Thursday morning, my luck ran out.
I stopped by the bathrooms before homeroom, and on my way out, I walked right into something – no, wait. Someone.
‘Oh, ouch, sorry,’ I said automatically. I’d been in such a daze I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d just apologized to a brick wall. It sure as hell felt like—
Ah. Close enough.
‘Oh.’ I tried sidestepping him, but a hand on my arm stopped me.
Noah looked . . . well, to be blunt, totally awful.
He had bags under his eyes from what I assumed to be several sleepless nights, and he smelled faintly of smoke.
Hey, this was Flynn, after all – I shouldn’t be so surprised. Who’s to say he wasn’t drunk too?
‘We’ve got to talk,’ he said, his voice a little croaky. Without waiting for me to answer, he pulled me into the nearest empty classroom, closing the door behind us.
I sat on the edge of the desk at the front while he stayed by the door.
‘How are you?’ he asked abruptly, looking me dead in the eyes.
I frowned in confusion, more than a little taken aback. ‘Much better now that Lee’s forgiven me, if that’s what you’re asking?’
‘That makes one of us,’ he muttered, running both hands over his face. ‘Too late to go back on it all now. Cat’s out of the bag.’
I felt like he was accusing me, and bristled. ‘Hey, look, I didn’t exactly want to tell him like that—’
‘I wasn’t blaming you, Elle,’ he said quickly. ‘I . . . Look, I need to talk to you, and . . .’
‘Then talk,’ I said, sounding way calmer and more confident than I felt. Not that I was complaining. I was glad he (hopefully) couldn’t tell how anxiety made my pulse go wild, how my palms were all clammy, how my stomach twisted.
‘I . . .’ He gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. ‘I’m sorry. I took advantage of you, and I hated seeing you get hurt when Lee found out. We should’ve just told him from the start. I shouldn’t have let you lie to him like that. It was my fault too. I messed up. And I’m sorry.’
He said it all so rapidly, like he was trying to get the words out before he could take them back, that I thought I’d heard him wrong. And – and he sounded like he meant every word. As though he were really torn up about this.
‘I know,’ he said slowly, ‘you probably never wanted to see my face again, and I get it, but . . .’
‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Uh . . . sure?’
‘Where have you been the last few days?’
He gave a bitter smile, and looked up from his boots to my face again. ‘I was staying in a motel. I didn’t want to make things worse for you with Lee. I’ve been trying to forget about you. I haven’t been able to sleep, so I’ve been driving around. I can’t stop thinking about you,’ he added quietly.
That wasn’t quite the answer I’d expected.
But I knew Noah. He wasn’t one to lie.
He moved closer to me – so close that I got off the desk to avoid being trapped by him as he towered over me, his body brushing against mine.
‘I don’t know what the hell it is about you, Elle, but I can’t . . . I don’t . . .’
‘What?’
‘You drive me insane,’ was all he said then, his voice quiet, soft – intimate. ‘Absolutely insane. I need you back.’
My racing heart stopped, and then flip-flopped wildly. What was he saying? It wasn’t anything else. It wasn’t like he was in l—
Lee had just forgiven me. Maybe not moved on, but forgiven me, at least.
And now Noah just wanted to . . . to carry on where we’d left off? Was he crazy to think I could just do that?
After coming so close to losing my best friend, I wanted to finish this year in peace. Was that too much to ask? Besides, Noah was leaving soon for college.
I couldn’t get back with him. I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right.
So . . . why was it so hard to convince myself that it was wrong?
‘Elle,’ he said, stroking my hair back off my face. ‘Shelly . . .’
I shook my head, putting my foot down. ‘No. It’s not happening. I can’t . . .’
‘Elle,’ he said, those electric-blue eyes darkening as he backed me up a step. ‘You’re killing me here.’
‘Are you drunk?’
‘No. I’m completely sober, and this is all true. I need you back.’
I shook my head again, retreating until I felt the wall at my back. Noah stepped forward, hands on either side of my head, his body pinning me there. His breath tickled my face.
