her furs with cold politeness, his manner had resumedthe stiffness of their yesterday's drive.
Suddenly she felt it was not possible there could be this frightfulsecret between them. It must surely be all a dreadful dream.
She began to speak, and he waited gravely for what she would say; butthe words froze on her lips when she saw the pistol in his belt--thatbrought back the reality. She shuddered convulsively and clenched herhands. He put on his furs quietly and then opened the door.
He lifted her into the troika which was waiting outside. Stepan's face,as he stood holding the reins, was as stolid as though nothing unusualhad occurred.
So they started.
"I told the messenger to tell Tantine that we were caught in the snow,"he said, "and had to take shelter at the farm.--There is a farm a verstto the right after one passes the forest. It contains a comfortablefarmer's wife and large family, and though you found it tooconfoundedly warm in their kitchen you passed a possible night.
"Very well," said Tamara with grim meekness.
Then there was silence.
Her thoughts became a little confused with the intense cold and theeffect of the champagne, and once or twice she dozed off; and when hesaw this he drew her close to him and let her sleep with her headagainst his arm, while he wrapped the furs round her so that she feltno cold. Then he kept watch over her tenderly, fondest love in hiseyes. She would wake sometimes with a start and draw herself away, butsoon fell off again, and in this fashion, neither speaking, the hourspassed and they gradually drew near Moscow.
Then she woke completely with a shudder and sat up straight, and sothey came to the hotel and found the Princess and the others anxiouslywaiting for them.
"What an unfortunate contretemps, Tamara, dear child," her godmothersaid, "that wicked storm! We only just arrived safely, and poor Olgaand your friend fared no better than you! Imagine! they, too, had totake shelter in that second village in a most horrible hovel, whichthey shared with the cows. It has been too miserable for you all four Iam afraid."
But Gritzko was obliged to turn quickly away to hide the irrepressiblesmile in his eyes--really, sometimes, fate seemed very kind.
So there was no scandal, only commiseration, and both Countess Olga andTamara were petted and spoilt--while, if there was a roguish note inValonne's sympathetic condolences, none of them appeared to notice it.
However, no petting seemed to revive Tamara.
"You have caught a thorough chill, I fear, dearest," the Princess said;and as they had missed their sleeping berths engaged for the nightbefore, and were unable to get accommodation on the train again for thenight, they were forced to remain in Moscow until the next day, so thePrincess insisted upon her godchild going immediately to bed, while therest of the party settled down to bridge.
"It is a jolly thing, a snowstor
m!" Lord Courtray said to Gritzko."Isn't it? 'Pon my soul I have never enjoyed the smell of cows and hayso much in my life!"
But upstairs in the stiff hotel bedroom Tamara sobbed herself to sleep.