“Ella?” Willow cuts through, but all I can see is that little white stick I had just peed on. I put it face down because I wanted to be ready for what it read and let it hit me all at once—when I was ready. But I would never be ready for a kid. Oh my God, I can’t even control my hair let alone a kid.
“I want you to know that whatever that thing reads, everything is going to be fine. I’ll be here for you with whatever you decide.”
I paused, swallowed past my pent-up nerves, nodded my head in thanks, and finally, flipped the white stick over.
I sucked in a breath. “Pregnant.”
“Shit,” Willow exhaled, and then her forehead fell to the palm of her hand.
My world begun to close in on me, my vision started to fuzz. “Frost, Willow.” I looked directly at her, tears slipping from my eye and rolling down my cheek. “The baby is Frost’s.”
Willow froze. “Okay about that…” She got up from her chair and started pacing around the room like I just was. Now I was the one sitting in shock and she was the one freaking out.
I almost didn’t pay any attention to her, though, because I was so engrossed in what I had just seen. I’m pregnant. Fucking—“Frost is my brother.”
I shot up from the bed, confusion written all over my face. “What!?”
Maybe I didn’t hear her properly, or maybe I was suffering from some sort of emotional breakdown and hallucinations were beginning to kick in.
She repeated. “Frost, he’s, he’s my brother. I—well, it’s a really long story.”
“I have time,” I snapped at her, she winced, which made me soften a little.
She took a seat on the chair opposite me. “How much of Frost do you know?”
“I know it all. I think.”
She nodded. “So he told you our mom and dad dumped him and all that dark stuff?”
I just glared at her, trying to ignore the numb feeling from all the information that was being pumped into my veins.
She continued. “Well, they tried to have another kid, me. Only, I turned out very similar to Frost. Not the same, not to the extent of his illness, but somewhat the same. Anyway,” she went on when she could see the level of fucks I gave was below zero, “so, my mom and dad didn’t give me away, though. They kept me.”
“How lovely for you.”
Seriously? I would drop her if she thought I’d let her look down on Frost.
She shook her head. “No, that’s not why I told you this.” I only just found out about Frost two weeks before we started here. I was always attending NYU, but I have done some research. I became obsessed with this long-lost brother I never knew…even going as far as to watch him at traffic lights. Yeah, I know, it sounds creepy.”
“Trust me. You’re not missing out on much, and that’s not creepy,” I muttered, standing from the bed and going for the little bar fridge we kept in the room. I took out a bottle of water.
“I asked to be in your room. I wanted to get to know you, to maybe get to know him through you. I—”
“—I get it,” I answered, wiping the residue of water off my lips. I know a threat when I see one, and I know Willow isn’t one. “I have three brothers who I—well, I’ve done everything for. I get it.”
“Three?” she asks, her head tilting to the side a little.
“Miles. He’s my brother too.”
“Oh! Right! The sociopath.”
“Hmm,” I gave her a curt smile and then sat back on the bed. She had no idea about Miles, and I’m not about to delve into that with anyone, much less her.
“Well, I guess you’re going to be an auntie.”
Her face paled. “I guess.” Then she really looked at me. “Do you think he knows about me being here?”
“Yes.” I gave her a sad smile. “I have no doubt in my mind that they all know. My brother, he’s.. well, they run checks and all that.”
“Oh, okay.” Willow gazed out the window. “I wonder why he hasn’t come.”
I wanted to laugh, not intentionally, but that would be my first response, only I see that she’s genuinely confused. “It’s better this way.”
“How so?” she asked, bringing her attention back to me.
“Well, because you’re still alive.”
Present
After that day, we booked in to see a doctor, and I told Chase. I then set up a meeting with my dean. They don’t offer correspondence courses, but they gave me numbers to some colleges that do offer distance learning. It was obvious I was going to keep this kid. I knew that I had other options and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t come close to exploring my options, but in my heart, I knew. I knew I loved this baby the moment I laid eyes on those words that sprawled out across the result window. But I also knew something else… Frost could never know. With that knowledge, I left NYU, then Chase and Willow followed me. We ditched our cards, our identities, our lives and moved to Birmingham, England. We fell off the grid, with the help of Chase’s connections, we were set. I couldn’t use any of mine as they’re all loyal to Raze.
