I’d talk to Mom, but I wasn’t too hot on the idea of piling my crap on her shoulders. She had a toddler and herself to worry about. I was a grown woman. Trying to be anyway.
I feared I was failing spectacularly.
After confronting ghosts at the cemetery, it seemed I’d opened up a stream of consciousness I’d previously locked tight. Memories filtered through the night air, of when I was seven and I witnessed Steve storm out of the house and leave Ava crying. It was the first time I’d seen them have any kind of argument. It had terrified me.
“Are you and Steve going to break up?” I asked Ava in a small voice as she patted her face with a silk kerchief.
She glanced up at me, her red eyes still twinkling, despite the sadness in them. She reached forward to squeeze my hand. “Of course not, my little bug. Why would you think that?”
I looked to the door Steve had slammed shut. “You fought. He was angry. You’re hurt,” I surmised.
She smiled and, to my complete surprise, laughed. “We had a disagreement, sweetheart. That’s part of life. Real life. Not the stuff you see on TV. Sometimes it’s not pretty, or flowers and hearts. That doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful.”
I screwed my nose up. “But you’re in pain.” I didn’t get it. Wasn’t love meant to be great and make everyone happy all the time?
“Right now, I am,” she agreed. “But I’m lucky to be feeling this pain. Because it means I care about Steve enough to give him the power to hurt me. Now, he hardly ever does this, first time in years in fact. But that’s what love is sometimes, pain. You just have to learn what the right kind of pain love is. The person that has the power to hurt you but will give you a thousand days of happiness and only a second of pain. I think that’s worth it. Don’t you?”
“You’re sitting on a beach alone in the middle of the fuckin’ night?” A furious voice tore my memories away and shocked me back onto the beach.
I jumped and scrambled up, my eyes focusing on Killian’s large form in the dark moonlight.
“I needed space.” My voice was barely a whisper above the waves.
After everything that happened in the past twenty-four hours, I couldn’t breathe in that house. Everything had been a blur since Killian had taken me in that plane, claiming whatever snatches of my soul had escaped his brand after the show.
I hadn’t had a moment to grasp what happened on that plane. Seconds after he’d fucked me, rattling my entire world, the static voice of the pilot ordered us to fasten our seatbelts for descent.
I’d scrambled out from under him as quickly as humanly possible, expecting the crew to enter the cabin and see Killian inside me. I’d done it to escape what he’d awakened, what I couldn’t ignore anymore.
Us.
Everything between us. It couldn’t be forgotten. He was right, it was impossible.
As soon as we’d landed, he’d taken me by the hand, kissed the ever-living shit out of me and taken us down the stairs of the plane. Mark and the boys had met us at the airport. I got a multitude of hugs and curses from everyone.
“You run away and get shot at again, I’ll kill you,” Sam declared the moment he saw me. Then he’d yanked me into his arms, ripping me from Killian’s grasp.
The boys hadn’t left my side since and Killian hadn’t said a word. I knew he’d watched me the entire time. Throughout yet another interview with the LAPD, throughout the debates with Sam about moving to Australia. All of it. His gaze had burned into me so hot I couldn’t stand it anymore. I’d told them I was going to bed to sleep. My exhausted body craved oblivion, but my unquiet mind hadn’t given it to me. Killian’s furious intensity pulsed through the walls of the bedroom I tossed and turned in.
“You needed space,” he repeated, his voice flat. There was a long, loaded pause. “Are you fucking insane?” he bellowed, the fury in his voice giving the roaring waves a run for their money.
Suddenly, he was in my space, right in it. “You’ve got a fuckin’ psychopath after you,” he hissed. “You don’t get fuckin’ space. Once I’ve put a bullet in his head, maybe not even then. But now? You don’t get it.”
I ripped myself from his grasp. “I was suffocating in there,” I screamed, pointing toward the house. “I couldn’t stand being in there another second, not without going insane.” Only after those words came out did I realize the ‘bullet in his head’ comment. It rippled through my brain and I jolted when it registered. Killian didn’t notice this. He stepped forward once again, the moon illuminating his face in the shadows.