‘Elle,’ he said again. I looked into his eyes. I knew he was telling the truth, but I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to be able to put my foot down, close the door, lock this all away. I didn’t want to go back to the firework feeling of his touch and his kisses because I knew I’d never want to leave him. If I didn’t do this now, I never would – at least not until it was too late.
And I managed one word: ‘No.’
His palm slammed into the display board behind me, making the wall rattle and a loosely tacked poster fall down.
I shook my head, closing my eyes as if not looking at him would help steady me. It didn’t. ‘No.’
His hands dropped onto my shoulders then, and when I opened my eyes, his were pleading with me.
‘Get off me,’ I said, trying to push him off. I prayed he wouldn’t kiss me now – because I knew I’d end up kissing him back.
‘I can do it right this time,’ he said. ‘No sneaking around.’
‘I’m not dating you,’ I said feebly.
He sighed, leaning his head forward so it rested against mine. I stiffened. I wasn’t scared of him, though. I was scared of myself.
He almost had his arms around me. All I wanted to do right now was let him hold me, kiss me.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back to that. I’d never get back out. I couldn’t do that to Lee.
‘Noah, please, just . . . don’t.’
‘I can’t help it,’ he said tightly, the muscle in his jaw jumping when he pulled back to look at me. ‘I tried, believe me. What is it about you? You’re driving me crazy here, you’re killing me. I need you back.’
‘I said no.’ I shoved him hard in the chest, and slipped out under his arm to the other side of the classroom. ‘Noah, I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but I can’t.’
‘Why?’
‘I – I just . . . I can’t.’
I was saved by the bell: the hallways filled with people going to their first period class. Noah didn’t move, and I found I couldn’t either.
‘I . . . I have to go,’ I managed to say, and I fled, barging my way through people and not caring when I stood on someone’s toes. I just had to get away.
Not because I was afraid of Noah.
I was afraid of my feelings for him.
‘Are you telling me that for your seventeenth birthday – oh, wait, I’m sorry, our seventeenth birthday – you have no idea what kind of party you want?’
I laughed. ‘I haven’t really thought about it lately. But we need to sort something out really soon. We have, like, a week.’
Lee sighed melodramatically. ‘And you say I procrastinate! So what are we going to do? Tiny gathering of close friends and family?’
‘Close friends? You’ve got to be joking. That’s half our grade, and then there’s the seniors.’
‘True. Then a large gathering of close friends and family? Huh? Yeah? Yeah? My parents said before we could rent out a club for the night.’
‘That’d be kind of cool . . . but it’d be so expensive . . .’
‘All right. House party at my place?’
‘I guess so. There’s not exactly much else we can do, is there?’ I said.
Lee and I had decided months ago that we wanted to do something so cool, so epic, that nobody would be able to top it. And since our birthday fell just after school let out, recently our party had been the big
end-of-year celebration. With all the seniors we hung out with leaving now, we wanted to do something even bigger and better than just any old party.
I knew that Lee wanted a big party, and I owed him. I’d been selfish over the whole Noah situation, not telling him about it, sneaking around behind his back. I owed him. I had to come up with something awesome for him.
Then it hit me.
‘Remember in sixth grade – we had that costume party at the kiddie place that shut down? It had a ball-pit and everything.’
‘Yeah. And I was the Cat in the Hat. And you went as some Disney princess.’
‘Yeah.’
‘What about it? Oh, God, no. No way. No way.’
‘Yes way.’
‘No.’
‘Why not? It’d be so fun!’
‘Shelly, do you realize how childish that sounds?’ he laughed, grinning at me and making his eyes crinkle at the corners.
‘I know, that’s what makes it so cool! We’re, like, the only people who can pull this off and make it epic. Trust me.’
‘And you’re sure about this?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘We’re going to shake on this before you change your mind.’
I nodded, smiling easily and sticking my fist out to him.
