The words are broken up with cries. Is that me? It doesn’t sound like me. I can hardly understand the words, but my face is wet and my chest and throat hurt. The cries get louder, coming from inside, so I know it has to be me.
“It’s okay, Hunter. I promise you. It’s okay. This isn’t your fault. You can’t control other people’s actions. You couldn’t control theirs, and you couldn’t control your father’s either.”
“Then what the fuck is the point of it all?” I try to jerk away from her, but she won’t let me. She’s holding me tight. Holding me the way Mom would. “Why should we care if we can’t protect people we love?” My body won’t stop moving. I can’t stop trying to get away from her… but I think maybe I’m clinging to her at the same time.
And they’re taking Stray away. He’s getting farther and farther. I can’t see the blue in his hair through my tears.
“I have to go with him. Let me go with him. I need to be with Stray.” Then there’s a pinch in the skin of my upper arm, heat flooding the spot.
My vision gets fuzzy around the edges. It’s different than the blurriness of my tears or even the fuzz I get when I’m so pissed off I can hardly see.
My heart does a fifty-yard dash. A lump fills my throat. What’s happening? What’s going on?
My vision gets darker and darker… gray, to black, and then nothing at all.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
WHEN I wake up, I’m not in my bed—not my bed at home or my bed at Better Days. The firmness of the mattress is unfamiliar, and even with my eyes closed, I can tell the room is bright. My body feels like dead weight, and I think about trying to go back to sleep before my brain gets overloaded with memories—Holly. Brock. Stray.
I jerk my eyes open.
The room is white and bright and there’s medical equipment around. I’m in the medical unit on campus. Immediately I try to roll out of bed. Stray is here, and I have to make sure he’s okay, but my head spins, pain pulsing through it.
“Shh. It’s okay, Hunter. You need to give yourself a minute.”
“Where’s Stray? How’s he doing?”
Mrs. Spencer sets her hand on my arm. “He’s fine. He’s bruised up, but he’ll be okay.”
Finally I can breathe, but it’s still not enough. “I need to see him.” She keeps her hand on my arm when I make my second attempt to get out of bed.
“Not yet. You need to rest for a little while.”
My head is still spinning so I lean back. “Brock?”
“Is gone. They all are. We don’t tolerate violence here. In fact, you’re going to have to speak with a deputy about what happened. Jeremiah will too, but not right now.”
“Stray,” I say. “He wants to be called Stray.”
She gives me that smile I used to hate. I’m not sure when I stopped hating it, but I did. “You’re very loyal to the people you care about, Hunter. That’s an admirable quality, but you have to remember, you can’t bear the weight of taking care of everyone. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Not now. I… when can I see him?” It’s still there, the guilt eating away at my insides.
“Soon. And your mom will be here soon as well.”
It’s a reflex. My head automatically shakes and words come out of my mouth. “No… I don’t want to see her. Not yet. I can’t.”
Mrs. Spencer sighs.
I roll onto my side, with my back to her. I miss my mom… my family… my life… but it feels too far away. Too distant. Too out of reach. Different. It doesn’t feel right to try to blend my two lives. I don’t want to look her in the eyes and have her know that I let Stray get hurt.
“I’ll tell her how you feel, but I can’t make any promises.”
But if Mrs. Spencer tells her, Mom won’t come. That’s the way she is. She’ll respect my decision even though it will break her heart. I’m good at breaking those.
“You need to rest for a little while longer. Rosie would like to see you. Is it okay if I send her in?”
“Yeah.” My voice is husky and soft, like a rough whisper. “Casey?” This will be hardest on him. I’m not sure if he’ll be able to handle it.
“Maybe later. Now’s not the best time.”
Which means Casey’s losing it. He can’t deal.
She gives me a soft squeeze, stands up, and then goes for the door. She’s only gone for a minute before it opens again, and Rosie is there, worry in her eyes, but she’s standing tall as ever.
“So, I’m taking it the make-out session didn’t go well?” There’s a click when she closes the door before walking over.
“Not funny.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Have you seen Stray?”
“No.” She pulls up a chair to sit beside the bed.
“Casey?”
Her eyes squeeze shut, and seem to stay that way forever. “No… he freaked when he heard what happened to Stray. I haven’t seen him since. They wouldn’t let me see anyone until now. Everything is so fucked-up.” She leans her elbows on her knees, putting her face in her hands. “We’re falling apart. I’m losing everyone. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold it together. I’m supposed to be able to hold everyone together.” And then, softer, “It’s all I have….”
It’s then I realize looking at Rosie is like looking in the mirror in some ways. We both want to take care of everyone. We both want to make sure we’re all okay. We both want to protect the people we love. Stray does it too, but he also lets people in.
I don’t.
For the first time, I’m wondering if Rosie really does either.
She’s always seemed so together, like she didn’t need anyone, just wanted them. Maybe it’s a lie.
“It’s not your fault. Everyone loves you. Casey… Bethany… they knew they could always count on you. Stray too… and me.” It’s all true. I can’t even say I would have ever let them in if it weren’t for Rosie. She makes everything feel electric in a way I can’t explain.