“Normally, your sanity is of upmost importance to me, but making sure you stay breathing, stay beautiful and un-fucking murdered trumps that. Will every time. Once you’re safe, I’ll set to putting your mind back together. Right now though, I’m going to make sure every inch of that beautiful body stays unharmed. We’ll worry about the equally beautiful mind later.”
I froze at his words. “Why are you here?” I asked, realizing this question probably should have been asked the moment I saw him in the doorway of that hospital waiting room what felt like one hundred years ago.
He grasped my neck. “Think I just explained that, freckles,” he said, voice softer.
I blinked at him, trying to see him clearer yet trying to hide myself from his gaze. “No, why are you here? After four years? After everything?”
His hand flexed. “I’m here to keep you safe,” he replied simply.
“Anyone could have done that. Multiple professionals with a variety of bad-ass qualifications are being paid a lot of money to do just that,” I argued. “You don’t need to be here. What’s in it for you?”
“You. You’re in it for me,” Killian growled. “I’m here because that phone call chilled me down to my fuckin’ bones when I realized that there might be a possibility of a world without you in it. I couldn’t live in that world, freckles.”
I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t even look at the shadows of his face after that. I glanced out to the waves. Taking a breath, I looked back. “So you want what? What comes of this? You ride in on your Harley, save the day, break my heart again and leave?” I asked, my voice cold.
Killian pulled me close. “That’s the bones of it,” he murmured. “’Cept the leavin’ part. Don’t plan on doin’ that again. Not ever.”
His words hit me like a physical thing. They were the words I’d dreamed of for years. I ripped myself from his hold once more. But dreams had no place in my world. To protect my heart, I had to cling to the reality I’d been living for four years.
“I don’t know you anymore.” I gestured to his body. “This person. You’re a stranger. Maybe you were before and I just didn’t know it. See, you’re chasing this demon, one that has turned you into this man who talks about putting bullets in people’s brains like it’s the same as taking someone to dinner.”
“No. The past four years, I’ve been chasing the demon ‘cause when you chase the demons on the outside, you don’t have to inspect the ones living within you,” he rasped. “You’ve got demons too, baby. I put them there, so that’s on me. But you’re not chasin’ them. You’re runnin’. Running and trying to insert yourself in this world of fuckin’ parties and photo shoots and superficiality. You don’t fit, there, freckles. You never will.”
“Where do I fit then, Killian?” I asked, not bothering to try and argue about the “running” comment. Killian knew me. Even this new version of him saw through me like I was incorporeal. I was running. Problem was, my feet were getting very tired.
He stepped forward. “You fit with me.”
I tried to battle with the pain, with the truth behind his words and also the lie. “I did,” I said finally.
“You always will, freckles. Always.”
I flinched at his words but found a way to hold his gaze. This couldn’t keep going. I couldn’t keep treading water in this conversation. I was going to drown if I didn’t do something soon. “Do you know what I chase? What I need to g
rasp? It’s quiet.” I paused, breathing heavily. “My mind’s so fucking loud, Killian. It’s deafening. I didn’t realize how loud it was until you left me. Until I had to face it. Then I poured my soul into the only thing that would quiet it. Music. You think the fame, the fortune, the money means shit to me? It doesn’t. I do this because it’s all I have. It’s what I need to grasp onto to survive. To live this life without you. And I need you to leave now. Before I get too used to the constant quiet again. Before you lull me into a false sense of security. Before I embrace it right in time for you to leave again. I need you to leave now while I still sense what some of the noise feels like. Because if you stay any longer, pull me in any deeper to this”—I moved my hand between us—“if that happens, I don’t think I’ll be able to survive the noise when you leave. I think it might just kill me. I don’t even think the music will save me.”