Lee grinned, laughing, and pounded his fist with mine. We both made identical explosion noises.
‘We haven’t done that since the sixth grade.’
‘It seemed appropriate, given the party,’ I laughed.
‘We’re really going to have a costume party?’
‘Hell yeah. And we’re going as the Olsen twins.’
He biffed me across the head, laughing. I rolled out of the way, ending up on the grass. I sat up, crossing my legs underneath me and grinning up at him.
‘Thing One and Thing Two,’ he told me.
‘I’m not dying my hair blue,’ I protested. Then I smirked. ‘But I’m sure Rachel would love to see you in a snug red jumpsuit . . .’
‘I take it back,’ he exclaimed, shaking his head wildly and waving his hands around. I laughed harder.
Then he said, ‘Shall we do it next Friday? After the graduation ceremony?’
‘Yeah, we may as well. I mean, our birthday is on the Sunday so . . . And if I get drunk, I—’
‘I don’t want to be hungover on my birthday,’ he finished for me.
‘Same.’
‘Of course. So shall I start sending the message around right now?’
‘Well, I was thinking—’
‘Careful, don’t hurt yourself.’
I laughed but still managed to frown at him and say a sarcastic ‘Ha-ha. I was about to say “the same thing” before you so rudely interrupted m—’
His phone started ringing and he held up a finger. ‘Hold that thought,’ he said, deliberately interrupting me again. I just laughed as he fished his iPhone out of his pocket and tapped away at it, broadcasting the message to about fifty of our friends. We figured we could always invite more people if we wanted, but it was harder to uninvite them.
My cell phone buzzed in my pocket, and I took it out.
‘Who is it?’ Lee asked.
‘Noah.’
His head snapped up from his cell. ‘What the hell does he want now? He didn’t harass you enough earlier?’
I pressed the ‘busy’ button, ignoring Noah’s call. ‘He didn’t harass me, Lee . . .’
‘Mm. Maybe. I just don’t think he’s good for you, Elle, that’s all. I’m trying to look out for you. I know my brother.’
‘You think I don’t know him? He never treated me badly, Lee.’
‘But he never treated you the way you deserved, either,’ he argued. Then, sighing, he said, ‘Never mind. I don’t want to argue about that anymore. So. Costume for our party.’
‘Oh, don’t you worry about that.’ I grinned mischievously. ‘I have the perfect solution.’
Chapter 22
FRIDAY, WHEN I wasn’t in class, I was running to and fro calling people to ensure all the finishing touches were in place for the Summer Dance the next day. It was more than enough stress to keep my mind away from any thoughts of Noah.
Rachel, May, Lisa and I were all planning on going to this little spa on Saturday to get our nails and hair done; Lisa’s mom worked there, so she got us a discount.
I felt so out of the loop though – all the girls were gushing constantly about their dates; how his tie matched her dress just perfectly, how their crush had asked them to save a dance, how he looked so hot in his tux . . .
And there was me, dateless. I’d be showing up alone. I couldn’t ask any of the guys to go as friends because they all had dates. I must’ve been about the only person in the school who didn’t have one.
‘We can all go as friends, though, right?’ Lisa said Friday lunchtime, when I had a twelve-minute break to grab some lunch. She was going with Cam. Dixon and May were going. Warren was taking a girl from his history class who I didn’t really know too well.
‘Yeah,’ Lee agreed. ‘That way you won’t show up alone.’
‘It works out fine, Elle, see?’ Dixon tried convincing me.
‘Well . . . you did turn down a lot of offers,’ Cam said tentatively.
‘I didn’t, actually. He turned them down for me just about every time.’ I didn’t need to clarify who I was talking about, of course.
‘Hey, speaking of, is your brother going to the dance, Lee?’ Rachel asked him.
‘I don’t know. I couldn’t care less if he does or not.’
Rachel and I exchanged a look, both knowing that Lee did care. But neither one of us said anything.
Even though we were all renting out the limo together and going together as a group, I’d still be alone.
