Serena’s nipples peaked and she grew wet before she could stop herself. Not for the first time, she wondered what Kevin had done to her. She never acted like this, never had sex in public—let alone twice in one day. And while she had a very healthy fantasy life, her sex life had been somewhat lacking before she’d met him. Though she’d dated, she had trouble lowering her guard enough to really enjoy sex, always worried about maintaining control of herself and her environment. Always frightened of trusting a man enough to be vulnerable in his presence. That was a fear Kevin blasted out of the water, at least when they were in bed together. Or anywhere else, for that matter—as long as some part of him was inside some part of her.
A cloud moved across the sky, momentarily obscuring the sun and Serena shivered despite herself as her thoughts turned bleakly away from Kevin. She’d done a good job of ignoring everything but work and her new lover, but Damien was always there in the back of her mind. Especially when she could have sworn she’d caught a glimpse of his brother at the gallery opening last night. But when she’d turned to look, Michael had been gone and it was easier to put it down to paranoia than to try to deal with it.
Better to focus on Kevin and the fact that he made her happier then she’d been in the last ten and a half years. It was a happiness tempered by guilt; she couldn’t do anything about that. After all, how was she supposed to feel about finding contentment when her sister’s murderer was free? How could she enjoy her life when Sandra was dead?
She’d spent more than ten years living in a kind of penitential limbo—trying to gain some kind of forgiveness for living while her twin had died—and though she knew it wasn’t healthy she wasn’t sure she was willing to let those feelings go. Who was she kidding? She wasn’t sure she was able to let the guilt go. How could she just forget Sandra and move on with her life like nothing had ever happened?
Deep in thought, Serena glanced up at the Matthias Building and everything inside of her froze for a moment. This was it. This was the picture she wanted. Not the shadows cast by a brilliant sun, but those cast by one dwarfed with clouds. Here was the mystery and the awe. She groped for her camera, brought it to her face, and shot. Again and again. But the angle wasn’t quite right so she stood and backed up, step by step, frame by frame, until she had what she wanted.
She took the picture, wound the film, took another one, oblivious to everything but her art and the satisfaction rushing through her. This was it. She knew it. She snapped another picture.
“Serena, look out!” She was so focused that Kevin’s voice invaded her consciousness slowly, despite the urgency in it. A scream sounded behind her and suddenly she was flying through the air, Kevin’s arms hard around her. He twisted in midair so that he took the brunt of the fall and then she was on the pavement, struggling to take a breath into lungs that had totally shut down on impact.
* * *
He was shaking so badly he could barely hold the steering wheel. That had been stupid. Irresponsible. Weak when he knew better than to show the slightest hint of weakness.
He didn’t know what had come over him. This was supposed to be a simple recon mission. Gather information. Observe Serena and the bayou rat. Make plans to get close to her. But his first sight of her had driven all those plans out of his head. Rage—burning hotter than any he’d ever felt before—had coursed through him as he remembered how she’d looked last night.
She’d been gorgeous—the most beautiful woman in the room. Sparkling so brightly that she’d overshadowed every other woman there. And it had all been for him. The insult, the disgust, was almost more than he could bear. She’d been so wrapped up in that laborer that she’d hardly known anyone else was in the room. And worse, she’d let him touch her—right there, in the open, where anyone could see.
They’d thought they were alone, had thought they’d succeeded in sneaking away from the crowd. But he’d seen them … and followed.
Sweat beaded on his brow, then rolled down his cheek as he remembered how she’d looked straddling that bench. Her legs spread and her fucking beautiful cunt wide open to his starving eyes. How he’d wanted to grab her, to thrust his huge, pulsing dick inside of her and fuck her until she begged him to stop.
But he hadn’t done it, couldn’t bear to think of fucking her when she stunk of another man. Because she’d been spread for his benefit. The filthy rat had had his disgusting fingers inside of her, right there under the priceless Monets that hung in the Impressionist room. It had been Riley who had whispered obscenities in her ear, Riley who had held her while she came again and again. Her skin flushing pink, her cunt clenching around him and glistening with the power of her release.
The pain hit him hard and fast, so fast that he nearly blacked out before he could temper it. Only the loud honking of the cars next to him as he swerved into the right lane kept him conscious. With effort—great effort—he blocked out the pain and focused, once again, on righting the car and getting back to the hotel safely.
He concentrated on his breathing. Slow, deep breaths. Even breaths. One after the other. Again and again and again until he got the anger—and the pain—under control. Control was the secret. Control kept him sane.
He pulled into the valet parking, stumbled into the hotel without waiting for one of the valets to hand him a ticket. Just a little farther. A few more steps to get to the elevator. A few floors to get to his suite. He could make it. He had to, as losing control in front of all these people wasn’t an option.
He lumbered into the elevator, counting the seconds as it sped toward the fifteenth floor. He lurched out, shuffling down the hall until he all but fell against the door. He fumbled for his card, slid it into the lock and then he was inside. Safe. Free.