Killian surged forward, grasping my chin in his hands, almost to the point of pain. “I’m never fuckin’ leaving,” he hissed through his teeth. “Never, baby. You get used to this. The quiet. Let it fuckin’ wrap you up.” His body pressed into mine. “Let me wrap you up. ‘Cause you ain’t ever gonna hear the noise again. You’re never gonna face this world without me. Not until the fuckin’ sun swallows up the earth, babe. The end of days is the only thing that’s gonna take this away.”
Before I had the chance to come up with some weak argument, before I could make some halfhearted attempt to protect that soul of mine Killian already possessed, his mouth covered mine. My response was immediate and without hesitation. I clung to him. I let him pillage my mouth and take control over everything. His hands went to my hips and I instinctively lifted my legs to wrap them around his waist. I moaned into his mouth as the hardness in his jeans pressed into the soft silk of my pajamas.
Before I knew it, we were moving and I vaguely thought of how impressive it was that Killian was walking through the sand and back up the steps to my place with me in his arms, never detaching his mouth from mine. I rubbed against him impatiently as he reached the porch.
He growled into my mouth. “Baby, you need to stop doing that or I’ll take you right here.”
I nipped at his lip. “I want you. Right here. Right now. I need you inside me, Killian,” I whispered, I pleaded.
He made another noise at the back of his throat, and then he set me down on the daybed on our porch. In an instant, my pajama bottoms were off, the salty night air caressing my bare legs.
Killian hovered above me for a second, his mouth brushing mine. “I know how much you need me inside you, freckles,” he murmured. “I know it because I need to be in there more than I need my next breath, but I need to taste you first.” His lips captured mine for a quick but furious kiss before he worked his way down my neck.
Without warning, the buttons on my top went flying as Killian ripped it open. He hissed in a breath when the dull inside lights illuminated my bare breasts, and seconds later, his mouth covered them. I arched my back up to meet his mouth, every nerve ending in my body singing for him.
He worshipped my breasts before his mouth traveled downward with an excruciating slowness.
I wriggled in impatience. “Killian,” I whined.
His head jerked up and a small smile lifted at the corner of his mouth. “Patience, freckles. It’s been four years since I’ve had this beautiful body to ravage. I’m takin’ my fuckin’ time.”
I eyed him lazily and then his mouth descended, right there, in the right spot, sending dots through my vision. I cried out as his mouth fastened over my magic spot, drinking me up, extracting my explosive climax too fast and too slowly at the same time.
I was still coming down when he was atop me once more. At some point during my blackout, his top had come off. I hungrily ran my hands across his sinewy arms, covered in ink that was poorly illuminated. I explored the foreign ridges of new muscle, my nails raking over his shoulders as his torso pressed to mine.
He let out a breath. “Your skin against my skin, only thing that’s perfect in the world, freckles,” he breathed against my mouth. He probed my entrance. “Gonna fuck you now,” he murmured.
“Yes,” I hissed out.
He didn’t surge into me like I expected, like I needed. Instead, his large hand circled my neck. “Gonna fuck you, but I need you to say one thing. That you’re mine. Now and for always.”
I didn’t hesitate. “Now and for always, Killian, I’m yours.”
The words barely left my mouth before they were followed by blissful nirvana, Killian inside me. I expected furious, urgent lovemaking like the night before, but instead, he slowly plunged into me. My nails raked down his back and he pressed his forehead to mine. I could see the cords in his neck pulsing as he held himself above me.
“Killian,” I moaned.
“Love you, Lexie,” he grunted. “Never stopped. Never for a second. Never gonna stop.”
He worked the rest of the night showing me just how much.
All night.
I traced my eyes across the taut ridges of Killian’s defined abs. The sheet was thrown haphazardly over his hips, dipping low enough to show me the V at the bottom of those abs, peaking at the magnificence that was underneath. And that’s what he was. Magnificent.
So different, yet so the same after four years. His body had filled out. I’d expected it, but I didn’t expect just how much. I doubted he had an inch of body fat on him, and all last night his considerable strength was apparent, yet he noticeably held back. Maybe because his body swallowed mine in a beautiful way that made me think he could gather me in those muscled arms and shut away the world.