I missed their wedding, and probably a lot of other things, and for the most part, it has worked. Although, I’m not entirely sure. I’ve always been skeptical about whether or not my brothers really knew where I was and if they have ever seen Pax. I named her Pax after the Roman goddess of peace. She’s the peace between Frost and I’s destructive relationship. He crosses my mind every now and then, but then my survival instincts kick in and suddenly, I want to run again.
“So, I was thinking we could go get ice cream!” I take her from Chase and he grins. Chase has been great, he and Willow are my family now, and I wouldn’t have been able to do this without their support. They uprooted their entire lives to be with me. I owe them my life. Chase invested money into a pretty healthy stock market and has been playing with the system since. It keeps his money upright, and honestly, the man is sitting on millions now. It wasn’t long after that that Chase bought a house and we all settled into his mini-mansion. Him and I have remained close, but I made it very clear in the beginning that nothing was going to happen between us and he has respected that boundary since. Pax is a major part of his life, though, he loves her like she’s his own, so that alone has punctured holes in the wall I’ve kept up to shield myself from him. If it wasn’t for Frost, I probably would have involved myself with Chase, but the last phone call I got from Frost scared the shit out of me, so for the past three years, I’ve not dated anyone. Willow and Chase constantly tell me I need to get back out there, but I’m not ready. I don’t think I’ll ever feel the way I felt for Frost with someone else. It’s as simple as it will always be him. I kiss Pax’s cheek, as she gazes up at me through her long lashes. She has my eye color—both colors. One eye is blue, and one eye is green. She has a thick head of dark brown locks like her dad, and aside from the eyes, she looks like Frost. It’s scary how much she resembles her dad.
“Ice cream sounds fun.” Chase smiles at me.
“Okay,” I reply to him with a small smile before going back to Pax. “Let’s go and pack your bag.” Throwing an extra set of diapers into my bag, Pax wiggles off me, so I put her to the ground. She’s at that terror age where she gets into everything, rips everything apart and then flutters her eyelashes as if she’s done nothing wrong.
“Mama! Look!” She points outside to the white snow that’s frosting the glass window.
I scoop her up. “Snow!”
“No…” she tries to repeat but it comes out as “no.” It’s early December, so the snow is thick, and the air is chilly. I hate the cold. Being a Nevada kid, the cold has never grown on me. I bring my hand to the back of my neck, where a small snowflake is tattooed on it. When I first got here, I missed Frost terribly. It was too intense for even me to handle so one of the first things I did, like a stupid teenage kid in love, was get this tattoo. It’s small and is inked into the nape of my neck. Just a simple little blue snowflake with a couple of blood splatters through it. It’s my first tattoo and I a
lready crave more.
“Ready?” Chase comes into our bedroom, swinging the keys around his finger.
“Yep!”
We put Pax in her seat and make our way to the diner where Willow works. She never wanted a serious job like Chase, because she said she never wanted to put roots down here. She misses the states, I can see that, and although I’ve always said to her that she can go home, she had always said no. We pull into the parking lot and I jump out of the car, my Ugg boots sinking into the deep snow.
“I hate snow.”
Chase laughs, walking around to me and pulling open the back door. “Yeah? Well… I hate the heat so the snow stays.” I already know that if and when we return back to the states, Chase won’t be coming. He has built a life here and seems happy, so I’m happy for him. The selfish part of me wants him to be there with me always, with Pax and I, but I know that will never happen. He takes Pax out of her car seat and she wraps her teeny hands around his thick neck. “Untle Chay!” Pax coos, burying her head in the crook of Chase’s neck. He melts instantly, and my heart feels as though it bursts in my chest. I’m so overwhelmed with what’s going on in front of me that I don’t hear the car pull up beside us until the door slams shut.