“Yeah?” she asks as though she really doesn’t know. But this is Rosie, she has to know. She’s the one who loves everything about herself.
“Come on. Like you don’t know.” I roll my eyes, and then she stands and nudges me so I scoot over to make room. A second later she’s crawling into bed with me. It’s such a Rosie thing to do. She rests her head on my chest, and I wrap an arm around her.
“I’m scared,” I admit.
“Me too.”
But she doesn’t get scared. Not Rosie. “Of what? You’re like… Wonder Woman. You sneak homeless people into your house, and find a way to get around the guards so we can slip into places we’re not supposed to be. I don’t know what any of us would do without you.”
Rosie doesn’t answer for so long, I think she might have fallen asleep. But then she’s pushing up on her arm and she’s looking down at me. Her eyes are sad, lost, deep pools that go on forever and ever. They travel back in time to all the lives she’s lived.
And then she’s leaning forward and my heart picks up. My body sort of freezes. I know what she’s doing, but it doesn’t compute. I don’t understand it, so I close my eyes as though that will make it stop.
Her lips touch mine, and I don’t move. My pulse is going way too fast. Not in a good way but a confused way as I feel her wet tongue at my lips.
It’s her tongue that wakes me up. My eyes pop open, and I’m pulling away. “Rosie… no…. Stray….” She and I are just friends. I don’t like girls that way. I’m in love with Stray. There are a million reasons this is the most wrong thing we could do.
“It’s okay, Hunter,” she whispers. “I can take care of you too.” She leans in to press her body against mine, like she’s trying to coax me into wanting it, and tries to kiss me again.
“Rosie. No. What the hell?”
She shoves out of the bed so quickly that she uses my gut instead of the mattress to push herself out. I open my mouth again to say… I don’t know what the hell I would say. Something. To try to figu
re out what she’s doing and what this means, but Rosie speaks before I can sort through my thoughts.
“You talked to me first. I was the one who came to speak to you instead of just giving you shit because of Casey. I’m the one who told you Stray’s a nice guy, and it’s like you totally don’t give a shit anymore! You ignore me for him!”
“What?” My pulse still hasn’t slowed. I’m dizzy and nauseated and have no idea what’s going on.
“And it’s not just you! Stray was my best friend before you came! We got here around the same time, and we took care of Bethany and Casey. Then you came, and Stray only cared about you, and we lost Bethany! Casey doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore. None of you care. You’re all choosing someone else over me. That’s what happens out there, in the real world. It’s not supposed to happen with you guys. You’re supposed to love me.”
She falls into the chair. There’s no sound in the room except Rosie crying and my blood rushing through my ears. It’s like I don’t know who she is. This girl in front of me isn’t the Rosie I know. She’s not the girl who teases us and kisses our foreheads.
“That’s not true. We all love you. You’re still Stray’s best friend. Casey… I don’t know what he would do without you.” My words feel empty and weak, but they’re true. I don’t know what else to say besides that.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever. You and Stray are always sneaking into each other’s rooms at night. You ditched me today to go make out. It’s like you guys don’t even care we lost Bethany! And then Casey… he doesn’t need me. He bailed on me too. My parents don’t need me. They couldn’t care less about me.”
Suddenly, so many things are making sense. Rosie doesn’t feel loved. She doesn’t feel needed. It’s why she clings to us, and is always touching or kissing us. Why she always wants to be involved. Why she sneaks homeless people into her house. She’s searching for someone to need her. Someone to love her.
There have been times in the past few weeks she made comments about ditching her or Stray choosing me over her, but then she laughed them off. I thought they were a joke.
They weren’t.
“I don’t think any of us could do this without you,” I tell her, and it’s the truth.
“Then why does everyone forget about me? Why do they shove me aside when someone better comes along? Even Brock! He used to like me before Megan came.”
Whoa. I didn’t see that one coming. As far as I know they’ve never even hung out. She’s a slut, Megan’s words come back to me.
She’s still sitting in the chair, shaking, but her tears are gone. Her voice is almost robotic, disconnected, when she says, “We used to sneak around the way you and Stray do, until she came. You guys bailed on me today, but then he wanted to see me. I hate him, I fucking hate him, but he was there, and he gets it, sometimes. Gets what it’s like not to really have anyone there. As soon as I mentioned you and Stray ditched me for the stables, he walked out on me too.”
Her words seem to hit us both at the same time. Her eyes go wide. She’s the one who told Brock where Stray and I were. He left her to come after me and Stray.
“Oh God….” Rosie pushes out of the chair with so much strength it falls backward. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I screwed up again. He’s hurt because of me. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know.”
There’s a part of me who wants to yell at her, to scream, what the hell were you thinking? Why would she want Brock’s attention? Why would she give a shit about him? Why would she tell him anything about me and Stray?
The pain in her face stops me. Her eyes are dead, her hand shaking in front of her mouth. She’s broken. Broken in a way she’s kept expertly hidden. She hid all of this, and hid it so well. I didn’t see. None of us did. “It’s not your fault,” I say, but it sounds lame, even to my ears.
Why do we continue to need to say those words over and over? Why does all this bad shit continue to happen? When can we all stop blaming ourselves? Even me.