That’s what we were going to do, I decided. Today we were not going to leave this room and we were going to shut away the world. Shut away thoughts that might pollute this, us. I had decided, despite everything that I had promised myself since the moment he’d arrived, that we were going to do this. Us. I couldn’t shut myself away from what happened last night, I knew that. I couldn’t shut myself away from him. Not after last night, after he’d made love to me on the porch and then carried me to my bedroom, spending the entire night worshipping me, bringing us back to life.
“You’re watching me sleep,” a gravelly voice observed.
I grinned, trailing my eyes up to his face, which was soft and relaxed, eyes still closed. “No, I’m obviously watching you pretend to sleep,” I corrected.
Arms captured me and I squealed as Killian yanked me to lie on top of him. He pulled me to his chest, burying his face in my hair. “Nothin’ better in this world than waking up with my arms around the most beautiful girl in the world.”
I nuzzled into his chest, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely Killian. “Ditto,” I whispered. “Apart from the beautiful girl part,” I added.
He chuckled and his chest vibrated. My head immediately lifted to see the end of that beautiful thing. That smile. One that hinted at the boy I used to know. One that made my heart swell a little bit more.
My eyes reluctantly tore away from Killian’s smile and moved to his muscled torso. I hadn’t even had a chance to inspect half of his ink since I’d only woken moments before him. I got very distracted by his abs and restrained the urge to lick them.
Later I could do that.
But the script on the side of his ribs intrigued me and I tilted my head to read it. Then I froze.
“This is the lyrics to ‘Skeletons,’” I choked out after I read my words, my heartbreak on the skin of the person it was written about.
Killian’s hand moved to position my face in his direction. His eyes blazed. “Broke my heart, freckles, when I heard that song. When I heard that pain, even through the fuckin’ radio I heard it. Drove straight to the tattoo place and got those words on my body, so I would always feel the pain of what I did to us. So I could use it as an incentive for the day I came for you.”
I jerked.
“You were going to come for me?” I repeated in disbelie
f.
“For the past four years, I’ve been suckin’ in ash. Barely breathin’, choking on the emptiness of the air without you in it. Moment I saw you, came close enough to feel your breath of my face, that was when I could finally drink in oxygen again.” He caressed my jaw. “Only so long a man can live without oxygen, freckles. I was always gonna come for you.”
“I think you need to pinch me,” I whispered. “You know, just to make sure this isn’t a dream.” That was the only logical conclusion to this. To hearing him say those words, and somehow having the pain of four years melt away like it hadn’t even been there. It couldn’t possibly be that easy.
But that’s what love is sometimes, pain. You just have to learn what the right kind of pain love is. The person that has the power to hurt you but will give you a thousand days of happiness and only a second of pain. I think that’s worth it. Don’t you?”
Fifteen years later, Ava’s words finally made sense.
Killian’s body jerked and he squeezed me tighter. “I’ve got a better idea on how I’m gonna show you just how real I am,” he growled and his mouth covered mine.
And then Killian made damn sure that I was aware just how real all of this was.
*****
I trailed my hand across his chest, riveted by the tattoos that covered the expanse of it. They were beautifully done works of art on his chiseled body. The script of “Skeletons” was only the beginning of what he had. It would take me weeks to explore every inch of his detailed skin. Weeks, I had the feeling that I had with Killian.
Forever, a hopeful voice whispered. You’ve got forever.
Killian’s arms were tucked around me, content in the silence that we were bathing in after he’d treated me to two orgasms and the best wakeup call of all time.
My entire body froze as my hand traced the area of his left pec above his heart. I didn’t know how I’d missed it earlier. How my gaze hadn’t zeroed in on it the moment Killian’s naked torso had been exposed to me. My palm pressed over it and I lifted my head to stare at Killian. His face was carefully blank, but his eyes weren’t.