Whimpering, he careened toward the bar where he grabbed his pill bottle. He wrenched it open and the pills spilled everywhere, but he didn’t care. He grabbed two—no three—and tossed them back with a few large swallows of the Glenlivit Scotch sitting on the bar.
Then he threw back his head and howled, the pain in his head—the agony of Serena’s betrayal—searing through him until oblivion, blessed oblivion, came and he slumped, unconscious, on the gray carpet.
* * *
She could see Kevin’s concerned face, could hear the sound of tires squealing in the background and excited chatter coming from the rapidly gathering crowd, but she couldn’t respond. Eyes wide, hands clenched into fists, her entire focus was on trying to take a breath. Seconds that felt like minutes passed before she finally could. She gasped, hand to her chest, as she greedily sucked in air, relishing the feel of her lungs inflating.
When she was finally able to speak, Serena asked, “What happened? Why did you hit me like that?”
“Hit you?” Kevin stared at her, incredulous. “That car nearly killed you. It was tackle you or watch the coroner’s office peel you off the sidewalk!”
He pulled her into his arms, his heart beating frantically against hers. He’d never been as scared in his entire life as when he’d seen the green SUV careen onto the curb heading straight for Serena. What if it had hit her, he asked himself again and again. What if she had died before he’d gotten the chance to tell her that he loved her?
He knew that he should get up, check her for injuries, see if anyone had gotten the license plate of the car before it had sped off. Damn drunk driver. But he couldn’t move. Serena felt so good, so right, in his arms. So safe when only moments before he’d been sure he would lose her.
What if he hadn’t stepped outside to check on her? What if he’d been so absorbed with his work that he’d forgotten all about her? What if he’d lost her before he ever really had the chance to have her?
Kevin ran shaking hands over her body, searching for injury. “Are you all right?” he asked, again and again, as he kissed her hair, her face, her neck. “Mon Dieu, bebe, I almost lost you. I almost lost you.”
The frantic beating of his heart finally got through to her and she pulled away. “What happene
d?” she asked again as people began to crowd around them.
“I saw the whole thing.” A man in a navy suit stepped forward and helped the two of them to their feet. “It was like that guy was aiming for her.”
“Aiming for her?” Kevin stared at him blindly as scenarios played out in his head.
“Yeah,” agreed a blond woman who had retrieved Serena’s camera cases and her now smashed Nikon. “It didn’t look like he’d lost control. It looked like he spotted her and hit the gas. I think he jumped the curb on purpose.”
“I couldn’t get the license plate,” commented the first man. “I tried to write it down, but both were almost completely covered in mud. I can describe the car, however.”
“Thanks,” commented Kevin, watching Serena take her camera from the other woman. She didn’t say a word, but her sorrow was palpable as she cradled the Nikon in her hands.
“Come on, cher. Let me get you settled inside and then I’ll call the police.”
Her eyes were little-girl-lost as she looked at him. “Police?” she asked, as if things weren’t adding up.
“Yes, police,” he answered firmly, ushering her through the dispersing crowd. “Look at this.” He gestured to the mess around them.
Serena looked beyond Kevin for the first time, turning white as she did. The bench she had been sitting on minutes before was crushed, as was one of the huge wood planters filled with flowers that the Matthias Corporation took care of. Her notebook was torn and muddy and one of her shoes, which had flown off when Kevin tackled her, had black tire marks across its smashed sole.
She stared at the once-white mule in morbid fascination. “That could have been me,” she said, taking a step closer to Kevin as things began to sink in. She’d been a little dazed before, but now everything seemed all too real.
“Why do you think I’m so shaken up, bebe?” he demanded, pulling at his hair as frustration welled up inside of him. “You scared the hell out of me.”
Before he could say another word, two police cars pulled up, sirens blaring. “It looks like someone already called the police,” Serena commented, absently running a hand through her hair. She felt naked, exposed, as if a huge part of her armor had been torn away.
“I did,” commented the man who had helped her to her feet. “As soon as it happened.”
“Thank you.” She studied the policemen as they made their way past the destruction, obviously looking for the people involved. Panic crawled through her and she wanted desperately to run and hide. She didn’t want to talk to them, didn’t want to remember the last time she’d had to deal with the police.
Kevin placed a soothing hand at the small of her back, as if he could sense her trepidation. She closed her eyes briefly and squared her shoulders as he called the cops over to them. She could do this. Really, she could. If her knees would just stop shaking.
Taking a deep breath, she slipped her mask into place. This wasn’t about Sandra, she reminded herself. This was about a stupid accident. And the sooner she got this done with, the sooner she could move on with her day. Kevin’s day.
Serena made it through the questioning in a kind of daze, her mind jumping from the present to the past despite all her attempts to stay focused. Kevin never left her side, answered most of the questions for her, and generally lent her as much support as he was able to.
She’d never felt more cossetted—or more undeserving. This was Kevin’s big day and she should be the one supporting him. Instead, he was the one lending his strength to her. It was an occurrence that was becoming depressingly regular and she couldn’t help hating how one-sided their relationship seemed to be. She was the needy one, he was the strong one. For a woman who’d always prided herself on her ability to take care of herself, it was a bitter pill to swallow.