I’m still smiling when I turn around to see who the angry civilian is when my smile goes up in flames and my blood turns thick. “Raze?” I quickly inspect the car he came out of but see no one else.
“He’s not here.” Raze’s eyes narrow. “But you’ve danced to this tune for long enough—with my fucking niece, no doubt, time to get your ass home. I allowed you to be gone for this long.”
“No!” I turn to Chase. “Take her inside.” Raze’s eyes soften as he watches Chase carry her into the diner, then they snap back to me. “What the fuck, Ella!”
I slouch backward, my head hitting the car. “I know.”
“No, you don’t know. I always knew I’d have to come drag your ass home after those three years were up, but I had hoped you’d fucking do it for me.”
My lip trembles. “I—I had to do what I had to do, Raze.”
“No.” He shook his head. “You chose wrong. We would have helped you. You had a fucking family, Ella and you chose to run. Frost doesn’t know he has a fucking kid. He’s been burying himself in club business for the past three years and is now the vice president of The Devil's Own.”
“Wait, what?” My eyes narrow. “What happened? Oh my God is Hella okay?”
“He’s serving time. Hard time. You’ve missed a fucking lot since you’ve been over here playing happy family.”
“Shit,” I exhale again. “I can’t come back, Raze. He will kill me.”
Raze chortles. “Yeah, I almost killed Millie just for running when she was pregnant, let alone hiding a fucking kid from me for two years, so good luck with that, but anyway,” he adds, looking as though he’s battling with what to say. “He has a woman now. When news broke that you ran, he turned fucking ice on you. Has been with this chick for over two years.”
My gut sinks. “Of course he has.” I shake my head, hiding a sarcastic chuckle. “He threatens my life if I move on, but he does it anyway.”
Raze steps forward. “The fuck do you expect, Ella? You went fucking ghost. He’s a psychopath, not fucking asexual, or a monk. Get your shit sorted. You are coming home.”
“Shit.” I rub the palm of my hand over my forehead. “I don’t know. I have my child to protect, Raze.”
“Angel, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to that girl. Frost is a lot of things, but he ain’t about that life. It’s yourself that you should be scared for.”
My expression drops. “Well, thanks, big brother. It’s good to know that you have my back. Very comforting words right there. You should write hallmark cards, there’s just that much –”
“—Ella?”
“Yes?” I snap out of my ramble.
“I’ll meet you back at Chase’s in an hour. Be ready. Oh, and don’t give me that shit. You know this is how we handle business. It’s why we’re made of the strong stuff because we deal with matters as you’re supposed to, we don’t bitch out. You made this bed, now it’s time for you to lie in it like a fucking McKenna.” Then he pulls open the front door of his car and skids out, the loose snow kicking up from the tires.
Shit just got real.
I circle around in the same spot, thinking over what my options are, only, I have none. And deep in my heart, I know that it’s the right thing to do. I knew this day was coming and I was prepared for it, but I always assumed Frost would be the one to chase me down, not Raze. This should be a good thing. He doesn’t care and he’s over his little obsession with me. Enough to have a new woman anyway.
“Lala?” Chase’s voice breaks through my inner argument.
I peer up at him, and Willow, and finally, Pax. She has her hand wrapped around the back of Chase’s neck, looking at me with doe eyes.
I swallow past the lump in my throat, fighting the tears to not surface. Tears coming from the knowledge that I’m about to tear Pax away from Chase. Someone who means so much to her and she to him.
“Shit.” I swipe at the fallen tears.
His face falls in understanding, then he looks back to Pax. “Hey, let’s go home, yeah? You have a lot of uncles to meet.” Then he walks down toward me and puts her into her car seat. I bring my eyes to Willow, who is taking the steps two at a time. “We’re going home?” Her eyes are wide, and I know she’s trying hard to hide her excitement.
I nod. “We are, but hey, if you don’t—”
“Ella, you and I both know I’m miserable here.” She must see my face fall, so she pauses. “Wait, but, I love you and Pax more than I was miserable so that’s why I stayed.”