“You forgive me?” she asks. She hardly gives me enough time to nod before she steps forward and kisses my forehead. “I didn’t mean to mess everything up. I didn’t mean to make everyone hurt.”
“It’s not your fault,” I tell her again. I want to keep saying it until she believes it. Until I believe it about myself.
“I need to go check on Stray. I should check on Stray.” It’s as though someone flipped a switch in Rosie. She smiles, making me wonder if I somehow dreamed it all. But I didn’t. I know that.
“He loves you. We all do. Let me know if they let you see him.”
“I will.” She gives me another smile, and then Rosie is gone.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
A LITTLE while later, Mrs. Spencer comes to the medical unit to tell me Mom isn’t coming today, but she insists on coming soon. It makes me a coward, but I’m glad. I don’t know what to say to her, or how to say it. I don’t know what to say to Holly either. The thoughts are a million puzzle pieces in my head. They’re all mixed up with Rosie’s puzzle, and what happened with Stray too.
Stray, who she says I have to wait until tomorrow to see. He needs his rest and all sorts of other BS that I know is only an excuse. He could still rest if I saw him. He probably doesn’t want me to see what Brock did to him.
I haven’t seen Rosie again, and I haven’t seen Casey at all. I don’t know why they’re making me stay in the medical unit. There’s nothing wrong with me physically.
It’s impossible for me to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see Holly asking me not to go out, or Stray saying he’ll be quiet so Brock doesn’t hurt me. It should have been me, not him.
Rosie’s there too, behind my eyelids, admitting she sees Brock sometimes, telling me she thinks none of us need her.
Yeah, so sleep definitely isn’t coming tonight.
One last time I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to at least rest them without all my thoughts playing there. It works for a few minutes, and then there’s a loud noise. People yelling. Sirens.
Stray.
I fall out of the bed. He must have been hurt worse than they thought. A head injury or something. Scrambling to my feet, I make my way to the door. People are rushing around, some whispering, some yelling.
“Go back into your room,” one of the staff members tells me as she jogs past, but I don’t listen.
I don’t know where Stray is or what’s going on so I run, run until I can see or hear something. The overhead speaker comes on, telling people to go back to their rooms, but the halls are filling up instead. Everyone’s trying to figure out what’s going on, but I just keep going, running, even though I don’t know where.
There’s a gurney and EMTs running down a hallway. I realize I’m in a part of the building I haven’t seen before—it’s the girls’ wing. Their dormitories.
“Back into your rooms. We need everyone to go back into your rooms.” Staff starts blocking us from seeing what’s going on, pushing people into rooms wherever they can find them. Keeping the girls in their dormitories as well.
I look for Rosie. She’d have snuck out. She always finds a way. Once I find her, she’ll be able to tell me what happened.
They push the gurney back out of the room. A body on it, beneath a blanket, but I recognize the long, brown hair falling over the edge. No, it’s not a body. My friend. Rosie. The temperature in my body drops. I’m freezing, frozen, an ice cube dropping to the floor and shattering.
“Nooooo!” I’m screaming. My voice breaks, but it’s still there in my head, echoing. Not Rosie. It can’t be Rosie. As they move in a rush, the blanket blows off her arm, open gashes running the length. They try to cover it, but it’s too late. I see it. See her and know for sure that she’s gone, that she ripped herself open the way Stray has—only she didn’t survive.
I run for her. Someone grabs me, tells me to stay out of the way.
“Rosie! Wait. I need to be with her!” Arms wrap around my waist, holding me back. “She needs to know someone she love
s is here. We need you! We need you, Rosie! She has to know we need her. Don’t you understand that?”
We all thought she was okay, so we didn’t tell her that we needed her. We didn’t make sure she felt loved and now she’s hurt. She needs to know now. If we tell her now, she’ll be okay. Won’t she? We can make Rosie okay. We have to. “Fix her. Please, you have to fix her.”
But they don’t. They keep holding me while others wheel her out the doors. I just let go, collapsing. I can’t keep myself up anymore. Maybe never again.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
THE REST of the night goes by in a blur. I’m numb again. Maybe this will be my constant state and I should get used to it now.
They have Rosie’s dorm blocked off. They’re not letting any of us go back to our rooms for now. They have everyone congregated into the game rooms and movie rooms.
I don’t know where Casey and Stray are, so it’s just me. Alone with all these kids I don’t know.
It takes them until morning to let us know what’s going on. Rosie committed suicide. Cut her wrists with a piece of metal. What they don’t know is that I’m the one who gave it to her. So easily I handed the metal over, and she killed herself with it because she thought she’d let us all down.
They’re going to be calling everyone’s parents to let them know what’s happened. Normal schedule won’t be happening today, but there will be therapy sessions where we can talk about how we feel, because talking has done us so much good already.
Rosie’s dead. Gone. All she wanted was someone to love her, yet none of us could see that.
I helped her to commit suicide.
When they finally let us back into our rooms, I climb into my bed, pull the blanket over my head the way Stray and I did that night, and don’t move.
I ignore them when they tell me I need to eat. Dr. Harrison comes into my room personally… she knows Rosie and I were close, she says, but I don’t talk to her either.