After the cops finally left, Kevin ushered her into a side office that Richard Matthias had given him the use of for the day. The security people were still milling around, but he firmly shut the door in their faces. Serena needed a little quiet time and so did he. He still couldn’t get the image of the green SUV bearing down on her out of his mind.
With very little fuss he managed to get her settled her into a large, wingback chair. She barely seemed to notice, so lost was she in a world of her own. He found himself frightened all over again, even as he took her ice-cold hands in his. It was as if she wasn’t there. He could feel her hands in his, see her body in front of him, but her mind was far away and he didn’t know if he would be able to reach her.
“Serena, mon coeur, look at me.” Her eyes remained hazy and unfocused. “Mon Dieu, bebe, you’re scaring me. Look at me. Please look at me.” He pressed his lips to hers, shocked by their iciness.
She pulled away, lifted a hand to his cheek. “I’m fine, Kevin. The police, the questions. It just makes me remember—”
“I know, cher.” He settled into the chair across from hers, then pulled her into his lap and cradled her as he would a child. “I wish it hadn’t needed to be like that.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know why it bothered me so much. I’m not usually such a …” Such a what, she asked herself. Idiot? Basket case? Psycho? “Honestly, Kevin, you’re seeing me at my worst.”
His strong artist’s fingers brushed her cheek as his lips skimmed lightly over her hair. “And here I’ve thought it was your best. You’re doing fine, Serena. Better than fine.”
“I’m never like this, Kevin. Why now?”
“Because you almost died today? Because your sister’s murderer’s on the streets? Because you can’t carry the world on your shoulders all the time?”
She stiffened against him. “I don’t want to talk about Sandra.”
“I hadn’t intended to. But why not? Why won’t you talk about your sister? You’ll never get past the pain if you don’t.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know that you’ve tortured yourself for ten years over something you had no control of. I know you’re so caught up in the past that you can’t see the present. Or the future.”
Serena went ramrod stiff against him, pulling away to stare at him with injured eyes. “How can you say that to me?”
He looked her in the eyes. “Because I care about you. A lot more, apparently, than you do about yourself.”
“That’s not true. I’ve moved on with my life! I don’t talk about Sandra to anyone—except you. I don’t wallow in self-pity. I don’t—” Her voice broke and silent tears streamed down her face.
Compassion moved through him as he continued to stroke her hair, refusing to let Serena leave him despite her struggles. “There’s nothing wrong with discussing what happened to Sandra.”
“I know that! I think about it all the time.”
“You dwell on it,” he corrected. “You blame yourself for not stopping it. You hold your feelings inside until you’re ready to shatter. I’m afraid one day you will.”
She pushed against him, eyes blazing as a sense of betrayal nearly choked her. “And I should do what? Wear my feelings on my sleeve? Throw them around for everyone to see? Hide out in the bayou instead of living my life?”
“I’m not hiding out there,” Kevin answered smoothly. “I love it. It’s home. But you, you hide wherever you go, bebe. With your perfect manners and your buttoned-up shirts, you hide the real Serena behind a mask. That’s not healthy.”
“We’ve known each other two weeks and you presume to tell me what’s healthy?” Her eyes turned cold and she withdrew into her protective shell. He was seriously beginning to hate that shell.
He grabbed her and pulled her back against him, ignoring her resistance. “I know you.” His fingers dug into her shoulders as he forced her to look at him. “I know you’re scared of losing control. I know you ache every day because of what happened to Sandra. I know this parole hearing has ripped you apart.”
He stroked her cheek, ran a hand down her back to anchor her body against his. “But I also know that you are so much
stronger than you think you are. If you let the emotions go, you aren’t going to shatter.” He pulled back, looked into her eyes. “You’ve got to give yourself a break, cher. You’re so incredibly strong. You’ve got to be strong enough to bend, before you end up destroying yourself with guilt.”
Serena stared straight ahead, desperate to block out Kevin’s words. But they made sense and they worked their way, insidiously, into her consciousness. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.” His voice was firm, implacable.
“I’m not like you, Kevin. I’m not brave, I do care what others think of me. I do care about my career and the future and what I’ll do if nobody likes my work.”
“I’m not asking you to be like me. I like you the way you are.” He tilted her chin up, made her look at him again. “And you are very brave.”
She moved to protest, but he stopped her. “I can’t believe how brave you are. I couldn’t do what you do. I couldn’t wake up every morning and function despite the pain. I couldn’t go to that parole hearing and dredge up a past I despised. I couldn’t control myself when anger threatened to rip me apart.”
He pressed a soothing kiss to her forehead. “You are so incredibly courageous, Serena. How can you not see that? How can you not take the next step and allow yourself to begin to heal? How much penance do you think you need to do? Ten years is long enough to torture yourself.”
Her voice was rusty when she spoke. “I was there. I let him in.”
“And if you hadn’t, she would have gone running after him. You know that.” She tried to look away, but he refused to let her. “You have to stop blaming yourself. You’re letting the actions of one sadistic bastard rule your life. Hasn’t he taken enough from you? It’s time to stop letting him take your self-respect.”