I smile. “You’ve been an amazing friend and auntie to Pax, Willow.” She tears off the apron she had on and flings it toward the diner, flipping the building off. “Freaking hated this job.”
I giggle, sliding into the passenger seat. Willow gets into the back with Pax and once Chase is in, he fires the car up and we pull out, making our way back to the mansion.
I feel him before he speaks. He brings his hand to my knee and squeezes lightly. “It’s going to be ok. I can sell up, and lea—”
“—What?” I snap, turning to face him. “No, Chase. We all see how happy you are here. You have a life here, away from The Operation and your mom—no!”
He snorts. “I can’t leave you both, Ella.” He takes his hand away and brings his eyes back to the road ahead. “There’s no way I can leave her.”
“Chase,” I whisper, reaching for his hand as we pull into the long driveway. “You will always be a big part of her life. No matter where you are. You don’t need to do this.”
He pulls the emergency brake up, and his eyes find Raze, who is standing outside of the car he’s using. “Are you sure? Will you be safe?”
“Chase?” I chuckle, his attention snaps right to me. “I’m—”
He waves his hand. “—Ella fucking McKenna, yeah, yeah. I get it.”
“Okay,” I mumble, zipping up my final suitcase. “I think we’re done.”
Raze comes in behind me, scaring me a little. “You have everything?”
I turn to face him and see Pax in his arms. Whatever anger I was about to implode on him dissipates. “Yes.”
He studies to Pax. “She’s beautiful, El. Sort of, I don’t know, I guess she’s what I pictured Iris to look like—only less like Frost. Seriously, how can a girl look so much like her dad.”
I laugh, standing from the floor. “Yeah. She does look like Frost.” I clear my throat because Raze never talks about Iris. “Are you and Millie going to try again?”
Raze grins, hiking Pax up farther. “She’s pregnant right now. We’re having a boy.”
Happiness explodes from inside of me and I squeal out. “Oh my gosh, Rayray!”
“Ella…that fucking name!”
I roll my eyes, walk toward him and then whack his arm with the
back of my palm. “No swearing around Pax, and congratulations, brother. Pax will have a little cousin! Good thing she won’t be alone now.”
“Well, there is Miles Jr., even though he’s older, he’s a good kid. Miles and Amy have done well with him, and then Beast and Meadow’s daughter, Ivy, and Meadow is pregnant again. Soon, there will be a whole new generation.” He smirks, but it’s lopsided.
“True,” I nod. Narrowing my eyes, I blurt out before I can stop myself. “Anyone else have any kids I should know about?”
He scoffs, putting a wriggly Pax to the floor as she zooms forward to grab her Dora the Explorer backpack. “No, Ella, he doesn’t have any other kids. You couldn’t say shit if he did, though.”
“Valid.” I spin around, gesturing to our suitcases. “Our life in bags.”
Chapter 20
It was a long flight. Pax slept through most of it, and then ran up and down the aisle for the other half. Lucky we were on Iris, or this wouldn’t have been a pretty flight. We had to do a couple of stops to refuel, but I’m home. Raze pulls the Range Rover up the driveway, the house I called home, with the friends I called family. I turn in my seat to face Willow. “Are you ready to meet everyone?”
“Ella, I can get my own place…”
“Willow, shut up. There’s no rush.”
Raze’s eyes come to hers in the rearview mirror. “Ella is right. Stay as long as you need. You’ve taken care of her and Pax, I appreciate it and your friendship.”
Willow bobs her head and then pushes open her door.
I’m getting out of the passenger seat when the front door swings open, and one of two things can happen right now. Either Millie is going to stroll through, kick my ass, and then kiss me better, or Miles is going to walk through, kick my ass, and then kiss me better. Both equally scary as shit.
“Ella!” Millie comes out, swiping her tears. “Oh my God.” She charges toward me, full belly on display. “I could kill you!” she murmurs into my hair mid-hug.
“I know,” I reply, squeezing her and then stepping back to get a full look at the goods. “Congratulations!”