I kneaded my forehead. I could try blaming Noah, try being mad at myself for letting him tell everyone who asked that I wasn’t going with them.
But I knew why I hadn’t put up a fight. I knew why perfectly well – because I’d assumed I’d be with him, given that it was a masquerade. I’d hoped he could be my date. He’d even asked me, that afternoon in the garage – not in so many words, but in his own way.
But no, that was not going to happen now, no way. And what were the chances of anybody asking me now, when the dance was tomorrow?
Zero.
My hair was blow dried and straightened to perfection, soft and sleek and shiny. My nails were done in the most immaculate French manicure. I’d spent the last half-hour on my make-up, following the ‘professional’s guide I’d found online.
Not that there was an awful lot of point: my mask covered half of my face. It was only for the sake of it, really.
My dress looked wonderful now I was dressed up properly. The dark apple-green color seemed to make my skin glow and my brown eyes sparkle from under the mask. The material swished gently when I moved, floating around my thighs. My silver kitten heels matched the beading on the dress and mask perfectly.
I looked great. Hell, I felt great!
I hadn’t felt so normal in ages. It was almost as though the entire Noah situation had never happened.
Well, if I’m going to show up alone, I’ll look pretty damn awesome doing it, I thought firmly. Then I remembered what usually happened at the Summer Dance: yes, I was sharing the limo with the others, but I wouldn’t get a photo in the ballroom with my date, I wouldn’t have my dad taking embarrassing photos of us . . .
I might have looked the part, but suddenly I didn’t quite feel it.
I sighed and the doorbell rang. I picked up my silver clutch and checked myself one last time in the mirror. They were early, but at least I was ready.
‘Elle, they’re here,’ Dad called up as he went to answer the door.
‘Yeah,’ I answered.
I went downstairs to meet them all and get into the limo. On the landing, I stuck my head in Brad’s room. ‘See you later, then.’
He paused his game to look at me. ‘Wow. Took you long enough.’
>
‘Long enough to what?’
‘To go from troll-butt-ugly to not half bad.’ But he smiled in his sweet ten-year-old way with his missing tooth, and I had to smile, ruffling his hair.
‘Ugh, get off! God! You’re so annoying!’
I laughed again, and said goodbye.
I stopped in my tracks at the top of the stairs.
‘ . . .want to speak to her.’
‘She doesn’t want to speak to you. I think you’d better leave now.’
‘Not until I speak to her.’
‘No. Now get the hell off my porch before I call the police.’
Noah pushed his way in anyway, and as my dad started shoving him back out, I let out a strange noise – it wasn’t even a word, just a weird squeak that made them both pause and look up at me.
‘What are you doing here?’ I hissed at Noah, scurrying down the stairs while gripping the banister so I didn’t trip in my tiny heels. ‘Noah, what the hell are you doing here?’
‘He’s leaving . . .’ It was said with all the threat of an angry father. It actually made Noah shift from one foot to the other; he was intimidated or, at the very least, uncomfortable.
I just looked at Noah, waiting for him to answer. Then I really looked at him.
He was wearing a white dress shirt and a slim green tie that was a little haphazardly slung around his neck. He had a black tux, but had paired it with his trademark black boots which he somehow managed to pull off as sexy. His dark hair almost fell into his eyes and looked a little windswept and disheveled.
He scratched the back of his neck nervously. ‘I came to talk to you.’
I sighed and half turned to Dad. ‘Can you give us a minute?’
‘Fine,’ he said after a long pause. He pointed a finger threateningly at Noah. ‘But you lay one finger on her, and I swear—’
‘Dad!’ I hissed pointedly, jerking my head at the kitchen. He glared at Noah again and then walked into the kitchen. I could hear Brad’s music still playing; he was totally oblivious to what was going on down here.
I looked over at Noah, who was stepping out of the front door. ‘What are you doing? I thought you wanted to talk.’
‘I told you, Elle. I’m going to do this right.’